KWE Back Room
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The Back Room is located in John Wilke's Booth and is used to send gifts to the wrestler of your choice, provided they are in an upcoming match. How these gifts will be used is yet to be seen, but it can be assumed they will have some outcome on the match. As gifts are donated, the payout for that wrestler in the booth seems to go down.
- If you have no items in Hagnk's:
- You follow John Wilke to a small, dimly lit room behind his booth. There's a counter with gift wrap, scissors, and tape lying out on it. "You just pick what you want to put in the gift," John Wilke says, "and I'll wrap it up and deliver it for you. You can send 'em whatever you want for just 100 meat."
<quantity box><itemlist dropdown box>
Meat to pay for the gift package will come from your on-hand meat/Hagnk's.
(Send Gift)
- If you have items in Hagnk's:
- You follow John Wilke to a small, dimly lit room behind his booth. There's a counter with gift wrap, scissors, and tape lying out on it. "You just pick what you want to put in the gift," John Wilke says, "and I'll wrap it up and deliver it for you. Or, if your stuff's in Hagnk's, I'll have Godot's Delivery Service make the delivery. You can send 'em whatever you want for just 100 meat."
Send Items from <dropdownbox>:Your Inventory/Hagnk's Ancestral Mini-Storage
Wrestler <dropdownbox> Pick a wrestler
<quantity box><itemlist dropdown box>
Meat to pay for the gift package will come from your on-hand meat/Hagnk's.
(Send Gift)
Sending a Gift
When you select an item for the person it sends a gift and gives you a letter based on both: they type of item you sent, and the wrestler you sent it to. You may only send consumable items or equipable items. There are eight categories of responses: Weapon, armor, food, booze, beer, cordial, spleen and unknown. Hats, Pants (and presumably) Shirts give the "Armor" message. The lightest drinks give the "Beer" response (this includes mixing beer with things), harder liquor gives the "Booze" response, hard liquor mixed gives the "Cordial" response. Any stat-boosting item nets you the "Spleen" response. Any Miscellaneous Consumable items Off-Hand items or Accessories fall under the "Unknown" category. Special messages are given when a specific item is given to a certain fighter.
- If you send the item from your inventory:
- You pick the items you want and give them to John Wilke. He wraps them up, opens the back door to the booth, and dashes off to the KWE arena. You're able to say "Jack Robinson" at least three times before he returns.
- "All done!" he says, wiping sweat off his brow. "Oh, they sent this letter back for you. I guess your lonely days are gone."
- If you send the item from storage:
- You tell John Wilke which items in storage you want to send to <wrestler name>. He picks up the phone and calls Godot's Delivery Service. Before he can hang up the phone, the delivery man knocks on the door.
- "I've delivered the package, sir," he says, saluting. "<wrestler name> sent this letter in response."
- To: <your name>
- From: <wrestler name>
- Weapon:
- Now, kinder, why would you think a big strong wrestler needs a weapon to win a match? I don't need it, but I will use it just because it is a gift from you, mein friend.
- Armor:
- Meinekleine friend, I don't know if this will fit on my big, strong wrestler's body! But I will try. Some mean people called bookies are saying Das ÜberKühlraum needs all the help he can get!
- Food:
- Yes, mein little friend, this is just what Das Überkühlraum needs! A little food for me. Very little, it looks like. Ha! A little joke, ja? Very little, it looks like.
- Cordial:
- Ah, very good! This magic drink will make Das Überkühlraum very happy. Just remember that these drinks are for grown-ups only! Kinder who want to grow up to be big, strong wrestlers should not drink them. Wait until you are a big, strong wrestler like me, then you can drink all you want! And believe me, you will want.
- Booze:
- Ah, hard liquor. Though kids like yourself should not drink grown-up drinks, for me this drink shall do much good. You see, sometimes, mein little friend, Das ÜberKühlraum thinks too much. This magic drink makes him stop thinking, ja?
- Beer:
- Ah, thank you for this nice glass of water! This is a little joke - though this beer is not strong and dark like the bieren of my country, surely it will get me just as drunk. If I drink three times as many. Ha! Another little joke!
- Spleen:
- Ah, a booster to my stats! Thank you, mein little friend. This will surely help me win the fight today. If you want to be big and strong like me, you should take some of these every day. And don't forget to eat your vegetables, ja? Also, do not smoke.
- Unknown:
- Thank you, mein friend! I am not sure how to use this, but I am sure I will figure it out before the big match, ja? If not, perhaps I can just throw it at my opponent!
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Food:
- Cordial:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- What, so now I've got to carry some weapon into the ring to win? Whatever, kid. Maybe this'll give me an edge, but maybe I don't need an edge! Ever think about that?
- Armor:
- Y'know, it's probably not a bad idea to wear a little protection in the ring. You know what I'm sayin', kid? Protection?
- Food:
- Oh, great, a crappy meal. This stuff will stunt your growth, kid, and I oughta know. I'll eat it, but I'm betting it goes right through me.
- Cordial:
- Hey, now this is just what the doctor ordered, kid. Say, have you ever thought about joining the Knights Templers? They're a good bunch of guys. We're running more of this show than you know, kid... better to be our friend than our enemy, if you get my drift.
- Booze:
- Ain't no way I'm drinking this, kiddo. I'm all man, you know what I mean? Look at this - it's all fruity and girly. You know what they say about guys who drink these, don'tcha? Look, I'll drink it, just don't tell anyone.
- Beer:
- Now we're talkin'. A couple of these bad boys and I'll be flying, you know what I mean? Do ya? Anyway, thanks.
- Bottle of Gin:
- All right! I like to get a little loose before a match, y'know? Lubricated, if you get my drift. This baby will do me just fine. Thanks, kid. I owe ya one.
- Spleen:
- What the hell is this, kid? You think I need to boost my stats now? You don't know that I'm the buffest, baddest wrestler out there? Give me a break, kid. This is an insult! I'll take it just to be nice, but it's an insult!
- Unknown:
- I don't even know what this thing is, kid. I'll give it to Manny, and see if he can figure it out before the match. Thanks, I guess.
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Food:
- Cordial:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- OMG kawaaaaaiiii! I ken beet the cr@p out of peeps with this! Thxxxxxxxxx! XOXOXOXXOXOXO ^____^
- Armor:
- OMG I hope this doent haid mai kawaaaaaiiii uniform!11!!!! tytytyty!!!!11!!!@@@ XOXO
- Mein:
- W000t this is gud fud!!!11!!! TYTYTYTYTY! OMG I hope I dont get phat! jk lol bai.
- Food:
- W0000t sum gud fud!!!1!!! W8, this fud is not so gud O________o. OK it prolly tastes good, tho! ThXxXxxxxx! ^_____^
- Cocktail:
- O_O OMG KAWAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!!111!!!!!111!!!!! i cant drink this it is soooo cayuuuuute!!!11!!! i feel sooooo bad drinking it!!!11!!! it tastes really good tho and is so kawaaaaaii!!!111!!! ty!!!111!!! ^_____^
- Cordial:
- OMG that wuz soooo sweeeeeeeet!1!!!!!!!1! ty u r so kewl!11!!! u might even be kewler than me (jk)!!!11!!! tttttttyyyyy!!11!!! ^_____^
- Booze:
- OMG booze!!!11!!! awesuuuum!!!11!! i cant bai booze cuz they always card me !_! ty ty and cum cheer me on, kk?!!? ttyl!!!
- Beer:
- OMG ur tew kewl!11!!! i luuuvvvv beer!!!111!!! ur such a sweeeeetie!!!11!!! make sure n cheer me on, kk?!!?!!? i <3 u ^_____^
- Spleen:
- OMG tx 4 the boost!!!111!!! im so happy i just want to dance!!!111! ty ty ur sooooo kewwwwwl!11!!! im gonna win just 4 u ^_______________^
- Unknown:
- @_@ wut duz this do?!?!!?!!?!!? I will trai and find out, kk? KTHXBAI!!!!111!!!111!!!!
- Weapon:
- I, I who have worn the intestines of the damned as bracelets need no mortal weapon! But perhaps I shall use it all the same. I'm sure I can devise some creative use for it. Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha-ha!
- Armor:
- Can you not see that my body is scantily clad in living armor? Just the same, perhaps I may cover my slightly vulnerable places with this. You have pleased me -- I will devise exquisite torments for you.
- Food:
- You dare to send this food to me? I, who have dined on the livers of the damned? Although, to be honest, the livers of the damned could use some salt. Thanks anyway.
- Cordial:
- Though I don't need any sweetness mixed in with my booze, I'll enjoy this anyway. Isn't it nice when something appears to be sweet and wholesome, like say orange juice, but then underneath it's evil and vile, like vodka? I think it's nice.
- Booze:
- What, do I look like I carry a Hello Kitty backpack? Save the cutes for somebody else, toots. I like my liquor like I like my damned souls: tortured for all eternity. Or at least not with a little umbrella in them. Unless maybe it's a barbed, poisoned umbrella pounded into their eye sockets. Hmmm... perhaps I shall drink it after all.
- Bottle of tequila:
- Yes, this will hit the spot. It makes me feel all warm inside, like I'm in the house of the dark lord designing new ways to torture damned souls. You should drink a few of these yourself. And pray to the dark lord. I find people who pray to the dark lord very, very sexy.
- Beer:
- Hm, beer. A good start down the path of the dark lord. I will drink this and you should drink several of them yourself. And start smoking, too. I always think people who smoke are very, very sexy.
- Spleen:
- Ah, one of your puny mortal stat boosters. This should make me a little bit stronger. The dark lord will be pleased. Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha-ha!
- Unknown:
- Yes... yes, this will indeed be useful in my fight! The Dark Lord himself could not have devised a better accessory! Mwa! Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha!
- Weapon: Disgusting worm, you have greatly pleased me by giving me this weapon! It is just what I need to win the match tonight. Tell me you want me to win. Get on your knees and tell me.
- Armor: Filthy pile of excrement, I need no protection in battle! Ah, but how could a worm like you understand that. You tried, worm, you tried.
- Bad Food: Your paltry offerings of cheap foodstuffs do not please me, worm! Assume the position! All right, I shall let you go this time. Lick my boots to show how grateful you are!
- Cordial: Ah, hard alcohol. So painful to drink, yet pleasurable in the stomach. I think a lot about pain and pleasure, don't you, worm? Tell me you do. Get down on your knees and tell me that you do.
- Booze: You please me, worm. In so much as a disgusting mound of flesh like yourself could please anyone, that is. You do well to send me this refreshing beverage. Now paint my house!
- Beer: Good, a little refreshment. I will take some time to relax before I crush my opponent. Make no mistake, my foes will wallow before me in the dust like the worms they are! You may lick my boots now.
- Spleen: You have done well to send me this stat booster, worm. I was going to win the match anyway, but now I will destroy my opponent! You may grovel before me if it pleases you.
- Unknown: Yes, this will give me the edge I need to thoroughly punish my opponent! You have done well, worm. You may do my laundry now.
- Weapon:
- Ooo, this is so cute! It's the perfect thing for beating my opponent completely senseless! I love it, and I love you for giving it to me!
- Armor:
- This'll keep me from getting hurt too bad tonight! I don't like getting hurt. But I do like daisies! Daisies are just so cute, don't you think? I do!
- Food:
- Wow, this looks like some tasty food! Actually, it really doesn't but I'm sure it's good 'cause you gave it to me! Don't you just love food? It's great! I can't wait to decapitate my opponent tonight!
- Cordial:
- This drink was sweet! Just like me! And like you too, since you sent it to me! I like sweet things, don't you? Chocolate and cookies and candy and flowers! Well, flowers aren't sweet, but they sure smell sweet, don't they?
- Booze:
- Oooo, this tasted nasty! But it sure made me feel all giggly! I like giggling, don't you? It makes me so happy! Not as happy as when I get to pet a baby bunny, though. Don't you like baby bunnies? I do!
- Beer:
- I suppose I shouldn't drink beer, 'cause I'm a princess and beer isn't very cute, but it sure is foamy! Bubbles are pretty! Don't you think so? I like bubbles. Not as much as butterflies, though! Butterflies are so pretty!
- Spleen:
- You sent me a stat booster! How sweet of you! Do you like puppies and kittens? I do too! I can't wait to get in the ring and stomp my opponent into a bloody mess!
- Unknown:
- This is sure to keep me from losing tonight! Not that I was going to lose, 'cause I always win 'cause I'm so cute! You know what else is cute? Narcissism!
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Food:
- Cordial:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Armor:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Food:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Cordial:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Booze:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Beer:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Spleen:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Unknown:
- *giggles* *sways back and forth* *does a back handspring* *falls on his back and convulses* *giggles*
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Food:
- Cordial:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Cordial:
- Food:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- This surely be a weapon to rival even the great soul swizzle stick! If I ever should find that lovely bauble, I'm sure to use its powers for good! Or ta make sure other pirates swing from the yarrdarrm.
- Armor:
- Yarrr, it be not sportin' to wear arrrmor in a fight! Ye must give the other swab the chance to stab ye sure as you stab him! But a warrior knows armor is good!
- Food:
- Yarrr, this be the kind of food I am accustomed to eating with the elders of my tribe and while I'm sailin' the boundin' main! Thanks, ye landlubber.
- Cordial:
- Yes, the very pinnacle of perfection in alcoholic beverage! It sure be a tasty thing to throw down me gullet, ye scurvy swab. I shall drink it and remember the plight of my people and the glory of my ancestors. Then I'll go out wenchin' all night and the mornin' will find me in the stocks!
- Bottle of Rum:
- Ah, the most excellent and honorable bottle of grog, ta warsh the salt water from me lips. You do me honor by sending me this gift, ye scurvy swab. I shall endeavor to win this fight, to honor my tribe and ta make off with some booty. Yarrrr.
- Booze:
- Yarr, this surely be the foinest drink I've ever laid me eyes on. It will surely honor my ancestors and bring glory to my tribe if I drink one. I will consume it and then loot yer booty, ye scurvy swab!
- Beer:
- Yarrr, a foamy brew to wash me parched throat. I shall drink it for the glory of my people and the honor of your gift. Thank you very much, ye filthy bilge rat.
- Spleen:
- You honor me with this stat booster, ye scurvy swab. I will do my best to win this battle, for the glory of my ancestors and the booty which I will loot from me fallen foe, savvy? I must win for the children's sake, ye land lubber.
- Unknown:
- I be not sure what this is for, but rest assured I shall use it to avenge the injustices of the world! And ta loot the booty of the unwary, yarrr.
- Weapon:
- Armor:
- Food:
- Cordial:
- Booze:
- Beer:
- Spleen:
- Unknown:
- Weapon:
- Yeah, this is exactly what will help this little girl win the big match! Just holding it makes me so angry I want to punch a hole in the wall of my dressing room!
- Armor:
- This'll sure help cover up my sensitive manly -- er, girly bits! Thanks a lot, little scraper!
- Food:
- Wow, this is just like the food they used to give us in Sneaky Pete's Home for Wayward Boys -- I mean Girls! Girls!
- Cordial:
- Hey, this is great! I'm very interested in cocktailcrafting, you know? Combining different liquids to give different effects is almost like chemistry. For example, did you know some potions can make you stronger, tougher, and hairier all at the same time? I mean, I've heard. From people.
- Booze:
- Well now, little scraper, thank ya kindly for this treat. I'm sure it'll put hair on my chest -- I mean, enlarge my adam's apple -- I mean, help this little girl win the big match.
- Mixed Drink:
- Thanks a lot for the drink, kiddo. Man, these fancy cocktails remind me of back when I used to get all dressed up, shave my face, and go out with the girls. Wait -- I meant legs, shave my legs. Us girls don't need to shave our faces. Or wax our backs.
- Beer:
- Well now, I don't suppose a shrinking feminine flower like myself should be drinking this stuff, but let's face it -- we girls like to drink beer, burp, and pee standing up as much as men do. Wait, did I say 'pee standing up?' I meant, 'give birth to children.' Anyway, thanks.
- Spleen:
- Ah, here we go, this is the real stuff. If you take enough of these, you'll grow up to be big and strong like me! Well, not exactly
- Unknown:
- Wow, I don't even know what this thing does, but I'm sure it'll help! It's like I didn't know what the pills my trainer was giving me were, but they sure did help!
- Weapon:
- Yes... this must be the fabled Weapon of Shyamalaman, that was forged by demons at the dawn of time! Wait, it isn't? Oh, well. I can still use it.
- Armor:
- Woah... shake it don't break it! Why didn't I ever think of wearing armor before? I just figured since I was a Zmobie Basher and heal quickly, I should let 'em bruise me! Wow, thanks!
- Food:
- Ew, grody to the max! I guess I have to keep my strength up, but this is totally not the best way to do it. This looks like the tofu brownies my mom used to make when she had her brain tumor.
- Better Food:
- Wow, total snackfesty goodness! Indeed, you are the bringer of tasty things! But I can't afford to gain weight. The apocalypse should be here any day now! I have to stay fighting trim.
- Cordial:
- Wow, I used to have a boyfriend who made me drinks like these. He was totally crushworthy -- his name was Graaaah. We were so totally in love -- but then we made out and he turned evil and I killed him and then he came back good again, but then he left me so he wouldn't kiss me and turn evil again. It's hard being The Basher -- it's a good thing people keep sending me drinks.
- Booze:
- I know you want me to drink this. I want to drink this. But I am fighting a war here. I am leading these girls into battle and some of them will die. I might die. The only way we might get through this alive is to stay alert. I need you to be with me on this!
- Mixed Drink:
- Good day, this is Kitty's Observer, Rufus Meriweather. er, I, um, ah, well, Kitty is currently deeply involved in her, uh, um, ah, training, so she asked me to write you a little thank-you note. While I do not approve of Kitty's imbibing of alcoholic beverages, when I try to stop her, she, as you Yanks say, tells me 'where I can stick it.' Therefore, er, ah, um, er, under some small degree of duress, I thank you on her behalf. Cheerio.
- Beer:
- I remember a while ago I learned something about beer. What was it? Oh yeah, beer... foamy. No, wait, I mean beer...BAD. Foamy, but bad. But... y'know... it does taste good...
- Spleen:
- Okay -- be kind, rewind. What part of 'super-powered zmobie basher' do you not understand? I've got this whole 'basher-strength' thing going on, you know? Anyway, it was totally sweet of you to send it to me, and I'll take it, even though I'm five-by-five without it.
- Unknown:
- It... oh my god, it's the Talisman of Fanictia! The most powerful, reality-altering magical knick-knack in the world! Wait, no it isn't. That's okay, I'm sure Meriweather can figure out what it's for.
Notes
- If you send items from your Hangk's the 100 meat comes from Hagnk's. If you send from your inventory the 100 meat comes from your on-hand meat.
References
- When John Wilke informs you that your "lonely days are gone" when your letter arrives, he is quoting the lyrics of The Letter, by the Box Tops.
- The page title "In The Back Room... With Front Curtains" is a reference to the song White Room by Cream.
