Of Might and Magic
You step into the Naughty Sorceress's boudoir. "All right," you say, "where are you, you naughty old girl? Let's do that thing where I defeat your evil plans."
A flash of lightning reveals the points of two wicked horns, attached to a wicked helmet under which there are two wicked eyes and a wicked smile. "Sorceress?" the man bellows. "There be no sorceress here. I found myself pulled back to the mortal plain[sic], I know not why, and I climbed the tower to slay her myself, yet found nothing but a delicious sausage. I gobbled it up to assuage my manly hunger, but to be honest, it's not sitting all that well. I feel like I'm about to release the thunder, if you do follow me."
| Do I have to follow you? |
"I really don'-" you start, but Jarlsberg's voice takes over again: "Boris! I might have known I'd find you here, once again standing in the way of me and my destiny!"
"Look, Jarlsberg," Boris says, sighing heavily and leaning on his axe,"what is your problem, anyway? I was never mean to you. I never took to myself a wench that had caught your eye. Why must we always find ourselves opposed? Why does your hatred for me burn so brightly?"
| Why indeed? |
"I'll tell you why," Jarlsberg sneers, "you always got all the attention! You hogged all the glory! And why? Because you were blessed with a natural predisposition to put on muscle mass! Because you have a loud voice! Because your chin was chiseled by the gods before you were born! You're nothing but an overmuscled freak of nature, handed every advantage, while I had to study for years to earn my power!"
"Look, old friend," Boris says, "do you not know that I must lift weights for hours a day to maintain my manly physique? That I moderate my alcohol intake, though I thirst mightily for it, to stay sharp in battle? That I exercise my diaphragm to add heft to my manly bellow? In the same way you earned your magical abilities, I earned my muscle. And unlike you, I must diligently exercise my muscle, or it will leave me and I will be nothing. In a way, I envy you."
"Y-you envy me?" the voice of Jarlsberg says, from your body. "I -- I never thought of it that way before. Perhaps even I, Jarlsberg the Mage, have something left to learn."
| Aw, we all learned something today. |
"Of course, it probably did suck for you, what with me always being surrounded by nubile wenches and male admirers, while you were off in a corner with your nose buried in yet another book," Boris says, "and, y'know, that one time I filled your locker with seal guts was, I admit, cruel--"
"That was YOU? Well, perhaps I shall stuff a locker with your guts after this, Boris! Let me show you how powerful my studies have made me! Have at you!"
"Gesundheit," Boris says, bemused, and hefts his axe.
| And so begins the epic battle |
The Avatar of Boris  -- (edit metadata)
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Occurs in place of The Naughty Sorceress in The Sorceress's Chamber.
