Disco horoscopes

This page is in need of content. Horoscope texts. Please put them in alphabetical order. There may be random parts inside some horoscopes. There is now a message that suggests that some horoscopes are horoscope-specific. Needs more spading.

Disco horoscopes are usable items found in The Space Odyssey Discotheque. There are 12, each relating to a zodiac sign and each gives ten turns of a different effect, summarised in the table below:

Horoscope	Effect Name	Effect
Aquarius	Aquarius Rising	Spell Damage +30
Aries	Aries Rising	Weapon Damage +30
Cancer	Cancer Rising	Maximum MP +100%
Capricorn	Capricorn Rising	+5% Item Drops from Monsters
Gemini	Gemini Rising	Maximum HP +100%
Leo	Leo Rising	+10% Meat from Monsters
Libra	Libra Rising	+1 Muscle Stats Per Fight +1 Mysticality Stats Per Fight +1 Moxie Stats Per Fight
Pisces	Pisces Rising	Mysticality +50%
Sagittarius	Sagittarius Rising	Ranged Damage +30
Scorpio	Scorpio Rising	+25% Combat Initiative
Taurus	Taurus Rising	Muscle +50%
Virgo	Virgo Rising	Moxie +50%

There is a trophy for having all of the above 12 effects active at the same time.

Random Horoscopes

When using one of the above items you receive a random horoscope, taken from the list below:

• Abandon hope for future plans.
• After the apocalypse this week, the currency will be mustard. Start stocking up now.
• An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
• Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
• Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
• Beware the Ides of November.
• Beware the phlegmatic stranger, for he will borrow your alarm clock and never return it.
• Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
• Careful that you don't get shot by an evil stranger this week, if at all possible.
• Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
• Don't cast your pearls before toads this week.
• Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
• Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
• Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
• Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
• Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
• Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
• Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
• That blind stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
• That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just Woody Santos pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
• The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
• The catatonic bumblebee under your bed is fine. Probably.
• The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
• The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
• The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
• The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a crowbar, every problem looks like a nail.
• The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
• The stars say your copy of Scarlet Yearning is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
• This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
• This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
• This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
• Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
• To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
• Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
• Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
• Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
• You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
• You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
• You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
• You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
• Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
• Your gluten intolerance is far more socially acceptable than your other intolerances. Keep those hidden deep inside you.
• Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
• Your lucky numbers this week are 96, 28, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
• Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
• Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.

References

• Some of the horoscopes are lines from the Weird Al Yankovic song "Your Horoscope For Today", specifically:
  • Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
  • The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
  • You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
  • Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• "Abandon hope for future plans" is a line from the They Might Be Giants song, "Hide Away Folk Family" -- In the song this was specific to Aquarius.