Monster Manuel (D)

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Monster Manuel Entries

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		160		daft punk This guy is neither daft nor punk. Is it irony, or just a low vocabulary? No one has seen the daft punk with his helmet off. Scientists hypothesize that there are a lot of blinking lights, gauges, and a super-intelligent hamster in there. The daft punk's work is never over, but given his job is to play music and dance, it's not that big a deal.
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		68		dairy goat Mountain goats are excellent climbers, and can scale cliffs that are extremely difficult for human climbers. If you're forced by destiny to find and milk one to make cheese, you can consider it a real feta fate feat. Goats are frequently associated with devils because of their horrible creepy eyes, and their tendancy to trick humans out of their souls. Goats do not actually eat tin cans, but they will drink all the coolant right out of your car's radiator.
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		13		dairy ooze The dairy ooze is only 2% milkfat, but the rest of it is pure rage. The dairy ooze is well past its expiration date, which technically makes it undead. The dairy ooze has a pretty hefty stench around it. Like they say, nothing stinks like dairy air.
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		210		Danglin' Chad In the year 2000, "dangling chad" was a topical and hilarious joke. Dangling Chad first appeared in the Kingdom of Loathing in 2007. Heavy drinking can make you stupid in as little as seven years.
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		99999		darkness The darkness is a pretty mean... whatever-it-is, but at least it doesn't shoot you in the chest with a pneumatic grappling hook gun. That must hurt like hell. They say that the forms the darkness takes are based on the viewer's own personality and inner fears. ...Uh, maybe you should consider talking to a therapist? I dunno about you, but to me it looks like he's wearing a big bow-tie.
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		130		deadly venomtrout Venomtrout are delicious when baked, but you have to be careful to get all of the various poison glands and sacs out first. They comprise almost 80% of the venomtrout's body. Venomtrout have a poor memory for faces, and you shouldn't be offended if it doesn't remember fanging you previously. Venomtrout cannot drive cars. Okay, well, most fish can't drive cars.
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		35		decent lumberjack You might expect lumberjacks to be big partiers, but in fact they work extremely hard all day, and therefore tend to spend the entire night sleeping. Almost 90% of barbers wish that they were actually lumberjacks. Almost 90% of lumberjacks are not Monty Python fans, and will take offense if you suggest they might be transsexuals.
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		425		decent white shark The decent white shark once threw the residents of a small coastal town into a mild tizzy. If you encounter a decent white shark on the surface, you're going to need a marginally roomier boat. The decent white shark's skeleton is made entirely of cartilage, so if it helps you to be less intimidated, imagine it's a giant swimming ear.
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		4		demonic icebox This fridge has magnetic poetry tiles on it with phrases like "eternal suffering" and "disemboweled penitent." In addition the hellish leftovers, there's a box of Leg & Screwdriver baking sulfur in there, to make sure nothing smells fresh. If your toddler happens to draw Choronzon, the tri-mouthed devourer, this fridge is the perfect place to display the art.
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		48		Demoninja Most demoninjas work giving out free food samples at big box stores in Hey Deze. Demoninjas have more killing power in their little fingers than most ninjas have in their ring fingers. It's a subtle difference. Under a demoninja's mask is another mask. Under that mask is a pair of pants."
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		200		Demon of New Wave The Demon of New Wave doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. No one knows what he does do. The Demon of New Wave is so fine, he's so fine he'll blow your mind.
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		64		Deputy Nick Soames & Earl Nick Soames' middle name is 'O'teen. Earl Soames' middle name is 'Ofduke.' The Soames family crest depicts two shotguns crossed over a zombie rampant.
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		0		digital underground dweller The digital underground dwellers' sects packets explain the ways of their religion, but are riddled with logical inconsistencies and grammatical errors. Digital underground dwellers have a ranking system that goes from 8-bit Acolyte up to the High Petaflop. Digital underground dwellers have no word for 'maybe.'
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		40		dirty hippy Why don't dirty hippies get jobs as garbagemen? It seems like that would be right up their alley. ...Oh, right, because they don't believe in jobs. Once in a while, a scientist will kidnap some dirty hippies to use as test subjects for experimental deodorants and colognes and the like. They don't usually get a chance to publish their results before the test equipment explodes. Some people theorize that if you washed all the dirt off of a dirty hippie, there'd be nothing left.
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		40		dirty hippy jewelry maker Hippies make excellent jewelry makers, because the hippy lifestyle is so dull that sitting around threading beads onto a string is actually an exciting prospect for them. The tendancy of hippies to not wash is actually because the extra layers of grime help to protect their skin from the rough, fibrous, "all-natural" string they use in their ugly bracelets and necklaces. If you took all the hemp bracelets and necklaces made by Loathingian hippies over the past ten years, and tied the strings into a single long cord, most people would wonder why the hell you were doing that and don't you have a job?
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		40		dirty hippy Vegan chef Since a lot of fruit has started to overripen by the time it falls off the tree, many hippy chefs have assistants whose job it is to stand under the tree and catch anything that falls, so it can be used immediately. If a hippy vegan chef tells you that something doesn't grow on trees, you should probably believe her. She's likely to be one of the few true experts on the subject. Some hippy chefs go so far as to not chop or cook the vegetables they use, out of respect for the plants. Even other hippies are kind of sick of those guys.
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		60		dirty old lihc Scientists speculate that wearing giant aviator-size, lightly-tinted prescription glasses actually compels people to become creepy. Like, they have no choice. The dirty old lihc's tentacles are among the most unclean substances in the Kingdom, just below a filthworm's filthhole. No, the dirty old lihc doesn't have any candy or a puppy in his van. He doesn't even have a van.
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		169		dirty thieving brigand A brigand is less noble than a scoundrel and less handsome than a bandit. The brigand's bandana is less about hiding his identity and more about covering up his bad breath. The brigand keeps his bankroll stashed in a sock stuffed into his codpiece.
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		18		disease-in-the-box Symptoms may include: wet heaves, dry sweats, invisible headaches, "knuckle elbow", and ennui. Diseases are frequently stored in boxes for safe transport between various medical and scientific facilities. Nobody knows what the spring is for. If you think you may have been infected, consult your local doctor or pharmacist. Or cleric. Or shaman. Or jeez, just drink a healing potion or something. How is being sick ever a problem in this genre?
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		400		diving belle The only accessory that hasn't been recovered from the diving belle is her clutchin' pearls. In life, the diving belle enjoyed such down-home phrases as "well, kiss my grits!" and "he's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt." A proper mint julep is made with crushed ice and served in a silver cup. A proper mint julep is also two shots of whiskey with a little mint syrup stirred in, so it's no wonder those belles were always fainting.
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		12		dodecapede Dodecapede venom contains an anesthetic agent, so at least you won't die in agony. Oh, you'll still die, of course, just sans the agony. However, since dodecapede venom also contains a paralytic, scientists aren't 100% sure if there's no pain, or their subjects were just unable to scream. If you wonder how scientists go mad, think of the poor grad students who had to inject people with dodecapede venom. It's a short leap from there to world-destroying cyborg hamsters.
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		0		dog-alien Outside of this alien, a dog is man's best friend. Inside of this alien, you'll get boiled to death by the acid. Dog-aliens love to play fetch, but their acidic saliva means you're going to go through a whole lot of tennis balls. Some invasion survivors have attempted to train seeing-eye dog-aliens to help elves who were blinded in the fighting. This went even more poorly than you might expect.
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		0		dogcat Do you know how the digestive tract of the dogcat works? Good. You're better off not knowing, believe me. The dogcat is only a serious threat the 30% of the time it isn't chasing itself in circles. The cat end of the dogcat has retractable claws, but the dog end doesn't.
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		0		Dolores D. Smiley Dolores took pictures of all of her cats, When especially lonely, she'd dress them in hats. Dolores had rabbits, some birds, and a ferret, She'd sit in their cages with them, eating carrots. At heart, poor Dolores was deeply unhappy, That's why she enjoyed all those catchphrases sappy.
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		53		dopey 7-Foot Dwarf Its[sic] not that he's dopey, per se, it's just that he's not challenged by traditional curricula. We don't mean "dopey" as in "does a lot of dope," either. He's got it under control and he can quit any time. The straight dope on the dopey dwarf is that he got pigeonholed by his peers and he can't break away from their labeling of him.
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		14		doughbat No matter how hard you beat it down, the doughbat will always rise again. At least it will while its yeast cultures are still active. When fried in oil, the doughbat turns into a delicious doughnutbat. Well, the bat part's not that great, but the doughnut's pretty good. I recommend cooking a doughbat at 450 degrees for an hour, or until the edges are golden brown, and it's stopped squeaking.
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		175		Dr. Awkward In his spare time, Doctor Awkward is a nerdcore rapper. Doctor Awkward's creepy little glasses are tri-focals, for reading, driving, and torturing. Doctor Awkward won the Drowsy Sword in a rap battle against the legendary Flow Wolf.
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		136		Drab Bard The drab bard didn't used to be so dull. He had a techno hit with "Party Boobytrap" back in the day. The drab bard's dullest song is the 25-minute-long "Laminated E.T. Animal," which features a 5-minute snoring solo. The drab bard is also an accomplished swordsmith. His business card reads, "I made border bard’s drowsy swords; drab, red robed am I."
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		400		drowned sailor Before he drowned, this sailor could hoist a tops'l up a mizzenmast while playing a rondel on a hornpipe. I have no idea what half of those words mean. This sailor drowned because someone put him in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him, early in the morning. This sailor wasn't a member of the Moon Sailors Union. You can tell because he's not wearing a schoolgirl skirt and bright pink pigtails.
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		165		drunk duck Ducks cannot belch (despite reports from many adventurers who claim to have seen them belch fire). They can, however, puke like nobody's business. In some cultures, seeing a duck throw up is considered an omen of great good fortune, depending on what it's throwing up on and whether it belongs to you. The gray goose that the famous brand of vodka was named after was, in fact, a duck. The name of the vodka was changed because "Gray Duck Puking On The Sidewalk In Front Of My House" was deemed insufficently fancy-sounding.
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		68		drunk goat The drunk goat's favorite booze is whichever comes in the biggest bottle. A single drunk goat can drink its body weight in booze in just under an hour. The drunk goat's strong jaws and iron stomach let it drink a beer and then eat the can, too. Efficient!
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		8		drunken 7-foot dwarf 7-foot dwarves like their whiskey extra-salty -- every bottle is made with seven grams of sea-salt. Dwarven mining helmets are made incredibly tough, because mining is very tedious work, and it's unrealistic to expect the dwarf swinging his pickaxe next to you to not be completely liquored-up. Dwarves drink to forget. Sometimes they drink to forget about the nameless horrors they've unleashed by digging too deep, but usually it's just old girlfriends.
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		1		drunken half-orc hobo Most half-orc hobos are awful typists, but they have surprisingly neat handwriting. In the past, many people have wondered if the half-orc hobo is the result of crossbreeding an orcish frat boy with a regular hobo. They contunue[sic] to wonder, to this very day. You should never give a half-orc hobo money, because he'll just spend it on booze. Give him booze instead, and cut out the middleman.
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		10		drunken rat Reeking of booze actually improves the drunken rat's usual smell. Coffee will not sober up a drunken rat; it will just be more alert and still drunk. A bacon sandwich is a scientifically proven hangover cure. Bacon, man. Is there anything it can't do?
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		40		drunken rat king Surprisingly, these rats are usually sober when they first get stuck together. Many people believe that the center of a tangle of rat tails contains a radioactive pellet, but they are wrong -- it usually contains a golf ball. Tickling the tangle of tails in the center of a rat king is a good way to trick the rats into biting one another instead of you. Rats are stupid.
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		72		Dusken Raider Ghost The Duskwalker chronicles are incredibly popular with teenage girls and sexually-frustrated housewives, despite being one of the most poorly written documents in the known universe. The only thing more poorly written than the Duskwalker chronicles is the fan fiction based on the Duskwalker chronicles. But you can kind of understand the appeal. I mean, what woman doesn't want a verbally abusive, emotionally distant, undead pedophile to trade awkward pauses with?
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		0		dwarvish gnome The dwarvish gnome is trying to grow a beard to be more dwarvish. He's been at it for a year and almost has a five o'clock shadow. You would not believe how strange a gnome's skeleton looks. Try and picture it. Am I right? The G in 'gnome' isn't silent, it's just impossible for any species with a neck to pronounce.
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		30		Dyspepsi-Cola General Generals in the Dyspepsi-Cola army frequently engage in reconstructive facial surgery, due to jaw infections brought on by their rotting teeth. Dyspepsi-Cola generals don't care if you're black or white, so long as you drink the correct brand of fizzy sugar-water. Many causalties were taken on the Dyspepsi-Cola side when it turned out they had accidentally recruited several werewolves as generals.
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		30		Dyspepsi-Cola Knight Cloaca-Cola can clean copper discs, but Dyspepsi-Cola can dissolve the discs entirely. Dyspepsi-Cola is a little sweeter than Cloaca-Cola, but contains just as much phosphoric acid. In a pinch, you can pour Dyspepsi-Cola into the tank of your meatcar, if you want to ruin your meatcar forever.
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		30		Dyspepsi-Cola Soldier The secret ingredient in Dyspepsi-Cola is sugar. Okay, I guess it isn't that big a secret. If you filled a bathtub with Dyspepsi-Cola and immersed yourself in it for three hours, you would drown. The cherry flavoring in Wild Cherry Dyspepsi is made from termites.
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