Monster Manuel (E)

There are 30 creatures filed under E.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		180		Ed the Undying Very little is known about Ed the Undying or his reign as emperor. Some historians have attemped to ask him personally, but he keeps feeding their entrails to jackal-demons. After discovering the secret of immortality, Ed went to great lengths to have plenty of servants and comfortable furnishings in his huge tomb. Prior to that, Emperors were sealed in rather small stone boxes, and his opinion was, naturally, "Screw that!" Nobody knows how Ed acquired such comprehensive immortality. The only detail anyone's been able to get out of him was "I eat a lot of prunes."
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		99999		El Diablo El Diablo's strings are made from human souls, stretched very tight and thin. This is less uncomfortable for the souls than you might think. Only 375 of the Gibson Flying V bass were produced, making this a very rare guitar which you should probably feel kind of bad about smashing up all the time. Damon Albarn owns a red 1981 Gibson Flying V bass identical to El Diablo, but his was probably not previously owned by the devil.
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		145		Elders of the Gentle Race If the Elders of the Gentle Race were in an actual race, they would undoubtedly lose -- they're old! The Gentle Race prefer to spend most of its time whittling sticks on the front porch, and telling boring stories to nobody in particular. Back in the Elders of the Gentle Race's day, a loaf of bread only cost 5 Meat!
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		99999		Electron Submarine The electron submarine sometimes hands out neutrons on its day off. Free of charge. The electron submarine never has protons on board, of that I'm positive. The electron submarine glows a bright, cheery yellow, like an irradiated canary.
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		85		elephant (meatcar?) topiary animal Occasionally, elephants can forget, provided they drink enough. When elephants get drunk, they see pink people. I mean, I guess most white guys are actually pink, so it's not that weird they'd be around when an elephant's drunk.
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		190		Elite Beer Bongadier The beer bongadier never drinks beer himself. He does constantly pound shots of licorice-flavored schnapps, though, so don't feel bad for him. Beer bongadiers have a high turnover rate, since they can't carry two beer bongs and a paddle at the same time, and eventually get tired of not spanking people. The beer bongs the bongadier uses are manufactured to the exacting tactical specifications of the Frat Army, and can stop a bullet. Or at least make you forget you just got shot.
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		60		empty suit of armor What force is powerful enough to make a completely empty suit of armor move on its own accord and attack the living? Boredom. If someone had taken better care for the armor and not let it get so rusty, it might serve better as a household guard. I guess Lord Spookyraven decided ambience was more important. The Spookyraven family is famous for being (among other things) the gothiest family in heraldry -- their crest is in fact a totally black shield with no charges. How much more black could it be? None. None more black.
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		99999		endangered inflatable white tiger The wild population of inflatable tigers is kept under control by the availability of inflatable zebra prey. Half of the remaining population of inflatable white tigers are named Roy. The other half are named Clark. If you are ever trapped on a desert island with an inflatable white tiger, you should probably just lie down and let him eat you, because buddy, you are screwed!
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		230		enormous blob of gray goo A human being is 65% oxygen. However, this does not mean you can breathe a guy. The amount of gold in a human body would make a cube approximately 1/5th of a millimeter wide. More if you've had a shot of Goldschlager recently. Realistically, the threat of the planet being entirely consumed by out-of-control self-replicating nanobots is far less significant than the risk of cancer from inhaling too many nanotubes -- but that's a way less interesting thing to be afraid of.
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		99999		Enraged Cow Don't worry, she doesn't have Mad Cow Disease. How could she? She's a helicopter. Enraged cow milk has a very strong bitter flavor. and cheese made out of it is frequently used as a replacement for mothballs. Enraged cows don't make very good hamburgers, due to the bitter flavor of the meat and their tendancy to deliberately go down the wrong throat tube in an attempt to kill the person eating them.
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		171		erudite gremlin The erudite gremlin prefers his eviscerations with a highball glass of 12-year-old Scotch, neat. The erudite gremlin wears aviator goggles and a snappy scarf while ripping the engines off of airplanes. The erudite gremlin knows what brand of cigar will perfectly complement ripping deep gouges in someone's flesh.
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		171		erudite gremlin The erudite gremlin has an I.Q. of 210, but the test he took was gremlin-biased. The erudite gremlin has a high I.Q. but is awkward in social situations and has trouble displaying empathy. The erudite gremlin's smart, sure, but he doesn't have any street smarts.
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		25		Essence of Interspecies Respect Most adventurers already demonstrate a profound degree of interspecies respect, by being completely undiscriminating in what sort of opponents they're willing to beat the hell out of. How is a guy with cat ears supposed to foster interspecies respect? If I saw a cat wearing a pair of human ears, I would either run away or look for a weapon. Is it ironic that the people who go on endlessly about interspecies respect aren't much respected by anyone, regardless of species? No, probably not.
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		30		Essence of Soy Overindulgence in soy products can lead to elevated levels of estrogen, as if you didn't know that already. The Essence of Soy had a brief affair with the Essence of Bloody Mary Mix a while ago. Their union was brief, but delicious, especially with the Essence of Bleu-Cheese Stuffed Olive on the side. The lethal dose of soy sauce is around 12 to 18 ounces. The lethal dose of Essence of Soy depends on how hard it hits you.
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		20		Essence of Tofu Essence of tofu takes on the flavor of whatever you cook it with, but is so bland that it overpowers whatever that flavor is without even trying. There is only one essence of tofu -- no universe would be so cruel as to inflict more than that on its occupants. Every time you defeat it, it comes back, exactly as strong. Toe-Fu would be a good name for a martial art.
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		60		evil cultist Back in Krakrox's time, joining some kind of evil cult was basically just the same as joining the Elks Club, or a local bowling league. There wasn't much else to do on a Tuesday night. Why would anyone join an organization that worships an ancient monster that wants to destroy the world? Well, they have a pretty good dental plan. Actually, horrible ancient alien gods are frequently great partiers. Nyarlathotep, for example, has a great sense of humor, and Azathoth even brings his own musicians.
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		0		evil ex-girlfriend Spoons Liu is currently studying to become an Orthodox Jew, so she can fire energy beams from her eyes. Since there was no opportunity to buy the mini-hipster before it was cool, it was a poorly-selling item of the month. Scott Pilgrim was an underrated comic and movie, man. You should totally check it out.
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		145		Evil Olive Evil olives are stuffed with pimento, blue cheese, garlic, and rage. Evil olive juice is an essential ingredient in an evil dirty martini. It's not clear whether the olive germinated evil, or whether it turned evil somewhere in the brining process.
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		95		evil spaghetti cult assassin Cult assassins generally prefer thin-bladed daggers because, though they're not as intimidating as a big wicked scythe, they fit up your sleeve a lot more easily. Most people think of assassins as wearing black, but in fact a dark charcoal gray is much better for hiding in shadows. In most environments, it rarely gets dark enough for a true black to be fully camouflaged. Assassins tend to be heavy smokers, because a lot of the job involves sitting around waiting for your victim to show up. This is why they whisper a lot.
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		150		evil spaghetti cult middle-manager Be sure to have your FPS reports properly filed before attempting to fight these guys. Otherwise, they get even more troublesome. (It stands for "Fight Procedure Specification, not the other thing.) It is useless to attempt to reason with a middle-manager. Your only real alternative may be to just burn the building down. Evil spaghetti cult middle-managers dream of moving up the cult ladder. Perhaps one day they might even make vice-president of the department! Well, if no adventurers come along to slay their evil god and destroy the temple.
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		140		evil spaghetti cult neophyte The 'evil' in front of the neophyte's name is pretty redundant. It's not like there are a ton of totally nice guys in the evil spaghetti cult. Unless the 'evil' refers to the cult itself, like, the cult's full name is "evil spaghetti cult." Then it makes sense. Never mind. And you're asking, "but what are some facts about this neophyte?" Um. His first name's Gary, and he turns the bottom plate of the stapler around so the staple legs face out instead of in.
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		24		evil spaghetti cult priest Spaghetti cult priests are not required to be celibate, but they are required to avoid gluten-free foods. Spaghetti cult priests can bless ordinary linguine, turning it into the tendrils of a pasta monster. Spaghetti cult priests wear disturbing noodly masks instead of a clerical collar, so they won't get pressured into doing clerical work and making clerical errors.
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		140		evil spaghetti cult technician The evil spaghetti cult technician can build a makeshift altar out of nothing but duct tape and binder clips. An evil spaghetti cult technician always carries a whetstone, a lodestone, and a Firestone tire. Evil spaghetti cult technicians aren't that passionate about their religion, but they are passionate about keeping a neat workspace.
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		160		evil spaghetti cult zealot The spaghetti cultist's mask is made from living, writhing noodles, with two meatballs where the eyes should be. No one knows how they see through it. Spaghetti cult zealots recommend using a detergent specifically for dark fabrics, eschewing fabric softener, and line-drying versus a clothes dryer to keep your blacks their blackest. Spaghetti cult zealots had a schism over whether they should use knives made out of steel or out of al dente pasta. The ensuing religious battle was brief, and few from the noodle-knife sect survived.
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		21		evil spaghetti cultist One would think that the high-carb diet of a spaghetti cultist would be very fattening, but ritual flagellation burns a surprising amount of calories. Pasta Cultists have many different names for their god, but the two most popular are "The Noodly One" and "Yog-Udon". One in every ten spaghetti cultists actually sufferes from a gluten allergy and cannot eat pasta at all! Fortunately, the cult keeps a supply of rice noodles on hand for cultists with dietary restrictions.
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		21		evil trumpet-playing mariachi Mr. Skullhead used to play trumpet in junior high school, but he joined choir in high school and quit trumpeting. Trumpet players use the same muscles to play that one uses to force a bowel movement, but not the same orifice, thank god. Trumpet players occasionally give themselves heart attacks and brain aneurysms while going for high notes, as well as causing them in their audiences.
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		24		evil vihuela-playing mariachi Just so you know, in case you picked up this guy's evil vihuela and were wondering about the little wiggly lines: those are waves of evil, not stink-lines. He plays pretty much the same songs every mariachi plays, except his are about evil cockroaches and evil trees and so on. Don't judge mariachis too harshly just based on these guys. Most mariachis aren't evil, they just hate it when people steal their accordions.
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		73		eXtreme cross-country hippy Can cross-country skiing even be considered a sport? It's basically just walking with poles. Cross-country skiing is like regular skiing, except healthy and boring and with all the fun parts removed. Just like everything else hippies come into contact with. The biathalon[sic] is an attempt to bring a little fun and excitement back to cross-country skiing by including guns. Considering you never hear about it except during the Olympics, it doesn't seem very successful.
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		74		eXtreme Orcish snowboarder There are only two speeds on a snowbard: looking quite cool, and DEATH! Orcish snowboarders are constantly drinking while snowboarding. The one time one of them tried it sober, he broke every bone in his body, and some twice. The Orcish snowboarder keeps up his eXtremeness (eXtremity?) with constant infusions of Mountain Stream soda, spicy beef jerky, and insane snowboarding tricks.
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		39		eXtreme Sports Orcs Extreme sports Orcs invented the sport of rollerblading on top of a kayak. They also invented the sport of sky-diving while wearing nothing but swim fins and a snorkel. And the sport of pounding back beers while riding a horse with a rabid weasel attached to your head.
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References

• The Enraged Cow's first fact may refer to this video.