Fratacombs (War Hippy Fatigues)

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Fratacombs
Fratacombs

You sneak through the frat house and find a door that leads down a flight of stairs into the catacombs beneath the frat house. Well, okay, "catacombs" is probably too grand a word for a basement with a lot of twisty little hallways. You don't see a map anywhere, since you haven't found the compass yet for this dungeon, so you'll just have to wander aimlessly.

Wander this way

You walk along the darkened corridors and find a door with a sign that says "War Room" on it. Unfortunately, it's blocked by three full kegs of beer. You decide that moving, rather than emptying, the kegs is the best way to proceed, since you want to keep your wits about you. You heave one keg out of the way, then ho???[sic] the other two off to the side.

You open the door and see nothing but a small closet with some cleaning supplies in it. You read the door more closely, and see the remnants of painted letters that have been faded by time: apparently, this is actually "Ward's Broom Closet." I guess the frat boys' janitor is named "Ward."

Oh, well. At least you got a good workout!

You gain 50 Beefiness.
Wander that way

You walk down a dark hallway, through a series of twisty little passages, get tired of wandering around, and open a door at random. Ah, you've found the supply closet where the frat boys store their war rations! You rationalize that rationing a bit of their rations wouldn't hurt anyone, so you grab a portion of their rations and beat feet. You better hope the hippies don't catch you with this stuff, man -- it's definitely neither organic nor cruelty-free.

You acquire an item: brain-meltingly-hot chicken wings
You acquire an item: frat brats
You acquire an item: melted Jell-o shot
You acquire an item: can of Swiller
You acquire an item: knob ka-bobs
Screw this, head to the roof

You decide wandering around a dark, creepy basement doesn't sound like as much fun as it initially did, so you head back up the stairs, up to the second floor, then up to the roof. On top of the roof, you see that the frat boys have constructed some kind of lookout tower. It looks much like what you'd expect from people with limited intellect and unlimited capacity for alcohol consumption -- basically, like a giant advertisement for tetanus and splinters.

You carefully climb the ladder up to the top of the tower, where there's a makeshift platform made out of old, cracked paddles. You wonder if it'll hold your weight, and wish you had left your collection of bowling balls and cinder blocks at home for this mission. Oh, wait, you did? Okay, then. You'll probably be fine.

You see a giant map of the Mysterious Island rolled out on the top of the platform. It shows the Hippy Camp, Orcish Frathouse, and the Pirate's Cove, but other than that it doesn't look at all familiar. The map is far more detailed than any map you've seen of the island -- apparently, there are far more than three little settlements on the land mass. As you mentally copy the map to draw it out later, you hear a gurgling from behind you. You turn and see a small fish bowl, with a single dead goldfish in it. Looks like this is one fish that's been surprised by its last tiny plastic castle. You take a closer look, and it's no wonder the fish is dead -- some genius filled the bowl with beer instead of water. You walk to the edge of the platform and dump the bowl out: beer, fish, and all.

"Hey!" a voice says down below, then "All right, it's raining beer, bra!" then "Wait -- Franz? Franz, is that you? Oh my god, Franz is totally dead, bra!"

You poke your head over the side and see a frat boy cradling the goldfish's tiny corpse. He looks up and sees you. "You did it! You killed Franz!"

"What are you talking about?" you reply.

"My goldfish, bra! I named him after Franz Ferdinand, my favorite band, and now you've killed him! This means war!"

"Uh, we're already at war."

"This means double-secret war then, bra! You'd better watch your ass!"

He runs off to raise the alarm, and you carefully climb down from the tower and sneak out. Apparently you can beat the crap out of frat boys, light them on fire, and steal their booze, but animal cruelty is where they draw the line. You'd point out the poignant irony of this commonality between the frat boys and hippies, but then you'd have to explain to a bunch of angry frat boys what the words "poignant" and "irony" mean, so you just high-tail it to a safe place.

Occurs at the Orcish Frat House (Verge of War).

Notes

References

  • The name of the goldfish is a reference to the Scottish band Franz Ferdinand, named after Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria, whose assassination set off World War I.
  • "Twisty passages" refers to the classic game Adventure.
  • The description of the goldfish is a reference to the Ani DiFranco song "Little Plastic Castle": "They say goldfish have no memory / I guess their lives are much like mine / The little plastic castle / Is a surprise every time".
  • The last sentence of the initial description refers to The Legend of Zelda, in which a compass and Dungeon Map are used in Dungeons to find your way around.
  • Double-Secret War refers to the classic college movie National Lampoon's Animal House, wherein the protagonists are put on double-secret probation.
Orcish Frat House (Verge of War) Choice Adventures
Catching Some Zetas   Fratacombs   One Less Room Than In That Movie
Take the bombs and wreak some havoc gain 50 Beefiness Wander this way gain 50 Beefiness Supply Room gain 50 Cheek
Keep the bombs to use later 6-7 sake bombers Wander (that way/the other way) hot chicken wings, frat brats, knob ka-bobs, can of Swiller, melted Jell-o shot Munitions Dump 2-5 beer bombs
Wake up the pledge and throw down fight a War Pledge Screw this, head to the roof start the war Officer's Lounge fight a Frat Warrior drill sergeant
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