Disco horoscopes

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Disco horoscopes are usable items found in The Space Odyssey Discotheque. There are 12, each relating to a zodiac sign and each gives ten turns of a different effect, summarised in the table below:

Horoscope	Effect Name	Effect
Aquarius	Aquarius Rising	Spell Damage +30
Aries	Aries Rising	Weapon Damage +30
Cancer	Cancer Rising	Maximum MP +100%
Capricorn	Capricorn Rising	+5% Item Drops from Monsters
Gemini	Gemini Rising	Maximum HP +100%
Leo	Leo Rising	+10% Meat from Monsters
Libra	Libra Rising	+1 Muscle Stats Per Fight +1 Mysticality Stats Per Fight +1 Moxie Stats Per Fight
Pisces	Pisces Rising	Mysticality +50%
Sagittarius	Sagittarius Rising	Ranged Damage +30
Scorpio	Scorpio Rising	+25% Combat Initiative
Taurus	Taurus Rising	Muscle +50%
Virgo	Virgo Rising	Moxie +50%

There is a trophy for having all of the above 12 effects active at the same time.

Random Horoscopes

When using one of the above items you receive a random horoscope, taken from the list below:

• Abandon hope for future plans.
• After the apocalypse this week, the currency will be mustard. Start stocking up now.
• All your friends are laughing behind your back...KILL THEM.
• All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.
• An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
• Be nice to your <friend> this week. I mean, you should every week, honestly.
• Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
• Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
• Beware the Ides of <month>.
• Beware the mute stranger, for he will borrow your coffee maker and never return it.
• Beware the phlegmatic stranger, for he will borrow your alarm clock and never return it.
• Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
• Careful that you don't get shot by an evil stranger this week, if at all possible.
• Carry a miniature trebuchet around with you at all times this week.
• Concentrate on toning your obliques and your obliques this week. For the ladies.
• Contemplate the wisdom of the kittens. Fuchsia is your power color.
• Despite what you may have heard, the stars say it is not unusual to see the rain coming down on a sunny day.
• Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
• Don't cast your pearls before <animal>s this week.
• Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
• Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
• Don't leave the house without a huckleberry in your pocket this week, if you value your life.
• Don't let your negative self-image affect your outlook on life, skank.
• Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
• Get in touch with your inner ferret, just not that kind of touch.
• Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
• I asked the stars about you, and they were like, "Who?" ...So uh, I dunno, have a positive attitude in your interactions with other people, or something?
• I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say you're going to be shot, in the dark, this week.
• Idle feet are the devil's plaything. Now is the perfect week to learn the Polka.
• If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
• It turns out you picked the wrong week to stop snorting cocaine.
• It's all going down at <meal> time. Don't be late. And don't be too early.
• Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
• Libras are charming, diplomatic, and easy-going. So expect to be steamrolled by aggressive dickheads this week. And the rest of your life.
• Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
• Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no.
• Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
• Perfect your Darkside-Flip-Flip Charlie plus Sameway Bloody this week. It'll be the only thing that saves you when the zombies attack.
• Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
• Share an order of ham with a wide stranger and see where the night takes you.
• Swallow a handful of amethysts this week to ward off pinkeye.
• Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
• That <adjective> stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
• That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just Woody Santos pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
• That irregular mole on your throat isn't cancer! It's something far, far worse.
• That uncomfortable prickling on the back of your neck is the sense of your impending doom. Or possibly heat rash.
• The Gray Wrench dominates your fortune this week. Interpret that as you will.
• The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
• The catatonic <animal> under your bed is fine. Probably.
• The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
• The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
• The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
• The shortsword you pull out of a stone this week will not make you a monarch, but will be handy when the zombies attack.
• The stars are pretty hungover, so the only advice they have right now is not to start drinking at two-thirty in the afternoon.
• The stars have asked me to tell you that astrology is total bunk. Seriously, exercise some critical thinking and stop reading this horsecrap.
• The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
• The stars remind you that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, if you're into dating fish.
• The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a <tool>, every problem looks like a nail.
• The stars say not to worry about the rash on your solar plexus this week. It's the least of your problems.
• The stars say that you should "lick it before you stick it," which is good advice for stamps.
• The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
• The stars say to tell you... I can't read this handwriting. Something about your daughter and a marmot? I think the stars are drunk again.
• The stars say you should beware of the thing with the stuff. Sorry, they're kind of phoning it in this week.
• The stars say you should carve an olive into a scale model of a miniature trebuchet today. They don't say why.
• The stars say your copy of <romance novel> is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
• The stars wanted to know where you keep your chainsaw. They didn't say why.
• The tally-man is coming to tally your <fruit>. Be prepared.
• There is nothing you can't accomplish with a sufficiently full trolley-car.
• There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
• They say that you're better off with the devil you know, so stick with that guy this week.
• This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
• This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
• This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
• Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
• To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
• Trust your instincts today, unless they're telling you to do something dumb.
• Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
• Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
• Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
• Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
• Virgo is in the twenty-second house of the Moon this week, so eat plenty of cereal bars.
• You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
• You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
• You should get your ulna pierced this week with a platinum stud.
• You will be stalked by an adorable <animal> this week, and surprised when it tries to murder you.
• You will feel a stabbing pain in the nipple at some point this week, as that's the place someone will be stabbing you.
• You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
• You will find a great treasure in his sandwich, or at least something that might surprise you.
• You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
• You will meet thirty mysterious strangers this week. Hold out for what's behind the curtain, though.
• You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
• You're completely innocent of removing mattress tags. But the jury will believe otherwise.
• You're going to become captain of a novel-writing team this week. Try to rule wisely and fairly.
• You're taking a trip to the Emerald Plains this week. You won't see much of the sights, though, through that burlap sack you'll be shoved in.
• Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
• Your dreams will come true this week! Specifically, the dream in which twinkling lights surround you like fireflies while you're disemboweled by a rabid shark.
• Your gluten intolerance is far more socially acceptable than your other intolerances. Keep those hidden deep inside you.
• Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
• Your horoscope this week is more like a horrorscope, am I right?
• Your lucky numbers this week are <number>, <number>, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
• Your power accessory this week is a pair of orange-and-black gingham socks. Good luck finding some.
• Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
• Your power stone this week is the double-sapphire. For a couple hundred bucks, I can get you one.
• Your significant other is looking to trade you in for a taller model. Maybe you should take up dodgeball.
• Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.
• Your true love's name is Grant Adams. The stars apologize if that tells you something about yourself you didn't already know.
• Your true name is Fritzlas. Make sure to use it on all official documents.

<friend> words:

• BFF
• homie

<romance novel> titles:

• Scarlet Yearning
• Sinful Longing
• Forbidden Saddles

<adjective> for the stranger on the bus (could be diseases or disabilities...?):

• blind
• sciatic

<meal> times:

• lunch
• dinner

References

• Some of the horoscopes are lines from the Weird Al Yankovic song "Your Horoscope For Today", specifically:
  • All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.
  • All your friends are laughing behind your back...KILL THEM.
  • Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
  • If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.
  • Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
  • Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
  • The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
  • Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
  • You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
  • You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
  • Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• "Abandon hope for future plans" is a line from the They Might Be Giants song, "Hide Away Folk Family" -- In the song this was specific to Aquarius.
• "I picked the wrong day to quit <vice>" is a running gag in Airplane!
• Tallymen tallying fruit (bananas) are an important part of "Day-O" made famous by Harry Belafonte.