Bored of Education
You swim up to a little group of Mer-kin kids who are lounging around the playground, yawning and looking all disaffected and bored.
"What's the matter, guys?" you ask.
"We're all disaffected and bored," one of the kids replies. "We're suffering the crushing ennui that comes from knowing that life is but a brutal series of random events, cold and unrelenting."
Another of the kids nods. "Yeah, and we've already been down the slides, like, three times apiece, and someone's always hogging the swings."
"Well, would you like to play a game?" you ask.
The bored kids stifle yawns, and one says, "what kind of game? The kind where the only way to win is not to play? The kind of game that -- oh, I don't know -- some airbreather in a shoddy costume would convince us to play?"
"No, a fun game, assclown," you say.
| Offer to Play Marbles |
"Let's play marbles, guys," you say. "What are 'marbles?'"
"Well, they're these little glass balls, and you try to hit other people's balls with your balls, and if you do, you take their balls."
"You know," one of the Mer-kin kids says, "if we had external genitalia, I get the feeling we'd be laughing hysterically by now. But sorry, new kid, we don't have any marbles."
"You mean you lost your marbles?" you say, grinning. You don't even get a chance to explain the pun before one of the kids punches you in the eye, and they all walk away.
 | You lose 207 hit points. |
| Offer to Play Dry Willy |
"Well," you say, "we can play a game called 'Dry Willy.'" "How do you play that?" one of the Mer-kin kids asks.
"Like this," you say. You put your finger in your mouth, sucking on it until it's as dry as it can possibly be. Then you shove your finger into one of the Mer-kin kids' ears. He leaps around freaking out that there's no water in his ear.
"Hey, that was pretty cool, new kid," one of the Mer-kin kids says. "Let us show you one of our games. It's called 'Give the New Kid a Swirlie.'"
"Uh, actually, I've played that game, and I didn't much care for it -- hey, don't drag me into the bathroom -- how does an underwater toilet even WORK? You little bastards!"
Well, at least you know where the bathrooms are, now.
| Offer to Play Jacks |
"Why don't we play some Jacks, guys?"
"Is that the game where you steal other people's stuff? I think I'd be pretty good at that," one of the Mer-kin kids says.
"No, no, no. You take these little metal things, see, and you throw them on the ground. Then you bounce this rubber ball, and you try to pick up as many of the metal things as you can before the ball bounces."
"That sounds lame."
"No, it's fun, watch -- whoop!" as soon as you let go of the ball, it shoots straight up, heading for the surface of the sea.
"Well, that didn't work," one of the kids says, "but I'll bet these little metal things would hurt if I threw them at you."
"Yeah, but you wouldn't -- ow! ow! You little bastards!"
| You lose 271 hit points. |
Occurs at Mer-kin Elementary School
References
- The line about a game where the only winning move is not to play is a reference to WarGames, said by the computer (Joshua/WOPR). "A strange game [Global Thermonuclear War]. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?"
