{{useitem|item=Hardened slime pants|text="I'm so irritated by these unfashionable trousers that I could smack someone!" <Name> says, then smacks her for {{SCDmg}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hardened slime pants|text="These trousers are simply ''abominable''," <Name> moans. "I cannot bear to wear such repulsive, disgusting garb for another second! You there," he says, pointing at your opponent, "help me take these trousers off, immediately!" Your opponent backs away nervously, hands (or hand-analogues) upraised.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus kilt|text= "Ah, yes, I remember old Hippopotamus Kilt," <Name> says. "Quite the explorer, was ol' Kilt. Why, he could make a man writhe in pain with just his pinky finger. Watch!" He demonstrates on your opponent for {{SCDmg}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus kilt|text="Hippopotamus kilt?" <Name> asks as he does a little jig. "Well, I certainly hope they kilt it before they made this skirt out of it! Ho ho! Quite droll, eh what?"|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus pants|text="These trousers rather remind me of when I would go on safari with old Lord Montague," <Name> says, then raises an eyebrow at your opponent. "How do you suppose this creature's head would look, mounted on the sitting-room wall?" It looks too afraid to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus pants|text="Shall I demonstrate for you the oral hygiene tips I learned while on safari with the hippopotami?" <Name> asks. You relax as he cleans your teeth.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus skirt|text="It's only sporting to warn you, old bean," <Name> says, "that I intend to thrash you from top to bottomus!" Your opponent look unnerved by the threat, or possibly confused about what a 'bottomus' is.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus skirt|text=<Name> does a little interpretative dance about the time he went on safari and shot so many hippopotami, the local natives assumed he was some kind of malevolent thunder demon.|type=combat}}
*''[[Hobo dungarees]]:''
*''[[Hobo dungarees]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hobo dungarees|text=|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hobo dungarees|text="My uncle Mortimer sold pencils during the Great Depression, you know," <Name> says, "Or more precisely, he sold a ''lack'' of pencils. People would give him money to not stab pencils in their eyes. Quite an entrepreneur, was Uncle Morty. Hey you!" he calls to your opponent, pulling a couple pencils from the pocket of his dungarees. "Can I interest you in a lack of pencils?" Your opponent backs away nervously.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hobo dungarees|text="You know, there is something noble and romantic about the life of the wandering vagrant. Provided, of course, he wanders far away from my palacial estate." <Name> smiles, thinking of the grandeur of his personal wealth.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's lobsterskin pants|text="Don't mess with the lobster if you're not prepared to feel the pinch!" <Name> shouts, pinching her for {{SCDmg}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's lobsterskin pants|text="You know, lobsters mate for life," <Name> says, "and my extensive travels and world experience means there are at least three lovely lady crustaceans pining away for me." Your opponent is too confused by that statement to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Honeybritches]]:''
*''[[Honeybritches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Honeybritches|text=|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Honeybritches|text="I say, my legs are sticking to one another in a most unpleasant fashion! I daresay these short pants are not entirely to my liking!" <Name> kicks your opponent, getting him all sticky and freaking him out for {{SCDmg|sleaze=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Honeybritches|text="These britches remind me of my carefree summer days spent eating the honeycomb that the servants harvested for us," <Name> says. "Did I ever tell you about the time we made the butler dress like a bee and dance to show us where dinner was?" You relax as he regales you with the story.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
"<PlayerName>," <Name> says, "these cuisses are transmitting a message from your ancient turtle gods."
"Oh really?" you ask. "What message?"
"Slay this filthy rapscallion immediately."
"That doesn't sound like something the ancient turtle gods would say," you reply.
"And then fix me a cup of tea."
Your opponent is a bit perplexed by all this.
"You know, <PlayerName>, I have seen the mystical Tortoise Graveyard at Galapagos. But I can never return. Allow me to tell you the tale . . ." The air seems to crackle with mystical energy as <Name> tells the story.
"You think you have a hard life, simply because you're a chitlin-less pauper?" <Name> scoffs. "I'm one of the most powerful scarecrows in the world, yet this joker has me wearing a diaper!" Your opponent looks a little cowed by the scarecrow's rage.
"I'm so irritated by these unfashionable trousers that I could smack someone!" <Name> says, then smacks her for 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) damage damage.
"These trousers are simply abominable," <Name> moans. "I cannot bear to wear such repulsive, disgusting garb for another second! You there," he says, pointing at your opponent, "help me take these trousers off, immediately!" Your opponent backs away nervously, hands (or hand-analogues) upraised.
"Ah, yes, I remember old Hippopotamus Kilt," <Name> says. "Quite the explorer, was ol' Kilt. Why, he could make a man writhe in pain with just his pinky finger. Watch!" He demonstrates on your opponent for 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) damage damage.
"Hippopotamus kilt?" <Name> asks as he does a little jig. "Well, I certainly hope they kilt it before they made this skirt out of it! Ho ho! Quite droll, eh what?"
"These trousers rather remind me of when I would go on safari with old Lord Montague," <Name> says, then raises an eyebrow at your opponent. "How do you suppose this creature's head would look, mounted on the sitting-room wall?" It looks too afraid to attack this round.
"Shall I demonstrate for you the oral hygiene tips I learned while on safari with the hippopotami?" <Name> asks. You relax as he cleans your teeth.
"It's only sporting to warn you, old bean," <Name> says, "that I intend to thrash you from top to bottomus!" Your opponent look unnerved by the threat, or possibly confused about what a 'bottomus' is.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
<Name> does a little interpretative dance about the time he went on safari and shot so many hippopotami, the local natives assumed he was some kind of malevolent thunder demon.
"My uncle Mortimer sold pencils during the Great Depression, you know," <Name> says, "Or more precisely, he sold a lack of pencils. People would give him money to not stab pencils in their eyes. Quite an entrepreneur, was Uncle Morty. Hey you!" he calls to your opponent, pulling a couple pencils from the pocket of his dungarees. "Can I interest you in a lack of pencils?" Your opponent backs away nervously.
"You know, there is something noble and romantic about the life of the wandering vagrant. Provided, of course, he wanders far away from my palacial estate." <Name> smiles, thinking of the grandeur of his personal wealth.
"Don't mess with the lobster if you're not prepared to feel the pinch!" <Name> shouts, pinching her for 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) damage damage.
"You know, lobsters mate for life," <Name> says, "and my extensive travels and world experience means there are at least three lovely lady crustaceans pining away for me." Your opponent is too confused by that statement to attack this round.
"I say, my legs are sticking to one another in a most unpleasant fashion! I daresay these short pants are not entirely to my liking!" <Name> kicks your opponent, getting him all sticky and freaking him out for 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+X) damage damage.
"These britches remind me of my carefree summer days spent eating the honeycomb that the servants harvested for us," <Name> says. "Did I ever tell you about the time we made the butler dress like a bee and dance to show us where dinner was?" You relax as he regales you with the story.
"Now, see here!" Panty says, "I demand you fetch me an appropriate pair of woolen running trousers this instant, or I shall disembowel one of those blackguards over there!" Your opponents quiver with fear.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
"When I was a lad, I took quite a bit of exercise," <Familiar Name> says, "only it's unseemly for a gentleman to sweat, so father hired a boy to exercise in my stead. He certainly looked invigorated after each workout session!" You take a little nap as <Familiar Name> reminisces, and awaken refreshed.
"I say, <Player>," <Familiar Name> grumbles, inspecting his junk-mail pants, "these trousers are simply not the quality that I've come to... oh, I say! There's a sale at Marks and Sparks!" Your opponent glances at you, wondering what the heck is going on.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
<Familiar Name> reads a particularly lurid advertisement off of the pants, sparing no detail. Your opponent takes 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+23) damage from blushing too hard.
"Elite?" <Familiar Name> sniffs. "Hardly. Tell me, my good man, do you think a pair of trousers worn by such a boorish, uncivilized lout as a Knob Goblin guard could ever be described as 'elite'?"
<Familiar Name> does a provocative dance that he learned on one of his many trips around the world. <It> cannot unsee what <it> has seen, and takes 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+16) damage.
<Familiar Name> says, "in these pants, I am still more manly than you'll ever be, and more woman than you shall ever possess!" <He> looks too demoralized to attack this round.
<Familiar Name> says, "very well, if you're going to treat me like a goblin, I shall act like one! Have at you, blackguard!" and kicks <him> in the shins.
<Familiar Name> shouts at <him>, "stop looking at me like I'm some ruddy GOBLIN, will you?" <He> is too startled to attack this round.
<Familiar Name> says, "these uber-pants remind me of my days playing Rugby at the Uni," and tackles him, holding him down for a round.
<Familiar Name> says, "allow me to show you a traditional Knob Goblin dance I learned on my many world travels," and dances what looks like the Macarena with the hiccups.
"A man is never truly a man until he has worn a loincloth, I always say," <Familiar Name> says, smiling broadly.
"You know, <Player>, I once had my family tree traced, and it went all the way back to Krakrox himself," <Familiar Name> says. "That would explain my occasional compulsion to bathe in the blood of my enemies. I say, I feel it coming on now. . ." Your opponent backs away slowly.
<Name> says, "take a look at this, you blackguard! This is the scarecrow your scarecrow could smell like, if he were half the scarecrow I am! I'm on a horse!" Your opponent looks disheartened and confused by that statement.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
"A towel around one's middle is much more appropriate garb for the sauna, rather than travelling," <name> complains, as he does a half-hearted little dance. "Still, any port in a storm, eh what? Nothing better than a glass of port after a good sauna, I always say."
<Name> sneaks up behind your opponent and shouts, "I say, old chap! TIMBEERRRRRR!" It looks a little freaked out.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
<Name> says, "I say, old bean, I will never understand modern haberdashery. Why, when I was a youth, the manliest thing one could wear was a floor-length ballgown with stunning decolletage, and matching diamond earrings and necklace! Now I see women wearing the same thing!" You chuckle to yourself and feel refreshed.
<Name> says, "dear creature, if you expect me to do some 'ol´e; dance for your amusement, you are sorely misled." It is too disappointed to attack this round.
"By Fernswarthy's black heart, this is too much to bear! To be dressed in the filthy garments of a common day laborer? I won't have it, by thunder!" <Name> shouts, startling your opponent so much that it forgets to attack this round.
"I can't bear a single minute more in these trousers!" <Name> shouts. "I'm suffocating in the stench of the sweat of the common man! Smell this, will you?" He holds up his leg to your opponent, doing 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+48) (+1) (+1) damage.
"I say, this is a fairly convincing monster costume -- or, at least half of one," <Name> says. "Maybe we could skin that blackguard over there to make the top half, eh?" Your opponent is a little too frightened to attack this round.
"These trousers put me in mind of when father hired a theater to put on a play with me as the star, and made all the servants play roles," <Name> says, smiling at the memory.
"These pants make me ponder the beauty and grace of the Pork Elves," <Name> says, "which only makes you look worse in comparison." Your opponent looks abashed after that insult.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
"I'm sorry, old bean, but I simply must do a traditional dance of the Pork Elves. It's pure poetry in motion, if I dare say so myself," <Name> says, interpretive-dancing his stuffed heart out.
"I say, old chap, these trousers are nice, but I think I smell a rat, and I don't mean that idiomatically," <Name> says, kicking it for 1 (+1) (+1) (+2) (+1) (+1) (+2) damage.
"I say, these suede leggings are quite nice, actually," <Name> says. "What are they fashioned of? Calfskin? " "Don't tell him," you whisper to your opponent, who nod and keep his distance..
"Ah, see here," <Familiar Name> says, "these stains are actually a rather potent hot sauce! Here, try a bit." He sticks his pants leg out to your opponents, doing 1 (+1) (+59) (+2) (+1) (+2) (+1) damage.
"I must say, dear boy," <Familiar Name> says, "these trousers certainly have got me feeling . . . saucy." Your opponents are too demoralized by that pun to attack this round.
You shout, "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" as <Familiar Name> spin-kicks them for 1 (+1) (+40) (+2) (+1) (+2) (+1) damage.
"I say, <Player>, in these trousers I feel as though I could decapitate a hater with amazing ease!" <Familiar Name> says. Your opponents hang back, not willing to risk any vital appendages.
"I cannot lie, old bean, I have a burning desire to kick these blackguards with my red-hot pants! Or possibly my red hot-pants? Well, either, really," <Familiar Name> says, kicking <them> for 1 (+1) (+121) (+2) (+1) (+2) (+1) damage.
"Where did you find these trousers?" asks <Familiar Name>. "I rather suspect they may be part of an old suit I once gave to a chimney-sweep in lieu of payment. Here," he says, holding a leg out to your opponent, "smell my leg. Does it smell like chimney-sweep to you?" Your opponent backs away, perplexed and repulsed.
"Ah, I remember how the knees wore out of my favorite suit," <Familiar Name> says. "I was cutting a rug, and a fancy figure, at a fancy ball, and I slid on my knees across the marble floor. Here, allow me to demonstrate."
<Favorite Name> says, "good god, man, how do you expect me to have a modicum of self-respect in these pants? I refuse to let <it> attack you until you let me change."
"I say," <Favored Name> says, "there are some rather remarkable things in these pockets. What's this individually packaged balloon for?" He shows it to them, causing them 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+1) (+27) points' worth of embarrassment.
"I do believe that modern hazing rituals lack a certain je ne sais quoi," <Familiar Name> says. "I mean, they focus almost exclusively on the buttocks and ignore the nipples!" You relax while he tells you about the good ol' nipple-torturing days at his prep school.
"Ordinarily, I would caution you to avoid befouling my expensive new shoes with this miserable creature's blood," Panty says, "But these waders should do a capital job of protecting me, so 'go to town', as they say!" Your opponent seems a bit taken aback by all this.
Monster attack power reduced by X
Monster defense reduced by X
"I say," <Familiar Name> says, somewhat reduntantly, "the only smell stronger than the stench of failure off of this creature is the stench of my trousers!" And he kicks it for 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+131) (+1) (+1) damage.
"I must confess I frequently have sticky pants, but never for this particular reason," <Familiar Name> says. "And I'm covered in dead flies -- can you believe the smell of it! Here, sniff," he says, holding his leg out to your opponent and causing 1 (+1) (+1) (+1) (+113) (+1) (+1) damage.
"Why are you looking at me in such a fashion?" <Familiar Name> asks. "Are my flies undone?" Your opponent doesn't seem to know how to respond to that.
