Mad Hatrack Messages (A-E)

The Mad Hatrack familiar has different functions depending on what hats it wears.

A

• Ancient Saucehelm:

	<Name> whips up an invigorating tonic, mumbling "bork bork bork" as he does. You drink it and feel refreshed. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Anniversary concrete fedora:

	<Name> says, "I have three slugs in me. One's made of lead, and two are made of bourbon," and winks at you, smiling at his film noir pastiche.

• Antique helmet:

	<Name> blocks <its> way, shouting "None shall pass without my permission!" It takes a while for <it> to figure out they should just ask for permission.

	<Name> thinks he's at a costume party, and waltzes around to music only he can hear.

• Asbestos helmet turtle:

	<Name> tosses a hot coal (where'd he get that? Crazy thing), onto his helmet, then headbutts <it> for a scorching X damage.

	<Name> spins a couple of fire poi as he dances around, occasionally bonking himself on the head with one.

• Asshat:

	<Name> headbutts <it> with his butthead, doing X stinky damage.

	<Name> says, "never forget, sir, that I am an ass!" and grins broadly.

B

• Balaclava:

	<Name> says "back off, eh? Ya hoser," and pelts him with snowballs, doing a frosty X (+X) damage.

	<Name> says "wanna share some back bacon, eh?" and winks salaciously.

• Balloon helmet:

	<Name> does a weird, spastic dance to the accompaniment of the balloon helmet's horrible squeaking. The overall effect is "avant-garde." And disturbing.

• Baron von Ratsworth's tophat:

	<Name> pays a high-class geisha girl to give you a rejuvenating massage. You gain X hit points. You gain X Mana Points.

	<Name> looks down his nose at him (which is impressive, considering hatracks don't have noses) and sniffs dismissively. He is too demoralized to attack this round.

• Barskin hat:

	<Name> shouts "A bar! It's comin' right for us!" and punches <it> for X damage.

	<Name> gets a wistful smile on his face. I guess he just remembered the Alamo. And, uh, was fighting on the other side.

• Basic meat fez:

	<Name> throws his head back so the fez falls off, then says "check it out, I'm a FEZ dispenser!" He laughs maniacally, winking broadly.

• Basic meat helmet:

	<Name> says, "no, you're the meathead, meathead! And headbutts her, getting nasty meat-juice all over her for X nasty damage.

	<Name> dances the traditional dance of his people. The hatrack people. Just go with me on this, okay?

• Bat hat:

	<Name> pulls it close and bellows "Do I LOOK like a COP?", scaring approximately X points of bejeezus out of it.

	<Name> says "where do I get these wonderful toys?" and smiles broadly.

• Beer helmet:

	<Name> hoses <it> down with cheap beer from the beer helmet. <It> hiccups and staggers a little.

	<Name> does The Wave. Apparently he thinks he's watching a football game.

• Big bad voodoo mask:

	<Name> produces a doll that looks just like <it>, and sticks in a few pins. <It> looks a little weaker.

	<Name> produces a doll that looks just like you, and gives it a refreshing back-and-shoulder rub. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Biomechanical crimborg helmet:

	<Name> shouts "there are FOUR lights!" and smacks it four times, doing X damage.

	<Name> says "The Rhumba is futile!" and dances a little fandango to prove his point.

• Black cowboy hat:

	<Name> alternates between mooing loudly and trying to tie himself up. He somehow manages to throw some rope over <it>, restraining <it> a little.

	<Name> says "Candygram for Mongo!" and winks broadly.

• Black helmet:

	<Name> says "Damn, Gina, this joke so old!" and does a sarcastic Cabbage Patch.

• Blue traffic cone:

	<Name> sings about a blue traffic cone with a blue little window, while dancing and winking like a maniac. Maniac. On the floor.

• Bounty-hunting helmet:

	<Name> peers throug the helmet's visor and says "Extra items spotted off the port bow, Captain!"

• Bowler:

	<Name> says "Mrs. Peel, we're needed," and gives you a winking smile. Or a smiling wink. Not sure which.

• Brimstone Beret:

	<Name> sighs "ah, l'amour est enfer," and smiles wistfully as he winks at you.

• Bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban:

	<Name> steps between you and it and shouts, "Poof! Whaddayou need. POOF! Whaddayouneed. POOF! What do YOU need." <It's> way too confused to attack this round.

	<Name> winks at you and says "thank you, come again! Stereotypes are funny!"

• Bugbear beanie:

	<Name> shouts "Begone, filthy human," then giggles manically as he pummels <it> for X damage.

• Bum cheek:

	<Name> headbutts him with his butthead, doing X stinky damage.

	<Name> says, "never forget, sir, that I am an ass!" and grins broadly.

C

• Catskin cap:

	<Name> arches his back and hisses at <it>, unnerving <it> a little.

	<Name> smiles like the cat who ate the canary.

• Cerebral Cloche:

	<Name> says "check out my sexy cerebellum," and winks brainily.

• Chef's hat:

	<Name> says "you must make sure your monster is properly tenderized," and viciously pummels <it> for X damage.

	<Name> says "this recipe calls for a little more meat." Man, that hatrack's crazy. Who would eat money?

• Chrome helmet turtle:

	<name> headbutts him with the cold chrome of his helmet, doing a frosty X-30-X damage.

	<name> shakes his booty, using the shiny helmet as a disco ball.

• Clingfilm cap:

	<Name> says "let me introduce you to my terrapin, Jetta," and smiles broadly while you pretend to pet an imaginary turtle.

• Cloaca-Cola helmet:

	<Name> sings that ridiculously catchy song about buying the world a Cloaca, while swaying back and forth to the beat.

• Clockwork hat:

	<Name> engages in a bit of the old ultraviolence, slashing <it> in the yarbles (if <it> has any yarbles) for X damage.

After combat:

	<Name> seems to be listening to music, but you can't hear any. "Ah, Ludwig Van," he says, smiling wistfully.

• Clown wig:

	<Name> says "I make art until somebody dies!" as he artistically pummels him for A +B +C +D +E +F damage.

<Name> holds up a sign that says "Knob 3:16." <She> stops attacking and goes to look up the verse.

• Coconut shell:

	<Name> sings about his lovely bunch of coconuts while doing a seductive (for a hatrack, anyway) hula.

• Colander of Em-er'il, after combat:

	<Name> whips you up a refreshing tonic, shouting "BAM!" over and over as he does so. You drink it and feel...well, refreshed. You gain 38 hit points. You gain 44 Mana Points.

• Cold ninja mask:

	<Name> sneaks up behind <it> and pushes a series of pressure points. <It> looks noticeably weaker.

	<Name> mimes throwing a bunch of frozen shuriken at it. Apparently he's a really good mime, because it takes X damage.

• Cornuthaum:

	<Name> walks up to your fallen foe and kicks it, hoping more loot will drop off of it.

	<Name> polymorphs into a ghuol and attacks it, paralyzing it.

• Crimbo hat:

	With a wink of his eye and a smile on his head, <Name> lets you know you have nothing to dread.

• Crown of the Goblin King:

	<Name> does the whole "hoodoo/who do?/you do!" routine with it, greatly confusing it.

	You relax and enjoy watching <Name> trying to contact-juggle three glass balls, even though he has no thumbs (or, y'know, any fingers at all). You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Cursed eyepatch:

	<Name> shouts, "I'll shiver ye timbers, ye filthy landlubber!" at <her>. <She> looks a little demoralized from the shouting.

	<Name> tells <her> a spoooky story of betrayal and murder on the high seas, terrifying <her> for X damage.

D

• Demon-horned hat:

	<Name> tosses <him> high into the air with his demon horns, dealing a demonic X damage.

	<Name> says, "you know, hell is other people. Other demon people," and winks.

• Disco 'Fro Pick:

	<Name> calls on some disco mojo to replenish you after your battle. Crazy as it sounds, it seems to work -- you'll be stayin' alive a while longer. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

• Disco mask:

	<Name> busts some funky disco moves. It doesn't look like he's trying to attack, per se, but he accidentally hits it for 1 damage.

• Dolphin King's crown:

	You relax as <Name> regales you with a rejuvenating tale of the epic battle between the dolphins and the squirrels. You gain some hit points. You gain some Mana Points.

	<Name> says "what does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!" and lets loose a high-pitched squeak. Your opponent writhes in pain, taking 22 damage.

• Draggin' ball hat:

	<Name> gestures like he's releasing an energy blast. He doesn't, but the gesture whacks him for X damage.

	<Name> says "I see you're aligned with Goku," and smiles benevolently.

• Duct tape fedora:

	<Name> shouts at it, "I think I figured it out. You didn't want me to solve this case. You just wanted a patsy to take the fall for you!" It looks confused and a little guilty.

	<Name> shakes his head. "It's Chinatown, Jake," he says, winking grotesquely.

• Dyspepsi-Cola helmet:

	<Name> spins around, grabs his crotch (er, grabs where the hatrack's legs join the body) and moonwalks a little.

E

• El Sombrero De Lopez:

	<Name> shows you how to fall asleep against a cactus so that the needles give you free acupuncture. You take a nap and feel refreshed. You gain X hit points. You gain Y Mana Points.

• El Vibrato helmet

	<Name> shouts "Why so blue, blue face?" and blinds <it> with the helmet's blue light. <it> staggers around, unable to see you.

After combat:

	<Name> sings "I'm blue, ba da bee da doo ba," while dancing around erratically. Clearly, he's off his trolley.

• Elder Turtle Shell:

	<Name> says "not that it matters...nothing matters," and sneezes all over you. You take a few minutes to clean yourself off, and feel better when you're done. You gain X hit points. You gain Y Mana Points.

• Enchanted eyepatch:

	<Name> stalks up to her and hands her the dreaded Black Spot. She shivers and looks terrified.

• Enchantlers:

	<Name> snorts, paws the ground, and charges <it>, ramming <it> for X damage.

	<Name> says "there are those who call me...<Name>," and winks knowingly.

• Extra-large palm-frond toupee:

	<Name> holds out his toupee and says "with fronds like these, who needs enemies?" He agrees, at least for this round.

	<Name> says " Spaaaaaalding...Spaa aaalding, what're we gonna do now, Spalding?" and grins widely.

• EXtreme scarf:

	<Name> wraps the scarf around him, then pulls one end, spinning him like a good publicist. He looks pretty dizzy when they finally wind down.

	<Name> throttles him with the scarf, dealing X damage while shouting "tell me what you know! Who are you working for?"

• Eyepatch:

	<Name> lets loose a menacing "Arrrrrr!" at them. They look suitably intimidarrrted.

References

• The Ancient Saucehelm message refers to the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show.
• The Anniversary concrete fedora message refers to a Calvin and Hobbes strip, in which Tracer Bullet, an alter-ego of Calvin's, states that he has "eight slugs in him: one's lead, the rest are bourbon"
• The antique helmet message is a reference to the movie Labyrinth, specifically to the part where Sir Didymus is blocking the path through the Bog of Eternal Stench. He tells the party that "None shall pass without MY permission!" After some discussion, Sarah simply asks him "well may we pass?" Satisfied, Didymus joins their crusade.
• The balaclava message is a reference to the characters Bob & Doug McKenzie of the show SCTV and movie Strange Brew.
• The barskin hat message refers to an episode of South Park, where the boys learn that you can shoot protected wildlife if you're attacked and "protecting" yourself.
• The barskin hat's second message refers to Davy Crockett who fought and (died) in the Alamo and was said to have worn a coonskin cap.
• The bat hat messages refer to the movies Batman, where the Joker says "Where does he get all those wonderful toys?", and Batman Begins, where Batman says to Detective Flass, while hanging upside down from a grappling hook, "DO I LOOK LIKE A COP?!"
• The biomechanical crimborg helmet reference is to a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where a Cardassian interrogator is trying to break Picard by making him see five lights (when there were four).
• The black helmet message refers to Martin Lawrence's show Martin and his movie Black Knight.
• The blue traffic cone message refers to both Eiffel 65's song "Blue" ("...about a blue house with a blue window") and Michael Sembello's hit song "Maniac".
• The bowler message refers to the TV show The Avengers.
• The Brimstone Beret message "l'amour est enfer" is almost French for "love is hell".
• The bubblewrap bottlecap turtleban message refers to the genie in Disney's movie Aladdin.
• The bum cheek message refers to a line in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing: "But masters, remember that I am an ass, though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."
• The clingfilm cap message is a reference to Ulrich Haarbürste's fetishist stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm.
• The clockwork hat message refers to Beethoven and that he went deaf, but still composed music, as well as referring to how Alex from A Clockwork Orange refers to Beethoven.
• The clown wig message is also a quote from the Joker in the 1989 Batman movie.
• The coconut shell message refers to the song "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts", written in 1944 and performed by Monty Python, among many others.
• The Colander of Em-er'il message refers to Emeril Lagasse's catch phrase "Bam!"
• The Crimbo hat message refers to the poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement C. Moore.
• The Crown of the Goblin King messages both refer to the movie Labyrinth, which features David Bowie as the Goblin King.
• The Disco 'Fro Pick has a reference to the classic disco hit "Stayin' Alive".
• The Dolphin King's crown message "what does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows!" is a reference to the movie Hudson Hawk.
• The duct tape fedora messages are all references to film noir movies. The second one is Chinatown.
• The Dyspepsi-Cola helmet message is a reference to Michael Jackson, who starred in a number of Pepsi commercials.
• The El Vibrato helmet message is a reference to Eiffel 65's song "Blue".
• The Elder Turtle Shell message is a reference to Morla, the Ancient One from The Neverending Story.
• The enchanted eyepatch's message refers to a few scenes in Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.
• The enchantlers message, just like the hat itself, is a direct reference to Tim, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
• The extra-large palm-frond toupee message about "Spalding" refers to the movie Cast Away. It may also contain a subtle hint that you cannot name your volleyball familiar "Wilson".

Mad Hatrack Hat Messages
A-E	F-N	O-Z