The Armory and Leggery

The Armory and Leggery

[Name], the Armorer and Leggerer runs The Armory and Leggery in Market Square.
The items for sale here are grouped into five categories: Melee Weapons, Ranged Weapons, Utensils, Hats, and Pants.

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[Name], the Armorer and Leggerer "Hey, what are you lookin' at? Just kidding. Don't worry, I've heard 'em all. All the jokes, all the questions. Questions like 'How do you make all this gear with no arms or legs?' Anyway, what can I get for you? Or, umm, what can you get for yourself?"

The sign says there's a sale?

Items Sold

Item:		Price:
— Melee Weapons —
	cool whip	30 Meat
	sweet ninja sword	50 Meat
	suede shortsword	300 Meat
	25-meat staff	525 Meat
	bamboo bokuto	750 Meat
	two-handed depthsword	900 Meat
	bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme	1,125 Meat
— Utensils —
	rubber spatula	150 Meat
	wooden spoon	300 Meat
	crystalline reamer	525 Meat
	macroplane grater	750 Meat
	bastard baster	900 Meat
	obsidian nutcracker	1,125 Meat
— Ranged Weapons —
	toy accordion	150 Meat
	slightly peevedbow	450 Meat
	lead yo-yo	600 Meat
	sack of doorknobs	825 Meat
	lucky ball-and-chain	975 Meat
	automatic catapult	1,125 Meat
— Hats —
	snorkel	30 Meat
	Kentucky-style derby	50 Meat
	pentacorn hat	300 Meat
	goofily-plumed helmet	525 Meat
	yellow plastic hard hat	675 Meat
	wooden salad bowl	900 Meat
	football helmet	1,125 Meat
	eldritch scanner	50,000 Meat
	fishin' hat	10,000 Meat
— Pants —
	studded leather boxer shorts	50 Meat
	chain-mail monokini	225 Meat
	union scalemail pants	375 Meat
	paper-plate-mail pants	600 Meat
	troutpiece	825 Meat
	alpha-mail pants	1,050 Meat
— 2015 Standard Gear (Normal) —
	polyester parachute	1
	polyester pad	1
	polyester peeler	1
	polyester pettipants	1
	polyester panama hat	1
	polyester pulsera	1
— 2015 Standard Gear (Hardcore) —
	porcelain police baton	1
	porcelain plus-fours	1
	porcelain porkpie	1
	porcelain pepper mill	1
	porcelain pelerine	1
	porcelain phantom mask	1
— 2016 Standard Gear (Normal) —
	wicker kickers	1
	wicker slicker	1
	wicker knickers	1
	wicker ticker	1
	wicker sticker	1
	wicker clicker	1
— 2016 Standard Gear (Hardcore) —
	bakelite belt	1
	bakelite badge	1
	bakelite bowl	1
	bakelite brooch	1
	bakelite breeches	1
	bakelite backpack	1
— 2017 Standard Gear (Normal) —
	aerogel anvil	1
	aerogel akubra	1
	aerogel apron	1
	aerogel ascot	1
	aerogel attache case	1
	aerogel accordion	1
— 2017 Standard Gear (Hardcore) —
	wrought-iron wig	1
	wrought-iron winch crank	1
	wrought-iron widget	1
	wrought-iron whisk	1
	wrought-iron walker	1
	wrought-iron waders	1
— 2018 Standard Gear (Normal) —
	gabardine gaiters	1
	gabardine garland	1
	gabardine gunnysack	1
	gabardine garibaldi	1
	gabardine girdle	1
	gabardine gloves	1
— 2018 Standard Gear (Hardcore) —
	fiberglass fetish	1
	fiberglass foil	1
	fiberglass fannypack	1
	fiberglass frock	1
	fiberglass fingerguard	1
	fiberglass fedora	1
— 2019 Standard Gear (Hardcore) —
	marble maebari	1
	marble mantle	1
	marble magnet	1
	marble mignonette bowl	1
	marble medallion	1
	marble mariachi hat	1

Notes

• The shopkeeper's name varies from character to character, and changes with each ascension, though the filename of the image is 'matt.gif'. Reported aliases are Art, Bill, Bob, Jack, Matt, Sandy, Warren as well as the duo of Kurt 'n Rod who look like this:

Kurt 'n Rod, the Armorer and Leggerer, Respectively "Hey, what are you lookin' at? Just kidding. Don't worry, we've heard 'em all. All the jokes, all the questions. Questions like 'How do you make all this gear with no arms or legs?' Anyway, what can we get for you? Or, umm, what can you get for yourself?"

• The sections for standard ascension gear from previous years only appear if you have the relevant currency (ex: wickerbits, bakelite bits, etc).
• In a Zombie Slayer run, the store is closed:

As you approach the Armory & Leggery, the first thing you notice is the large number of motionless corpses lying around, many of them with some or all of their head blown off, and the rest with crossbow bolts sticking out of their eyes.

As you ponder the scene, a zombie shuffles up to see what you're doing. "Graaaa-urk!" he says, as a flaming arrow sails out of the window of the A&L and into his ear. It's at this point that you decide that maybe you should steer clear of the town's largest and best-defended weapons cache.

• In a Nuclear Autumn run, the store is closed:

Looks like the Armorer and Leggerer felt like the risk of losing additional limbs due to mutation was too great. They packed up and left the store barren.

History

• The Armory and Leggery was an expansion to the Market Square added to the Kingdom on February 27, 2006.
• In an impressive show of mercantile fortitude on March 5, 2006, The Armory and Leggery came to acquire all of the martial equipment that used to be sold by the Market including the snorkel, cool whip, studded leather boxer shorts, sweet ninja sword, slingshot, and Kentucky-style derby.
• On October 31st, 2013, the slingshot was replaced with toy accordion.
• On February 9, 2015, the Armory and Leggery added a section for utensils.
• On April 1, 2016, the Armory and Leggery added the fishin' hat with the implementation of the Clan Floundry.

References

• The shopkeeper's different names refer to a series of jokes which always start out with, "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs..."

• "...lying in front of a door? A: Matt."
• "...hanging from a wall? A: Art."
• "...stuck in a mailbox? A: Bill."
• "...floating in the water? A: Bob."
• "...underneath a car? A: Jack."
• "...on a beach? A: Sandy."
• "...with fifty rabbits stuck up his butt? A: Warren."
• "...two men with no arms, no legs, and stuck on top of a window? A: Kurt 'n Rod."