Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

Description

The Council of Loathing sends you on a mission to recover the Holy MacGuffin.

Tasks

• Adventure in The Black Forest until you find sunken eyes, broken wings, and the black market map.
• Combine the eyes and wings to make a reassembled blackbird. Use it to get the Reassembled Blackbird familiar. Set it to your active familiar, then use the map. Note: You lose the Reassembled Blackbird after using the map, and cannot obtain another one for the rest of the current ascension.
• Buy the forged identification documents and a can of black paint at The Black Market for 5,000 and 1,000 Meat respectively.
• Vacation at The Shore until you get Covert Operations, which will give you your father's MacGuffin diary.
• Read your entire father's journal to add the four parts of the Holy MacGuffin quest to your quest log and to read background and hints. You will need to go to explore the Palindome, Spookyraven Manor, and the Hidden Temple to reassemble the Staff of Ed, and venture into the The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert to find the The Ancient Buried Pyramid.

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Hidden Temple quest (Gotta Worship Them All)

• Open the path to The Hidden Temple. Buy some cheap restoratives from town; they will be needed to keep adventuring in here.
• After reading the diary, adventure in the Temple until you reach At Least It's Not Full Of Trash -- pick the middle choice (Raise your hands up towards the heavens), hinted at in your father's journal.
• Adventure again in the Temple until you encounter a 9x7 spelling puzzle Dvorak's Revenge. The word to spell out is "bananas".
• Adventure a third time until you encounter No Visible Means of Support and pick the last choice (Do nothing).
• This unlocks The Hidden City location in the Distant Woods.
• Explore each part of the Hidden City until you encounter four ancient protector spirits (all four are physically immune and cannot be CLEESHed). Each spirit will drop one of the following: the cracked stone sphere, the mossy stone sphere, the rough stone sphere or the smooth stone sphere. Note: There is a fifth ancient protector spirit who will drop an obsidian dagger, but this spirit is optional. To harm the spirits, use items, skills, or weapons that deal elemental damage.
  • Optionally, adventure until you encounter a dead archaeologist, whose notebook may help with sphere placement.
• Use each of the four stones in combat and note their messages. These messages will be the key to which altar you should put the stone in. Note that the messages may not be the same after ascending, you still need to check which message shows in battle every ascension.
• Go to the four altars. Each altar will give you a triangular stone if the correct stone sphere is placed in it; if you place the wrong stone sphere in an altar, however, you will lose either 3 adventures or the remainder of those available to you, whichever is fewer, and suffer Hardly Poisoned at All. The archaeologist's notebook will give some clues on how to match up the spheres to the altars, but it is also necessary to look at the messages a sphere gives you when used in combat:

Combat Light Colour	Altar	God Type	Picture
Red	Charcoatl	God of fire and war
Yellow	Pikachutlotal	God of thunder and lightning
Green	Bulbazinalli	God of plants and nature
Blue	Squirtlcthulli	God of water and doorknobs

• Once you acquire all four triangular stones, enter A Smallish Temple. Fight the Protector Spectre (another physically immune monster) and you'll obtain the spectre scepter and the ancient amulet.

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Spooky Raven quest (In a Manor of Spooking)

Portions of this will have already been opened if you've completed the Spookyraven Manor Quest.

• If you haven't unlocked Spookyraven Manor yet, adventure in The Haunted Pantry until you receive The Manor in Which You're Accustomed.
• If you have not unlocked the upper floor of Spookyraven Manor, proceed with the following:
  • Adventure in the The Haunted Billiards Room until you obtain a handful of hand chalk and a pool cue.
  • Use the handful of hand chalk to obtain the effect Chalky Hand.
  • Adventure in The Haunted Billiards Room until you get the adventure Minnesota Incorporeals. Choose to let the ghost break, then choose to go for a solid ball, then choose to go for the 8 ball. You will obtain the Spookyraven library key.
  • Adventure in The Haunted Library until you get the adventure Take a Look, it's in a Book! (either variant of this adventure). Click on the image of the 3rd book from the left on the top shelf. This grants access to Spookyraven Manor, Second Floor.
• Adventure in the The Haunted Bedroom until you obtain the Spookyraven ballroom key and Lord Spookyraven's spectacles. The spectacles are obtained in a special adventure One Nightstand (Ornate). Choose the adventure: Look behind the nightstand.
• Adventure in The Haunted Ballroom until you play We'll All Be Flat.
• Equip Lord Spookyraven's spectacles (only required for first Ascension).
• Go to the first floor, then down to Spookyraven Manor Wine Cellar where you should see Wine Cellar Glyphs on the wall. You will need one dusty bottle of wine corresponding to each glyph. The wines are a dusty bottle of Marsala, a dusty bottle of Merlot, a dusty bottle of Muscat, a dusty bottle of Pinot Noir, a dusty bottle of Port, and a dusty bottle of Zinfandel. You can only see glyphs in the in-game description pop-up while wearing Lord Spookyraven's spectacles (first Ascension only; spectacles in inventory suffice for subsequent runs). The glyphs corresponding to the wines are randomized each ascension.
• Fight among the Wine Racks until you have enough wine. Each corner drops only three distinct types of wine, as described on the location page.
• Pour wine down the hole at the Wine Cellar Glyphs in the order noted by the glyph pattern: the top, left, then right glyph. If you make a mistake, you will be Majorly Poisoned for 10 adventures and need to replace any bottles you spent that are necessary.
• Fight Lord Spookyraven in the Summoning Chamber. His attacks do slightly more or less than your current HP in damage. As all of his attacks are elemental, Elemental Resistance is very helpful. He is a spooky elemental so hot and stench attacks are very effective. Using a bronzed locust from The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert to reduce monster level drastically at the beginning of combat is also very effective. Beating Lord Spookyraven will reward you with the Eye of Ed and Lord Spookyraven's ear trumpet.

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The Palindome (Never Odd Or Even)

• Unlock The Poop Deck by completing the Cap'm Caronch Quest.
• Adventure in The Poop Deck in the Obligatory Pirate's Cove until you get It's Always Swordfish, which unlocks Belowdecks.
• Adventure Belowdecks until you get 2 gaudy keys.
• Use the keys to get two snakehead charrrms and meatpaste them into a Talisman o' Nam.
• Equip the Talisman o' Nam to open the path to the Palindome.
• Adventure in the Palindome until you obtain a ketchup hound and receive these three non-combat adventures:
  • Rod Nevada, Vendor, which will give you hard rock candy.
  • Do Geese See God?, which will give you a photograph of God.
  • Last Egg Gets Al, which will give you a hard-boiled ostrich egg.
• These adventures are superlikely (not affected by combat frequency modifiers).
• You will need stunt nuts later on so you should try to get them from Bob Racecar or Racecar Bob.
• Once you have all four items, adventure until you get the Drawn Onward non-combat adventure, where you put the four items on a shelf in this order:
  • Shelf #1: photograph of God
  • Shelf #2: hard rock candy
  • Shelf #3: ketchup hound
  • Shelf #4: hard-boiled ostrich egg
• You will lose all your hit points and receive 4 adventures of beaten up after placing the items on the shelf, and get a diary, "I Love Me, Vol. I".
• Adventure in Whitey's Grove until you get a bird rib from a whitesnake and some lion oil from a white lion. Cook them together to get wet stew, and then cook that with stunt nuts from the Palindome to get wet stunt nut stew.
• After reading the diary and cooking the wet stunt nut stew, adventure in the Laboratory in Cobb's Knob until you meet Mr. Alarm. He'll give you a Mega Gem in exchange for the stew.
• Equip the Mega Gem and go back to the Palindome to fight Dr. Awkward (pick any choice from the options to fight him). Defeating him yields the Staff of Fats and the Drowsy Sword.

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Pyramid quest (A Pyramid Scheme)

• Adventure in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert until you get the trader gnome; haggle with him, do NOT pay the 5000 meat. Be forewarned: it could be awhile before you see the gnome (but typically not longer than a few adventures). This unlocks An Oasis.
• Go to An Oasis to receive the Glug, Glug, Glug adventure to become Ultrahydrated. Or, have a ten-leaf clover in your inventory then go to An Oasis, to receive the Some Things Never Change adventure.
  • NOTE: After the Oasis is unlocked, you will want to make sure you stay Ultrahydrated at ALL times while adventuring in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert, or else you simply encounter negative effect adventures (like the ones you found when trying to unlock the Oasis.)
• Go back to The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert and adventure until you encounter A Sietch in Time to talk to Gnasir the gnome, who now wants a stone rose, which can be found in the Oasis.
• If you haven't done so already, buy a can of black paint in The Black Market (for the next adventure).
• Adventure in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert until you encounter No Colors Anymore to speak with Gnasir again. He will ask you to paint his door black, which you will do if you have the can of black paint.
  • If you didn't buy the paint already, do so now. Then adventure in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert until you encounter Still No Colors Anymore to find that Gnasir needs time to talk with the tribe.
• Adventure in An Oasis to find a drum machine if you didn't get one earlier.
• Adventure again in The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert until you meet Gnasir in Walk Without Rhythm, where he will ask you for a drum machine, which he will return to you to use later. If you already have the drum machine, he will then ask for 15 manual pages and you can go directly to the oasis (skipping Walk Without Rhythm 2).
  • If you didn't get the drum machine before, adventure in An Oasis until you find one. Then adventure in the desert until you find Gnasir again with Walk Without Rhythm 2.
• Go back to An Oasis to get the pages in three separate adventures:
  • Blowin' in the Wind (page 1) gives you worm-riding manual page 1
  • Blowin' in the Wind (page 2) gives you worm-riding manual page 2
  • Blowin' in the Wind (pages 3-15) gives you worm-riding manual pages 3-15
• Once you acquire them all return to The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert and when you encounter Gnasir in The Sleeper Has Awakened, Give the 15 pages to him in exchange for worm-riding hooks.
• With the worm-riding hooks in your inventory (you do not need to equip them), use the drum machine to open The Ancient Buried Pyramid.

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The Ancient Buried Pyramid

• Paste the ancient amulet to the Eye of Ed to obtain the headpiece of the Staff of Ed. Then paste the headpiece to the Staff of Fats to get the Staff of Ed. Alternatively, paste the ancient amulet to the Staff of Fats to obtain Staff of Ed, almost. Then paste the Eye of Ed to the Staff of Ed, almost to get the Staff of Ed.
• Unlock A Small Pyramid by equipping worm-riding hooks and using a drum machine.
• Go to A Small Pyramid in the beach with the Staff of Ed in your inventory. This unlocks the trap door to the The Ancient Buried Pyramid.
• Do one of the following:
  • In The Ancient Buried Pyramid, adventure in The Upper Chamber until you find a carved wooden wheel. You may wish to buy anti-anti-antidotes and/or equip a giant pinky ring or better yet equip a Bezoar ring; the Really Quite Poisoned effect can make normal combat very difficult. Then adventure in The Middle Chamber until you encounter the Wheel in the Pyramid, Keep on Turning non-combat.
  • Obtain a tomb ratchet in The Upper Chamber and use it. At this stage the ratchet will only drop if you have ascended at least once, forcing you to acquire the wheel if you do not purchase a ratchet from the mall.
• For each tomb ratchet you use, or each time you spin the wheel, the Lower Chambers change. If you the first option above, the first ratchet you use will discover the wheel rather than turning it. Adventure in the Lower Chambers when the following rooms are visible (Note: Do not adventure on the lowest floor when either room has holes in the walls (black spots), or you will lose the items you've collected; bombing the rubble without an empty room will also cause a restart):
  • Rotate 3 times (with any combination of ratchets or wheels) to get the room with bucket on the left, and empty room on the right to obtain an ancient bronze token
  • Rotate 4 more times (with any combination of ratchets or wheels) to get the pile of rocks on the left, vending machine on the right to obtain an ancient bomb in exchange for the token
  • Rotate 3 more times (with any combination of ratchets or wheels) to get the empty room on the left, and pile of rocks on the right to open the burial chamber
• An epic final battle with Ed the Undying awaits you in the burial chamber. Undying isn't just a fancy title -- Ed will take seven adventures of fighting to put down for good. If you get beaten up or run away, you'll have to fight him from the beginning again. When entering the burial chamber with less than seven adventures, you get the message:

  "Something tells you the last bit of this is going to take a long time. Come back when you've got more Adventures to spare."

• Once you finally beat him, you can take the Holy MacGuffin and return to the council for your reward.

Rewards

• A handful of confetti. Yay.
• In your Quest Log under completed quests you will see: "You've handed the Holy MacGuffin over the the Council, and enjoyed a ticker-tape parade in your honor. That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!"

Text

Council Text

On initial visit:

Ah, <name>, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist, has gone missing. Apparently, his life's work was to track down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself.

You can travel there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and our passport offices are temporarily closed due to a tiny photograph shortage. You'll need to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market instead, but we're not entirely sure where the Black Market actually is. It's probably near the Black Forest, though, and we'll mark that on your map for you.

Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to us in our fight against the Naughty Sorceress and the other evils that plague our land. Good luck!

On subsequent visits:

Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd apprecate it if you'd get on that right away.

Upon Completion:

"Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, <name>? That's pretty darn impressive -- well done! Now we can pack it in an unlabelled wooden crate and stash it in a secret warehouse full of similar crates somewhere where it's likely that no one will ever see it again. Thanks for your help!"

"That's it?" you ask. "That's pretty anti-climactic."

"Yeah, you're probably right. You like parades? We could throw a parade."

"Sure."

And one quick (though enjoyable) tickertape parade later, you're standing back in front of the Council Hall, picking bits of confetti out of your hair and wondering what you should do next.

You acquire an item: handful of confetti

Quest Log

Initial text: <name> and the Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

The Council has instructed you to collect your father's archaeology notes from Distant Lands, and use them to hunt down the Holy MacGuffin. Your first step is to find the Black Market, to get some forged ID.

After finding the Black Market:

You've found the Black Market... now to hit the Travel Agency and get yourself on a slow boat to China. I mean, Distant Lands.

After obtaining your father's Holy MacGuffin diary:

You've picked up your father's diary, and things just got a whole lot more complicated. Oh dear.

After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:

Gotta Worship Them All

You father seemed to think the hidden temple in the Distant Woods might be guarding part of the Staff of Ed. I hope you've got your lucky fedora with you.

After passing the first test:

You've cunningly evaded one of the Hidden Temple's traps. But what else lies in store? cue ominous music

After passing the second test:

Having proved that you ain't no hollaback girl, there's just one more trap to go. Pity dad never got around to translating that last passage...

After opening the Hidden City:

Awesome, you've evaded all of the temple's traps! Of course, it turned out that getting the piece of the Staff of Ed isn't going to be nearly that easy, but you were probably expecting that anyway. If you weren't, well, sorry.

After completing defeating the Protector Spectre (subquest complete):

You've defeated the ancient ghost of an ancient mummy of an ancient high priest and claimed his ancient amulet! Go you!

After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:

Never Odd Or Even

If you're going to get the Staff of Fats, it looks like the first step is to get into the Palindome. Maybe it has something to do with that amulet your father mentioned in his diary?

After opening the Palindome:

Congratulations, you've discovered the fabulous Palindome, rumored to be the final resting place of the legendary Staff of Fats! Now all you have to do is find it...

After encountering Dr. Awkward:

Well, you found the Staff of Fats, but then you lost it again. Good going. Looks like you're going to have to track down this Mr. Alarm guy for help...

After talking to Mr. Alarm:

Mr. Alan Alarm has agreed to help you nullify Dr. Awkward's ineptitude field (patent pending), but wants some wet stew in return. Those ingredients again: lion oil, a bird rib, and some stunt nuts. Sounds delicious!

After returning with the wet stunt nut stew:

Oh yeah, you've got the Mega Gem, and are ready to deliver some pain to Dr. Awkward. They call you the bus driver, because you're gonna beat the hell out of that guy.

After defeating Dr. Awkward (subquest complete):

Congratulations, you've recovered the long-lost Staff of Fats!

Nice Work!

After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:

In a Manor of Spooking

Your father's notes indicate that the gem from the Staff of Ed is probably hidden in a Seaside Town mansion. At a guess, you figure Spookyraven Manor is probably your best bet.

After unlocking the basement:

You've unlocked the wine cellar in Spookyraven Manor. What are the chances there's a secret door hidden somewhere? Yeah, probably about one in one.

After opening the summoning chamber:

You've found Lord Spookyraven's secret black magic laboratory. When you're done with him, he'll be doing black and blue magic.

After defeating Lord Spookyraven (subquest complete):

You've defeated Lord Spookyraven and claimed the Eye of Ed! Huzzah!

After reading your father's Holy MacGuffin Diary:

A Pyramid Scheme

Your father's diary indicates that the key to finding the Holy MacGuffin is hidden somewhere in the desert. I hope you've got your walking shoes on.

After finding An Oasis:

You've managed to stumble upon a hidden oasis out in the desert. That should help make your desert explorations a little less... dry.

After meeting Gnasir:

The fremegn leader Gnasir has tasked you with finding a stone rose, at his abandoned encampment near the oasis. Apparently it's an ancient symbol of his tribe or something, I dunno, whatever. He's not gonna help you unless you get it for him, though.

After returning with the stone rose:

Gnasir has asked you to prove your honor and dedication to the tribe by painting his front door black. A menial task to be sure, but at least it's not dangerous.

Well, unless you're really allergic to paint fumes or something.

After painting Gnasir's door:

Gnasir seemed satisfied with the tasks you performed for his tribe, and has asked you to come back later.

...

Okay, that's probably long enough.

After talking to Gnasir again:

For your worm-riding training, you need to find a 'thumper', something that produces a rhythmic vibration to summon sandworms.

It's unlikely that we're talking about bunny rabbits here.

After finding a drum kit and returning to Gnasir:

You need to find fifteen missing pages from Gnasir's worm-riding manual. Have fun!

After finding the first manual page:

One worm-riding manual page down, fourteen to go.

After finding the second manual page:

Two worm-riding manual pages down, thirteen to go. Sigh.

After returning to Gnasir with all 15 pages:

You've earned your hooks and are ready to ride the worm. Literally, not in the South-of-the-Border sense.

After riding a worm to the pyramid:

One excitingly-described worm-ride later, you've found the little pyramid with the map of Seaside Town inside. Looks like you're going to need the Staff of Ed to get the location of the Holy MacGuffin's hiding place.

After opening the pyramid with the Staff of Ed:

You've found the hidden buried pyramid that guards the Holy MacGuffin. You're so close you can almost taste it! (In a figurative sense, I mean -- I don't recommend you go around licking things you find in ancient tombs.)

After beating Ed the Undying and recovering the Holy MacGuffin:

The mighty Ed the Undying has fallen! You recovered the Holy MacGuffin! Jolly good show, mate!

Completion text:

<name> and the Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

You've handed the Holy MacGuffin over the the Council, and enjoyed a ticker-tape parade in your honor. That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!

Notes

• This quest becomes available from The Council of Loathing when you become level 11.

References

• "MacGuffin" is a term popularized by Alfred Hitchcock; a MacGuffin is a plot device which is an object that motivates characters but is itself unimportant to the story.
• The name of this quest is a reference to the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail (sometimes called Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail), which is based upon "The Death of Arthur," more commonly known as part of the Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table legends. The fact that your father is looking for it refers to the film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, in which Indiana Jones's father was searching for the Holy Grail.
• The name of the quest may also be a reference to a story arc of the webcomic Goats in which some of the characters steal an artifact called "The Holy MacGuffin" from the Metropolitan Museum of Art. After their theft, they mention trying to sell it on the black market -- a Kingdom of Loathing location which has a prominent role in this quest. The story arc in question starts here.
• The way you reveal the staircase by focusing sunlight through an amulet references Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indiana Jones also focuses light through an amulet to find the location of the Ark. The Council's remarks about placing the MacGuffin in an unlabeled wooden crate in a secret warehouse somewhere is a reference to the ending of the same movie.
• The name of the first part ("Gotta Worship 'Em All!") is a reference to the Pokémon catchphrase "Gotta Catch 'Em All!" Additionally, Pokémon names like Pikachu, Squirtle, Charmander and Bulbasaur are parodied by Pikachutlotal, Squirtlcthulli, Charcoatl and Bulbazinalli respectively.
• The stones, the necessity to put them into recesses on altars, the coloured light they emit, the choice of colours, and the triangular stones you obtain as a result may all be a reference to The Fifth Element
• The name of the third quest (Never Odd Or Even) is a Palindrome and might be a reference to the Weird Al Yancovic song "Bob".
• In the fourth part ("A Pyramid Scheme"), the riding sandworms with hooks comes from a Frank Herbert novel Dune.
• In the real world, a Pyramid Scheme is a get-rich-quick scheme that doesn't work, so called because one person scams two, who, in turn, and to make up for their losses, scam four, who scam eight, etc.
• The Quest Log entry "It's unlikely that we're talking about bunny rabbits here" when you need a drum machine is a reference to Thumper the rabbit from the Disney movie Bambi.
• The Quest Log entry about rabbits that is mentioned above could also be a reference to the Energizer Bunny.
• The Quest Log entry "They call you the bus driver, because you're gonna beat the hell out of that guy." is a parody of a common boastful saying, "You can call me the bus driver, because I just took you to school."
• The final Quest Log entry "That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!" refers to the fact that this is the Level 11 quest.
• The Council text about a "slow boat to China" is a nod to a Frank Loesser tune, "(I'd Like to Get You on a) Slow Boat to China", which is also mentioned in the first verse of the "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego" theme song by Rockapella.