Monster Manuel (H)

There are 29 creatures filed under H.

Monster Manuel Entries

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other

		0		hamsterpus Hamsterpus sushi is considered a rare delicacy in some parts of the world. The majority of the expense comes from the difficulty in getting all the little bones out. When particularly frightened, hamsterpi wish they could squirt black ink into their enemies' eyes. On no account should you allow a hamsterpus to get near any of your orifices, or you may end up in an internet video.
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		0

		17		handsome mariachi The first mariachi was a samurai who went by the name Merry Hachi. Though handsome mariachis pack a lot of hidden firepower, their most powerful weapon is their razor-sharp good looks. Handsome mariachis are so vain that every song they play is about them.
		15
		15

		144		Hank North, Photojournalist Hank North is a freelance reporter, largely because no newspaper will hire him. Hank can create a truly impressive array of weapons, none of which are durable enough to be useful. Hank would be a zombie's worst enemy, if he wasn't constantly dashing off on stupid side quests or fighting other humans.
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		24		haunted soup tureen Tureen is not only the name of the dish, but the onomatopoeia for the sound it makes bouncing off a skull. Chicken soup is good for the soul, but turtle soup is good for the complexion. It's perfectly acceptable to lift your bowl and drink the last of your soup, so long as you keep the slurping to a minimum. "Keep the slurping to a minimum" is a pretty good overall rule of etiquette, actually.
		21
		21

		175		heat seal The skins of flaming hellseals are particularly prized by the Frigid Northlanders, as they retain their heat for as much as a year after skinning. (They do require a fortnight's cooling-off period before they're suitable for wearing though.) Flaming hellseals are only found in the rocky mountainous parts of the Frigin[sic] Northlands, because if they enter the lowlands they melt straight through the icebergs and drown. Flaming hellseals eat a lot of charcoal, but not because they need it to fuel their powers or anything. They just like the flavor.
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		180		Heavy Kegtank The kegtank could hold over 50 gallons of beer when it was full, which it wasn't for very long. The kegtank's treads are made out of glued-together, unread textbooks. The kegtank can fire both cans of beer and sprays of beer, but in both cases it's crappy beer.
		162
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		115		Heimandatz, Nacho Golem Many Saucerors have theorized that Heimandatz's "cheez" is actually a form of petroleum distillate, but none have managed to acquire a sample of it for testing. The true nature of Heimandatz's chips is currently unknown. One Sauceror suggested it might be a form of higher-dimensional corn, which he called "corm". He received a lot of strange looks and, embarrassed, he never brought it up again.
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		52		Hellion Attempts to make powerful bombs by splitting hellions have largely failed, due to the inability to get the hellion to sit still for the chisel. Ancient architects frequently based their designs on proportions evidenced by superlarge atoms such as the hellion, and ionic columns can still be seen in classical architecture today. Alchemists have experimented with turning hellions into gold, but none of them have been successful. Farscien of Agrilla managed to turn one into a corned-beef sandwich, though.
		46
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		160		hellseal guardian If a hellseal guardian ever asks if you read the Ancient Scrolls, because there's a passage he has memorized, RUN. A hellseal guardian's claws aren't made of bone or hair; they're actually dense deposits of mucus. Most hellseal guardians have had their nose broken so many times they can no longer balance a beach ball. They can manage a sack full of baseballs, though.
		144
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		85		hellseal pup Hellseals are born with all the pointy serrated teeth they'll ever need. I invite you to try not to imagine what a mother seal's nipples look like. It's said that rubbing a hellseal pup's belly will bring you good luck. Well, to be more precise, it's said that rubbing a hellseal pup's belly and still having a hand afterward is a sign of good luck. Hellseal pups have three extra stomachs, which they use to process nutrients for growing to their adult size very quickly. The extra stomachs are jettisonned afterwards, when they are no longer needed.
		76
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		39		Herman East, Relivinator Herman East's re-livination serum is 50% sugar and 50% the stuff that's in glowsticks. Dr. East's scientific method is less "Observation, Hypothesis, Test," and more "Kill something, try to un-kill it." Dr. East isn't a real doctor. He's actually a dental hygienist with delusions of grandeur.
		39
		52

		110		hermetic seal Back in the hermetic seal's day, adventurers had some respect and didn't just attack you all willy-nilly. The hermetic seal was quite the female seals' man back in his day, I'll tell you what. 23 Skidoo, if you know what I mean. The hermetic seal has a perfect-fitting set of dentures, which really makes you wonder who the seal dentist is.
		180
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		110		high priest of Ki'rhuss To become a high priest, one must have a bloodlust and fanatical devotion, but also good networking skills and must type at least 80 words per minute. The high priests of Ki'rhuss have the ability to curse water, turning it into highly intoxicating "Unholy Water." They're very popular at parties, at least until they start sacrificing people. Most of the sacrificial victims of Ki'rhuss are female, probably because the high priests didn't get hugged enough as kids.
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		145		Higher Plane Serpents Astral serpents are sometimes used as part of a rather juvenile prank played by bored deities, who put them in fake cans of manna to shock unsuspecting mortals. Astral serpents aren't venomous exactly, but getting bit by one is pretty bad for your karma. Astral serpents and astral badgers are not on the best of terms. The badgers, for their part, don't give a... damn.
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		350		Hobelf The job opportunities for elves are unfortunately scarce. After all, Crimbo only comes once a year, and only so many elves can be usefully employed in that cookie-baking tree. Not all Hobelves are doomed to a life of misery. History shows that three such elves, with nothing to eat but rice scavenged from weddings, and nothing to cook it with but a burning oil drum, invented one of the world's most well-known breakfast cereals. Why are so many Crimbo elves out of work? Well, let me put it this way: have you ever played a video game programmed by an elf? "Happy Soldier Best Friends" was not exactly a critical success.
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		30		Hobelf The proper plural is Hobelfs, not Hobelves. Or maybe that's the other way around. Sorry. Hobelves is definitely right. Tolkien never said that elves have pointy ears.
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		750		Hodgman, The Hoboverlord Hodgman's beard is so matted and filthy it actually has a +4 armor rating. Hodgman's pants are too thoroughly bonded with his body to be recovered after a fight. Hodgman's favorite color is chlorine and his favorite food is apathy.
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		25000

		152		Honey Pot Since there are no such things as giant celestial bees (trust me on this one), where does the honey come from? The answer would certainly surprise you! Honey has antibacterial properties, which is good, because can you imagine giant celestial bacteria? That would be terrifying! The main component of celestial honey is superheated hydrogen, and consequently, it isn't very good on a peanut-butter sandwich.
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		165		Hooded Warrior Some Astronomers speculate that the Hooded Warrior is a depiction of Boris himself, with the hood covering the horns on his hat. Don't laugh at the Hooded Warrior's tiny sword. It's not the size of the weapon, it's the jabbing of the stabbing. The hooded warrior's cloak contains the Ketchup Stain Nebula, even though he put soda water on it right after it happened, dang it.
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		20		hostile amoeba There is a species of amoeba in some lakes that swims straight up your nose and eats your brain. I wish I was kidding. Amoeba reproduce asexually, just like your mom. Amoeba move by extruding pseudopods, a word that always looks like it's spelled wrong.
		22
		20

		350		Hot hobo Probably the most famous of fire-type hoboes was Ol' Abe "Acetylene" Wallace, whose hit song "Yer Darn Tootin' I'm On Fire (Oh Wait Did You Mean Literally)" held the #2 spot on the Top 40 lists for over 30 consecutive weeks. A fire-type hobo is a welcome sight at hobo camps, since if there are no metal trash barrels available, you can boil your coffee in his hat. Some people believe hoboes develop fire resistance by drinking sterno and lighter fluid. In fact, it is an ability that the species evolved over many thousands of generations.
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		73		huge ghuol The hugest ghuol on record weighed more than 1000 pounds, and lived in a cemetery behind the Loathing Center For the Study of the Morbidly Obese. Many necromancers keep a few ghuols around as a convenient way to strip corpses of their flesh before raising them, because skeletons are much cooler than zombies. The old tales about ghuols converting humans by belching in their faces are untrue... but trust me, you don't want it to happen anyway.
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		0		Hugo Von Douchington How did he die, this offensive young chap? Someone got tired of all of his crap. At Hugo's funeral, the guys he called friends drew dicks on his face with indelible pens. Every year, pilgrims line up to pee on his grave. What's this story's moral? That's right: Burma Shave.
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		0

		500		hulking construct The hulking construct enjoys a heaping bowl of plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning. Hulking constructs are much more fun than constructed hulks. Not all hulking constructs are murderous. Some of them are just really technologically advanced espresso machines.
		450
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		500		hulking construct The hulking construct enjoys a plain mayonnaise sandwich on white bread with a glass of water for dippin'. Hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk hulk. See how weird that word is? Hulking constructs draw on hulking construction paper. Sorry, that's all I've got.
		450
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		1		hung-over half-orc hobo The only difference between a regular half-orc hobo and a hung-over one is time. About thirty seconds, considering what they tend to drink. It's hard to say what the other half of a half-orc is likely to be, because orcs are known for banging just about anything on two legs. Half-orc hoboes aren't permitted in Hobopolis, because they're half-orcs, and also aren't invited to frat parties, because they're half... something else. This goes a long way to explaining their rampant alcoholism, and general irritability.
		0
		1

		95		hunting seal The hunting seal's peculiar camouflage pattern is the result of it having evolved in a dalmation[sic]?-rich environment. Yes, hunting seals used to be raised by the Fire Department of Loathing as mascots, until they found the seals started more fires than they extinguished. A hapless Seal Clubber once mistook a hunting seal for a cow. He got two things that day: No milk, and killed.
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		25		hustled spectre Three of the last twelve national billiards championships were won by ghosts. They were eventually banned for shrieking at the living players, and being unable to lift the trophy. It takes a lot of time and energy for an incorporeal spirit to attune a physical object (such as a billiard ball) to its spiritual vibrations, and this can be ruined by contact with a living human. So, never ask a spectre if you can touch his balls. British hustled spectres are a much more difficult opponent, no matter how many times you watch that cartoon where the talking duck learns about math.
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		8		hypodermic bugbear You really don't want to know where the other end of that needle-arm is anchored. Okay, I'll tell you. Bugbears have a tiny prehensile nub of a tail, and that's where the needle-arm is anchored. Bugbear blood is blue-black blood. Say that out loud three times fast, I dare ya.
		7
		8

Notes

• The third hustled spectre entry refers to this.