The Grand Poo-Bah

	Name:	The Grand Poo-Bah
	Age:	Under the Hill
	Gender:	Fella
	Height:	Penguinesque
	Weight:	Lithe
	Alignment:	Unpleasant
	Hair Color:	Midnight
	Eye Color:	Cornflower
	Record:	# / #

The Grand Poo-Bah used to be an unassuming grocery store clerk until he was called upon to join a mysterious religious sect known as the Knights Templers. The Templers are rumored to be the behind-the-scenes rulers of most of the goings-on in the Kingdom. Most of their in-front-of-the-scenes activities consist of driving around in tiny little cars and throwing candy at people, for some reason. The Templers believe that the soft spots on either side of their head are sacred and private, and therefore wear funny little hats to cover them.

Poo-Bah's fighting style can best be described as dirty. Dirrrrty, even. He's not above using anything in and around the ring as a weapon - water buckets, stools, spectators, you name it. He also uses the marks of his religous sect as tools of destruction. It has never been said of him that there is no sects in his violence.

Despite his seedy reputation and small stature, The Grand Poo-Bah is never without an entourage of adoring friends, fans, and hangers-on. Being an arrogant little prick is no handicap in the world of Kingdom Wrestling, provided you're an arrogant little prick who wins matches.

Notes

• The Grand Poo-Bah is one of John Wilke's KWE wrestlers.
• This wrestler is represented by a trading card.

Fight Messages

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 556.02775 Newtons (on the Earth's Surface), wearing the red fez with the yellow tassel, it's our favorite Knight Templer, THE GRAND POO-BAH! Don't get too close, kids!

• The crowd cheers as The Grand Poo-Bah prepares to use his special attack, "Tassel Doff!"

• The Grand Poo-Bah pulls the tassel out of his fez and viciously beats <opponent> with it, all the while sucking in his gut and singing a cheesy love ballad. PLOP!
• The Grand Poo-Bah pulls the tassel out of his fez and tries to beat <opponent> with it, but <opponent> grabs the tassel and throws it out of the ring, minimizing the tassel hassle.

• The crowd cheers as The Grand Poo-Bah prepares to use his special attack, "AKA Driver!"

• The Grand Poo-Bah leaps from the ring and returns in a miniature bitchin' meatcar, running over <opponent> while hurling hard candy at the crowd. PLOP!
• The Grand Poo-Bah leaps from the ring and returns in a miniature bitchin' meatcar. He tries to run down <opponent>, but <opponent> tips him over like a sleeping cow.

• The Grand Poo-Bah flings his fez at <opponent>! The smell of hair oil causes him/her to reel!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "This is for the honor of the Knights Templer, ya mook!"

Gift Responses

• Weapon:

What, so now I've got to carry some weapon into the ring to win? Whatever, kid. Maybe this'll give me an edge, but maybe I don't need an edge! Ever think about that?

• Armor:

Y'know, it's probably not a bad idea to wear a little protection in the ring. You know what I'm sayin', kid? Protection?

• Feast:

There's the idea, kid! Now this is some fancy-schmancy stuff. I'll gobble this up, no problem. I just hope it doesn't slow me down in the ring, y'know.

• Food:

Oh, great, a crappy meal. This stuff will stunt your growth, kid, and I oughta know. I'll eat it, but I'm betting it goes right through me.

• Cocktail:

All right! I like to get a little loose before a match, y'know? Lubricated, if you get my drift. This baby will do me just fine. Thanks, kid. I owe ya one.

• Cordial:

Hey, now this is just what the doctor ordered, kid. Say, have you ever thought about joining the Knights Templers? They're a good bunch of guys. We're running more of this show than you know, kid... better to be our friend than our enemy, if you get my drift.

• Booze:

Ain't no way I'm drinking this, kiddo. I'm all man, you know what I mean? Look at this - it's all fruity and girly. You know what they say about guys who drink these, don'tcha? Look, I'll drink it, just don't tell anyone.

• Beer:

Now we're talkin'. A couple of these bad boys and I'll be flying, you know what I mean? Do ya? Anyway, thanks.

• Spleen:

What the hell is this, kid? You think I need to boost my stats now? You don't know that I'm the buffest, baddest wrestler out there? Give me a break, kid. This is an insult! I'll take it just to be nice, but it's an insult!

• Misc:

I don't even know what this thing is, kid. I'll give it to Manny, and see if he can figure it out before the match. Thanks, I guess.

References

• The term Grand Poobah originates from The Mikado, a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.
• The Knights Templar was a Christian Military Order shrouded in mystery and conspiracy theories.
• The activities of the Templers refer to the Shriners, a group often seen in parades, driving small cars and wearing fezzes.
• The line "there is no sects in his violence" is a reference to the repeated line "There's no sex in your violence" in the Bush song Everything Zen
• The Grand Poo-Bah's "Tassled Off" attack makes reference to David Hasselhoff's music career.
• "AKA Driver" is a song by They Might Be Giants on their album John Henry.