Monster Manuel (R)

There are 36 creatures filed under R, and 2 unobtainable entries.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		84		rabid MMO addict If MMO players could be hooked up to a turbine that generated electricity every time they killed a boar, the world's energy problems would be solved. The MMO players were meant to just sit quietly in chairs while playing, instead of wandering around. The triads had hoped to fix that in the next patch. Or at least pack a pair of handcuffs with each test unit. I know there were supposed to be three factoids, but I'm late for a scheduled guild raid.
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		144		Racecar Bob Racecar Bob and his brother are from Wassamassaw, South Carolina. The Nas'Kar twins worked briefly as solo gigolos before joining the racing circuit. Racecar Bob's racecar is, of course, a Toyota.
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		169		rag-tag band of survivors Most of the rag-tag survivors are wearing more than rags, and only the army vet has tags. Some speculate there is some kind of cosmic director who controls the survivor's fights -- but that's just crazy. The burly biker is actually quite good at both crochet and macrame. So don't stereotype him, okay?
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		30		rage flame When a rage flame wears old-school horn-rimmed ladies' eyeglasses, you can't tell, because they look just like its eyes. Rage flames save a lot of money on their utility bills by not ever needing to run a water heater. Rage flames hate it when you say "More like rage LAMES, am I right?" Actually, everybody hates it when you say that.
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		25		raging bull Did you have extra-marital relations with the raging bull's wife? I'll say it again: DID YOU HAVE EXTRA-MARITAL RELATIONS WITH THE RAGING BULL'S WIFE? Oh, you *are* the raging bull's wife? Sorry. The raging bull used to be a prize fighter, until he was thrown out for goring. The raging bull weighs about two tons, which qualifies him as a "superultraseriouslyheavyweight."
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		80		rampaging adding machine When these things get old, they often require assistance entering buildings that don't have an aging rampaging adding machine ramp. Rampaging adding machines never run out of paper -- each one's internal machinery includes a tiny forest and paper mill. Rampaging adding machine stand-up comedy routines consist of nothing but the word BOOBS repeated over and over. They are hilarious.
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		0		random scenester The random scenester is 35 years old, but looks younger with his ironic mullet. The random scenester has a number of favorite bands. You probably haven't heard of any of them. The random scenester once burned his mouth eating pizza before it was cool.
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		25		ratbat Scientists are divided over whether the ratbat is an example of cross-species breeding or magical mutation. Perverted scientists are hoping for the former. It's aerodynamically impossible for the ratbat to be able to fly, but no one ever told it that. I'd recommend you don't tell it, either, unless you want a carpet of pissed-off ratbats on your lawn. One ratbat can eat a pound of mosquitos per hour. It just chooses not to, the lazy sod.
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		175		rattlin' duck You'd probably be angry too, if your butt was a maraca. I mean, sure, it sounds fun at first, but you'd get tired of it pretty quick. In actuality, all ducks rattle, but you have to shake them really really hard. The quack of a duck does not echo, because it is actually a psychic thought transfer that creates no vibrations in the air.
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		0		raven A raven makes a great pet, if you're the kind of person who likes boring, terrible pets. Whenever a raven does something goofy, the proper reaction is to turn to the person next to you and say "That's so raven." You can't actually teach a raven to speak by slicing open its tongue -- this is a rumor started by a guy who really, really hated ravens.
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		140		Raver Giant Raver giant music doesn't have much bass, compared to that of regular-size ravers. They find that the loud pounding created by their dancing is quite sufficient. The raver giant's pacifier is so large, it could pacify more than a hundred normal-size babies at once! Er, if that's how pacifiers worked. If the raver giant had one of those candy necklaces, it would be able to feed a family of four for at least six months! Of course, they'd probably all get diabetes.
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		53		Really Interesting Wallpaper The wallpaper is a weird combination of paisley, polka dots, stripes, and fire-breathing monsters from another dimension. The wallpaper doesn't always get beer spilled on it, but when it does, it's dampened with Tres Ygriegas. The creator of the really interesting wallpaper went mad after dabbling in patterns no man was meant to print.
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		150		reanimated baboon skeleton This particular baboon died when it donated its heart to a neandertal[sic] man. Well, maybe "donated" is too nice a term. A baboon and a human have 98% of the same DNA. Maybe even more, in your case. Baboon skeletons like jogging, small dogs, and going *ook ook ook.* Turnoffs include bonesaws, macaques, and zookeepers.
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		50		reanimated bat skeleton A bat made of fossilized stone is not any less likely to get tangled up in your hair. Probably a little more likely, actually. Bat skeletons make excellent windchimes. Well, not reanimated ones. Unless maybe you could train it to hang from your porch awning and not attack you whenever you walked by. You may be wondering how a bat skeleton can fly without its leathery wings. Well, that's a silly thing to wonder. Why don't you wonder how it's moving around and attacking you at all, for a start? Or how it stays together without ligaments? Come on, man.
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		250		reanimated demon skeleton Even before they were fossilized, demons didn't actually need skin. They just used it to look slightly creepier. Back in my day, demons were a real threat -- none of this running around with broken legs and chap stick crap. Bones were thicker in the ancient history of Loathing, owing to easier access to calcium. Why, you couldn't talk ten feet without encountering a delicious calcium deposit, just sitting there!
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		300		reanimated giant spider skeleton Technically, spiders don't have bones, since they have a chitinous exoskeleton. Also, it's pronounced "Ket Shee." If you get bitten by a skeletal spider, your skeleton will turn into Spider-Man. Giant spiders are a mainstay of classic and modern fantasy literature. Scientists speculate it's because SPIDERS! AIEEEE!
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		100		reanimated serpent skeleton Snakes are all spine and ribs, much like supermodels. A snake can disengage its jaw to swallow things much larger than its mouth, just like your mom. The snake oil industry has led to dangerous underlubrication of the snake population.
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		200		reanimated wyrm skeleton Reanimated wyrm skeletons are related to the Bonerdagon, in much the same way that I'm related to the Queen of France. Don't confuse this with a reanimated worm skeleton. Those are much less deadly. A reanimated wyrm's ribcage makes an excellent xylophone, if you can get it to sit still.
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		50		Regret Man Regret Man's head consists of a single tear shed by his mother when he was born. She was sad because she had a baby with no head. See how everything works out?
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		13		regular old bat Bats cannot stand upright, and generally hang upside-down when sleeping. Their blood doesn't rush to their heads because their skulls are pressurized. The world's largest bat is the Malasian[sic]? flying fox, which weighs two pounds, has a six-foot wingspan, and eats insurance brokers. Most bats are colonial, which means they will invade the territory of other bats and set up a puppet government if given half a chance.
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		164		remains of a jilted mistress In life, the jilted mistress was quite the looker. Now she's more of a disemboweler. The jilted mistress was Lord Spookyraven's last lover before he passed away. He didn't have a whole lot of lovers after he passed away. Lord Spookyraven required that his mistresses have a thorough knowledge of wine, classical music, and the martial arts. Wait, sorry, I mean marital arts.
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		125		Renaissance Giant RenFest giants would rather pay 100 meat for a cup of wine than just beat up a monster for it like normal people. RenFest giants prefer elaborately painted wooden swords to the perfectly good metal ones available throughout the Kingdom. RenFest giants can blow glass, carve wood, forge metal and brew beer, but they're pretty lousy at debugging JavaScript, so nyeah.
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		222		Rene C. Corman "Rene C. Corman" is an anagram of "Mare Concern". It is impossible to keep a loaf of bread in Corman's apartment for more than like two days before it gets all moldy and gross. You have a walking, talking, living skeleton inside you right now! It's like you're a skeleton wearing a suit made out of meat as a disguise!
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		30		reproachful heart Reproachful hearts make the worst roommates. They never do the dishes, and they also never stop whispering horrible things to you as you sleep. When a reproachful heart gets a heart transplant, they just replace it with a different reproachful heart. A reproachful heart's favorite song is Reproachful Magic Man.
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		13		revolting bugbear The original leader of the bugbear revolution, Che Bugbeara, has the distinction of appearing on the t-shirts of many young bugbears who don't actually know very much about who he was or what he stood for. One of the main things that the bugbears seem to be revolting against, is oppressive standards of beauty and personal cleanliness. To be fair, if you were enslaved by gnolls and treated as mercilessly and callously as they treat the bugbears, you probably wouldn't smell very good either.
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		14		revolving bugbear South of the equator, revolving bugbears spin counterclockwise instead of clockwise. They also eat a lot of Vegemite. Gross! The centripetal force created by the revolving bugbear's spin keeps its skin extra healthy due to the increased blood supply. The centrifugal force is imaginary. This one time, a revolving bugbear spun so fast that it turned into a supermassive black hole and destroyed the entire universe. Not this universe -- a different one. Otherwise it would be impossible for you to be reading this right now.
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		1300		Ringogeorge, the Bladeswitcher The Mer-kin switchblade was invented as an upgrade to the standard Mer-kin stabknife, which was unswitchable. Don't confuse the Mer-kin switchblade with a regular switchblade -- they're quite different. A regular switchblade springs out of its handle, while a Mer-kin switchblade springs into your neck. The Mer-kin switchblade is basically just a double-edged knife blade at the end of a chain, which can be spun and jerked around in unpredictable ways. It sounds simple, but few manage to master it while still keeping all of their fingers and eyeballs.
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		68		roasted duck golem If you find yourself feeling bad for the ducks you see roasted and hanging in market stalls, don't. As a rule, ducks are total bastards. If you think about it, anything can be a golem. You yourself are a Skin Cells and Blood and Stuff Golem. With a skeleton hiding inside it. The breed of duck typically raised for meat also make excellent pets, even rivalling dogs for intelligence and loyalty. They also taste much better than dogs. I guess what I'm saying is, to hell with dogs.
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		139		rock scorpion It's bad enough when a scorpion defeats you in combat, but then it always goes for the fatility. Most scorpions glow brightly in blacklight, so if you suspect someone you know is secretly a scorpion, take them to a rave. Rock scorpions are attracted to matching towels, so if you go to the desert beach, leave those at home.
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		300		rockfish Rockfish have to eat pretty much constantly, to produce the energy necessary to not just sink straight to the bottom of the ocean. Rockfish aren't very good for eating, but... well, that's it really. The largest rockfish ever caught required a crane to haul it out of the water. Many fishermen are of the opinion that using a crane is basically cheating.
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		450		roller skate The roller skates are a tough crowd, but with love and perseverance you can bring them in-line. The roller skates frequently attack two at a time in what's known as a "couples' skate." Roller skates who drink and skate frequently fracture a fin or two. Let that be a lesson.
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		0		roller-skating Muse There are nine muses. This one is Cylindrica, Muse of clever roller derby names. Like, if you're a redhead, how about Ginger Fightis? Or if you're not a redhead, Anna Phylactic Shock? Bettie Rage? No, wait, I've got it: Barrelin' Monroe. You're welcome.
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		137		rolling stone Though the rolling stone is ancient, it shows no sign of either slowing down or innovating. The fastest way to neutralize a rolling stone is to paint it black. Most rolling stones are gray, but they do come in colors, too.
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		400		rotten dolphin thief Dolphins are the smartest fish in the ocean, but not smart enough to know dolphins are mammals, not fish. Dolphins are actually communicating when it looks like they're doing tricks. For example, three front flips means "screw you," waving with a flipper while balancing on the tail means, "go jump in a lake" . . . Male dolphins have a penis that is two feet long and curved like an S. Female dolphins don't have a penis.
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		175		rotund duck The rotund duck has a genetic condition, okay? The rotund duck's so fat it can't even fit into its little sailor hat and jacket anymore. It's hard to tell where the rotund duck's chins stop and its belly rolls begin.
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		140		running man Other popular rave dances similar to "The Running Man" are "Amateur Martial Artist", "Man With Bicycle Pump", and "Preening Douchebag". The glowy stuff in raver lightsticks is theoretically non-toxic, but you still probably shouldn't drink it. It isn't likely to give you superpowers, unless "defective liver" is a superpower. Ravers keep their energy for all-night danceathons by drinking a lot of "smart drinks". This is slightly ironic, and probably false advertising.
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		1		rushing bum Don't feel bad about beating up rushing bums; they all choose to be homeless and if they'd only work a little harder, they'd be millionaires! The speed of a rushing bum is equal to the distance covered divided by time. When two rushing bums collide with each other, the force generated by each bum is multiplied.
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Unobtainable

		30		rock homunculus The rock homunculus is mostly igneous rock, with a little bit of shale thrown in for color. The homonculus's head is a geode; if you break it open, it's full of crystals. The proper plural of homunculus is homunculi, like the plural of schoolbus is schoolbi.
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		10		rock snake A pebbleworm is a creature similar to a rock snake, but worn smooth by river or ocean currents. Rock snakes make decent pets, but they will scuff the hell out of a hardwood floor, so be careful to keep them in their cage or on carpet. I can't think of anything else to say about the rock snake, except that it totally looks like Cookie Monster.
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References

• The Rock Scorpion's fatality fact is a reference to the Mortal Kombat video game series, which featured a fighter named Scorpion.
• The Rotund Duck's little sailor hat and jacket refer of course to Donald Duck.