The Mad Hatrack familiar has different functions depending on what hats it wears.
F
<Name> points at it and makes a tommy-gun noise. Apparently the delusions are pretty powerful, because it takes X damage.
<Name> says "you're the ring-a-ding kid," and drops you a wink.
<Name> grabs <it> and waltzes with <it>, ending with a series of dizzying spins.
<Name> grabs you and does the merengue with you. Sadly, that's the dance, not the pie topping.
<Name> says "you should know that the word 'fez' was coined when someone asked what ridiculous hat the first fez-wearer was wearing, and the fez-wearer sneezed before he could answer," then winks knowingly.
<Name> says "stop, children, what's that sound?" <He> stops attacking to listen.
<Name> smiles a blissed-out smile and says, "have a nice day, man."
<Name> says "Fire! Giver of warmth, destroyer of civilizations... my head is on fire!" and headbutts it for X
<Name> says "I'm such a hothead, aren't I?" and grins at his joke.
<Name> says "Prithee, good sir, how many monks doth it take to change a lightbulb? Wait, what's a lightbulb?" and laughs at his own joke.
<Name> shouts, "Blue 32! Blue 32!" then runs headlong at him, tackling him for X damage.
<Name> shouts "there was a grassy knoll on the second gunman!" <It> stares blankly at <Name>, nonplussed. Or maybe plussed, you're not sure.
<Name> dances around, pushing an imaginary lawnmower.
G
<Name> shouts "run for your lives! The fishes are trying to gas us!" <It> looks terrified.
<Name> throws the bottlecap like a giant frisbee, slicing it for X damage.
<Name> does a wacky little dance, banging on the bottlecap for percussion. He looks a little dizzy afterward, but he looked a little dizzy before, too.
<Name> impersonates a mountain goat, singing a little song about headstones climbing hills. <It> is too nonplussed to attack.
<Name> leaps up like a nimble mountain goat, landing on <it> and doing X damage.
<Name> shouts "I shall defend thy honor, fair windmill!" and jousts <it> for X damage.
<Name> disguises himself as a piece of lawn until he gets close, then pops up and shouts "Boo!" He jumps and looks startled.
<Name> sniffs the hat, says "this is some really quality grass, man," and grins widely.
<Name> dances around singing "I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights," over and over, winking crazily.
<Name> pilots an imaginary Sopwith Camel, giving you a smile and a wink as he zooms past.
<Name> finds his nest of salt and throws some at <it>, blinding <it>.
<Name> sings a song about a black hole sun, whatever that is, and his mouth stretches into a creepy, overwide smile.
H
<Name> says "turtle, turtle, turtle, I made you out of clay!" then laughs unsettlingly as he head-butts him for 2 damage.
I
<Name> busts some phat disco moves, winking as he electric-slides past you.
<Name> smiles a strange, crooked smile, looking a little like a homicidal maniac. He winks at you, and you see his pupils have gone square. That's never a good sign.
<Name> tosses the sombrero over it, making it impossible for it to see you to attack.
<Name> says "eso si, que es," and winks at you.
J
<Name> shouts "I can see an elf! An elf with gray eyes!" as he begins casting Magic Missiles in random directions. Some of them hit your opponent, dealing X damage.
<Name> shouts "YOU SHALL NOT PASS! GO! YOU SHALL NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED MEAT!" then giggles maniacally and drops you a wink.
K
<Name> rears back and kicks him like a thoroughbred racehorse, dealing X damage. Thank goodness <Name> didn't do anything else like a racehorse.
<Name> dances around in a circle, singing "O-WEE-OH, EEEYOOOOAAH" at the top of his lungs. In other news, hatracks have lungs.
<Name> does a bewitching belly dance. <He> looks simultaneously confused and enticed.
<Name> does the dance of the seven veils (minus 6), then drops you a saucy wink.
<Name> tells him that he's going to audit his finances, and makes him wait while he makes sure everything adds up.
<Name> says "wow, this is certainly a super visor!" and giggles. Man, he must be crazy to laugh at a pun that lame.
<He> tries to give <Name> a noogie, and seriously hurt themselves on his hat.
<Name> rhythmically scrapes the knobs on the turtle and dances to the percussive beat he makes
<Name> does a dance in eye-popping 3-D! Then he winks at you, after he pops his eye back in.
L
<Name> says, "lick my boots, worm!" and smacks him with a riding crop for X
<Name> produces a set of restraints and locks them onto him. It's a little creepy.
<Name> waves his arms and moans. It shudders and looks weaker.
<Name> waves his arms and moans spookily, chasing him and scaring him for X
<Name> peels off the top layer of linoleum and lets her get a whiff of the glue that holds it on. She recoils and takes a stinky x damage.
<Name> flips upside down and does a headspin on the linoleum helmet. He must have been confused about where the floor was.
As your opponent charges, <Name> steps forward and shouts "Casey Jones, you better watch your speed!" It stops in its tracks.
<Name> says "dude, your chakras are, like, so misaligned," and re-aligns them for you.
M
<Name> offers it a glass sculpture full of sweet smoke, then gets it drunk and plays poker with it. It's too busy enjoying the hospitality to attack.
<Name> cranks some interesting lounge music, toasts you, and winks lustily. He clearly groks you in fullness.
<Name> steps in front of you and curtsies coquettishly. <He> starts flirting with him rather than attacking.
<Name> produces a lasso from somewhere and wraps it around him. "Look, I'm a turban cowboy!" he says.
<Name> winks at you and says "would you like a Squishee? Stereotypes are funny!"
<Name> shouts "yee-haw! Reckon I'm'a have to hog-tie you!" and wraps a rope around <it>, restraining <it> a little.
<Name> says "I wish I knew how to quit you," and winks at you.
<Name> gives her a big lingering hug, whispering "it's okay, you can cry." She cries a little, then looks embarrassed.
<Name> sings a long, bombastic song about the things he wouldn't do for love, while playing some wicked air guitar.
<Name> headbutts <it> for a meaty X
<Name> does a little shell-spinning breakdancing. Go hatrack, go hatrack, go!
<Name> shouts, "who says Nas'Kar ain't a real sport?" and punches them for X damage.
<Name> says, "I don't care who you are, that's funny right thar," and gives a cornpone grin.
<Name> mines for a couple of fish, then does the fish-slapping dance with them.
<Name> shines the light on his helmet at him, blinding him. He looks dazed and confused.
You rest while <Name> explains to you how the punk music you like isn't real punk.
<name> steps in front of <it> and shouts "Oi! Oi! Oi!" <It> is too startled to attack this round.
<Name> steps in front of him and engages him in a rowdy argument about whether or not KWE wrestling is fake.
<Name> teaches you how to line dance. Your heart feels less achy and breaky when he's done.
<Name> wraps up him in some of the bandages from his mask. Bandages, bandages, bandages.
<Name> walks like an Egyptian.
N
<Name> scampers in front of <her>. <She> climbs up on a chair and shrieks, terrified.
<Name> bites her with his nasty rat teeth, doing X nasty damage.
References
The filthy knitted dread sack message is a reference to Buffalo Springfield 's hit "For What It's Worth ".
The fire message refers to Gremlins 2
The goofily-plumed helmet message refers to the famous windmill-jousting knight, Don Quixote
The green traffic cone 's message is a reference to Monty Python 's song "I Like Traffic Lights".
The grungy bandana message about the nest of salt refers to the Nirvana song "All Apologies".
The grungy bandana message refers to the Soundgarden song "Black Hole Sun" which featured suburbanites with twisted expressions in its music video.
The irate sombrero 's post-combat message may refer to an old joke about a Mexican tourist trying to buy socks in an American department store ("Eso si que es" means "That's what it is" in Spanish, but also sounds like someone spelling the word "socks", "S-O-C-K-S").
The jewel-eyed wizard hat message about an elf with grey eyes is a reference to the "Dungeons & Dragons" sketch by the Dead Alewives .
The jewel-eyed wizard hat 's second message refers to both Gandalf's confrontation with the Balrog in The Fellowship of the Ring and the board game Monopoly , where players may be instructed to "Go directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200".
The longhaired hippy wig "Casey Jones" message refers to the Grateful Dead song "Casey Jones ".
The makeshift turban 's first message is a reference to the movie Urban Cowboy
The makeshift turban 's second message is a reference to Apu from The Simpsons
The meaty helmet turtle message is a reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze Vanilla Ice breaks into the infamous "Ninja Rap", which features the refrain "Go ninja! Go ninja! Go ninja go!"
The meatloaf helmet "it's okay, you can cry" message refers to a line said by the singer/actor Meat Loaf's character Robert "Bob" Paulson in Fight Club
In addition, the second meatloaf helmet message deals with the ubiquitous Meat Loaf song "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)".
The second mesh cap message refers to an oft-repeated line by the stand-up comic Larry the Cable Guy .
The miner's helmet message about mining for fish is a reference to a Runescape meme (as seen in this strip from VGCats). In addition, "The Fish-Slapping Dance " is a Monty Python sketch.
The mummy mask messages refer to the Hot Hot Heat song "Bandages" and The Bangles song "Walk Like an Egyptian ".
