Melvil Dewey Would Be Ashamed
While wandering around the towering, dusty library shelves, you encounter the Head Librarian's desk. You can tell it's hers, because it has a little sign on it that says "Quiet, please, or I'll swallow your soul."
There's not much of interest here, but you do find a small pile of recently-returned books. It appears that they haven't been processed yet, so if you were to take one, the late fees wouldn't go on your account. Your palms start to itch.
| Hork the gray-bound volume |
You glance around to make sure none of the librarians are looking, and cram the book into your... well, your inventory. Where do you keep all that stuff, anyway?
 | You acquire an item: Necrotelicomnicon |
| Yoink the green-bound tome |
You grab the green book and dart into the hallway before any of the librarians see you. When you finally get a good look at the book, you're struck with a horrifying revalation: It's a cookbook! A cookbook!
| You acquire an item: Cookbook of the Damned |
| Gaffle the purple-bound book |
You gaffle the purple-bound book. You gaffle the purple-bound book. You gaffle, gaffle, gaffle, gaffle, gaffle the purple-bound book, and head back out into the hallway before anybody sees you. After you're out of sight, you sit down and take a look at the book, and realize that it's a sleazy romance novel! What kind of library is this?
| You acquire an item: Sinful Desires |
| Leave without taking anything |
You resist the temptation to Steal That Book.
Occurs in The Haunted Library.
Notes
- This adventure occurs much more rarely than the other Haunted Library noncombats. It is currently thought to happen entirely at random, with a probability of between 1/100 and 1/200.
- Jick has suggested that Pastamancers have a higher probability of encountering this adventure, if they haven't encountered it yet during their current ascension.
- The colors of the bindings for each book refer to the element that each book represents (gray for spooky, green for stench, and purple for sleaze).
- Choosing "Leave without taking anything" does not consume an adventure.
- This adventure takes precedence over Lights Out in the Library. If you choose to leave without taking anything, you can still get the Lights out adventure next.
References
- Melvil Dewey was the creator of the Dewey decimal system.
- The librarian's threat to "swallow your soul" refers to similar soul-swallowing threats made by possessed women in the Evil Dead trilogy.
- "Steal That Book" is a reference to Abbie Hoffman's book Steal This Book.
- The "horrifying revelation" that the green book is a cookbook is a reference to the short story "To Serve Man", which was later made into an episode of The Twilight Zone.
- The "gaffle the purple-bound book" text is to the tune of "Follow the Yellow Brick Road", from The Wizard of Oz, as evidenced by the repetition of the word "gaffle"; the lyrics of the song go "Follow the Yellow Brick Road, / follow the Yellow Brick Road, / follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Brick Road."
