Vaso De Agua

	Name:	Vaso De Agua
	Age:	??
	Gender:	Fella
	Height:	Pretty Tall
	Weight:	Svelte
	Alignment:	??
	Hair Color:	Copperish
	Eye Color:	Periwinkle
	Record:	# / #

No wrestler can match the mysterious and vainglorious Vaso de Agua for sheer arrogance. Cloaked in mystique and shrouded by the mask he wears, he strikes terror into the hearts of his opponents and weakness into the knees of the ladies. He's the cock-of-the-walk, or at least the caulk-of-the-wok. Little is known about Vaso de Agua, and what little is known only adds to the mystery.

No birthdate, no documentation, no phone, lights, nor motorcar... all that is known of him is that he fights like a demon but throws like a girl. He has never allied himself to good or evil, but is equally as likely to to help you across the street as to fracture your skull with a folding chair.

From whence did he come? Why does he hide his face behind a mask? What the hell does "Vaso de Agua" mean? Vaso de Agua will never tell. He has few words for anyone, save the endless parade of women that have fallen victim to his undeniable charm and unquenchable appetites.

Notes

• Vaso De Agua is one of John Wilke's KWE wrestlers.
• This wrestler is represented by a trading card.

Fight Messages

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 2,100,000 mites, wearing the lovely black and red matador pants... the Latin Lover, the Castilian Casanova, the Spanish So-and-So: VASO DE AGUA!

• The crowd cheers as Vaso De Agua prepares to use his special attack, "Huevos Mezclados!"

• Vaso De Agua scrambles <opponent>'s huevos with all the ferocity of an exceptionally fierce wire whisk. BOFF!
• Vaso De Agua tries to scramble <opponent>'s huevos, but <opponent> guards his/her huevos with the pure animal fury of a mother hen.

• The crowd cheers as Vaso De Agua prepares to use his special attack, "Refresco Por Favor!"

• Vaso De Agua grabs a bottle of Mountain Stream Soda and cold-cocks <opponent> with it. Well, lukewarm-cocked; it wasn't on ice. BOFF!
• Vaso De Agua tries to bludgeon <opponent> with a bottle of Mountain Stream Soda, but <opponent> dodges. To the Xtreme!!!

• Vaso De Agua presents <opponent> with a rose to put between his/her teeth! <opponent> takes it, and the thorns underneath stick into his/her gums!
• Ropes:

...yells, "Has asasinado a mi padre. Prepárete para morir!"

Gift Responses

• Weapon:

My dear amigo, do you not see that this body is a weapon? This wit, honed to a razor edge, the only sword I need? Still, though my fists are deadly, my fist with this in it will be deadlier. Gracias.

• Armor:

If only, amigo, if only one could meatsmith armor to guard the soul from love's misfortunes. That would truly be a great thing. But armoring the stomach from suckerpunches is almost as worthy.

• Feast:

Now this, this is a feast worthy of the great Vaso de Agua! I give you thanks, amigo. I suppose this shall go straight to my thighs; still, I shall eat it. Food is one of life's bittersweet ironies, ¿Verdad?

• Food:

This will be, I think, a meager repast for a man of my many appetites. However, I take solace in the fact that it will not harm my figure to indulge in eating it. Thank you, amigo.

• Cocktail:

Ah, amigo, you mistake me. Just because I am a sensitive man does not mean that I drink a sensitive beverage. Just this once, however, I shall drink it to show my gratitude to you. As they say in my home country, "Mejor ser mariposa que muerto."

• Cordial:

Ah, how like life this drink is. The bitter alcohol combined with the sweetness of fruit or carbonated beverages. I shall drink this and ponder Laharina, a girl I once knew. Salud!

• Booze:

Aha, the hard stuff. Now this is what I need to get me through a long night playing flamenco music on my guitar and lamenting the loss of my lover. As they say in my country, "Los porteros no saben el nombre de mi cuchillo."

• Beer:

This is not the beer of my country - it is far too full-bodied and dark. But I shall drink it anyway and drown the sorrows of my romantic, tragic existence. Gracias.

• Spleen:

Gracias for the stat boosters, amigo. Though I hardly need them, buff as I am, I am grateful. As they say in my country, "La chaqueta en fuego es un gato sin ojos."

• Misc:

Amigo, I thank you for this beautiful, yet baffling, gift. Once I figure out what it does, I am sure it will help me in the upcoming match. As they say in my country, "la seda de los niños es dulce."

References

• The phrase "Vaso de Agua" is Spanish for "Glass of Water", which is probably a play on "tall drink of water."
• Vaso de Agua is a parody of Vega, the mask-wearing, claw-wielding pretty-boy from the English-speaking versions of the Street Fighter games.
• The phrase "Has asasinado a mi padre. Prepárete para morir!" means "You've killed my father. Prepare to die!" However, in Spanish the correct word should be asesinado. This is very similar to Inigo Montoya's oft-repeated line in The Princess Bride: "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
• "Huevos Mezclados", his special technique, means "Scrambled Eggs". In some Spanish variants, huevos is a euphemism for "testicles."
• Most of the Spanish sayings quoted in the gift responses are nonsense:
  • In the cocktail gift item message, the saying "Mejor ser mariposa que muerto" means "Better to be a butterfly than dead." However, as is noted in the entry for ducha de oro, mariposa (literally "butterfly") is derogatory slang for a gay man.
  • "Los porteros no saben el nombre de mi cuchillo" means "The gatekeepers don't know my knife's name."
  • "La chaqueta en fuego es un gato sin ojos" in the spleen gift message means "The jacket on fire is a cat with no eyes."
  • "La seda de los niños es dulce" means "The children's silk is sweet."
• "...and the thorns underneath stick into her gums!" is a reference to Tom Lehrer's song called The Masochism Tango which has the following lyrics: "And I envied the rose / That you held in your teeth, love / With the thorns underneath, love / Sticking into your gums."
• The phrase "no phone, no lights, nor motorcar" is a line from the ending theme of Gilligan's Island.