Monster Manuel (Entries)

Monster Manuel entries are accessed from your quest log if you have the Monster Manuel. Each entry gives basic monster stats, as well as informative factoids related to the monster.

Monsters for which you have acquired 1 factoid are casually researched; 2 factoids are thoroughly researched, and with 3 factoids you have exhaustively researched a given monster.

A

		170		A.M.C. gremlin Some researchers believe the AMC Gremlin to be evidence that gremlins are a degenerate offshoot of the Crimbo Elf, due to their mechanical skills. However, their research equipment usually falls apart before they get a chance to publish.
		153
		170

		0		alien hamsterpus The alien hamsterpus can run faster than a human being, but fortunately it only does so on a giant exercise wheel. You can neutralize an alien hamsterpus by spiking its giant water bottle.
		0
		0

		145		Alphabet Giant You may be wondering where the Alphabet Giant got those letters. In fact, he used to work at a giant alphabet soup factory, but he got fired for stealing from the supply cupboard. The Alphabet Giant tried to get a job on an educational childrens' program, but kept freaking out and attacking the puppets. The alphabet giant's favorite letters are F and U.
		130
		150

		0		ambulatory pirate When he sailed the eleven seas, the ambulatory pirate were just a regular ol' smarmy pirate, savvy? Ye can frighten an ambulatory pirate while he's sleeping by shouting "Hoist up the mizzenmast, ye dog!"
		0
		0

		22		anglerbush The anglerbush's bait is made of plant matter that is exactly like meat in appearance and texture. As such, they were almost hunted to extinction by vegans. The meat stack that the anglerbush sometimes drops isn't its bait flower; it's just an extra meat stack the bush had lying around.
		8
		25

		15		angry bugbear Bugbears have notoriously short tempers, so even a stubbed toe will turn them from normal to angry. Bugbears' hearing is abnormally weak for a creature with such large ears. It's probably all the rock concerts they went to as teenagers. Bugbears have no noses and smell terribly. And also terrible.
		14
		12

		50		Angry Space Marine Don't be too hard on the Angry Space Marine. He's been trained and conditioned to kill everything he sees. Imagine how hard it is for him when he has to go to the laundromat.
		50
		65

		20		annoying spooky gravy fairy The annoying spooky gravy fairy really just wants to be friends and joke around, but it's socially awkward and gets nervous. The annoying spooky gravy fairy's pitchfork can be used by normal-sized people to eat oysters, or by oysters to fend off people trying to eat them. I mean, what chance does the annoying spooky gravy fairy have, with a name like that? If your name was Bob the Douchebag, would you fight fate?
		18
		20

		168		Astronomer The astronomers of old had a list of constellation names that they could never find constellations to match. Thus the Kingdom has no "Meat Missile" constellation.
		151
		150

		163		Axe Wound There is a dormant cult in Loathing that worships the Cosmic Axe that made the axe-wound, and eagerly anticipates the Time of the Felling when the Axe will return. The Cosmic Axe Cult says "Timber!" instead of "Amen." The Cosmic Axe Cult wears sequin-spangled flannel shirts and denim pants. No one makes fun of them, though, because they also carry giant bedazzled, wicked-sharp axes.
		146
		150

B

		3		bar The best way to fight a bar is to trip it, thereby lowering it.
		2
		5

		20		Baron von Ratsworth Baron von Ratsworth made his fortune trading in steel futures, but nowadays he's mostly into real estate.
		18
		25

		169		batwinged gremlin Gremlins delight in disassembling things, such as vehicles, computers, factory machinery, and adventurers. The rule about never feeding a gremlin after midnight is complicated by the fact that it's always after the previous midnight, so when can you start feeding them again? And what about time zones? Man it's like it was *designed* for someone to screw it up.
		153
		170

		169		batwinged gremlin Batwinged gremlins are sometimes attacked by other tiny gremlins who sit on their wings and try to sabotage their flight.
		153
		170

		21		beanbat It takes approximately 144,000 beanbats to stuff a single beanbatbag chair.
		18
		18

		162		Beaver Beavers aren't actually very eager, and tend to whine and bitch incessantly while they're building their dams. Beavers use their wide, flat tails to press sandwiches, to make them more flavorful.
		145
		150

		25		beefy bodyguard bat Each beefy bodyguard bat can lift three times his body weight, provided he has a water bottle and a good spotter. The beefy bodyguard bat's wings aren't actually lettuce leaves. They're just really bulky regular ol' wings. You may think the beefy bodyguard bat is just a dumb slab of muscle, but he actually reads poetry and writes short stories in his spare time.
		22
		25

		99999		best-selling novelist It's said that one of the worst sentences the best-selling novelist ever wrote was "The famous man looked at the red cup." In fact, he never used this line, but he has written much, much worse.
		89999
		99999

		0		Bettie Barulio Bettie's old suitors, so many and varied, filled up their own cemetery when buried. Bettie's removal to realms immaterial was due to a full set of diseases (venereal).
		0
		0

		129		black adder Black adders usually live in rowan trees.
		114
		124

		?		Black Crayon Shambling Monstrosity The Shambling Monstrosity is not a god or an alien, per se; it's a traveler from another dimension. Remember that differentiator as your sanity starts to slip. Staring at a Shambling Monstrosity can make you go insane. Staring at one through a welder's helmet will just get you really high for a couple of hours.
		?
		?

		123		Black Knight The black knight didn't seem racist at first, but now it kinda does.
		121
		135

		132		black widow Black widow bites are rarely fatal if you receive immediate medical treatment. Black Widow Bites are also a terribly marketed type of candy.
		110
		121

		126		blackberry bush A blackberry stalk makes a powerful weapon, if you still have any arms left after getting it away from the bush.
		114
		136

		25		Blooper When surprised, the Blooper releases a cloud of black pixels that dissolve before you can grab them. It's pretty frustrating. The Blooper's natural predator is the Mustachioed Plumber, which was hunted to nigh extinction by outraged turtle tamers. The Blooper prefers Radiohead's earlier catalog, when they still knew how to rock, man.
		22
		15

		136		blur The blur has only two vices: coffee and TV. Scientists with too much time on their hands have concluded that the blur is most likely completely nude. The blur's vision-occluding field can cause one to become mercurial and leaden. If you feel heavy metal while fighting the blur, take a break.
		126
		141

		145		boaraffe The boaraffe has no natural predators, except for the extra-terrestrial kind.
		130
		145

		138		Bob Racecar Bob Racecar has an old hound dog named Otis. It knows how to sit.
		129
		139

		100		booty crab Booty crabs can tangle their pincers in your hair, so shaving is a good way to get rid of them.
		90
		70

		33		Boss Bat the boss bat has weak eyesight, but he can listen to hear where you are.
		29
		40

		99999		Bowling Cricket Did you know that a grasshopper and a cricket are two completely different insects? Neither did the guy who created this monster!
		89999
		99999

		150		Box WHAT'S IN THE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOOX? Well, the vast vacuum of space, a few stars, and little else. The Crackpot Mystic believes this constellation is a giant 3-dimensional pixel.
		135
		150

		70		BRICKO bat One easy way to defeat a BRICKO bat is to take its wings and put them on the bottom close together, turning it into a capital "i."
		63
		100

		130		BRICKO elephant The standard BRICKO elephant is an "African" elephant, having larger ears and more wrinkled skin (somehow) than its Asian counterpart.
		117
		200

		140		BRICKO octopus BRICKO was invented by a parent who felt he wasn't stepping on nearly enough tiny pointy things when he walked around the house barefoot.
		126
		250

		40		BRICKO ooze The plural of BRICKO is BRICKO. There's no such thing as "a bunch of BRICKOs."
		36
		50

		160		BRICKO python Though they can squeeze stuff until the cows come home (or squeeze cows until the farmer comes home), pythons are terrible at lifting weights.
		144
		300

		120		BRICKO turtle BRICKOs are manufactured with the strictest quality control, and contain only trace amounts of lead, rodent parts, and industrial pesticides.
		108
		150

		0		Brock "Rocky" Flox Perhaps "Rocky" Flox is just misunderstood, Or maybe he's just a big jerk who's no good.
		0
		0

		99999		Bronze Chef The Bronze Chef has no heart, but it does have a molybdenum tongue for tasting.
		89999
		99999

		16		bugbear-in-the-box The inside of the bugbear-in-a-box's box is moist, clammy, and pulsating. Don't stick your hand in there, is all I'm saying.
		16
		11

		17		bugged bugbear Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 717 Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 718
		16
		14

		25		Bullet Bill Bullet Bills fly so slowly that they would take a full minute to go through an average person. A very unpleasant minute. Bullet Bills are all left-handed.
		22
		15

		20		bunch of drunken rats The metal beer keg was invented as a defense against drunken tavern rats, who kept chewing through the old wooden barrels. Some tavern owners have tried to get rid of drunken rat infestations by setting out shots of alcohol laced with poison, also called "Mickeys".
		18
		16

		156		Bush Astronomers have named the three berry stars in the constellation: the top left one's Chuck, the top right is Halle, and the bottom one is Hannabar.
		140
		150

		20		Buzzy Beetle The Buzzy Beetle's shell is the third hardest thing in the Kingdom. Only diamonds and Gnollish Algebra are harder. The Buzzy Beetle's shell is coated with secreted oil on the bottom, so it goes far and fast when kicked. Also, it's gross if you try to pick it up.
		18
		15

C

		25		chalkdust wraith Chalkdust wraiths are generally the spirits of dead schoolteachers, or children who asphyxiated while cleaning the blackboard erasers. Billiards chalk wraiths are incredibly rare.
		23
		25

		57		claw-foot bathtub There's a ring around the inside of the claw-foot bathtub, and you don't want to know what caused it.
		47
		55

		1		completely different spider The completely different spider parts its hair on the other side and has a moustache, so he's definitely not that other spider. Spiders are nature's practical jokers. It's not on accident they always spin their webs right where you'll walk through them; they enjoy the goofy dance you do.
		0
		1

D

		21		demonic icebox This fridge has magnetic poetry tiles on it with phrases like "eternal suffering" and "disemboweled penitent."
		19
		21

		200		Demon of New Wave The Demon of New Wave doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. No one knows what he does do.
		180
		500

		8		drunken 7-foot dwarf 7-foot dwarves like their whiskey extra-salty -- every bottle is made with seven grams of sea-salt.
		9
		7

		10		drunken rat Reeking of booze actually improves the drunken rat's usual smell.
		9
		8

		40		drunken rat king Surprisingly, these rats are usually sober when they first get stuck together. Many people believe that the center of a tangle of rat tails contains a radioactive pellet, but they are wrong -- it usually contains a golf ball. Tickling the tangle of tails in the center of a rat king is a good way to trick the rats into biting one another instead of you. Rats are stupid.
		36
		32

E

		0		evil ex-girlfriend Spoons Liu is currently studying to become an Orthodox Jew, so she can fire energy beams from her eyes.
		0
		0

F

		31		Father McGruber Father McGruber's arsenal includes a razor-sharp throwing crucifix, a rosary garrote, and other blasphemous and not at all funny accouterments.
		30
		40

		75		Felonia, Queen of the Spooky Gravy Fairies Queen Felonia has a 2nd-dan black belt in Slashing Your Face With a Broken Bottle-Fu.
		67
		80

		2		fiendish can of asparagus Spears are called 'spears' because of their similarity to asparagus spears. The fact that they were invented by Alfred Spear is a coincidence. Unicorns are nearly as attracted to people whose pee smells like asparagus as they are to virgins.
		0
		1

		1		fluffy bunny Rabbit meat is a little gamey, but good with peppercorns and a red wine. It is always rabbit season and duck season in the Kingdom of Loathing. Fluffy bunnies have a mean streak a mile wide and a furlong deep.
		0
		1

		135		Furry Giant Some think it's cruel to mock people for their lifestyle choices. But scientists agree that if you can be a human who's secretly a mongoose on the inside, you can be secretly a mongoose with a sense of humor, too. The furry lifestyle is not all about deviant sex acts and pornography. No, seriously. Some furries with multiple personality disorders are secretly entire zoos.
		121
		150

G

		75		ghost These pesky creatures are actually the ghosts of stomped-on Goombas, which explains why there's always so many of them. Why, you're probably partially at fault yourself! These ghosts don't drop red pixels because the red pixels are used for the fire, and burn off before they can be collected. Don't forget to whip the candles! The little flames are actually ghost eggs!
		67
		80

		130		Goth Giant The Goth Giant's favorite band is She Stubbed My Soul. Although when he's particularly depressed, only the icy synths of Sanguinatus Luciferi will do. Ironically, Goth Giants tend to avoid going outside in the rain, since it makes their mascara run.
		117
		150

		99999		Guy Made Of Bees The honey made by the Guy made of Bees is a potent hallucinogen.
		89999
		99999

K

		2		Knob Goblin Assistant Chef Knob Goblin assistant chefs enjoy classic rock in general, but hate Jethro Tull. If you, like a Knob Goblin assistant chef, are always on the lookout for ways to save money in the kitchen, do what they do -- replace half of the flour in your recipes with dirt.
		0
		1

		2		Knob Goblin Barbecue Team Knob goblins aren't really very good at grilling, and let their magically-animated grills do most of the work. They're really only there to poke the grill with the tongs once in a while, to make sure it doesn't eat the sausages itself.
		1
		2

		25		Knob Goblin Elite Guard The Elite Guard is chosen from the best of the cream of the barrel of regular guards. They get extra pay and one additional pitchfork of hay to sleep on.
		27
		30

		105		Knott Yeti The Knott Yeti's growls and snarls are a fairly advanced form of communication. More advanced than Frat Orcs, anyway. Knott Yeti's teeth are serrated for ripping and tearing, and ribbed for her pleasure. The only exports from the land of Knott are Yetis, Slandings, and berries from their many berry farms.
		103
		90

M

		59		malevolent hair clog If you think the hair clogs in Spookyraven Manor are bad, you should see the ones in the Castle In The Clouds. All those giant beards! The best way to get rid of malevolent hair clogs is a bottle of "Liquid Exorcist", but most clerics will warn you that it's bad for your plumbing.
		81
		50

		180		mean drunk duck It only takes 6 ounces of beer to get a duck drunk. Because of this, scientists have speculated they're distant relatives of sorority girls. Birds need gravity to help them swallow, so if you're going to beer bong a duck, make sure you're on earth or an earth-like planet.
		157
		190

N

		190		The Naughty Sorceress In her teenage years, the Naughty Sorceress was on track to become a good sorceress, until some idiot adventurer interrupted her Ethics of Magic class.
		171
		400

		205		The Naughty Sorceress (2) For some reason, the Sorceress's true form is always accompanied by a choir chanting in Latin over a techno beat. No one's sure why.
		184
		600

		10		Norville Rogers Norville believes in only two things: cowardice and sandwiches.
		9
		15

O

		30		off-duty Knob Goblin Elite Guard Most Knob Goblins have terrible peanut allergies, which partly explains why they eat so many sausages.
		22
		30

		4		overdone flame-broiled meat blob Seriously, guys. Medium rare at the very most. If you don't have that pink center, you're just eating charcoal.
		1
		2

P

		16		Peacannon The peacannon's primitive eyes are capable of discerning human from zombie, but incapable of differentiating teal from seafoam.
		15
		22

		25		pooltergeist British pooltergeists, also known as 'billiardolons', are notable for having larger (though not as many) balls, and no pockets. Be careful when fighting very old pooltergeists, as ivory balls tend to also be haunted by the ghosts of elephants, and the early synthetic balls were made of celluloid, which occasionally exploded.
		18
		27

		140		pop-and-lock raver The raver's baggy pants frequently contain other, smaller ravers, whose giant pants pockets contain even smaller ravers. The record for nested ravers (ravers contained in the baggy pants pockets of other ravers) is 23, starting with a Rave Giant and ending with a flaming gravy fairy. Glowsticks sometimes contain a phosphorescent chemical mix, but the cheaper ones are just ground-up fireflies.
		126
		150

		1		possessed can of tomatoes It's just the can that's possessed, not the contents. So once you get the tomatoes out you can still make spaghetti sauce with them. Unless you get one of the rare cases where the whole shebang's gone evil. Despite what the can tells you, your mother is probably not doing anything untoward in Hey Deze, if she's there at all.
		0
		1

		22		possessed silverware drawer The possessed silverware drawer has a full set of steak knives in it, and also one of those things that's maybe a foil cutter for wine, but you never drink wine, so where did that thing come from? Maybe it's a paring knife.
		3
		22

		130		Possibility Giant Little is known about the Possibility Giant, as his nature is constantly changing. Therefore, the other two factoids will be about cats instead. Cats can survive falls of up to at least 32 stories. Some speculate cats have a non-fatal terminal velocity, but they can't get any grants to drop a cat out of the upper ionosphere. A cat's barbed tongue helps it to groom itself and to drink water. And, y'know, to give you a rash at 3 a.m. when it won't stop licking your damn arm, and you've already fed it and petted it but it won't GO AWAY.
		117
		150

		125		Procrastination Giant A procrastination giant was elected to the Council of Loathing in 1548, on the theory that he probably wouldn't be any worse than the other councillors. He didn't bother to show up for work, which many take as confirmation of the theory. A recent poll of favorite hobbies among procrastination giants was inconclusive, because none of them returned the forms. (The third entry for this monster has not been written yet. We'll get around to it eventually. -Ed.)
		112
		150

R

		0		random scenester The random scenester is 35 years old, but looks younger with his ironic mullet.
		0
		0

		140		Raver Giant Raver giant music doesn't have much bass, compared to that of regular-size ravers. They find that the loud pounding created by their dancing is quite sufficient. The raver giant's pacifier is so large, it could pacify more than a hundred normal-size babies at once! Er, if that's how pacifiers worked. If the raver giant had one of those candy necklaces, it would be able to feed a family of four for at least six months! Of course, they'd probably all get diabetes.
		126
		150

		222		Rene C. Corman "Rene C. Corman" is an anagram of "Mare Concern".
		199
		1000

		175		rotund duck The rotund duck has a genetic condition, okay? The rotund duck's so fat it can't even fit into its little sailor hat and jacket anymore.
		157
		195

		1		rushing bum Don't feel bad about beating up rushing bums; they all choose to be homeless and if they'd only work a little harder, they'd be millionaires!
		0
		1

S

		23		Scott the Miner Never dig straight down. Seriously, just don't. Don't do it.
		22
		30

		8		skeleton with a mop This skeleton's favorite type of beer is stout, which just compounds his tragedy.
		7
		7

		107		Snow Queen The Snow Queen is from a country called Rhye, which is bound by seven seas. Don't blame the Snow Queen for being so aggro. After all, she's Under Pressure. I mean, given her druthers, she'd just ride her bicycle where she likes.
		105
		70

		170		Spirit of New Wave The Spirit of New Rave believes in PLUR: Pain, Lacerations, Ulcerating Sores, and Respect.
		153
		220

		185		Spirit of New Wave Never ask the Spirit to 'pon de replay if you want to keep your internal organs internal.
		166
		260

		65		spooky gravy fairy ninja Spooky Gravy Fairy Ninja chopsticks are so small, you can use them as toothpicks!
		58
		55

		60		spooky gravy fairy warlock Gravy fairy warlocks can turn cats into teacups, and teacups into mice, and mice into cats.
		54
		50

		4		spooky mummy Mummies have had their brains pulled out of their noses with a sharp pointed stick. That explains why they're not the peppiest or smartest of monsters. Mummies have their internal organs taken out and stored in jars, then their abdominal cavity stuffed with flowers. That explains why they're not in the best of moods.
		3
		3

		?		spooky vampire The spooky vampire does not sparkle. When exposed to sunlight, he has the decency to self-combust.
		3
		?

		1		Sub-Assistant Knob Mad Scientist Sub-Assistant Mad Scientists are not permitted to titrate without prior permission and close supervision.
		1
		1

		25		swarm of Knob lice The singular form of "lice" is "louse," and the singular form of "mice" is "mouse." But the singular form of "dice" is not "douse." HOW IS THAT JUSTICE?
		22
		30

T

		55		toilet papergeist The toilet papergeist is one-play, as Lord Spookyraven was a cheapskate. C'mon, guys. Two ply at the minimum. Wait a minute . . . if a "ply" is a layer, then it's called "plywood" because it's made of layers of wood. Woah.
		90
		60

		5		triffid The triffid's poison also causes hallucinations and bizarre body sensations that are ... well, to be honest they're pretty neat.
		4
		6

U

		?		undead elbow macaroni Undead elbow macaroni is best enjoyed al dente with plenty of butter and cheese. Undead elbow macaroni can be used to make adorable macaroni pictures, with only minimal risk of opening a portal to Hey Deze and getting damned forever.
		?
		?

		6		unemployed knob goblin Knob goblin unemployment benefits are limited to the "you can panhandle here and the guards will only beat you up occasionally" type. The knob goblin economy has been in upheaval recently, after a crash in the underground village market. Unemployed knob goblins are always welcome to join the Harem Guard, but most decide they'd rather avoid the harem's employment prerequisites.
		5
		5

		106		upgraded ram The upgraded ram can perform a trillion computations per second, as long as those computations have to do with jumping from rock to rock or butting heads with other rams. The ram's horns are sought after by wizards trying to look more interesting instead of developing a personality. They're the fedoras of the wizarding set. I don't recommend battering rams; they're far more tasty grilled with a little lemon and honey sauce.
		93
		95

W

		4		warwelf The warwelf is technically a skin walker, Texas skin ranger.
		2
		2

		8		werecougar Werecougars emit pheremones to attract the opposite sex, regardless of which form they're currently in. Werecougars frequently have their lips smeared with red, regardless of which form they're currently in.
		7
		6

		3		wolfman You probably already knew that wolfmen have nards. What you may not know is, they also have bachelor's degrees in philosophy.
		2
		2

Z

		22		zombie chef The zombie chef's specialty is Brains a la Brains.
		4
		20

Other

		150		(shadow opponent) Look, the shadow opponent is basically a negative-matter version of yourself. Do you need a bunch of fun facts about the opposite of you, or can you extrapolate 'em yourself?
		89999
		395