Naughty Sorceress

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Entrance The Three Gates The Perplexing Door The Stone Mariachis The Hedge Maze Tower The Tower Monsters The Heavy and Light Doors The Shadow Defeating The Naughty Sorceress

The Naughty Sorceress
Monster ID	243
Locations	The Naughty Sorceress' Tower
Hit Points	400
Attack	190
Defense	211
No-Hit	200
Initiative	∞
Meat	None
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	arm, head, leg, torso
Drops	None
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting The Naughty Sorceress

You burst into the final room in the Naughty Sorceress' lair. There, sitting on a huge black throne on a huge black dais, is the Sorceress Herself.

Nothing could have prepared you for how evilly seductive and seductively evil she is. Even though she appears to have bought her wardrobe from Warm Subject -- black leather corset, black leather dress, black leather crown in her long black (not leather) hair, she is a vision of pure malevolent naughtiness.

"Congratulations, adventurer," she says. "You finally made it to me. Now you may know the truth."

"The truth?" You say. "I can't handle the truth! You're the cause of all of this! The monsters, the quests, the bad puns... you did it all! You're so...so...naughty!"

The Sorceress shrugs. "I may be bad," she says, "But I feel gooood. Now, are you sure you really want to fight me? Do you really want to hurt me? <Player Name>... I am your mother!"

"No... it's not true! It's impossible!" You shout.

"Search your feelings... you know it to be true," she says.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" you shout, raising your arms to the sky.

The sorceress cackles. "Well, that was over the top. And I'm not really your mother, stupid. Geez, I could tell you that all your fighting power comes from some lame micro-organism in your bloodstream and you'd believe it. Come up here on the dais and I'll rock you like a hurricane."

"On the dais? On the dais? Rock me on the dais?" You say, enraged. "That's it. Call me the bus driver, because I'm taking you to school." You leap up on the dais for the final battle.

Hit Message(s):

She rends the very fabric of reality, with a noise like the unzipping of the fly of God Almighty. She then gets banned from several school libraries. Argh! Eek!

She conjures up an army of naughty little imps, who proceed to impress, impale, and imprint you. Ouch! Oof!

She whips you with her long, black hair. You see a long, black veil comin' down. Ugh! Ugh!

She rocks you on the dais, as promised. It doesn't feel too wun-wun-wunderbar. Ooh! Ooh!

She plants one of her big, leather boots square in your <skull>. Ooh! Ouch!

She throws whatever those two disembodied-paisley-looking-things are at you. Turns out, whatever they are, they sting like the dickens. Argh! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

She tries to rend the very fabric of reality, but succeeds only in ripping her dress.

She waves her wand at you and nothing happens. You suggest she wait a half hour and try again.

She tries to cut off your hand, but you grab a handy rope and swing out of the way.

She tries to kick you with her big, leather boots, but you take the leather from her and give her some lace.

She tries to rock you on the dais, but her German isn't good enough.

She tosses her two rotating, disembodied paisleys at you, but you quickly eat them.

---

After Combat

• Dispel all effects on you (at the start of combat):

The Sorceress points at you and a beam of very sticky light bursts out of her finger. It strikes you and you suddenly feel very, very normal.

• Familiar debuff (at the start of combat):

She points at [Familiar name] and mutters a curse. [Familiar name] whimpers.

• Skill block (X chance^*):

You prepare to use that skill, but when you look up again, the Sorceress is gone.

"Back here," she says from behind you. You're so startled that you forget what you were doing.

As you attempt to use that skill, the Sorceress points at you and mutters a spell. You're suddenly turned upside down, and you forget what you were about to do in the confusion.

Just as you're about to use that skill, the Sorceress suddenly throws you off by blowing you a kiss. You blush, say "Aww, shucks," and forget to complete your action.

• Item block (X chance^*):

As you pull the (item) out of your pocket, the Sorceress says "Hey, what's that over there?" and points behind you.

You turn around to look, and while you're distracted, she grabs the item from you and throws it off the edge of the tower.

You can't believe you fell for that.

You start to use the <item>, but the Sorceress cackles so evilly that you fumble and drop it. Nasty cackle, man.

The Sorceress grabs the <item> out of your hands before you can use it. "Nice try, slick," she cackles.

• Moxious Maneuver block (X chance^*):

You try to land a low blow against the Sorceress, but she outlows you. Or maybe underhighs you. Anyway, dirty tricks don't work so well when your opponent is a thousand times dirtier than you.

You try to pull a sneaky attack on the Sorceress, but she proves one sneakier by conjuring a clone of herself that sneaks up behind you while you're sneaking up behind her.

Very distracting.

You try to trip the Sorceress and embarrass her, but something gets in the way, because she, like a fish, doesn't have any feelings.

Hmm. Hmm.

• MP drain (X chance^*):

The Sorceress points at you and a beam of blue light shoots out of her middle finger. "Thanks for the pick-me-up," she says, as you feel energy drain from your body.

You lose 12−15 Mana Points.

• Heal (X chance^*):

The Sorceress pulls a tiny red vial out of the folds of her dress and quickly drinks it. "Ahhhhhh," she says, "much better..."

• Restore Monster Level:

The Sorceress pauses for a moment, mutters some words under her breath, and straightens out her dress. Her skin seems to shimmer for a moment.

• After 50 rounds of combat with no winner:

The Sorceress suddenly steps back and begins laughing.

"Is this the best you can do? Come back when you can actually put up a fight, instead of just wasting my time!"

With a flick of the Sorceress' finger, you're knocked back down the stairs of the tower.

You lose. You slink away, dejected and defeated.

• When you defeat her first form (proceed to second form):

You win the fight!

The Sorceress falls to her knees as the final blow lands.

"Graaaaaah!" she cries. "Seriously."

A cloud of black mist begins to gather about her as she writhes on the floor...

Uh oh.

---

Occurs in The Sorceress' Chamber

Notes

• Defeating the Naughty Sorceress represents the final stages of infiltrating The Lair of The Naughty Sorceress; you may want to possess a Wand of Nagamar if this is your goal. See the quest page for more spoilerific strategy.
• Before NS13, she scaled to your stats (her Attack to your Moxie, her Defence to your Muscle). The first form was, in each case, "your stats +3": the second form was, initially, "your stats +6" for an unascended character, rising to "your stats +9" after some ascensions (possibly three, to go with the Familiar-Debuffing action.) Her damage per attack, of course, scaled with her Power (and thus with the character's Moxie), making it dangerous to go against her with higher Moxie and low HP. However, since NS13 was implemented on 25th July 2007, her Power and Defence are fixed values for all three forms.
• Likewise, her "shimmering" -- restoring her Power and Defence back to their original level -- could occur, under NS11, on any combat round in which her stats were reduced to lower than yours (her Power to below your Moxie, or her Defence to below your Muscle), in addition to other actions: but would never occur if they were exactly equal to your stats, or higher. Again, since NS13, this has been changed, and her "safe delevelling point" -- the amount to which you can delevel her without the danger of her shimmering -- is a fixed distance below her stats, rather than dependent on yours.
• If she is below her "safe delevelling point", shimmering has a high but not guaranteed chance of happening, and may happen even if she is otherwise prevented from acting that round (see below). It does not happen instead of another action: if it happens on its own, it's because the delevelling attack prevented her making another action that round.
• Sometimes, she can appear to do absolutely nothing on a combat round. This may appear to happen more if she's defeated you several times: in fact, it's most likely because you are using delevelling-type skills or combat items (and succeeding in using them more often), which have a chance of preventing their target acting. (This observation was made most often by people funkslinging plot holes, under NS11, when this was a common strategy used by softcore out-of-ronin players, and is still noticed nowadays by people with large stacks of delevel and stun items.)
• If you get Beaten Up by her, you can get either 3 or 4 adventures of it, depending on whether you get defeated by the first or second form, respectively.
• Sometimes, if you get Beaten Up by her on the first round of her second form, there is no "You lose. You slink away, dejected and defeated." This seems to happen when she gets the jump on you, and hits first.
• The first form consumes an adventure upon completion of combat against her. If you entered combat with one adventure left, you may continue with the second and third forms even though you have zero adventures remaining.
• You don't get stats for defeating her first or second form -- you need to defeat her completely to get stats. However, your familiar will receive a kill for each form beaten.
• If you take too long to beat her, you lose the fight. However you do not lose any additional HP and do not receive the Beaten Up effect when this happens.
• If you defeat the Sorceress in her first form but lose to her in her second or third form, you will have to face her again, starting from her first form.
• The "Debuff Familiar" action makes your familiars act as if they weigh less than they actually do. For your first three ascensions they act at 75% buffed weight, and for every subsequent ascension they act at 50% buffed weight. In either case, familiar weight is rounded down to a minimum of 0 pounds.
• Before NS13, she removed all non-intrinsic effects from you, including buffs, and negative status effects such as Beaten Up.
• Currently, she removes all beneficial buffs and status effects, but does not remove intrinsic effects and at least some negative status effects, including Beaten Up, Goofball Withdrawal, and Tetanus.

Stats

• About 416 HP.
• Healing restores roughly 100 HP.
• Can heal herself to have more HP than she started with (e.g., if her first action is to heal herself instead of attacking you, she will go from her initial 416 HP up to 516 HP).

References

• The three different forms of the Naughty Sorceress may be a reference to Capcom's Resident Evil Code: Veronica. The final boss, Alexia, appears in three similar forms: one humanoid, one blob-like, and one that flies and can only be defeated by a special weapon.
• "The truth? I can't handle the truth" is a play on the famous line "You can't handle the truth!" from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men.
• "I may be bad, but I feel gooood" is a quote from the 1993 movie Army of Darkness.
• "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" is a song by 1980s pop group Culture Club.
• The Naughty Sorceress claiming to be your mother is a play on a scene between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker in the 1980 movie The Empire Strikes Back, where Vader famously informs Luke, "I am your father."
  • The miss message about cutting off your hand is also a reference to the famous scene between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.
• The Sorceress's line "I could tell you that all your fighting power comes from some lame micro-organism in your bloodstream and you'd believe it" is an obvious jab at the midi-chlorians from the Star Wars universe.
• "I'll rock you like a hurricane" refers to the song "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by The Scorpions.
• The line about "unzipping the fly of God Almighty" is a reference to a line from the Kurt Vonnegut book Slaughterhouse-Five. This line was one of many reasons this book was banned by several public libraries.
• The miss message "She waves her wand at you and nothing happens. You suggest she wait a half hour and try again," may be a reference to the sexual refractory period.
• The line about "take the leather from her and give her some lace" refers to the Stevie Nicks song "Leather and Lace," in particular the lines "Give to me your leather / Take from me my lace."
• "On the dais? On the dais? Rock me on the dais?" refers to "Rock Me Amadeus" by Austrian artist Falco. The "wunderbar" hit and miss messages seemingly refer to the song's German lyrics, while the word itself (meaning "wonderful") is not actually contained in that song.
• The "wun-wun-derbar" hit and miss messages can also be equally related to the German industrial metal group Rammstein, who use the exact enunciation present in the text, within their song Amerika.
• "You see a long, black veil comin' down" is an amalgam of two country songs made popular by Johnny Cash, "The Long, Black Veil" and "Sunday Morning Comin' Down."
• "You try to trip the Sorceress and embarrass her, but something gets in the way, because she, like a fish, doesn't have any feelings. Hmm. Hmm." This refers to the Nirvana song "Something in the Way," which contains the line "It's okay to eat fish 'cause they don't have any feelings." The chorus of this song is simply repetitions of the line "Something in the way, hmm, hmm."
• "She tosses her two rotating, disembodied paisleys at you, but you quickly eat them" is a reference to the Dead Milkmen and their second album, Eat Your Paisley.
• "Even though she appears to have bought her wardrobe from Warm Subject" refers to the clothing and accessories store Hot Topic.