Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi (Volcanic Cave)
| Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi | |
|---|---|
| Monster ID | 887 |
| Locations | A Volcanic Cave |
| Hit Points | 260 |
| Attack | 185 |
| Defense | 166 |
| No-Hit | 195 |
| Initiative | 90 |
| Meat | None |
| Phylum | dude |
| Elements | None |
| Resistance | (soft damage cap?) |
| Monster Parts | head, arm, leg, torso |
| Drops | None |
| Manuel Entry | |
| refreshedit data | |
You're fighting Somerset Lopez, Dread MariachiYou leap from the final stepping-stone to the rocky island in the middle of the boiling lava. The island's central feature -- the only feature, really -- is a worn stone altar, covered with weakly-glowing runes that stir some vague memory in the back of your head. Atop the altar, you see a large evil-looking black candle, obviously not part of the altar's usual ceremonial trappings. Somerset Lopez stands before the altar; there is a click as he flips open a silver cigarette lighter.
"Lopez!" you shout. "What are you doing? Is that... that's an ancient Accordion Thief shrine!"
Lopez turns and sneers at you. "Sí, muchacho/muchacha. And once I've finished this rite of desecration and absorbed its powers, I will be putting a final end to the war between the mariachi and los ladrones del acordión."
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" you reply, leaping to attack.
Hit Message(s):
You desperately try to dodge Lopez's gunfire, but he's got more bullets than you have places to hide. Ugh! Oof! Eek!
Lopez laughs raucously as he sprays the area with bullets. You can't say that you find it particularly funny. Ugh! Eek! Ugh!
You're pretty sure Lopez's instrument is neither a Telecaster nor a Stratocaster, but he makes a pretty good attempt at killing you with it anyway. Ugh! Ugh! Ow!
Since Lopez is a Mexi-can, he can do whatever he wants. Apparently what he wants to do is beat the hell out of you. Eek! Ow! Eek!
Your body acquires several new holes thanks to Lopez's guitarrón. Convenient if you're into body jewelery, but painful nonetheless. Ugh! Eek! Oof!
Lopez sprays the area where you were just standing with his guitarrón. You raise an arm to shield your face from chips of flying rock.
Just as Lopez is about to bring his guitarrón down upon your head, you ask him what he thinks he's doing. "Goddamnit, <playername>," he complains. "You've got a whole lot to learn about rock and roll!"
You dive to the ground and bullets zip past your head like angry lead bees as Lopez sprays the area with his semi-automatic guitarrón, laughing raucously.
Lopez attempts to fill you full of lead, but it looks like he's a Mexi-can't.
One of the mariachis watching from the balcony throws a dagger at you, and you dodge just in the nick of time. "No help from the audience, por favor," Lopez admonishes, waving a stern finger at the guy, who has the decency to look embarrassed.
Lopez stops to reload his guitarrón. It takes a little while, because he has to re-tune it afterwards. (FUMBLE!)
| You gain some <substat>. |
| Continue |
Occurs at The Nemesis' Lair, after using all 5 keys in The Hacienda.
Notes
- Occurs after solving the lava puzzle, or choosing to skip it.
- If you lose the battle, you can try again without having to repeat the lava puzzle.
- Leads to Flying In Circles, and subsequently, Somerset Lopez, Demon Mariachi.
- This monster cannot be copied.
- This monster has 25% elemental resistance.
References
- The hit and miss messages stating whether Lopez is a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't reference the mariachi-heavy movie Once Upon A Time In Mexico. At one point in the movie, Johnny Depp's character asks Danny Trejo's "Are you a Mexi-can, or a Mexi-can't?"
- The hit and miss messages referring to Lopez beating you with his guitarron reference Jim Steinman's "Love and Death and an American Guitar", which features the line "I don't remember if it was a Telecaster or a Stratocaster", and culminates with the protagonist - having been stopped from beating his parents to death with the ambiguous guitar in a manner much as the player does here - shouting "Goddamnit, Daddy! You know I love you, but you've got a HELL of a lot to learn about rock and roll!"
- Riff clarifies: "My knowledge of it is from the first track of the Kleptones album "Uptime", which heavily samples the aforementioned work, apparently changing the phrasing slightly."
