Monster Manuel (A)

There are 44 monsters filed under A.

		170		A.M.C. gremlin Some researchers believe the AMC Gremlin to be evidence that gremlins are a degenerate offshoot of the Crimbo Elf, due to their mechanical skills. However, their research equipment usually falls apart before they get a chance to publish. Be careful never to feed gremlins after midnight. And by 'feed', I mean "allow them to chew on your face". People make snarky jokes about time zones and so on, but the gremlin prohibition on feeding is obviously based on local time, because of their sensitivity to sunlight -- don't feed them between midnight and sunrise. How hard was that, Mr. Sarcasm?
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		58		acid blob The ph level of the acidic blob tends to hover around 3, depending on its last meal. Truly brave blacksmiths use tamed acidic blobs to etch nifty designs in swords, and occasionally accidentally their own arms. The only way to really get rid of an acidic blob is to drop some base on it, so keep some dubstep music handy.
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		400		acoustic electric eel The first time the acoustic electric eel performed with his new power, some of the fish in the audience booed and shouted "Judas!" The acoustic electric eel had to spend hours learning how to play "The Old Brown Jug" and "Blowing in the Wind" before he got to rock out like he always wanted to. The acoustic electric eel's scales are all pentatonic. That's a music theory joke, kids.
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		45		actual orcish frat boy Here's a hint for Frat Boys and other related types: if the word printed on the ass of her shorts is "Jailbait" -- don't. I was going to make a joke here about how, below a certain age, it's like all the girls have had Brazilians, but... eugh. It could be worse. Last week, this guy got kicked out of a dude's birthday party for hitting on the girls in the bouncy castle.
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		12		albino bat Some people consider albino bats to be an omen of good luck, but clearly those people have never had one tangled up in their hair. If an albino bat eats a lot of fireflies, you can see them growing through its pale transluscent skin! It's really freaky! Albino bat guano makes excellent fertilizer, if you don't mind having vegetables that look like they've been attacked by a vampire bunny rabbit.
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		200		alert mariachi The amount of coffee drunk by mariachis in a year would fill an entire Olympics worth of swimming pools, so long as the swimmers didn't mind being scalded by hot coffee. Alert mariachis lean against cacti, because the needles help keep them awake. They may look like they're sleeping, but that's just to trick you. The alert marichi still takes the traditional siesta, and will be extremely cross if you attempt to sneak past him while he's napping. That's very rude.
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		90		alielf The upside to alien DNA is it makes your blood acidic, so you can freak out dental hygienists who poke your gums and then act surprised that they're bleeding. Loathing scientists have yet to fully sequence the alien genome, but believe they've isolated the "desire to kill the crap out of everything" gene. Some speculate that aliens use fat to store water in their heads the way that camels do with their humps, but no one wants to get close enough to them to find out.
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		0		alien hamsterpus The alien hamsterpus can run faster than a human being, but fortunately it only does so on a giant exercise wheel. You can neutralize an alien hamsterpus by spiking its giant water bottle. If you shred a little newspaper for your alien hamsterpus, it'll go right to sleep.
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		145		Alphabet Giant You may be wondering where the Alphabet Giant got those letters. In fact, he used to work at a giant alphabet soup factory, but he got fired for stealing from the supply cupboard. The Alphabet Giant tried to get a job on an educational childrens' program, but kept freaking out and attacking the puppets. The alphabet giant's favorite letters are F and U.
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		4		amateur ninja Ninjas learn stealth by walking across rice paper bubble-wrap, and mice. When the teacher takes attendance, don't answer when she calls out your name. Ninja school myst'ries: empty graduation hall diplomas vanished.
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		0		ambulatory pirate When he sailed the eleven seas, the ambulatory pirate were just a regular ol' smarmy pirate, savvy? Ye can frighten an ambulatory pirate while he's sleeping by shouting "Hoist up the mizzenmast, ye dog!" Used to be that two ambulatory pirates would amble together, savvy, but they got tired of lubbers calling 'em a "pair o' pathetic peripatetics."
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		50		ancient guardian statue Because it was such a pain to move stone from the quarry to the temple site, leftover stone was frequently made into temple guardians. Then, if there were too many guardians, they could walk back to the quarry themselves. They really built guardian statues to last in those days. Look, even though it hasn't been maintained for hundreds of years, it only has one arm off. It's amazing that it's still able to move at all. The most important task of an ancient guardian statue is, of course, to reload all the various dart-throwers and reset the pressure-plates after an adventurer has wandered through.
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		4		ancient insane monk Ancient insane monks Levitate by force of will They don't need step-stools. Ancient insane monks All feel neither heat nor cold But can be tickled. Ancient insane monks Can see worlds beyond this, but Need glasses to read.
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		0		Ancient Mariner The Mariner's cough drops are albatross-flavored. Bloody albatross flavored, in fact. The Mariner's not the sanest knife in the drawer, but see how coherent you are after being forced to wear a dead bird around your neck. The Mariner's other eye is not glittery, but it is a fetching shade of blue.
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		158		ancient protector spirit The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion. The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50. No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
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		162		ancient protector spirit The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion. The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50. No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
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		160		ancient protector spirit The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion. The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50. No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
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		156		ancient protector spirit The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion. The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50. No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
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		160		ancient protector spirit The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion. The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50. No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
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		70		ancient temple guardian Temple guardians such as this one were extremely expensive to construct, and therefore tend to indicate that there is not much left worth stealing in the temples that they are guarding. The engraved writing all over the guardian's body are the mystical runes that enable the construct to move. Modern golem technology has streamlined the process to a huge degree, and most don't even need the name of God carved on their forehead any more. Very very few of these stone guardians still exist, due to vandals and adventurers. However, there are reports of a relatively-intact one being found and refurbished, and employed as a bouncer in a Distant Lands tiki bar.
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		140		ancient unspeakable bugbear Other side effects of Minaj: pink hair, split personality, and a killer hip-hop flow. Unspeakable ancient bugbears are great at navigating ships, but terrible at asking for directions on the rare occasions they get lost. The effects of Minaj abuse are irreversible, unless you take so much of it that you can time-travel and stop yourself from taking it to begin with.
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		400		Anemone combatant Anemone poison is hallucinogenic, but it's so painful only the most dedicated burnouts will take it. Anemones are an important part of the coral reef ecosystem, and of a delicious balanced breakfast. Anemones are stationary but technically sentient, much like most of the people who write this game.
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		12		anesthesiologist bugbear Bugbear anatomy is sufficiently simple that bugbear anesthesiologists just take a three-week course and pay fifty credits for a license. As a last resort, bugbear anesthesiologists all carry your choice of bullet, arrow, or leather belt to bite during an operation. In their off time, bugbear anesthesiologists combine their various chemicals into near-lethal cocktails and have raging parties.
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		145		Angels of Avalon Angels use flaming swords because they instantly cauterize opponents' wounds, allowing the angels to smite their foes without causing undue suffering. Weaponologists have attempted to make flaming swords that don't require magic, but have found it difficult to pack enough lighter fluid in the hilt-resevoirs to fuel more than two or three attacks. The sound of a ringing bell used to indicate an angel getting his wings, but this was stopped when it was discovered that angels were gaming the system by hanging out at carillon manufacturers.
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		22		anglerbush The anglerbush's bait is made of plant matter that is exactly like meat in appearance and texture. As such, they were almost hunted to extinction by vegans. The meat stack that the anglerbush sometimes drops isn't its bait flower; it's just an extra meat stack the bush had lying around. the[sic]? word "tendril" has its roots in both the word "tender" and the word "drill." ponder that for a moment.
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		?		angry bassist An angry bassist's favorite mobile phone game is "Angry Bass." Many bass players are angry because they're stuck playing bass. To calm down an angry bassist, remind him that Paul Simon, Sting, and Flea are all pretty awesome.
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		15		angry bugbear Bugbears have notoriously short tempers, so even a stubbed toe will turn them from normal to angry. Bugbears' hearing is abnormally weak for a creature with such large ears. It's probably all the rock concerts they went to as teenagers. Bugbears have no noses and smell terribly. And also terrible.
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		220		angry cavebugbear Cavebugbears could use simple tools, but were baffled by pocket calculators. Cavebugbears invented fire, the wheel, and fondue. A cavebugbear has roughly the same vocabulary as an orcish frat boy.
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		22		angry piñata The most popular candy for filling a piñata is the jellybean, because of its colorful confetti-like qualities. Less popular are red licorice whips, and sausages. Experiments have been made with making piñatas for adults, by filling them with jello shots and tiny bottles of alcohol. However, nobody can remember how the experiments went, due to blackouts and accidental concussions. The invention of the piñata is credited to Miguel Domingo del Santiago, a farmer who became extremely angry when all the candy he had bought for his son's birthday was eaten by a donkey.
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		0		angry poet If you ever run out of ideas in the middle of writing an angry poem, try making up a story about a traveler from Porlock interrupting you. Angry poets know that the only good poem is a poem in rhyming couplets. Any other form is just pretentious. The most common cause of anger in poets is getting fired from a greeting card company.
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		35		angry raccoon puppet The angry raccoon puppet has no hand inside it -- it was magically animated by a really bored wizard. Raccoons wash their hands and their food before they eat, so they're at least two up on you. Raccoons have opposable thumbs, so we're pretty much doomed.
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		50		Angry Space Marine Don't be too hard on the Angry Space Marine. He's been trained and conditioned to kill everything he sees. Imagine how hard it is for him when he has to go to the laundromat. The Angry Space Marine carries over 500 pounds of weapons and ammunition. We're still not sure how. The Angry Space Marine's biggest gun fires other guns, which then fire exploding bullets.
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		159		animated nightstand The nightstand can be disassembled with an allen wrench and a screwdriver, but it'll never be the same when you put it back together. This nightstand looks like it's solid wood, but it's actually a birch veneer over cardboard. Economical and lightweight! The technical name for this kind of nightstand is "Çpøøkiråvn."
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		162		animated nightstand The animated nightstand is made of teak, the most evil of woods. The nightstand's an antique assembled with actual nails and glue, so you won't be able to defeat it with an allen wrench. It takes approximately 150 years of exposure to a latent magical field to animate a nightstand, slightly fewer if the nightstand was kind of uppity to begin with.
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		159		animated nightstand This nightstand was assembled with a single allen wrench and two screwdrivers. And lots of swearing. The nightstand is incredibly sturdy, unless you repeatedly open and close its drawers, in which case it falls apart. The nightstand is constructed of pressed chipboard with an oak veneer. don't drop your keys on it or you'll scratch the finish.
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		162		animated nightstand Mahogany is not actually a type of wood. It's made of pressed and varnished coffee beans. This is actually one of the rare wild nightstands of the Distant Lands veldt, which are extremely valuable because it's so difficult to capture them alive without getting them all scuffed up. One of the reasons Lord Spookyraven collected so many nightstands was so that he'd have somewhere to misplace his impossibly huge collection of old wallets and coin purses.
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		77		Anime Smiley Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> <( o.o )> (>o.o<) ^( o.o )^ v( o.o )v <( o.o )> Other anime smilies include <.< for looking suspicious, O.o for confused, and *.* for having two buttholes instead of eyes. The anime smiley rule of kawai[sic]? states that the number of i's at the end of kawai is directly proportional to the cuteness of the subject divided by the age of the person saying 'omg kawaiiii.'
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		20		annoying spooky gravy fairy The annoying spooky gravy fairy really just wants to be friends and joke around, but it's socially awkward and gets nervous. The annoying spooky gravy fairy's pitchfork can be used by normal-sized people to eat oysters, or by oysters to fend off people trying to eat them. I mean, what chance does the annoying spooky gravy fairy have, with a name like that? If your name was Bob the Douchebag, would you fight fate?
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		0		antique database server The antique database server used to have all the RAM anyone would ever need: 16 whole kilobytes! What do you mean no one wants to buy the antique database server? We just paid, like, a thousand dollars for it less than a decade ago! The antique database server predates even cassette-based data storage. It uses a stylus and a slab of granite.
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		20		apathetic lizardman Yeah, you know, apathetic lizard men. They're um, green? Or whatever. Apathetic lizardmen are notable for being the Kingdom's most notable something. Apathetic lizardmen guard the Daily thing because ehn.
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		115		Argarggagarg the Dire Hellseal Argarggagarg is actually a female hellseal, proving that, whatever else you may think about hellseals, at least they aren't sexist. Even females can be an alpha male. Argarggagarg's two heads are actually named Argarg and Gagarg. Gagarg is the angrier one, because she's sick of always getting second-billing. Argarggagarg's favorite colors are blood red, and cornflower.
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		168		Astronomer The astronomers of old had a list of constellation names that they could never find constellations to match. Thus the Kingdom has no "Meat Missile" constellation. The longstanding feud between astronomers and astrologers once boiled over into an actual war over the stars. It was called "The Space Battles." The constellation "The Beaver" was once known as the Floppy Taco, before a few supernovae altered its shape. This is a relevant factoid for the Astronomer because the Astronomer named the thing and changed the name. So quit filing bug reports about it.
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		3		axe handle You shouldn't blame an axe handle for being angry. It's just trying to get ahead. It was originally theorized that these floating axe handles were being wielded by ghosts, which were called "lumbergeists". This theory was eventually rejected for not being funny. Have we done the "wooden axe" joke? As in "I wooden axe about that monster if I were you"? ...Oh, okay. Yeah, I figured we probably had. Never mind.
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		163		Axe Wound There is a dormant cult in Loathing that worships the Cosmic Axe that made the axe-wound, and eagerly anticipates the Time of the Felling when the Axe will return. The Cosmic Axe Cult says "Timber!" instead of "Amen." The Cosmic Axe Cult wears sequin-spangled flannel shirts and denim pants. No one makes fun of them, though, because they also carry giant bedazzled, wicked-sharp axes.
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References

• The angry bassist's first entry is a reference to Angry Birds.