Mad Hatrack Messages (A-E)

A

• Ancient Saucehelm:

	<Name> whips up an invigorating tonic, mumbling "bork bork bork" as he does. You drink it and feel refreshed. You gain 47 hit points. You gain 50 Mana Points.

• Anniversary concrete fedora:
• Antique helmet:

	<Name> blocks <its> way, shouting "None shall pass without my permission!" It takes a while for <it> to figure out they should just ask for permission.

	<familiar name> thinks he's at a costume party, and waltzes around to music only he can hear.

• Asbestos helmet turtle:

	<Name> tosses a hot coal (where'd he get that? Crazy thing), onto his helmet, then headbutts <it> for a scorching X damage.

	<Name> spins a couple of fire poi as he dances around, occasionally bonking himself on the head with one.

• Asshat:

	<Name> headbutts it with his butthead, doing 32-35 stinky damage.

B

• Balaclava:

	<Name> says "back off, eh? Ya hoser," and pelts him with snowballs, doing a frosty X (+X) damage.

• Balloon helmet:

	<Name> does a weird, spastic dance to the accompaniment of the balloon helmet's horrible squeaking. The overall effect is "avant-garde." And disturbing.

• Baron von Ratsworth's tophat:

	<Name> pays a high-class geisha girl to give you a rejuvenating massage. You gain X hit points. You gain X Mana Points.

	<Name> looks down his nose at him (which is impressive, considering hatracks don't have noses) and sniffs dismissively. He is too demoralized to attack this round.

• Barskin hat:

	<Name> shouts "A bar! It's comin' right for us!" and punches <it> for X damage.

	<Name> gets a wistful smile on his face. I guess he just remembered the Alamo. And, uh, was fighting on the other side.

• Basic meat fez:

	<Name> throws his head back so the fez falls off, then says "check it out, I'm a FEZ dispenser!" He laughs maniacally, winking broadly.

• Basic meat helmet:

	<Name> says, "no, you're the meathead, meathead! And headbutts her, getting nasty meat-juice all over her for X nasty damage.

	<Name> dances the traditional dance of his people. The hatrack people. Just go with me on this, okay?

• Bat hat:

	<Name> pulls it close and bellows "Do I LOOK like a COP?", scaring approximately X points of bejeezus out of it.

	<Name> says "where do I get these wonderful toys?" and smiles broadly.

• Beer helmet:

	<Name> does The Wave. Apparently he thinks he's watching a football game.

• Big bad voodoo mask:

	<Name> produces a doll that look like her, and sticks in a few pins. <It> looks a little weaker.

	<Name> produces a doll that looks just like you, and gives it a refreshing back-and-shoulder rub. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Biomechanical crimborg helmet:

	<Name> shouts "there are FOUR lights!" and smacks it four times, doing X damage.

	<Name> says "The Rhumba is futile!" and dances a little fandango to prove his point.

• Black cowboy hat:

	<Name> alternates between mooing loudly and trying to tie himself up. He somehow manages to throw some rope over <it>, restraining <it> a little.

• Black helmet:

	<Name> says "Damn, Gina, this joke so old!" and does a sarcastic Cabbage Patch.

• Blue traffic cone:

	<Name> sings about a blue traffic cone with a blue little window, while dancing and winking like a maniac. Maniac. On the floor.

• Bounty-hunting helmet:

	<Name> peers throug the helmet's visor and says "Extra items spotted off the port bow, Captain!"

• Bowler:

	<Name> says "Mrs. Peel, we're needed," and gives you a winking smile. Or a smiling wink. Not sure which.

• Brimstone Beret:

	<Name> sighs "ah, l'amour est enfer," and smiles wistfully as he winks at you.

• Bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban:

	<Name> steps between you and it and shouts, "Poof! Whaddayou need. POOF! Whaddayouneed. POOF! What do YOU need." <It's> way too confused to attack this round.

• Bugbear beanie:

	<Name> shouts "Begone, filthy human," then giggles manically as he pummels <it> for X damage.

• Bum cheek:'

'

	<Name> says, "never forget, sir, that I am an ass!" and grins broadly.

C

• Catskin cap:

	<Name> arches his back and hisses at <it>, unnerving <it> a little.

	<Name> smiles like the cat who ate the canary.

• Cerebral Cloche:

	<Name> says "check out my sexy cerebellum," and winks brainily.

• Chef's hat:

	<Name> says "you must make sure your monster is properly tenderized," and viciously pummels <it> for X damage.

	<Name> says "this recipe calls for a little more meat." Man, that hatrack's crazy. Who would eat money?

• Chrome helmet turtle:

	<name> headbutts him with the cold chrome of his helmet, doing a frosty X-30-X damage.

	<name> shakes his booty, using the shiny helmet as a disco ball.

• Clingfilm cap:

	<Name> says "let me introduce you to my terrapin, Jetta," and smiles broadly while you pretend to pet an imaginary turtle.

• Cloaca-Cola helmet:

	<Name> sings that ridiculously catchy song about buying the world a Cloaca, while swaying back and forth to the beat.

• Clockwork hat:

	<Name> seems to be listening to music, but you can't hear any. "Ah, Ludwig Van," he says, smiling wistfully.

• Clown wig:

	<Name> says "I make art until somebody dies!" as he artistically pummels him for A +B +C +D +E +F damage.

• Coconut shell:

	<Name> sings about his lovely bunch of coconuts while doing a seductive (for a hatrack, anyway) hula.

• Colander of Em-er'il, after combat:

	<Name> whips you up a refreshing tonic, shouting "BAM!" over and over as he does so. You drink it and feel...well, refreshed. You gain 38 hit points. You gain 44 Mana Points.

• Cold ninja mask:

	<Name> mimes throwing a bunch of frozen shuriken at it. Apparently he's a really good mime, because it takes X damage.

• Cornuthaum:

	<Name> walks up to your fallen foe and kicks it, hoping more loot will drop off of it.

• Crimbo hat:

	With a wink of his eye and a smile on his head, <Name> lets you know you have nothing to dread.

• Crown of the Goblin King:

	<Name> does the whole "hoodoo/who do?/you do!" routine with it, greatly confusing it.

	You relax and enjoy watching <Name> trying to contact-juggle three glass balls, even though he has no thumbs (or, y'know, any fingers at all). You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Cursed eyepatch:

	<Name> shouts, "I'll shiver ye timbers, ye filthy landlubber!" at her. She looks a little demoralized from the shouting.

D

• Demon-horned hat:

<Name> tosses him high into the air with his demon horns, dealing a demonic x damage.

• Disco 'Fro Pick:

	<Name> calls on some disco mojo to replenish you after your battle. Crazy as it sounds, it seems to work -- you'll be stayin' alive a while longer. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Disco mask:

	<Name> busts some funky disco moves. It doesn't look like he's trying to attack, per se, but he accidentally hits it for 1 damage.

• Dolphin King's crown:

	You relax as <Name> regales you with a rejuvenating tale of the epic battle between the dolphins and the squirrels. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

	<Name> says "what does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!" and lets loose a high-pitched squeak. Your opponent writhes in pain, taking 22 damage.

• Draggin' ball hat:

	<Name> gestures like he's releasing an energy blast. He doesn't, but the gesture whacks him for X damage.

	<Name> says "I see you're aligned with Goku," and smiles benevolently.

• Duct tape fedora:

	<Name> shouts at it, "I think I figured it out. You didn't want me to solve this case. You just wanted a patsy to take the fall for you!" It looks confused and a little guilty.

{useitem|item=Duct tape fedora|text=<Name> shakes his head. "It's Chinatown, Jake," he says, winking grotesquely.|type=combat}}

• Dyspepsi-Cola helmet:

	<Name> spins around, grabs his crotch (er, grabs where the hatrack's legs join the body) and moonwalks a little.

E

• El Sombrero De Lopez:

	<Name> shows you how to fall asleep against a cactus so that the needles give you free acupuncture. You take a nap and feel refreshed. You gain X hit points. You gain Y Mana Points.

• El Vibrato helmet, after combat:

	<familair> sings "I'm blue, ba da bee da doo ba," while dancing around erratically. Clearly, he's off his trolley.

• Elder Turtle Shell:

	<Name> says "not that it matters...nothing matters," and sneezes all over you. You take a few minutes to clean yourself off, and feel better when you're done. You gain X hit points. You gain Y Mana Points.

• Enchanted eyepatch:

	<Name> stalks up to her and hands her the dreaded Black Spot. She shivers and looks terrified.

• Enchantlers:

	<Name> says "there are those who call me...<Name>," and winks knowingly.

• Extra-large palm-frond toupee:

	<familair> holds out his toupee and says "with fronds like these, who needs enemies?" He agrees, at least for this round.

	<familair> says " Spaaaaaalding...Spaa aaalding, what're we gonna do now, Spalding?" and grins widely.

• EXtreme scarf:

	<Name> wraps the scarf around him, then pulls one end, spinning him like a good publicist. He looks pretty dizzy when they finally wind down.

	<Name> throttles him with the scarf while shouting "tell me what you know! Who are you working for?"

• Eyepatch:

	<Name> lets loose a menacing "Arrrrrr!" at them. They look suitably intimidarrrted.

Mad Hatrack Hat Messages
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