A Swarm of Yeti-Mounted Skeletons

Choice adventure number: 529

A Swarm of Yeti-Mounted Skeletons

The skies above Valhalla are thick with hideous, leathery-winged yetis being ridden by skeletons.

This can't be a good sign.

---

Dive right into the fray

• With a melee weapon

You dive into the middle of the swarm.

Gripping <yetiname>'s flanks with your thighs, you shout, "this pain's gonna go BONE DEEP!" and, feeling slightly embarrassed at having said that, you powder some bones with your <weapon>. Nice work, bone daddy.

You defeated 1-9 skeletons

You hold <yetiname>'s mane with one hand and shout, "I don't eat meat, but I sure like a BONE! For crushing!" To cover up that awkward moment, you pound on some skeletons with your <weapon>, wishing them a Bone Voyage as they plummet to the earth.

You defeated 10-19 skeletons

You shout, "I tell ya now, honey, I'm bad to the BONE!" Even Croanther winces at that one. To cover up your shame, you swing your Mer-kin hookspear like a crazy Mer-kin hookspear-swingin' fool, knocking skeletons hither and yon.

You defeated 20-29 skeletons

You shout, "I'm about to rattle your BONES!" Pleased with your bone mot, you wind up and deliver a series of crushing blows with your <weapon>.

You defeated 30-39 skeletons

You shout, "In a few hours, I'll be eating BREAD!" the skeletons look at you blankly. "Er, because I'm going to grind your BONES to make my BREAD, but it takes a few hours to COOK IT afterward!" you clarify, and commence to using your <weapon> to turn a pile of skeletons into a pile of powder.

You defeated 40-49 skeletons

You fly back through a slash, land your yeti, and assess your wounds, which are numerous.

You lose A hit points.

• Without a melee weapon

You dive into the middle of the swarm.

You bash a skeleton right in the sternum with your <weapon>, but he just grins. Well, I mean, that's pretty much all he can do, what with his deficiencies in the face department, but you get the impression even if he could do otherwise, he'd still be grinning. You didn't do any damage, is what I'm sayin'.

---

Fly above to get a better look

• With a staff or a utensil

You fly above the swarm to get a better perspective on the situation.

You glare down at the swarm, concentrate, and let pure anti-skeleton malice flow through your <weapon>. A small spectral anti-skeleton mallet leaps forth from it and pounds against the swarm.

You defeated 1-9 skeletons

You glare down at the swarm and concentrate all your anti-skeleton malice into your <weapon>. A mid-sized spectral anti-skeleton mallet from your <weapon> and pounds against the swarm.

You defeated 10-19 skeletons

<yetiname>'s wings creak as he glides above the swarm. You hold tight to his flanks with your thighs as you concentrate anti-skeleton malice into your <weapon>. Thankfully, you notice you're holding it the wrong way around before the spell takes off, so you narrowly avoid losing your own skeleton and cause considerable damage to the swarm, instead.

You defeated 20-29 skeletons

You glide high above the swarm, holding onto <yetiname>'s fur for dear life. You clear your mind and funnel as much mystical energy as you can through your <weapon> at the swarm below, knocking the bejeezus out of a bunch of skeletal riders.

You defeated 30-39 skeletons

You think about all the way that bones are lame -- how yours ache when it's humid out, how you can choke on them when you're eating fish, how lame people use 'bone' as sex slang -- and channel your irritation through your <staff>, producing a beam of anti-skeletal energy that kicks the crap out of the swarm below.

You defeated 40-49 skeletons

That took a lot out of you...

You lose B Mana Points.

• Without a staff or a utensil

You fly above the swarm to get a better perspective on the situation.

You ready a spell to rain death from above, concentrating and clearing your mind as you will dark forces to flow through your <weapon>. Sadly, the dark forces take one look at your <weapon> and decide to go flow elsewhere.

---

Fly underneath the swarm

• With a ranged weapon

You fly underneath the swarm, hoping for better access to some sensitive underbellies...

<yetiname> banks steeply as you fly underneath the yetis, careful to avoid organic yeti waste products as you take aim with your <weapon> and disconnect a few shinbones from their kneebones

You defeated 1-9 skeletons

You dodge various yeti byproducts as you fly under the swarm, <yetiname> doing barrel rolls as you squeeze off shots with your <weapon> and unhorsing -- er, unyeti-ing? -- a decent few skeletal riders.

You defeated 10-19 skeletons

As you fly under the swarm, a steaming yeti byproduct lands on <yetiname> right in front of you. Incensed, you fire wildly with your <weapon>, making it rain skeletons for a little while.

You defeated 20-29 skeletons

You fly under the swarm, firing your <weapon> over and over, <yetiname> banking and swooping as you dodge the various organic byproducts earth-bound yetis usually bury under a bush. Every time you almost get hit with guano, you shoot a little faster.

You defeated 30-39 skeletons

You keep the face of your father fixed in your mind as you fire over and over with your <weapon>, cutting a wide swath through the swarm. Man, did you ever hate that guy.

You defeated 40+ skeletons

Man. That was mentally and physically exhausting.

You lose C hit points.

You lose D Mana Points.

• Without a ranged weapon

You fly underneath the swarm, hoping for better access to some sensitive underbellies...

You take careful aim, exhale smoothly, and squeeze off a few rounds with your <weapon>. Actually, no, no you didn't, because melee weapons don't work that way. And neither do windmills.

---

Do it again

Back to the Invasion

Notes

• If you have insufficient current MP (under 20% of your buffed max MP), you are unable to adventure here, and instead are given the message:

You don't have the energy to attack a problem this size. Go drink some soda or something.

• If you have insufficient current HP (under 10% of your buffed max HP), you are unable to adventure here, and instead are given the message:

You're not in good enough shape to deal with a threat this large. Go get some rest, or put on some band-aids or something.

• After every 500th skeleton kill:

An A. W. O. L. Messenger instantly flies up to you and says "Good work, Adventurer. Admiral Hagnk wanted you to have this."

You acquire an item: A. W. O. L. commendation

A=5% of max hp
B=5% of max mp
C=3% of max hp
D=4% of max mp

The amount of skeletons killed depends on your mainhand weapon's base power, plus:

• With a melee weapon: The first choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Weapon Damage. 6% of weapon_damage + power?
• With a mysticality-based weapon: The second choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Spell Damage. 7% of spell+weapon_power?
• With a ranged weapon: The third choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Ranged Damage (ignores regular Bonus Weapon Damage). 11% of ranged+power?

Percentage increasers seem to have no effect, nor does elemental damage or offhand weapon power. Wielding a mysticality weapon counts as a melee weapon, allowing both the first and second choice, though to different effects.

References

• According to Morbo of Futurama, windmills do not work that way. Goodnight!