April Fools' Familiars

There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required. Damage range, Percentages, etc.

On April Fool's Day 2010, familiars transformed into one of these wacky familiars at the start of combat.

• At the start of combat:<name> changes into a <Random April Fools Familiar>.
• After combat: <name> reverts to his original form.
• Runaway: <name> reverts to an amorphous blob

Bank Piggy

Ability: Takes 100 Meat every round, then returns the meat taken with 5% interest at end of combat.

Combat message:

<name> takes 100 Meat from you.

You lose 100 Meat.

End of combat:

<name> returns your Meat to you, with interest! Like, he's interested in the process. And also your Meat has earned interest.

You gain ((Meat)*1.05) Meat.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> winks at you beneath the Tam O'Shanter. Cha-ching!.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> does a spirited waddle around the gravy-covered maypole

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> grins at you with the wax lips, but they're stuck in the slot on his back, so the effect is kind of weird.

Egg Benedict

Ability: Attacks you at the end of combat for 50% of your max HP. Even if your HP drops to zero as a result of its attack, you still win the fight.

Combat messages:

<name> wobbles back and forth a little.

<name> stabs you in the back.

You lose 50% hit points.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name>... well, doesn't do much of anything beneath the Tam O'Shanter, because it doesn't have any eyes. But you can tell it's plotting something.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> rolls around the maypole in a wobbly circle.

• With wax lips equipped:

  Since <name> doesn't have a mouth, it just sort of sits next to the wax lips.

Floating Eye

Ability: Paralyzes your foe or you, each turn. If you're paralyzed, your opponent will not miss, regardless of how high your moxie is. If you use a skill, the eye will always paralyze your opponent that turn.

Combat messages:

<name> gazes into your opponent's eyes, paralyzing him

As you start to attack, <name> gazes into your eyes, paralyzing you.

As you're about to use that item, <name> gazes into your eyes, paralyzing you.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> winks at you beneath the Tam O'Shanter. Or possibly blinks? Does it even have an eyelid?

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> hovers in a circle around the maypole.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> grins at you with the wax lips held in its... well, I don't know what you call the stem bit of a lowercase e.

Money-Making Goblin

Ability: Takes meat drops and either gives back double or loses everything.

End of Combat:

<name> grabs <amount> Meat and quickly rushes off toward the Thatch-Roofed Casino. A few minutes later, he trudges back with a disappointed look on his face.

<name> grabs <amount> Meat and quickly rushes off toward the Thatch-Roofed Casino. A few minutes later, he runs back to you with a big grin on his face.

You gain 2*amount Meat.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> gives you a wink from beneath his Tam O'Shanter, and giggles slyly.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> does a weird little goblin dance around the maypole.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> grins at you with weirdly oversized wax lips.

Oyster Bunny

Ability: Drops an Oyster Egg at the end of combat.

Combat messages:

<name> makes a soft clucking noise.

<name> hops around sniffing at things.

End of combat

<name> clucks and lays an egg.

You acquire an item: Random Oyster Egg

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> winks at you beneath the Tam O'Shanter, and wiggles her nose adorably.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> does a dance around the maypole. That dance being, perhaps a litle too obviously, the Bunny Hop.

• With wax lips equipped:

  The wax lips wobble back and forth as <name> chews on them.

Plastic Grocery Bag

Ability: Does nothing.

Combat message:

<name> makes crinkling noises as it gets chased around by a cat.

<name> gets caught in a tree. "Yep," you think to yourself, "There's that bag."

<name> just sits there being unsafe for children.

<name> blows around in the breeze. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  Well, plastic bags can't wink, but if they could, you're pretty sure this one would be winking at you.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> flutters around the maypole, caught in a light breeze. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

• With wax lips equipped:

  The wax lips stuck to the front of <name> smile at you pleasantly.

Snowhitman

Ability: Deals physical or cold damage, or gives 5 turns of B-b-brr! or Bruised Jaw.

Combat message:

<name> pops a silenced cap in your opponent, dealing X damage.

<name> jumps on your opponent and smothers him, dealing X damage.

<name> grabs a chunk of itself and throws it at your face. That thing is brutal.

You acquire an effect: B-b-brr! (duration: 5 Adventures)

<name> pistolwhips you, seriously bruising your jaw. Man. You can't trust anybody in this town.

You acquire an effect: Bruised Jaw (duration: 5 Adventures)

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  <name> tilts back his Tam O'Shanter and gives you a cool wink.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> does a slow, menacing gavotte around your maypole.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> smiles at you with the wax lips pressed into his face.

Vampire Bird

Ability: Deals physical or hot damage during combat. Damages you at the end of combat and gains bonus experience.

Combat message:

The Vampire Bird stabs your opponent in [his/her/its]s ass, dealing X damage.

The Vampire Bird casts your opponent into the lake of burning fire. Your opponent is burning to the crisp, taking X damage.

End of combat:

The Vampire Bird sucks the blood out of you, killing you. Well, not killing you, just hurting you.

You lose some hit points.

The Vampire Bird gains some experience

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  The vampire bird turns its head to one side so that you can see it wink beneath the Tam.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> hops in a circle around the maypole. It would be pretty creepy, if there were more of them. Like a cross between Busby Berkeley and Alfred Hitchcock.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> smiles at you with the wax lips clenched in its beak. It's creepy as hell, but at least it can't stab you in the ass anymore.

Worm Doctor

Ability: Heals you or the foe.

Combat messages:

<name> is interested in things. Right now, he seems to be interested in treating your opponent's wounds. Why that treacherous little... worm!

<name> isn't a real doctor, but he manages to patch you up a little bit anyway.

You gain some hit points.

• With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:

  You have the feeling that, somewhere underneath that Tam O'Shanter, <name> is winking at you.

• With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:

  <name> (that's his stage name) burrows underneath the maypole. Presumably he's dancing down there.

• With wax lips equipped:

  <name> hasn't got a mouth with which to wear the wax lips, but it's the thought that counts.

References

• They call me Doctor Worm.
• The plastic grocery bag is a reference to the film American Beauty.
• Like the vampire bat, the Vampire Bird refers to the Wesley Willis song "Vampire Bat".
• The Egg Benedict is a reference to a rather famous American backstabber and an egg dish.
• The Floating Eye is a reference to the monster of the same name in the computer game NetHack.