Cold hobo

Cold hobo
Monster ID	690
Locations	Exposure Esplanade
Hit Points	500
Attack	350
Defense	315
No-Hit	360
Initiative	100
Meat	None
Phylum	hobo
Elements	cold
Resistance	?
Monster Parts	arm, head, leg, torso
Drops	Blizzards I Have Died In, freezin' bindle, frigid air mattress, hobo nickel, Maxing, Relaxing
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Dandy Copeland

A snowball lands at your feet with a resounding paffff. You look up and see a hobo busily making snowballs on the roof of a nearby building. "Get this chip out of my head!" he says, and lobs another snowball.

"What?" you say, dodging.

"I said get this here alien technology out of my skull! You think that just because you work the concessions, you're a grease knuckle? You think just because you're a dung mammoth, you can addle my brain-pan?" He leaps off the roof and charges you, getting angrier and less coherent by the second.

or

A hobo regards you with a glassy-eyed stare as you walk past. "Hey. Buddy. Hey," he says. "Are you a part of the Trepa Nation?"

"Nope," you say. "I was part of the Rhythm Nation for a while, but I got tired of all the big shoulderpads."

"Oh, well, you gotta join up!" he says. "Y'see, you can't trust your senses, because they lie to you. But once I use this big icicle to make a hole in your skull, you'll be able to see the world for what it really is!"

"Uh, no thanks," you say, but he advances on you. Looks like he's not going to take 'no,' or 'arrrgh stop it dear god it hurts,' for an answer.

or

You see a hobo climb out of a little makeshift igloo. "Wow," you say, "it's an honest-to-goodness eskimobo!"

The hobo glares at you. "Inuit," he growls.

"How exotic your language is! Inuit to you as well, eskimobo!" you reply.

"No, consarn it," he says, "I mean that 'Inuit' is the preferred nomenclature. 'Eskimobo is an ignorant, derogatory term, and it makes us really, really mad."

"Okay, okay," you say. "Geez, you eskimoboes sure are a cranky people..."

or

A hobo who looks like he's wearing an entire refrigerator lumbers up to you. "All right, everyone," he says, cocking a fist back, "chill!"

"Wow, what a god-awful pun," you say. "Look, I'm not looking for trouble, here..."

"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your entreaties," he says. "I'm going to have to put you on ice!"

or

You slip on a patch of ice and slide right into a sleeping hobo. "Razzin-frammin' penguins slidin' around all over my lawn!" he shouts, charging toward you with murder (and sleep) in his bloodshot eyes.

Hit Message(s):

He slips some snow down the back of your pants. Man, that was a cold-ass thing to do. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He holds you down and washes your face with snow. You flash back to the halcyon days of your youth, which really, really sucked. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He pelts you with snowballs. For the first time, you find yourself wishing you were in hell. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He stabs you with an icicle. Et tu, Frosty? Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

Critical Hit Message:

not known

Miss Message(s):

He tries to slip snow down the back of your pants, but you cover your ass.

He slips on a patch of ice and slides off down the alley. You quickly set up a bunch of trash cans for him to slide into, and celebrate when he knocks them all down. Strike!

Fumble Message:

unknown (FUMBLE!)

Special Move(s):

He fills his mouth with snow and gives you a frostbite. Get it? Oh yeah, you got it.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He pours out a bottle of cheap wine, forming a little red ice-skating rink. You slip and fall in a way that looks hilarious but is pretty painful.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He thumps the side of a nearby building. You hear a strange slithering noise, and look up just in time to see half a ton of snow slide off the roof and bury you.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He drops an ice cube down your back. You shiver, not with antici-pation, but with frigid coldness.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He tricks you into licking a frozen lamppost, then beats you mercilessly as you struggle to free yourself.

You loss X hit points. (cold damage)

He rummages around in his bindle and produces a snowball, which he throws at your <shoulder>.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He sticks two fingers in his mouth and utters the loudest, most piercing whistle you've ever heard. The next thing you hear is the cracking of several dozen icicles hanging above you, and the next few things after that are all variations on the theme of 'ow'.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

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After Combat

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Occurs at Exposure Esplanade

Notes

• The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected.
• An as-yet-undetermined mechanism allows hobos to use special attacks. These attacks do a great deal more damage than normal attacks and don't seem to interact with defensive abilities.
• After causing damage, one of these two messages appears:

The hobo cries out in pain. or The hobo cries out in pain. The reverberations of his scream knock an icicle loose from the ceiling, which plunges straight into your chest.

You lose X hit points. (cold damage)

Images