A Swarm of Yeti-Mounted Skeletons
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This content has been retired and is no longer available in game. |
The skies above Valhalla are thick with hideous, leathery-winged yetis being ridden by skeletons.
This can't be a good sign.
| Dive right into the fray |
- With a melee weapon
You dive into the middle of the swarm.
Gripping <yetiname>'s flanks with your thighs, you shout, "this pain's gonna go BONE DEEP!" and, feeling slightly embarrassed at having said that, you powder some bones with your <weapon>. Nice work, bone daddy.
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You defeated 1-9 skeletons |
You hold <yetiname>'s mane with one hand and shout, "I don't eat meat, but I sure like a BONE! For crushing!" To cover up that awkward moment, you pound on some skeletons with your <weapon>, wishing them a Bone Voyage as they plummet to the earth.
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You defeated 10-19 skeletons |
You shout, "I tell ya now, honey, I'm bad to the BONE!" Even <yetiname> winces at that one. To cover up your shame, you swing your <weapon> like a crazy <weapon>-swingin' fool, knocking skeletons hither and yon.
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You defeated 20-29 skeletons |
You shout, "I'm about to rattle your BONES!" Pleased with your bone mot, you wind up and deliver a series of crushing blows with your <weapon>.
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You defeated 30-39 skeletons |
You shout, "In a few hours, I'll be eating BREAD!" the skeletons look at you blankly. "Er, because I'm going to grind your BONES to make my BREAD, but it takes a few hours to COOK IT afterward!" you clarify, and commence to using your <weapon> to turn a pile of skeletons into a pile of powder.
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You defeated 40-49 skeletons |
You fly back through a slash, land your yeti, and assess your wounds, which are numerous.
 | You lose A hit points. |
- Without a melee weapon
You dive into the middle of the swarm.
You bash a skeleton right in the sternum with your <weapon>, but he just grins. Well, I mean, that's pretty much all he can do, what with his deficiencies in the face department, but you get the impression even if he could do otherwise, he'd still be grinning. You didn't do any damage, is what I'm sayin'.
| Fly above to get a better look |
You fly above the swarm to get a better perspective on the situation.
You glare down at the swarm, concentrate, and let pure anti-skeleton malice flow through your <weapon>. A small spectral anti-skeleton mallet leaps forth from it and pounds against the swarm.
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You defeated 1-9 skeletons |
You glare down at the swarm and concentrate all your anti-skeleton malice into your <weapon>. A mid-sized spectral anti-skeleton mallet from[sic] your <weapon> and pounds against the swarm.
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You defeated 10-19 skeletons |
<yetiname>'s wings creak as he glides above the swarm. You hold tight to his flanks with your thighs as you concentrate anti-skeleton malice into your <weapon>. Thankfully, you notice you're holding it the wrong way around before the spell takes off, so you narrowly avoid losing your own skeleton and cause considerable damage to the swarm, instead.
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You defeated 20-29 skeletons |
You glide high above the swarm, holding onto <yetiname>'s fur for dear life. You clear your mind and funnel as much mystical energy as you can through your <weapon> at the swarm below, knocking the bejeezus out of a bunch of skeletal riders.
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You defeated 30-39 skeletons |
You think about all the way that bones are lame -- how yours ache when it's humid out, how you can choke on them when you're eating fish, how lame people use 'bone' as sex slang -- and channel your irritation through your <weapon>, producing a beam of anti-skeletal energy that kicks the crap out of the swarm below.
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You defeated 40-49 skeletons |
That took a lot out of you...
 | You lose B Mana Points. |
You fly above the swarm to get a better perspective on the situation.
You ready a spell to rain death from above, concentrating and clearing your mind as you will dark forces to flow through your <weapon>. Sadly, the dark forces take one look at your <weapon> and decide to go flow elsewhere.
| Fly underneath the swarm |
- With a ranged weapon
You fly underneath the swarm, hoping for better access to some sensitive underbellies...
<yetiname> banks steeply as you fly underneath the yetis, careful to avoid organic yeti waste products as you take aim with your <weapon> and disconnect a few shinbones from their kneebones.
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You defeated 1-9 skeletons |
You dodge various yeti byproducts as you fly under the swarm, <yetiname> doing barrel rolls as you squeeze off shots with your <weapon> and unhorsing -- er, unyeti-ing? -- a decent few skeletal riders.
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You defeated 10-19 skeletons |
As you fly under the swarm, a steaming yeti byproduct lands on <yetiname> right in front of you. Incensed, you fire wildly with your <weapon>, making it rain skeletons for a little while.
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You defeated 20-29 skeletons |
You fly under the swarm, firing your <weapon> over and over, <yetiname> banking and swooping as you dodge the various organic byproducts earth-bound yetis usually bury under a bush. Every time you almost get hit with guano, you shoot a little faster.
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You defeated 30-39 skeletons |
You keep the face of your father fixed in your mind as you fire over and over with your <weapon>, cutting a wide swath through the swarm. Man, did you ever hate that guy.
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You defeated 40+ skeletons |
Man. That was mentally and physically exhausting.
| You lose C hit points. |
| You lose D Mana Points. |
- Without a ranged weapon
You fly underneath the swarm, hoping for better access to some sensitive underbellies...
You take careful aim, exhale smoothly, and squeeze off a few rounds with your <weapon>. Actually, no, no you didn't, because melee weapons don't work that way. And neither do windmills.
Do it again
Occurs at The Skies over Valhalla.
Notes
- If you are falling down drunk, you are unable to adventure here, and instead receive this message:
There are at least two of everything up there, and you're also worried that you might fall off your yeti. You should maybe come back when you're at least slightly less drunk.
- If you have insufficient current MP (under 20% of your buffed max MP), you are unable to adventure here, and instead are given the message:
You don't have the energy to attack a problem this size. Go drink some soda or something.
- If you have insufficient current HP (under 20% of your buffed max HP), you are unable to adventure here, and instead are given the message:
You're not in good enough shape to deal with a threat this large. Go get some rest, or put on some band-aids or something.
A=10% of max hp, rounded up
B=5% of max mp
C=3-5% of max hp
D=3-5% of max mp
The amount of skeletons killed depends on your mainhand weapon's base power, plus:
- With a melee weapon: The first choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Weapon Damage. 6% of weapon_damage + power?
- With a mysticality-based weapon: The second choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Spell Damage. 7% of spell+weapon_power?
- With a ranged weapon: The third choice increases kills based off your absolute Bonus Ranged Damage (ignores regular Bonus Weapon Damage). 11% of ranged+power?
Percentage increasers seem to have no effect, nor does elemental damage or offhand weapon power. Wielding a mysticality weapon counts as a melee weapon, allowing both the first and second choice, though to different effects.
References
- According to Morbo of Futurama, windmills do not work that way. Goodnight!
- The "A. W. O. L. Messenger" could refer to AOL instant messenger.
- The Bread and bones section of melee kills bears similarities to the Cleaning Lady quote by Todd from the Scott Pilgrim series.
- The top damage ranged attack is a reference to Stephen King's The Dark Tower novels, specifically The Waste Lands.
- "I don't eat meat, but I sure like a BONE! For crushing!" is a reference to the line "She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone" in the song "New Age Girl" by Dead Eye Dick.
- "I tell ya now, honey, I'm bad to the BONE!" is a reference to the song "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers.
