Sabre-toothed goat

He bites you with his sabre teeth. You feel the urge to visit the theatre, and maybe see a spectre. Eek! Argh!

He gores you with his sharp horns and his sabre-teeth simultaneously. It's like being attacked by some minotaur-vampire hybrid. Eek! Ow! Ooh! Oof! Ugh!

He gnashes his sabre teeth at you and butts you in the head. And heads you in the butt. Ooh! Ugh! Ugh!

He does a little sabre-dance, goathandling you with his sharp hooves. Ugh! Ouch! Oof! Argh! Ouch!

He leaps high in the air onto the rocks above you, then dive-bombs you with sabre-teeth extended. He lodges them deep in your skull, which kind of itches, and scratches you with his goatee, which hurts like hell. Wait, reverse those effects. Ugh! Ow! Eek!

He tries to bite you with his sabre teeth, but gets his lower lip instead.

He tries to gore you with his horns, but gets a tooth trapped in the ground and trips. He should really be careful of those trip-traps.

He gnashes his sabre teeth at you. You give him a toothbrush and some toothpaste, which you didn't know you had and is now gone.

He tries to sabre-dance on you, but it's hard to dance on one's teeth.

He starts to trash-talk you, which is unusual for a goat. It doesn't really upset you, though, because he "tawks wike diff." Thank goodness for speech impediments! You laugh until you're sure you've gotten the goat's goat.

You gain 44−71 Meat (average: 55.7, stdev: 5.0)*

You acquire an item: goat beard (2.9% chance)*

You acquire an item: sabre teeth (4.9% chance)*

You gain 13 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Goatlet.

References

• The bit about "tomato juice" is probably a reference to the lyrics of "I've Got a Fang", by They Might Be Giants: "Glistening white triangular tooth / Open up a can of tomato juice".
• The reference to "visit the theatre" and "see a spectre" is probably a complaint about differences between American English (saber, specter, theater) and international English (sabre, spectre, theatre).
• The bit about the "toothbrush and some toothpaste" may be a reference to "My Father's Dragon" in which the main character gives a rhino a toothbrush and toothpaste to avoid being gored.
• "Trip-trap" is a reference to the traditional fairy tale Three Billy Goats Gruff, in which the bridge makes the sound "trip-trap" as the goats' hooves cross it.
• The Sabre Dance is a rather famous piece of orchestral music, noted for its high tempo and energy, and is commonly used in popular media to convey a sense of excitement.
• The "Wait, reverse those" line could be a reference to the movie Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, when Wonka says "So much time so little to do. Wait, strike that. Reverse it."