Smut orc screwer

Smut orc screwer
Monster ID	1233
Locations	The Smut Orc Logging Camp
Hit Points	69
Attack	69
Defense	69
No-Hit	79
Initiative	50
Meat	28-42
Phylum	orc
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops	backwoods screwdriver, screwing pooch, hardening cream
Quest	long hard screw, messy butt joint, morningwood plank, raging hardwood plank, thick caulk, weirdwood plank
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a smut orc screwer

This smut orc affixes pieces of wood together with screws and a screwdriver, and a screwdriver to drink while he works.

Hit Message(s):

He puts the screws to you, literally. Ow! Argh!

He stabs you with the phillips tip of his screwdriver, leaving a cross-shaped wound. Well, at least now your head repels vampires. Ooh! Ugh!

He drives a three-inch screw into your <groin>, and makes it hurt. Ugh! Oof!

He stabs you with the standard tip of his screwdriver, leaving a little rectangular hole in your <elbow>. Argh! Argh!

Critical Hit Message:

He puts his screwdriver tip into your belly button and unscrews it until your butt falls off. It's hilarious to anyone watching, but pretty painful for you. Eek! Ow! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to put the screws to you, but is such a screwball that he screws it up.

He tries to stab you in the <thigh> with his phillips tip, but you tell him your <thigh> uses a 3.5mm Allen wrench or nothing.

He tries to drive a three-inch screw into your <solar plexus>, but you laugh at how short it is.

He tries to stab you with the standard tip on his screwdriver, but you tell him your <knee> only takes phillips.

Fumble Message:

He forgets which way is tighty and which way is loosey, and tries to unscrew a screw into your <elbow>, with little success. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 28-42 Meat (average: 35, stdev: 3.24)*

You acquire an item: backwoods screwdriver (16.2% chance)*

You acquire an item: screwing pooch (4.8% chance)*

You acquire an item: "appropriate" piece of lumber (10.3% chance)*

You acquire an item: "appropriate" fastener (100% chance)*

You gain 19-21 <substat>.

Notes

• Lumber and fasteners only drop when you have not yet completed the bridge over The Orc Chasm.
• Wielding a logging hatchet causes an extra piece of lumber to drop about half the time.
• Having a loadstone in your off-hand causes an extra fastener to drop about half the time.

History

• Prior to the update on February 20th, 2019, the monster had 70 HP, 80 Attack and 75 Defense.

References

• The monster's stats being all 69 refers to the sex position (NSFW).
• The critical hit message is a reference to a short, nonsensical story told by Kvothe to his mercenary companions in The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss. Only one of the mercenaries finds it hilarious.