Video Game Minion (troll)

Troll minion
Monster ID	unknown
Locations	The GameInformPowerDailyPro Dungeon
Hit Points	75% of Defense
Attack	Scales with player's Moxie
Defense	Scales with player's Muscle
Initiative	0
Meat	None
Phylum	construct
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	body
Drops	2 GIPDP items
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a troll minion

What's the difference between a troll and a goblin, really? I guess a troll is bigger. Troll > orc > goblin. What about an ogre? Ogre > troll > orc > goblin? Ogre > troll > orc > hobgoblin > goblin > kobold. Wait, Wikipedia says hobgoblins are bigger than orcs! That's surprising. Also, I forgot about gnolls. Wait, gnolls aren't goblinoids, they're like hyena men. Are kobolds goblinoids? Probably not, they're like lizard-dog-men, right? So ogre > troll > hobgoblin > orc > goblin. Is a bugbear bigger or smaller than an ogre?

Oh, hey, jeez, I totally forgot to tell you -- you're being attacked by a troll.

or

As you turn the corner, you are suddenly attacked by a troll. You can tell he's a troll by the face he's making, and the fact that you want to smash said face in even more than usual.

or

A large gray troll is sitting casually on the ground. As you approach, he holds up a cardboard sign: "Will declaw and/or circumcise retarded cats for food."

"Look," you say, "I know that's just supposed to get a rise out of me, and I'm not falling for it."

"Nice tits, fatty," he replies. You draw your weapon and charge.

Hit Message(s):

He realizes words will never hurt you, so he attacks with sticks and stones. Argh! Eek! Ow! Ooh!

He hits you with a post (an original one), then calls you a homophobic slur. Ow! Ow! Oof! Oof!

He smacks you upside the foot with his club, just to tick you off (and hurt you a lot). Ugh! Oof! Ugh! Ooh!

He insults you so hard that you cry until you have a headache. Ouch! Oof! Ooh! Ow!

He chomps your <ear>, exacting a hefty troll toll. Ouch! Eek! Ugh! Ooh!

He kicks you with his grotty troll feet, hurting and possibly giving you an infection. Eek! Ouch! Oof! Oof!

He starts an argument with you that makes you facepalm so hard you bruise yourself. Ow! Ooh! Eek! Eek!

He demands that you feed him, and when you refuse he boxes your ears. Argh! Ow! Eek! Argh!

He hits you with a monstrous club. Someday, he should release a CD of Club Hits. Eek! Ugh! Oof! Argh!

He enrages you so much that you pop a blood vessel in your brain. Argh! Argh! Ouch! Ow!

Critical Hit Message:

He hits you with a monstrous club. Someday, he should release a CD of Club Hits. (CRITICAL HIT!) Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Eek!

Miss Message(s):

He throws some sticks and stones at you, but you don't let them break your bones.

He tries to kick you in the groin and make you rise into the air, but you're determined not to let him get a rise out of you.

He starts to insult you, but you remind him of Wheaton's Law.

He demands that you feed him, but you refuse.

The troll grins obnoxiously at you. "U mad, bro?" it asks.

He insults you, but you shrug it off. No one who looks like him and smells like him has a right to insult anyone.

You tell him that no, you're not mad, you're just disappointed.

He tries to punch you in the <ear>, but you ignore him and he loses power.

He tries to hit you with his club, but you're not into club hits.

Fumble Message:

The troll grins obnoxiously at you. "U mad, bro?" it asks. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]

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Occurs at The GameInformPowerDailyPro Dungeon.

Notes

• Will drop up to 1 of each of the items selected to drop on the level.
• The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
  • Names follow the pattern of: ?
  • Introductions are listed above.
  • Images are randomly any of the following:

GameInformPowerDailyPro Minion Drops

Type Level 1 Level 2 Level 3 Booze tankard of ale bottle of wine shining goblet Food slice of pizza hamburger whole roasted chicken Combat Item vial of holy water round blue bomb fireball Meat Generator huge gold coin dollar-sign bag massive gemstone HP Restorer cartoon heart red potion extra-strength red potion MP Restorer gold star blue potion fancy blue potion Weapon iron dagger steel sword flaming sword Helm green cloth cap iron helmet gold crown

References

• This monster is a pastiche of mythological trolls and Internet trolls. References to the latter include "the face he's making" and "U mad, bro?"
• Wheaton's Law is: "Don't be a dick".
• The first hit & miss messages refer to the children's rhyme of Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.