Abuela's Bungalow

This content has been retired and is no longer available in game.

Abuela's Bungalow appeared in Crimbo... Island? during Crimbo 2024.

Starting December 15, 2024:

• First visit:

You enter the biggest ramshackle building in the center of the pirate shantytown, presuming it to be the pirates' main headquarters (which turns out to be a correct presumption, good job!)

The smell of fresh-baked cookies hits your nostrils, and you see Abuela Crimbo -- the tough-but-kindly old lady who is actually the literal Spirit of Crimbo although that hasn't been plot-relevant for several years now -- wearing a bright red bandanna and huge gold hoop earrings, frosting a tray of hardtack men. She nods a greeting to you, and gestures to a large conference table on the other side of the room.

At the table is Sammy the Pirate Elf. One letter older than her twin sister Tammy, she looks basically identical except for her pirate captain's hat, eyepatch, big red coat, and the cutlass strapped to her belt. She's standing on a chair, pushing little wooden ships around a big map of the ocean, and occasionally making little "Reef the mainsails! Fire the starboard cannons! Boom! Yarrr!" noises. When she notices you approaching, she turns around and hops up and down on her chair excitedly.

"%playername%! Ye scurvy landlubber! Good ta see ya! Come ta join me crew, 'ave ye?"

"Aye aye, Cap'n Sammy," you say with a casual salute and a bemused smile. "Reportin' for duty and lookin' for booty."

Sammy giggles. "Tee-hee! Booty! Aye, there'll be booty aplenty, matey! Once we've established a proper foothold 'ere, we're gonna make Crimbo the best holiday ever! Yarrr!"

"Where is here?" you ask, looking at the map, which shows only the island you're on and a whole lot of blank space.

"The Holiday Islands! A mysterious archipelago out in the middle of the ocean, where holiday energy is powerful strong! If we can establish a proper Pirate Crimbo Island 'ere, we can make it really real, instead of just a really great idea!"

"Can you actually have an archipelago with only one island?" you ask.

"Aye, well, that's what's so mysterious about it. There's a strange sort of... field-thing in these parts. Kinda like the field around Loathing, except instead o' bein' all timey-wimey, it's all spacey-wacey, see? The islands sorta come an' go! An' when they come, we gotta be ready for 'em, yarrr!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean they ain't gonna be happy 'bout us musclin' in on their turf. Only so much holiday energy ta go 'round, y'see. Just one calendar's worth! So I reckon we're in for a fight! But we can't just plop cannons down on the beach and fire at 'em broadsides, so that's where you come in."

"Ah, of course. Well, I can't say no to fighting a bunch of weird stuff. That is, after all, what I signed up for."

"Exactly! So go make yer preparations, matey, an' then come back 'ere when our first adversary shows their dirty mug an' I'll give ye more instructions!"

"When will that be, do you think?"

"Like, immediately. Ye can leave an' then turn right around an' come back in."

Boat to the Holiday Islands appears in Crimbo Town

• Second visit:

As you reenter the command room, Sammy is drawing a new island on the map with a big fluffy white quill pen. "Land ho!" she says excitedly, waving you over.

"Hey now," you protest. "I'll take 'landlubber', but--"

"Look!" She points at the map. "A new island's appeared out o' the mists, an' scuttlebutt from the crows' nests says it's a mighty odd one, yarrr! Big stone heads all over it, an' rabbits that lay eggs!"

"What? That doesn't make any sense," you say. "What kind of holiday would that even be?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, matey, but it's bearin' down on us, so ye'd better grab a skiff and haul anchor! Get in there an' set up what ye call a 'proactive defense', an' me scouts'll see if they can't nose out :where their cap'n makes 'is base."

"Okay. I mean, aye aye."

Starting December 16, 2024:

• First visit:

You enter the command room and find Cap'n Sammy sharpening her cutlass. "Big day today, matey!" she says excitedly. "Me scouts've located Easter Island's boss, and it's a weird one! Some kinda big stone rabbit head!"

"That is weird," you say. "I still don't get this 'Easter' holiday at all."

"Ehh, it's prob'ly one o' them things where ancient fertility rites got mixed up with a more modern religion an' then commercial interests got involved an' made it all loopy. Limited holiday energy forces old holdiays to mash up together like that fer survival." She eyes a nick in the blade of her cutlass and polishes harder. "Anyhow, a big stone rabbit's bound ta be a tough fight however ye slice it, and also however ye slice it. So ye'd better make ready. The lads left a trail marker for ye in a big pile of eggs."

"Aye aye, Cap'n," you say. "Are you coming too?"

"Me? Nay, I got too much stuff to do here. This cutlass ain't gonna sharpen itself!"

• After defeating the Easter Island Bunny:

"You did it!" Sammy cheers, hopping up and down on her chair and waving her freshly-sharpened cutlass dangerously in the air. "That's one challenge to Crimbo down! Yo ho ho! Well done, me hearty!"

"Aw, it was nothing," you say, ducking slightly. "But if I know one thing about boss fights, it's that they're only gonna get tougher from here."

"Aye, ye've the right of it, matey," Sammy nods. "An' 'less I miss me guess, ye won't have long to wait. Other holidays are gonna be smellin' that blood in the water."

Starting December 17, 2024:

• First visit:

Sammy is excitedly drawing a new island onto her map. "Yarrr! Red alert, matey! Batten down the hatches! Get ready for action!"

"Pirates have red alerts?" you ask.

"Actually, we should maybe call it a green alert," she says. "Have ye any green clothes to wear?"

"Uh..." you say, looking through your inventory. "...I don't know. Why?"

"Lookouts say everyone there be dressed in green for some reason. Also they report a lot of shamrocks, and a lot of beer."

"Ooh!"

"Green beer."

"Ew."

"A lot of snakes, too."

"I'll just go now before this gets any worse."

Starting December 18, 2024:

• First visit:

"So, matey," Sammy grins, "Are ye tired o' fightin' snakes and potatoes yet?"

"I'll never look at a french fry the same way again," you say.

"Don't reckon I know what that means, but the scouts've located their boss's hideout -- just follow the trail of snakes, the scouts said. An' you'd better be ready for a fight."

"Why? Is it some kind of horrible snake/potato monster? Like Mr. Potatohead except a medusa, something like that?"

"Nay. It's an old man in a robe."

"Oh crap."

• After defeating St. Patrick:

"Another one down! Yarrr!" Sammy cheers as you enter the command room. "Smooth sailing, matey!"

"Yeah. I do feel a little conflicted about that guy, though," you say. "I'm pretty sure he was some kind of old religious figure. Kind of a bummer that he ended up being a sales mascot for green beer."

"Aye, well, it's like I said before -- the old holidays gotta adapt to keep up with the times, if'n they want a share o' the holiday magic. Otherwise they just end up lost and forgotten. Like Lughnasadh."

"Gesundheit. So is that what you're trying to do with Pirate Crimbo? Update the holiday to keep it current?"

"Matey, mayhaps ye haven't realized, but if yer lookin' for me to get all thoughtful an' introspective, yer lookin' at the wrong elf."

Starting December 19, 2024:

• First visit:

You enter the command room to find that Sammy has already drawn another new island, and is looking over a sheaf of reports with an uncharacteristically worried look on her face.

"What's up, Cap'n?" you ask.

"Err... I dunno about this one, %playername%," Sammy says. "Might be we're out o' our league 'ere. This one's a real warzone. An' I mean that in a strictly literal sense, aye? With soldiers an' guns an'... an' everything!" she squeaks.

"Eh, I've been in a war before. Possibly many times before."

"Sure, 'gainst hippies and/or frat boys. Not like this." Her voice quavers slightly, and her eyes are big and shiny. "I ain't wantin' ta send me best matey inta some kinda hellscape, but... but..."

"But somebody's got to do it. It's all right, Sammy, I'll be fine. The worst that can happen is I get the Beaten Up status effect for a few turns."

"Aye... aye, I s'pose that's right." She takes a deep breath, and her voice recovers its usual bravado. "Well, good luck to ye, matey! An' don't forget yer brown trousers!"

Starting December 20, 2024:

• First visit:

"Well, %playername%, we've found the scurvy dog what's runnin' that island," Sammy says. "Sort of. Hope ye can track 'im yerself, as I've had to send the scout ta bed with a mug o' cocoa an' two week's paid leave, an' the map he drew doesn't make much sense. It's all scribbles an' goth poetry."

"Jeez. It's that bad? Is this boss some kind of crazy monster made of trenches and barbed wire?"

"No, it's just a guy, 'pparently! Sounds like 'e cracked from the stress of war and hid out in the jungle. Started some kind o' weird cult? The scout only found 'im coz they ran into a loopy photographer who wouldn't stop blabbin' about 'im."

"Huh. Anything else I should know?"

"They say 'e's oddly fat for a soldier, but 'e's got a real intimidatin' countenance. Such as like an underworld crime boss would have, or a big floating alien head. That's about all I can tell ye."

• After defeating Colonel Brando:

As you enter the command room, Sammy runs up to you, all excited and worried-looking. "You're back! Did ye beat that scallywag? Are ye okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," you say reassuringly, nearly patting her on the head except that wouldn't be appropriate considering she's the captain, and anyway her big pirate hat is in the way. "He wasn't so tough. Fart of Darkness, more like!"

"...What?"

"Nothing, nevermind. That joke just didn't fit in anywhere else."

"Well, it's bound ta be smooth sailing from here on out! I can't imagine any o' the rest o' the islands'll be a tougher fight than tha--"

"Whoa! Shhh! Don't say things like that! Jeez, Sammy, Tammy's got a lot to teach you about narrative."

Starting December 21, 2024:

• First visit:

As you enter the command room, Sammy is drawing a new island on the map. "Yarrr! You're gonna like this one, matey," she says, nodding to you. "It's one o' them eating holidays."

"Oh, like the Feast of Boris?" you ask.

"Very like that, aye! Turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes..."

"I've had enough potatoes already, thanks. Well, maybe there's a diplomatic solution here, since we've got that common ground..."

"No no no, don't even mention the Feast of Boris!" Sammy exclaims with her eyes wide. "Are ye cracked? Holidays are in competition with each other! If they find out ye've an allegiance with a holiday that's -- to their mind -- bitin' their style, they'll be twice as mad at ye! Maybe even three times!"

"Ah, well, when you quantify it like that, it does sound pretty bad."

Starting December 22, 2024:

• First visit:

"Ho, %playername%!" Sammy grins as you enter the command room. "I've got somethin' for ye to be thankful for!"

"I'd be thankful for a second stomach," you say. "Or a pair or pants with an elastic waistband. Oof."

"...Have ye been eating the opposition?"

"Should I not be? They're basically all food. urp"

"Aye, well. It's a choice, I 'spose. Pirates've done crazier things'n that ta seem fearsome, so I guess I can't judge. Anyway, we've located the boss fer ye!"

"Oh jeez, it isn't another weirdly powerful old man, is it?"

"Nay, just a reg'lar fella. He has got a big hat though, so be mindful o' that. Scouts said ye can't miss 'im."

• After defeating Jedediah and Boiling Cloud:

"Arrr! Bravo, matey!" Sammy cheers as you enter the command room, and does a sprightly little jig on the map table. "I hear tell ye gave them scallywags somethin' ta really be thankful for! ...Um, except, the opposite of that, like."

"I'm certainly thankful they weren't tougher opponents," you say.

"Aye, that makes more sense as a thing to say, yarrr. An' I'm thankful to have such a tough an' stalwart fighter on me crew, matey!"

"Aw, thanks, Sammy. And I'm thankful to have such a cute and fun cap'n."

"Oh! G'wan wit' ye. Get on out o' here afore ye make me blush!"

Starting December 23, 2024:

• First visit:

"Hoo-boy," Sammy says as she draws in the last island on the map. "I think this is gonna be the big one, matey."

"What do you mean?" you ask.

"Well, it's nearly Crimbo proper, aye? We deal with this one last challenger, an' we'll be King o' the Hill, so ta speak. But -- well, here, one o' the lookouts took a photo."

She hands you a photograph of an island covered in snow, with spruce trees bedecked with silver garland and sparkling multicolored lights. Smoke curls out of the chimneys of little cottages, and... it's hard to tell from the distance, but are those elves running around?

"This... this looks just like Crimbo Town," you say.

"Aye. Someone's comin' after Crimbo specifically. Not just to knock us down, but to take our place. This one's personal."

Starting December 24, 2024:

• First visit:

"Well, %playername%," Sammy says, "the scouts've confirmed the boss's location..."

"Is it that weird dark part of the island where all the trees are dead?"

"Aye, it is! How'd you know?"

"Oh, lucky guess. It's weird, though -- why would it be all scary like that, if they're trying to take Crimbo's place as the big festive toys-and-good-cheer holiday?"

Sammy shrugs. "Got me, matey. Somethin' ta do with the boss's state o' mind, I reckon? I ain't an expert on these matters. You'll just have ta go an' see."

• After defeating "Santa Claus":

"Ye did it!" Sammy cheers, jumping up and down excitedly. "Ye did it, matey! Ye sent that scurvy dog runnin' with 'is tail 'tween 'is legs! Ha ha ha! Who's the best winter festival of mirth and gift-giving? It's Crimbo, matey! Yarrrr!"

"Heck yeah!" you say, giving Sammy a high-five. "I don't even get what that guy was talking about, calling Crimbo a 'parody' and stuff. The words aren't even very similar, apart from starting with C."

"Ahh, he's just jealous 'coz 'is holiday ain't as cool as ours! I bet he don't ever 'ave weird monsters to fight! Or pirates, or nothin!"

"Yeah, stuff that loser," you say, nodding.

Starting December 25, 2024, if all five bosses are defeated:

"Well blow me down," Sammy says, her eyes widening. "That means... that's all of 'em! Ye defeated all the other holidays, matey!"

"Oh huh!" you say. "Yeah, I guess I did! So does that mean..."

"We win!!" Sammy jumps up on the table and starts dancing a jig. "Crimbo's the best holiday out of all of 'em! All that holiday energy is ours fer plunderin'! We're in the big leagues! Yarrr!"

"Does that mean Pirate Crimbo is official?"

"Aye!! Well -- this year, at least. Next year, who knows? Pirates ain't got the best attention spans. 'Less maybe that's just me. An' anyway, all that theme stuff is really up to Abuela Crimbo. But this year, it's Pirate Crimbo all right! Break out the egggrog, matey! Yo ho ho!"

"Oh jeez," you say. "I'd forgotten about the egggrog. Oof."

"Ha ha ha! Too late ta go back on it now!"

Subsequent visits on any given day:

"Yarrr, Cap'n Sammy," you say as you enter the command room. "Is there any news? Did you know 'news' originated as the plural of a noun version of 'new', so you'd actually say 'are there any news?' That was originally going to be a joke, but I looked it up and it's actually true."

"I... no," Sammy says. "Lemme check my notes an' see if ye've any outstanding business."

"All my business is outstanding," you reply.

If you have not yet defeated one or more holiday bosses that the scouts have found:

You still haven't vanquished [the Easter Island Bunny or St. Patrick or Colonel Brando or Jedediah or "Santa Claus"]. (as applicable)

If there are no additional tasks yet to be completed:

"Nope, looks like yer dance card's empty, matey. Come back an' check again tomorrow, aye?"