Dr. Awkward's Office
For the version of this encounter before the Palindome revamp on February 28, 2014, see Drawn Onward/Retired.
Dr. Awkward's Office is located in The Palindome on the right side of the dome, after reading "I Love Me, Vol. I".
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The door to Dr. Awkward's office opens, not into an office, but into a small antechamber with no visible exits other than the door you just came in.
The back wall has a curious display -- a column of four empty photo frames. You dig through your bag to see if you have any photographs that look like they'd fit in the frames...
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- Without the correct placement of items on shelves:
Nothing seems to happen, so you pick your stuff back up and head elsewhere.
- With the correct placement of items on shelves:
As you finish placing the photographs in the frames, you hear a loud rumbling noise. A section of the wall slides sideways, revealing a tall, narrow niche behind the stonework, and in the niche stands the Staff of Fats. Excitedly, you reach for it, but just then there is a shout behind you: "Stop, spots!"
You spin around to see a bald man in spectacles and a very severe black trench coat striding toward you. "Stop! Nine myriad murmur! Put up rum -- rum, dairymen! In pots!"
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking ab-- ow!" (That's where he clubbed you on the head.)
"Draw, o coward!" he hisses, as he pulls a thin rapier from his cane and advances on you.
"Oh, it's on, buddy."
You ready your weapon and charge forward, only to trip over your own feet and fall on your face. "O tarts! A castrato!" laughs the sinister figure. You stand, growling, and launch yourself at him again, with much the same result. It's as though all your aptitudes and reflexes have been drained by his evil presence!
He leaves you beaten to a pulp and strides away with the Staff of Fats, chuckling evilly. Jerk.
 | You lose all hit points. |
But wait... what's this? He seems to have dropped the second volume of his autobiography...
 | You acquire an item: "2 Love Me, Vol. 2" |
- Afterwards, when HP is at 0:
You're too beaten-up to pick a fight right now.
- Afterwards, before reading "2 Love Me, Vol. 2" and before visiting Mr. Alarm's Office:
No, you got your ass pretty comprehensively kicked the last time you went in there. You clearly need to do some preparation first. Maybe that book he dropped will offer some insight.
- After visiting Mr. Alarm's Office, before acquiring the Mega Gem:
You should get that counter-charm from Mr. Alarm before you try fighting Dr. Awkward again.
- After acquiring the Mega Gem, but not having it equipped:
You need to be wearing the Mega Gem if you want to get past Dr. Awkward's clumsiness field.
- With 0 adventures left:
You don't have time to pick a fight right now.
- With the Mega Gem equipped:
 Dr. Awkward  -- (edit metadata)
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Birdo  -- (edit metadata)
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Tobias J. Saibot  -- (edit metadata)
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| Dr. Awkward, who is on fire -- (edit metadata)
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| suruasaurus -- (edit metadata)
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- With the correct placement of items on shelves, in an Actually Ed the Undying ascension:
Just as you finish placing the photos in the frames, you hear a loud grinding noise. The entire wall slides away with a rumble, revealing a tall, narrow niche behind the stonework -- just the right size and shape to hide the Staff of Fats. You start to place it in its receptacle, but just then there is a shout behind you: "Not so, Boston!"
You spin around to see a bald man in spectacles and a very severe black trench coat (and a very severe black eye to match) striding toward you. "Swap God for a janitor!" he shouts, drawing a sword from his cane. "Rot in a jar of dog paws!"
You thump him on the head with the Staff of Fats (why is it called that, anyway?), adding another crease to his already badly-creased bowler hat. He staggers back in shock.
"Egad!" he gasps. "A base tone denotes a bad age!"
"Yeah, that's right," you growl at him. "I'm not affected by whatever crazy magical field you're projecting. Except for how it makes my teeth itch. I'm here to return the part of my Staff that <playername> 'borrowed' from you."
"Borrow?" he grumbles. "Or rob?"
"However you want to call it, you screwed up, buddy."
"I'm a fool; aloof am I." He bows deeply, clearly ashamed.
"I'm glad you've realized your error." You toss him the Staff. "I shouldn't even give you a second chance, but you're weird, and I like that. Now, let me hear you say it won't happen again."
"No," he says firmly. "It never propagates, if I set a gap or prevention."
"Good. If it does, I'll melt the flesh right off your bones and use your howling skeleton as a windchime."
"Ere hypocrisies or poses are in, my hymn I erase. So prose I, sir, copy here."
"...Right. Cool."
- After defeating Dr. Awkward:
Dr. Awkward's office is empty now.
Notes
- The correct order is hinted at in Your father's MacGuffin diary. The solution is:
- Shelf #1 -- photograph of God
- Shelf #2 -- photograph of a red nugget
- Shelf #3 -- photograph of a dog
- Shelf #4 -- photograph of an ostrich egg
- You lose the quest items once you place the items in the proper order.
- Once you place the items in the right order and lose all your HP, you receive 4 adventures of Beaten Up after you lose all HP, instead of the usual 3.
- In an Actually Ed the Undying ascension, the quest is complete once you place the items correctly and confront Dr. Awkward.
