The Table

There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required. Determine stat gain formula.

Choice adventure number: 625

The Table

The kitchen table. The gathering place for families, the groaning board upon which nourishment is laid, the flat surface upon which the day's worries (and the mail) is laid. A powerful symbolic entity for the Pretentious Artist. It's also the place where he eats his breakfast.

See what you've made so far

You look at your kitchen table to survey what you have accomplished so far:

Initially:

You've haven't managed to make any breakfast foods at all! At this rate, it's going to take you all day just to make a single meal.

After making a dish:

Ingredient	Utensil	Result	Stat
Batter	Cutter	You've ironically winked at the concept of home cooking by making a biscuit.	Muscle
	Knife	(inedible)
	Spatula	You've upended traditional art theory to make a pancake.	Mysticality
	Torch	(inedible)
	Whisk	You've really pushed the boundaries of metaphor to make some waffles.	Moxie
Bread	Cutter	You've made some truly avant garde novelty toast.	Moxie
	Knife	You've made a subtly ironic piece of toast.	Mysticality
	Spatula	(inedible)
	Torch	You've pushed the boundaries of what the mainstream considers french toast.	Muscle
	Whisk	(inedible)
Eggs	Cutter	(inedible)
	Knife	(inedible)
	Spatula	You've created a masterful fried egg.	Moxie
	Torch	You've made an egg as hardboiled as the jaded facade you present to the world.	Mysticality
	Whisk	You've made a poignant plate of scrambled eggs.	Muscle
Meat	Cutter	You've made some deeply symbolic sausage patties.	Mysticality
	Knife	You've decided regular bacon is too mainstream and made some Canadian bacon.	Moxie
	Spatula	You've given in to your populist urges and made some bacon.	Muscle
	Torch	(inedible)
	Whisk	(inedible)
Potatoes	Cutter	(inedible)
	Knife	You've subtly hinted at the dark underpinnings of suburban life with homestyle potatoes	Muscle
	Spatula	(inedible)
	Torch	You've made a nourishing, but jarringly inappropriate, baked potato.	Moxie
	Whisk	You've thumbed your nose at the mainstream by making mashed potatoes for breakfast.	Mysticality

Inedible messages:

Despite your best efforts, one of the dishes you made isn't as arty or edible as you'd like.

You couldn't fully realize your artistic vision on a dish, and it's just a mess.

You tried to do something new and innovative, but the result was jejune and barely edible.

You tried to really push the envelope of what breakfast could be, and made a barely-edible mess.

Your attempts at the truly novel have resulted in the truly messy.

And then, initially:

You sit down at the table, but something just doesn't seem right. The aesthetics of the meal are incomplete; you could no sooner eat this now than you could put a moustache on the Mona Lisa.

Or, after making five dishes:

Your opus is nearly complete. It need now only be subsumed (and consumed) by the Artist's soul (and mouth).

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Eat your breakfast

You don't yet have a full breakfast to eat. Breakfast is an art, and art takes time. Lots of time.

Or, once you've made 5 dishes:

You sit down to the troubled repast of an artist's soul. Like all great art, it nourishes your soul. Like all artists, you're just thankful you get to have something to eat today.

Gain some of the following depending on the meal you made - scales to your stats - needs spading:

You gain U Strengthliness.

You gain W Wizardliness.

You gain X Sarcasm.

You gain Y hit points.

You gain Z Mana Points.

And if you make an especially delicious meal:

Your meal is especially delicious!

You acquire an effect: My Breakfast With Andrea (duration: 40 Adventures)

or

You acquire an effect: The Champion's Breakfast (duration: 30 Adventures)

or

You acquire an effect: Tiffany's Breakfast (duration: 40 Adventures)

Or, if you've already made that meal this ascension:

Your meal is delicious, but true art isn't repetitive.

You acquire an effect: My Breakfast With Andrea (duration: 20 Adventures)

or

You acquire an effect: The Champion's Breakfast (duration: 15 Adventures)

or

You acquire an effect: Tiffany's Breakfast (duration: 20 Adventures)

Or, if you make an especially horrible meal

Your meal is a disaster.

You acquire an effect: Breakfast Clubbed (duration: 25 Adventures)

If you've made all three especially delicious meals and an especially horrible meal:

After you finish eating, you look up from your meal to see a gleaming blade buried deep within the butcher's block of your table. You grab it by the handle and free it with ease.

You acquire an item: Ginsu™

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Contemplate Existence

You've eaten your daily repast, and the table contains nothing but the unwashed dishes of your lingering discontent.

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• Occurs in The Pretentious Artist's Obsession

Notes

• This encounter doesn't use an adventure.
• The first two buttons show up before you've eaten, the last one only shows up afterwards.
• To get the "My Breakfast With Andrea" buff, eat a meal consisting of Canadian Bacon, Ironic Toast, Pancakes, and Scrambled Eggs with Homestyle Potatoes.
  • e.g. Meat & Knife, Bread & Knife, Batter & Spatula, Eggs & Whisk, Potatoes & Knife
• To get the "The Champion's Breakfast" buff, eat a meal consisting of Sausage Patties, French Toast, Waffles, and Hardboiled Eggs with a Baked Potato.
  • e.g. Meat & Cutter, Bread & Torch, Batter & Whisk, Eggs & Torch, Potatoes & Torch
• To get the "Tiffany's Breakfast" buff, eat a meal consisting of Bacon, Novelty Toast, a Biscuit, and Fried Eggs with Mashed Potatoes.
  • e.g. Meat & Spatula, Bread & Cutter, Batter & Cutter, Eggs & Spatula, Potatoes & Whisk
• To get the "Breakfast Clubbed" buff, eat a meal consisting entirely of inedible items.
• The meals eaten to acquire Ginsu must all be consumed in a single ascension in order for the sword to be obtained.