Mad Hatrack Messages (F-N)

The Mad Hatrack familiar has different functions depending on what hats it wears.

F

• f3d0r4:

	<Name> points at it and makes a tommy-gun noise. Apparently the delusions are pretty powerful, because it takes X damage.

	<Name> says "you're the ring-a-ding kid," and drops you a wink.

• fancy ball mask:

	<Name> grabs <it> and waltzes with <it>, ending with a series of dizzying spins.

	<Name> grabs you and does the merengue with you. Sadly, that's the dance, not the pie topping.

• fancy tophat:

	<Name> dances in front of your opponent, rendering <it> blue and causing <it> to forget where to go to.

	Dressed up like a million dollar trouper, <Name> doffs his tophat at you jovially.

• festive holiday hat:

	<Name> hops back and forth from leg to leg, making the bell on his hat go jingle jangle jingle.

• fez of etymology:

	<Name> says "you should know that the word 'fez' was coined when someone asked what ridiculous hat the first fez-wearer was wearing, and the fez-wearer sneezed before he could answer," then winks knowingly.

• filthy knitted dread sack:

	<Name> says "stop, children, what's that sound?" <He> stops attacking to listen.

	<Name> smiles a blissed-out smile and says, "have a nice day, man."

• fire:

	<Name> says "Fire! Giver of warmth, destroyer of civilizations... my head is on fire!" and headbutts it for X damage.

	<Name> says "I'm such a hothead, aren't I?" and grins at his joke.

• fireman's helmet:

	"FIRE! FIRE!" shouts <Name>, as he throws ice at your opponent, dealing X damage.

• floaty rock helmet:

	<Name> hums a soothing mantra at you, making you feel like you've been hit by a mantra ray.

You gain some hit points.

You gain some Mana Points.

• foam commodore's hat:

	<Name> says"I fully attend to both master and commander you!" and punches it for %dmg[sic] damage.

• foolscap fool's cap:

	<Name> says "Prithee, good sir, how many monks doth it take to change a lightbulb? Wait, what's a lightbulb?" and laughs at his own joke.

• football helmet:

	<Name> shouts, "Blue 32! Blue 32!" then runs headlong at him, tackling him for X damage.

• Frosty's old silk hat:

	<Name> produces a snowball from somewhere, and giggles as it hurls it at your opponent, dealing X damage.

• funny paper hat:

	<Name> says, "good grief! These strips haven't been funny in years!" and smiles while tipping you a wink.

• furry green turtle:

	<Name> shouts "there was a grassy knoll on the second gunman!" <It> stares blankly at <Name>, nonplussed. Or maybe plussed, you're not sure.

	<Name> dances around, pushing an imaginary lawnmower.

• fuzzy busby:

	<Name> stands at attention and tries to look stoic, but also can't stop grinning.

• fuzzy earmuffs:

	<name> wiggles his earmuffs around, tickling himself and grinning.

• fuzzy montera:

	<Name> smiles and cackles with glee as he hops back and forth, dodging a bull only he can see.

G

• ganger bandana:

	<Name> rolls your opponent for some additional Meat. Who was it trying to get crazy with, anyway?

• gasmask:

	<Name> shouts "run for your lives! The fishes are trying to gas us!" <It> looks terrified.

• ghast iron Garibaldi:

	<Name> flaps around making ghastly and spooky moans, which climax in a ghast-iron headbutt for X damage.

	<Name> does a ghastly and ironic dance, swooping around and making ghostly moans.

• giant discarded bottlecap:

	<Name> throws the bottlecap like a giant frisbee, slicing it for X damage.

	<Name> does a wacky little dance, banging on the bottlecap for percussion. He looks a little dizzy afterward, but he looked a little dizzy before, too.

• goat beard:

	<Name> impersonates a mountain goat, singing a little song about headstones climbing hills. <It> is too nonplussed to attack.

	<Name> leaps up like a nimble mountain goat, landing on <it> and doing X damage.

• Goggles of Loathing:

	<Name> says, "where the hell's your god now!" <it> looks a little freaked out by your hatrack and his crazy googles.

Monster attack power reduced by X

Monster defense reduced by X

	<Name> says, "battlefield surgeons decide who lives and who dies. But they kept calling it murder when I did it," and grins a wicked grin.

• goofily-plumed helmet:

	<Name> shouts "I shall defend thy honor, fair windmill!" and jousts <it> for X damage.

• googly-ball hat:

	<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly balls. Man, I can hear you snickering. Cut it out.

• googly-heart hat:

	<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly hearts, making <it> weep and cry and cry and try to sleep.

• googly-star hat:

	<Name> pokes <it> in the eyes with its googly stars. My God. They're full of stars. And X damage.

• grass hat:

	<Name> disguises himself as a piece of lawn until he gets close, then pops up and shouts "Boo!" He jumps and looks startled.

	<Name> sniffs the hat, says "this is some really quality grass, man," and grins widely.

• Great Wolf's headband:

	<Name> shouts, "fire in the hole!" and fires a cruise missile at your opponent for X damage. Wow, where did he get that thing?

	<Name> says, "I'm the best around, and nothing's ever gonna keep me down," and grins at you.

• green traffic cone:

	<Name> dances around singing "I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights," over and over, winking crazily.

• Grimacite gasmask:

	<Name> stomps around to some industrial music only he can hear. You think you catch him winking at you under the gasmask, but you can't be sure.

• Grimacite goggles:

	<Name> pilots an imaginary Sopwith Camel, giving you a smile and a wink as he zooms past.

• grungy bandana:

	<Name> finds his nest of salt and throws some at <it>, blinding <it>.

	<Name> sings a song about a black hole sun, whatever that is, and his mouth stretches into a creepy, overwide smile.

• guard turtle shell:

	<Name> whips off the shell and flings it at <it>, hitting for X damage. Righteous! Righteous!

	<Name> bangs on the shell like a bongo drum, and dances an off-kilter jig while he does.

H

• hangman's hood:

	<Name> ties a noose from some nearby rope and strangles your opponent with it, his freaky hood making it a spooky X damage.

• hardened slime hat:

	<Name> breakdances for a bit, the routine ending in a dizzying headspin.

• Helm of the Scream Emperor:

	<Name> throws his head back and howls a blood-curdling scream, congealing his blood for X damage.

• helm of the white knight:

	<Name> whinnies, snorts, and charges <it> for X damage. There go you, but for your face.

	<Name> shouts, "all I know could be defaced by the facts in the life of me!" and grins loonily.

• helmet turtle:

	<Name> says "turtle, turtle, turtle, I made you out of clay!" then laughs unsettlingly as he head-butts <it> for X damage.

• Hodgman's porkpie hat:

	<Name> starts yelling about beeswax as he viciously pummels your opponent, dealing X damage.

	<Name> paces in circles muttering to itself.

• Hollandaise helmet:

	<Name> doesn't forget to enjoy the sauce helmet, nor does he forget to headbutt your opponent for X damage.

• honeycap:

	<Name> butts his head against your opponent and gets stuck to <it>, preventing <it> from attacking.

• hot daub bun:

	<Name> shouts "Hot headed, they said. Hot headed!? I'll show them!" as he shows your opponent X damage worth of hot headbutting.

I

• ice pick:

	<Name> busts some phat disco moves, winking as he electric-slides past you.

• indie comic hipster glasses:

	<Name> smiles a strange, crooked smile, looking a little like a homicidal maniac. He winks at you, and you see his pupils have gone square. That's never a good sign.

• insane tophat:

	<Name> beams from beneath the tophat. "At last!" he cries, "the hat that I was whittled to wear!" He winks at you and goes back to grinning like a lunatic.

• intimidating coiffure:

	<Name> says, "we belong dead. No, wait, just you." and pokes her with a burning torch for X damage.

	<Name> waltzes with her while singing, "Ahhh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you." She is too busy dancing to attack this round.

• insulting hat:

	(Message needed)

• invisible bag:

	<Name> does something, but you can't tell what it is.

• irate sombrero:

	<Name> tosses the sombrero over it, making it impossible for it to see you to attack.

	<Name> says "eso si, que es," and winks at you.

• ironic knit cap:

	<Name> strikes an ironically glamorous pose, ignoring the fact that he's totally in your opponent's way.

	<Name> manages to pull of the feat of looking completely disaffected while smiling.

J

• jewel-eyed wizard hat:

	<Name> shouts "I can see an elf! An elf with gray eyes!" as he begins casting Magic Missiles in random directions. Some of them hit your opponent, dealing X damage.

	<Name> shouts "YOU SHALL NOT PASS! GO! YOU SHALL NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED MEAT!" then giggles maniacally and drops you a wink.

K

• Kentucky-style derby:

	<Name> rears back and kicks him like a thoroughbred racehorse, dealing X damage. Thank goodness <Name> didn't do anything else like a racehorse.

• Knob Goblin elite helm:

	<Name> dances around in a circle, singing "O-WEE-OH, EEEYOOOOAAH" at the top of his lungs. In other news, hatracks have lungs.

• Knob Goblin harem veil:

	<Name> does a bewitching belly dance. <He> looks simultaneously confused and enticed.

	<Name> does the dance of the seven veils (minus 6), then drops you a saucy wink.

• Knob Goblin visor:

	<Name> tells him that he's going to audit his finances, and makes him wait while he makes sure everything adds up.

	<Name> says "wow, this is certainly a super visor!" and giggles. Man, he must be crazy to laugh at a pun that lame.

• knobby helmet turtle:

	<He> tries to give <Name> a noogie, and seriously hurt themselves on his hat.

	<Name> rhythmically scrapes the knobs on the turtle and dances to the percussive beat he makes

• KoL Con 3-D Glasses:

	<Name> does a dance in eye-popping 3-D! Then he winks at you, after he pops his eye back in.

L

• leather aviator's cap:

	<Name> runs around in circles making Vrooooooooom, rat-tat-tat-tat-tat noises, and somehow manages to deal X damage in the process.

• leather mask:

	<Name> says, "lick my boots, worm!" and smacks him with a riding crop for X damage.

	<Name> produces a set of restraints and locks them onto him. It's a little creepy.

• Lens of Hatred:

	<Name> says, "I hate you. You and your stupid butt face!" He looks a little demoralized by the insult. Monster attack power reduced by X Monster defense reduced by X

	<Name> says, "My hatred for you burns as bright, sir, as this torch!" produces a lit torch, and sears him for X damage.

• Lens of Violence:

	<Name> shouts, "are you ready for a little bit of the ol' ultraviolence?" It looks decidedly unready, and even less ready than it was before. Monster attack power reduced by X Monster defense reduced by X

	<Name> does something so incredibly violent that I can't even tell you what it was, only that it did X damage and is illegal in most of the Kingdom.

• lihc face:

	<Name> waves his arms and moans. It shudders and looks weaker.

	<Name> waves his arms and moans spookily, chasing him and scaring him for X damage.

• linoleum helmet turtle:

	<Name> peels off the top layer of linoleum and lets her get a whiff of the glue that holds it on. She recoils and takes a stinky x damage.

	<Name> flips upside down and does a headspin on the linoleum helmet. He must have been confused about where the floor was.

• longhaired hippy wig:

	As your opponent charges, <Name> steps forward and shouts "Casey Jones, you better watch your speed!" It stops in its tracks.

	<Name> says "dude, your chakras are, like, so misaligned," and re-aligns them for you.

You gain some hit points.

You gain some Mana Points.

M

• MAHI fez:

	<Name> offers it a glass sculpture full of sweet smoke, then gets it drunk and plays poker with it. It's too busy enjoying the hospitality to attack.

	<Name> cranks some interesting lounge music, toasts you, and winks lustily. He clearly groks you in fullness.

• maiden wig:

	<Name> steps in front of you and curtsies coquettishly. <He> starts flirting with him rather than attacking.

• makeshift turban:

	<Name> produces a lasso from somewhere and wraps it around him. "Look, I'm a turban cowboy!" he says.

	<Name> winks at you and says "would you like a Squishee? Stereotypes are funny!"

• makeshift yakuza mask:

	<Name> yells something incomprehensible at your opponent and charges, dealing 5 with his rhinoc-- I mean, yak horns.

• mariachi hat:

	<Name> dances in circles around your opponent, then smacks it for X damage. Olé!

• Mark I Steam-Hat: (also Mark II and III)

	<Name> winks at you and says, "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo!"

• Mayor Ghost's toupee:

	<Name> sneaks up behind your opponent and shouts, "BOO!", scaring him for X damage.

	<Name> floats around, convinced he's a spooooky ghooooost. He's not, but he does block your opponent from attacking.

• meat cowboy hat:

	<Name> shouts "yee-haw! Reckon I'm'a have to hog-tie you!" and wraps a rope around <it>, restraining <it> a little.

	<Name> says "I wish I knew how to quit you," and winks at you.

• meatloaf helmet:

	<Name> gives her a big lingering hug, whispering "it's okay, you can cry." She cries a little, then looks embarrassed.

	<Name> sings a long, bombastic song about the things he wouldn't do for love, while playing some wicked air guitar.

• meaty helmet turtle:

	<Name> headbutts <it> for a meaty X damage. It's a little messy.

	<Name> does a little shell-spinning breakdancing. Go hatrack, go hatrack, go!

• Mer-kin bunwig:

	<Name> smiles warmly and affixes a gold star sticker to your cheek.

• Mer-kin gladiator mask:

	<Name> Lampshade roars like a lion and kicks dirt in your foe's like a lamb. Monster attack power reduced by X Monster defense reduced by X

• Mer-kin headguard:

	<Name> howls like a madman (appropriately enough) and repeatedly headbutts your foe, dealing %dmg damage.

• Mer-kin scholar mask:

	<Name> whispers even crazier secrets than usual to your foe. It blanches, chilled for X damage.

• Mer-kin sneakmask:

	<Name> sneaks up behind it and delivers a series of painful kicks to its shin.

	<Name> does a strange, furtive, shuffling dance.

• mesh cap:

	<Name> shouts, "who says Nas'Kar ain't a real sport?" and punches them for X damage.

	<Name> says, "I don't care who you are, that's funny right thar," and gives a cornpone grin.

• metallic foil cat ears:

	<Name> slashes it with a clawlike foot, dealing X damage and inflicting X painful splinters.

• miner's helmet:

	<Name> mines for a couple of fish, then does the fish-slapping dance with them.

	<Name> shines the light on his helmet at him, blinding him. He looks dazed and confused.

• Mohawk wig:

	You rest while <Name> explains to you how the punk music you like isn't real punk.

	<name> steps in front of <it> and shouts "Oi! Oi! Oi!" <It> is too startled to attack this round.

• Moonthril Circlet:

	<Name> says, "You have my bow," and bows deeply, smiling at his pun which only works in written speech, not spoken.

• moist sailor's cap:

	<Name> wreathes your opponent in rotting seaweed, dealing X damage.

• muddy pirate hat:

	<Name> does a rousing little pirate jig.

• mullet wig:

	<Name> steps in front of him and engages him in a rowdy argument about whether or not KWE wrestling is fake.

	<Name> teaches you how to line dance. Your heart feels less achy and breaky when he's done.

You gain some hit points.

You gain some Mana Points.

• mummy costume:

	<Name> marches around the area very, very slowly.

• mummy mask:

	<Name> wraps up him in some of the bandages from his mask. Bandages, bandages, bandages.

	<Name> walks like an Egyptian.

N

• nasty rat mask:

	<Name> scampers in front of <her>. <She> climbs up on a chair and shrieks, terrified.

	<Name> bites her with his nasty rat teeth, doing X nasty damage.

• nurse's hat:

	<Name> pulls out a syringe and giggles as he injects your opponent full of X damage worth of pain.

References

• The filthy knitted dread sack message is a reference to Buffalo Springfield's hit "For What It's Worth".
• The fire message refers to Gremlins 2.
• The foam commodore's hat refers to Master and Commander, a historical naval novel.
• The goofily-plumed helmet message refers to the famous windmill-jousting knight, Don Quixote, from the novel of the same name.
• The green traffic cone's message is a reference to Monty Python's song "I Like Traffic Lights".
• The grungy bandana message about the nest of salt refers to the Nirvana song "All Apologies".
• The grungy bandana message refers to the Soundgarden song "Black Hole Sun" which featured suburbanites with twisted expressions in its music video.
• The Helm of the white knight's message refers to the They Might Be Giants song "Chess Piece Face."
• The irate sombrero's post-combat message may refer to an old joke about a Mexican tourist trying to buy socks in an American department store ("Eso si que es" means "That's it" in Spanish, but also sounds like someone spelling the word "socks", "S-O-C-K-S").
• The Knob Goblin elite helm message refers to the song sung by the Wicked Witch's guards in The Wizard of Oz.
• The jewel-eyed wizard hat message about an elf with grey eyes is a reference to the "Dungeons & Dragons" sketch by the Dead Alewives.
• The jewel-eyed wizard hat's second message refers to both Gandalf's confrontation with the Balrog in The Fellowship of the Ring and the board game Monopoly, where players may be instructed to "Go directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200".
• The longhaired hippy wig "Casey Jones" message refers to the Grateful Dead song "Casey Jones".
• The MAHI fez's second message is a reference to Robert A. Heinlein's novel Stranger in a Stranger Land.
• The makeshift turban's first message is a reference to the movie Urban Cowboy.
• The makeshift turban's second message is a reference to Apu from The Simpsons.
• The meaty helmet turtle message is a reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze wherein during a fight scene at a nightclub, Vanilla Ice breaks into the infamous "Ninja Rap", which features the refrain "Go ninja! Go ninja! Go ninja go!"
• The meatloaf helmet "it's okay, you can cry" message refers to a line said by the singer/actor Meat Loaf's character Robert "Bob" Paulson in Fight Club: "Go ahead, Cornelius, you can cry."
• In addition, the second meatloaf helmet message deals with the ubiquitous Meat Loaf song "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)".
• The second mesh cap message refers to an oft-repeated line by the stand-up comic Larry the Cable Guy.
• The miner's helmet message about mining for fish is a reference to a Runescape meme (as seen in this strip from VGCats). In addition, "The Fish-Slapping Dance" is a Monty Python sketch.
• The mummy mask messages refer to the Hot Hot Heat song "Bandages" and The Bangles song "Walk Like an Egyptian".
• The googly-star hat's message is a reference to "My god, it's full of stars!", Dave Bowman's final words in Arthur C. Clarke's novel 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Mad Hatrack Hat Messages
A-E	F-N	O-Z