Monty Basingstoke-Pratt, IV

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Monty Basingstoke-Pratt, IV
Monster ID	517
Locations	The Battlefield (War Hippy Fatigues)
Hit Points	240
Attack	195
Defense	175
No-Hit	205
Initiative	40
Meat	160-240
Phylum	orc
Elements	sleaze
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops	bejeweled pledge pin, distressed denim pants, kick-ass kicks, natty blue ascot, white class ring
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Monty Basingstoke-Pratt, IV

Well, Muffy, it looks like you've encountered Lord Montague "Monty" Basingstoke-Pratt IV. His blood is so blue it's frequently mistaken for toilet bowl cleaner, and his teeth are white enough to be seen from orbit. He has a sweater tied around his neck, an ascot, a dickey, and a sizeable trust fund. He looks like the bastard child of a chewing gum commercial and a J. Crew catalog.

Rumor has it that he's a member of a secret society, the Bum and Paddles. It's an organization where rich folks can sit around plotting world domination and generally feeling superior to everyone else. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Hit Message(s):

He looks down his nose at you, sniffing dismissively. Ow! Your feelings! Ow! Ouch! Ooh! Eek! Argh! (sleaze damage)

He shows you the super-secret greeting of the Bum and Paddles society. Here's a hint - it involves your bum, and a paddle. Ooh! Argh! Ow! Argh! Ooh!

He hits you with his dickey. Huh huh. Oof! Argh! Oof! Ooh! Ow! (sleaze damage)

He picks up a PADL phone and says "the goshawk flies at midnight." A ninja appears out of nowhere and slices your thigh. Oof! Eek! Ooh! Oof! Oof!

He garottes you with his ascot. Argh! Argh! Ugh! Eek! Argh! (sleaze damage)

Critical Hit Message:

He uses the secret hazing methods passed down through generations of Bum and Paddle members to somehow paddle you from fifteen feet away. It's pretty impressive and very painful.Oof! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to act snooty with you, but you're distracted by how funny a word "snooty" is.

He's too distracted with being the behind-the-scenes power of the entire Kingdom to bother attacking you.

He tries to paddle your bum, but no one will bum him a paddle to do so.

He tries to hit you with his dickey, but you make fun of the word "dickey" until he's near tears.

Fumble Message:

He tries to take off his ascot and strangle you with it, but it gets tangled in the buttons on his dickey and the sweater tied around his neck. He turns a little blue as he tries to disentangle himself. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 174−215 Meat

You acquire an item: white class ring (? chance)*

You acquire an item: natty blue ascot (100% chance)*

You acquire an item: distressed denim pants (? chance)*

You acquire an item: bejeweled pledge pin (? chance)*

You acquire an item: kick-ass kicks (? chance)*

You gain 48-50 <substat>.

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• Occurs at The Battlefield (War Hippy Fatigues).

References

• J. Crew is a well-known "preppy" fashion clothing brand.
• "Ow! Your feelings!" echoes a memorable punchline from the Family Guy episode "And the Wiener Is...", in which Peter Griffin's brand-new (and overtly phallic) car is hit head-on by a truck (which crushes Peter's long vehicle into a short, crinkled stub). A bus full of female supermodels drives past, and all the supermodels laugh mockingly at Peter, who sadly intones, "Ow. My pride."
• The Bum and Paddles is a possible reference to The Order of Skull and Bones, a secret society at Yale University, rumored to have mysterious international connections, but not necessarily bent on world domination.