Mad Hatrack Messages (F-N)

The Mad Hatrack familiar has different functions depending on what hats it wears.

F

• F3d0r4:

	<Name> points at it and makes a tommy-gun noise. Apparently the delusions are pretty powerful, because it takes X damage.

• Fancy ball mask:

	<Name> grabs <it> and waltzes with <it>, ending with a series of dizzying spins.

	<Name> grabs you and does the merengue with you. Sadly, that's the dance, not the pie topping.

• Fez of etymology:

	<Name> says "you should know that the word 'fez' was coined when someone asked what ridiculous hat the first fez-wearer was wearing, and the fez-wearer sneezed before he could answer," then winks knowingly.

• Filthy knitted dread sack:

	<Name> says "stop, children, what's that sound?" <He> stops attacking to listen.

	<Name> smiles a blissed-out smile and says, "have a nice day, man."

• Fire:

	<Name> says "Fire! Giver of warmth, destroyer of civilizations... my head is on fire!" and headbutts it for X damage.

	<Name> says "I'm such a hothead, aren't I?" and grins at his joke.

• Foolscap fool's cap:

	<Name> says "Prithee, good sir, how many monks doth it take to change a lightbulb? Wait, what's a lightbulb?" and laughs at his own joke.

• Football helmet:

	<Name> shouts, "Blue 32! Blue 32!" then runs headlong at him, tackling him for X damage.

• Furry green turtle:

	<Name> shouts "there was a grassy knoll on the second gunman!" <It> stares blankly at <Name>, nonplussed. Or maybe plussed, you're not sure.

	<Name> dances around, pushing an imaginary lawnmower.

G

• Gasmask:

	<Name> shouts "run for your lives! The fishes are trying to gas us!" <It> looks terrified.

• Giant discarded bottlecap:

	<Name> throws the bottlecap like a giant frisbee, slicing it for X damage.

	<Name> does a wacky little dance, banging on the bottlecap for percussion. He looks a little dizzy afterward, but he looked a little dizzy before, too.

• Goat beard:

	<Name> impersonates a mountain goat, singing a little song about headstones climbing hills. <It> is too nonplussed to attack.

	<Name> leaps up like a nimble mountain goat, landing on <it> and doing X damage.

• Goofily-plumed helmet:

	<Name> shouts "I shall defend thy honor, fair windmill!" and jousts <it> for X damage.

• Grass hat:

	<Name> disguises himself as a piece of lawn until he gets close, then pops up and shouts "Boo!" He jumps and looks startled.

	<Name> sniffs the hat, says "this is some really quality grass, man," and grins widely.

• Green traffic cone:

	<Name> dances around singing "I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights," over and over, winking crazily.

• Grimacite gasmask:
• Grimacite goggles:

	<Name> pilots an imaginary Sopwith Camel, giving you a smile and a wink as he zooms past.

• Grungy bandana:

	<Name> finds his nest of salt and throws some at <it>, blinding <it>.

	<Name> sings a song about a black hole sun, whatever that is, and his mouth stretches into a creepy, overwide smile.

H

• Helmet turtle:

	<Name> says "turtle, turtle, turtle, I made you out of clay!" then laughs unsettlingly as he head-butts him for 2 damage.

I

• Ice pick:

	<Name> busts some phat disco moves, winking as he electric-slides past you.

• Indie comic hipster glasses:

	<Name> smiles a strange, crooked smile, looking a little like a homicidal maniac. He winks at you, and you see his pupils have gone square. That's never a good sign.

• Irate sombrero:

	<Name> tosses the sombrero over it, making it impossible for it to see you to attack.

	<Name> says "eso si, que es," and winks at you.

J

• Jewel-eyed wizard hat:

	<Name> shouts "I can see an elf! An elf with gray eyes!" as he begins casting Magic Missiles in random directions. Some of them hit your opponent, dealing X damage.

	<Name> shouts "YOU SHALL NOT PASS! GO! YOU SHALL NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED MEAT!" then giggles maniacally and drops you a wink.

K

• Kentucky-style derby:

	<Name> rears back and kicks him like a thoroughbred racehorse, dealing X damage. Thank goodness <Name> didn't do anything else like a racehorse.

• Knob Goblin elite helm:

	<Name> dances around in a circle, singing "O-WEE-OH, EEEYOOOOAAH" at the top of his lungs. In other news, hatracks have lungs.

• Knob Goblin harem veil:

	<Name> does a bewitching belly dance. <He> looks simultaneously confused and enticed.

	<Name> does the dance of the seven veils (minus 6), then drops you a saucy wink.

• Knob Goblin visor:

	<Name> tells him that he's going to audit his finances, and makes him wait while he makes sure everything adds up.

	<Name> says "wow, this is certainly a super visor!" and giggles. Man, he must be crazy to laugh at a pun that lame.

• Knobby helmet turtle:

	<He> tries to give <Name> a noogie, and seriously hurt themselves on his hat.

	<Name> rhythmically scrapes the knobs on the turtle and dances to the percussive beat he makes

• KoL Con 3-D Glasses:

	<Name> does a dance in eye-popping 3-D! Then he winks at you, after he pops his eye back in.

L

• Leather mask:

	<Name> says, "lick my boots, worm!" and smacks him with a riding crop for X damage.

	<Name> produces a set of restraints and locks them onto him. It's a little creepy.

• Lihc face:

	<Name> waves his arms and moans. It shudders and looks weaker.

	<Name> waves his arms and moans spookily, chasing him and scaring him for X damage.

• Linoleum helmet turtle:

	<Name> peels off the top layer of linoleum and lets her get a whiff of the glue that holds it on. She recoils and takes a stinky x damage.

	<Name> flips upside down and does a headspin on the linoleum helmet. He must have been confused about where the floor was.

• Longhaired hippy wig:

	As your opponent charges, <Name> steps forward and shouts "Casey Jones, you better watch your speed!" It stops in its tracks.

	<Name> says "dude, your chakras are, like, so misaligned," and re-aligns them for you.

You gain some hit points.

You gain some Mana Points.

M

• MAHI fez:

	<Name> offers it a glass sculpture full of sweet smoke, then gets it drunk and plays poker with it. It's too busy enjoying the hospitality to attack.

• Maiden wig:

	<Name> steps in front of you and curtsies coquettishly. <He> starts flirting with him rather than attacking.

• Makeshift turban:

	<Name> produces a lasso from somewhere and wraps it around him. "Look, I'm a turban cowboy!" he says.

	<Name> winks at you and says "would you like a Squishee? Stereotypes are funny!"

• Meat cowboy hat:

	<Name> shouts "yee-haw! Reckon I'm'a have to hog-tie you!" and wraps a rope around <it>, restraining <it> a little.

	<Name> says "I wish I knew how to quit you," and winks at you.

• Meatloaf helmet:

	<Name> gives her a big lingering hug, whispering "it's okay, you can cry." She cries a little, then looks embarrassed.

	<Name> sings a long, bombastic song about the things he wouldn't do for love, while playing some wicked air guitar.

• Meaty helmet turtle:

	<Name> headbutts <it> for a meaty X damage. It's a little messy.

	<Name> does a little shell-spinning breakdancing. Go hatrack, go hatrack, go!

• Mesh cap:

	<Name> shouts, "who says Nas'Kar ain't a real sport?" and punches them for X damage.

	<Name> says, "I don't care who you are, that's funny right thar," and gives a cornpone grin.

• Miner's helmet:

	<Name> mines for a couple of fish, then does the fish-slapping dance with them.

	<Name> shines the light on his helmet at him, blinding him. He looks dazed and confused.

• Mohawk wig:

	You rest while <Name> explains to you how the punk music you like isn't real punk.

	<name> steps in front of <it> and shouts "Oi! Oi! Oi!" <It> is too startled to attack this round.

• Mullet wig:

	<Name> steps in front of him and engages him in a rowdy argument about whether or not KWE wrestling is fake.

	<Name> Tog teaches you how to line dance. Your heart feels less achy and breaky when he's done.

You gain some hit points.

You gain some Mana Points.

• Mummy mask:

	<Name> wraps up him in some of the bandages from his mask. Bandages, bandages, bandages.

	<Name> walks like an Egyptian.

N

• Nasty rat mask:

	<Name> scampers in front of her. her climbs up on a chair and shrieks, terrified.

	<Name> bites her with his nasty rat teeth, doing X nasty damage.

References

• The filthy knitted dread sack message is a reference to Buffalo Springfield's hit "For What It's Worth".
• The fire message refers to Gremlins 2.
• The goofily-plumed helmet message refers to the famous windmill-jousting knight, Don Quixote, from the novel of the same name.
• The green traffic cone's message is a reference to Monty Python's song "I Like Traffic Lights".
• The grungy bandana message about the nest of salt refers to the Nirvana song "All Apologies".
• The grungy bandana message refers to the Soundgarden song "Black Hole Sun" which featured suburbanites with twisted expressions in its music video.
• The jewel-eyed wizard hat message is a reference to 8-Bit D&D, which parodies Dungeons & Dragons, a role-playing game, and 8-Bit Theater, an internet comic which parodies video-games and Dungeons & Dragons.
• The longhaired hippy wig "Casey Jones" message refers to the Grateful Dead song "Casey Jones".
• The makeshift turban's first message is a reference to the movie Urban Cowboy.
• The makeshift turban's second message is a reference to Apu from The Simpsons.
• The meaty helmet turtle message is a reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze wherein during a fight scene at a nightclub, Vanilla Ice breaks into his greatest rap ever shouting "Go ninja! Go ninja! Go ninja go!"
• This meaty helmet turtle message may also refer to a Campbell's Soup commercial which includes the line "Go meatball, go meatball, go."
• The meatloaf helmet "it's okay, you can cry" message refers to a line said by the singer/actor Meat Loaf's character Robert "Bob" Paulson in Fight Club: "Go ahead, Cornelius, you can cry."
• In addition, the second meatloaf helmet message deals with the typical song by Meat Loaf.
• The second mesh cap message refers to an oft-repeated line by the stand-up comic Larry the Cable Guy.
• The miner's helmet message is about mining for fish is a reference to the webcomic VGCats (specifically this strip, where it is given as an example of stereotypical stupid newbie behavior in MMORPGs). In addition, "The Fish-Slapping Dance" is a Monty Python sketch.
• The mummy mask messages refer to the Hot Hot Heat song "Bandages" and The Bangles song "Walk Like an Egyptian".

Mad Hatrack Hat Messages
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