Disco horoscopes

This page is in need of content. Add in the horoscope text you get when you use one of these potions. Please put them in alphabetical order to more easily avoid duplicates. There may be further random parts inside some horoscopes. There is now a message that suggests that some horoscopes are horoscope-specific. Needs more spading.

Disco horoscopes are usable items found in The Space Odyssey Discotheque. There are 12, each relating to a zodiac sign and each gives ten turns of a different effect, summarised in the table below:

Horoscope		Effect Name	Effect
	disco horoscope (Aquarius)	Aquarius Rising	Spell Damage +30
	disco horoscope (Aries)	Aries Rising	Weapon Damage +30
	disco horoscope (Cancer)	Cancer Rising	Maximum MP +100%
	disco horoscope (Capricorn)	Capricorn Rising	+5% Item Drops from Monsters
	disco horoscope (Gemini)	Gemini Rising	Maximum HP +100%
	disco horoscope (Leo)	Leo Rising	+10% Meat from Monsters
	disco horoscope (Libra)	Libra Rising	+1 Muscle Stats Per Fight +1 Mysticality Stats Per Fight +1 Moxie Stats Per Fight
	disco horoscope (Pisces)	Pisces Rising	Mysticality +50%
	disco horoscope (Sagittarius)	Sagittarius Rising	Ranged Damage +30
	disco horoscope (Scorpio)	Scorpio Rising	+25% Combat Initiative
	disco horoscope (Taurus)	Taurus Rising	Muscle +50%
	disco horoscope (Virgo)	Virgo Rising	Moxie +50%

There is a trophy for having all of the above 12 effects active at the same time.

Random Horoscopes

When using one of the above items you receive a random horoscope, taken from the list below:

• Abandon hope for future plans.
• An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
• Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
• Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
• Beware the Ides of November.
• Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
• Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
• Don't cast your pearls before toads this week.
• Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
• Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
• Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
• Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
• Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
• Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
• Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
• That blind stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
• That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just Woody Santos pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
• The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
• The catatonic bumblebee under your bed is fine. Probably.
• The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
• The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
• The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
• The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a crowbar, every problem looks like a nail.
• The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
• The stars say your copy of Scarlet Yearning is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
• This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
• This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
• This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
• Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
• To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
• Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
• Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
• Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
• Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
• Your lucky numbers this week are 96, 28, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
• Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
• You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
• You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
• You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
• You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
• Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
• Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.

References

• Some of the horoscopes are lines from the Weird Al Yankovich song "Your Horoscope For Today", specifically:
  • Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
  • You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?