Monster Manuel (L)

There are 70 creatures filed under L.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		44		L imp The reason the L Imp is so aggro is that he's got two broken legs and only one cast. You can calm a raging L Imp by offering to sign his cast, then enrage it by drawing a cock 'n' balls on there. The L Imp broke his legs in a downhill skiing accident on the frozen slopes of the Glacier of Jerks in the Suburbs of Dis.
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		200		lab monkey Lab monkey doesn't have a warm, fuzzy secret heart. When the scientists vivisected it, the heart was neither secret nor hirsute. Lab monkey thinks maybe the scientists should try dissecting each other, for a change. Lab monkey hopes all that experimentation was to cure cancer or something. It'd be mortified if it learned it was testing new kinds of shampoo.
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		79		Lamz0r N00b Everybody was a lamz0r n00b at one time or another, but most people manage to block such shameful memories from their minds. The n00b's black hat with the chains coming down the sides kind of makes him look like a Hasidic Jewish guy. Okay, well, maybe it's just me? The world's lamz0rest n00b was known only as "xXxDarkBlade999xXx", whose last known communication was a forum post saying only "how come i not breath?"
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		?		large hostile animal Spacegate scientists essentially divide all animals of this size into two categories: crablike and cowlike. The specific difference between the categories is the subject of some debate, but it mostly revolves around whether grilling or boiling the animal results in the tastiest entree. Some of the more crackpot Spacegate scientists propose the theoretical existence of a third kind of animal: one that is the exact right size to fit into a rotisserie oven.
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		0		large hostile plant To the first caveman, Earth's trees probably looked pretty alien. To the second caveman, it probably seemed like a pretty good idea to invent the axe. The first lumberjack was probably pretty racist against trees, if you think about it.
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		57		large kobold Most kobolds are weird little dog-lizard men. I have no idea why this one looks like the letter k. Maybe he doesn't get enough vitamins? Oh, maybe it's because only the head is pictured, and the rest of the body is the 'obold'? Unlike most humanoids, kobods lay eggs. In kobold society, it is considered taboo -- or at least kind of gross -- to eat your own unfertilized eggs for breakfast.
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		98		largish blob of gray goo Actually, there's no such thing as cotton atoms. We apologize for the misinformation. Other things that do not actually appear on the periodic table of elements include: candy, money, puns, farts, lip gloss, Bill Cosby, hope, luck, fish, and new car smell. If you arranged all of a person's atoms in a straight line, it would stretch 416.3 trillion miles, or 70.82 light years. Thanks, Wolfram Alpha!
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		70		Larry of the Field of Signs Larry's enthusiasm for violence cannot be curbed. Larry once ate an entire side of beef, not realizing that having done so would cause a seemingly unrelated and hilarious thing to happen six hours later. That beef was awesome. Larry regrets nothing.
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		165		larval filthworm Larval filthworms are just as eager to bite the crap out of you as adults are, but their little teeth can't break your skin. Larval filthworms take about three weeks to mature, but they don't start growing facial hair for years. Larval filthworms eat the filthmilk of the filthworm queen. I don't recommend using it on cereal.
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		0		laser lancing This is not the same kind of laser as from the pear tree. These lasers are actually harvested from cantaloupe patches. A cantaloupe is a special sort of eyepiece you use to look at really small melons.
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		70		lava golem Lava is hot. I mean like really hot. It is crazy hot you guys. Lava appears red because only the red photons are heat-resistant enough to not be instantly vaporized when they touch it. A bucket of hot lava will keep your coffee warm for a pretty long time.
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		110		lava lamprey The word 'lamprey' is possibly derived from the Latin for "stone licker". ...I guess? Okay? Some people think lampreys are delicious. Some people will eat goddamn anything. A lamprey mashed into paste is an excellent way to deal with the existence of a nearby lamprey.
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		250		Lavalos The name Lavalos comes from two ancient words: 'los', meaning 'big', and 'lava', meaning 'pain in the ass' This is actually only Lavalos's first form. The other two were omitted for reasons of space and because they make even less sense. Your hair probably isn't spiky enough to beat the final form anyway.
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		90		lavatory Lavatories are also sometimes called 'WC's, which stands for 'Warm Conservative'. Political parties would be more fun if there were balloons. I know very, very little about how the British government works.
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		?		leaviathan All the leaves in the Leaviathan are brown. All the leaves are brown. When the Leaviathan is around, all the skies are gray. All the skies are gray. You generally wish you were safe and warm, instead of battling the Leaviathan.
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		50		legal alien It is not, strictly speaking, legal to shoot people with a death ray, even if they're being jerks. No, he isn't a busboy or a day laborer. He's a management consultant, thank you very much. By a wild coincidence, the word for 'racism' in his native language is an anagram of '%playername'. By another wild coincidence, his native language uses the same glyphs as ours.
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		?		Legstrong™ stationary bicycle Legstrong™ bikes are the best! If you don't agree, I'll just take my ball and go home. Legstrong™ stationary bikes all come with a complimentary Legstrong™ rubber wristband. It's not recommended you wear the wristband while riding, though, as it might get caught on the handlebars and rip your hand off.
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		17		lemon-in-the-box The lemon-in-the-box is probably a leftover favor from a lemon-themed party. Lemons-in-the-box are annoying, but handy if you have a tall glass of iced tea that's got too much sugar in it. Lemons-in-the-box are gradually being supplanted in the evil minion workforce by coconuts-in-the-box, which pack more of a wallop.
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		?		lemonhead minnow Lemonhead minnows are due for a comeback any day now. Lemonhead minnows eat nothing but lemongrass. Lemonhead minnows are kind of handy, because lemon and fish go together nicely.
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		0		Leonard Leonard's last name is "Wilkins". Leonard's favorite color is forest green. Leonard is thirty-two years old.
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		17		Lesser Fruit Golem Fernswarthy made the lesser fruit golem because the regular fruit golem had too much fruit in it, and he never managed to finish it before it went bad. The lesser fruit golem's banana arms look a bit like wings, but nevertheless it cannot fly -- regardless of any jokes you may have heard to the contrary. Have you ever gotten a strawberry from a lesser fruit golem, then looked back at the picture and wondered where it came from? You don't want to know.
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		400		Ley Incursion LyleCo and its subsidiaries deny any knowledge of any research projects involving the harnessing of ley energy. LyleCo doesn't even employ anyone named Professor Holden Dinglefield. Where did you even hear that name? Look, Holden Dinglefield is a rogue element. Even if he did work for us, just supposing he did, he wouldn't follow orders -- he'd do whatever crazy science crap occurred to him at any given time, and wait a minute I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE.
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		?		licorice snake Licorice snakes like to roll around in natural salt deposits to make them even more delicious. Licorice snakes develop a candy coating during the "bridge mix" phase of their life cycle. They eventually outgrow it and slough it off. Licorice snake eggs look like little licorice coins.
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		20		lihc A lihc is the spirit of a powerful wizard, who has traded his soul for eternal life. One would think, wizards being pretty smart and all, that they would read the fine print more carefully. The tentacles coming off the bottom of the lihc's skull are actually the ghostly remains of the wizard's beard. Okay, well, I made that up just now, but it might be true! How many lihcs does it take to get to the Tootsie-roll center of a Tootsie-pop? Since lihcs are incorporeal, and incapable of actually consuming said Tootsie-pop, the world may never know.
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		140		liquid metal bugbear One sure way to defeat a liquid metal bugbear is to use it to fill a couple hundred old-school thermometers. The liquid metal bugbear runs on Bugbear OS 8, so it can multi-task, but it chugs a little when displaying HD video. The liquid metal bugbear contains no user-serviceable parts, and freezing it in liquid nitrogen voids the warranty.
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		140		liquid metal robot Some scientists believe that liquid metal robots are not a human invention, but the natural result of metallic amoebas achieving sentience and intelligence. Some scientists believe very strange things. Rehabilitated liquid metal robots are in high demand as surgical assistants, animated funhouse mirrors, and dancing lady-shaped disco balls. Liquid metal robots hate milk! Nobody knows why this is, but you should never drink milk in front of one. Especially not right out of the carton.
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		0		liquid plumber Liquid plumbers are not made of poo. They just smell that way because of their working conditions. Never allow a liquid plumber to drink bleach. Liquid Plumbers tried to form a union once, but they got confused about which bits belonged to who.
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		36		little blob of gray goo This "blob" is actually more like a pile of dust, but piles of dust aren't as scary as blobs. Seriously, can you imagine a horror movie called "The Pile of Dust"? No, you can't. If you converted all the carbon in a person into good-quality 1-carat diamonds, they would be worth about 400 million dollars. All the calcium in an average human would make a sphere the size of a softball, worth slightly less than five dollars.
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		165		Little Lord Spookyraven Little Lord Spookyraven was so weird-looking as a kid that people thought he might have Benjamin Button disease. It wasn't that, though. It was just a run-of-the-mill ancient family curse. I'd tell you the details of how the ancient family curse came to be, but even knowing the names of the parties involved would put you at risk.
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		165		Little Man in the Canoe Some say the canoe looks more like a kayak, but the people really pushing for that are scientists from the Palindome. The little man is not wearing any flotation devices, so he's engaging in very unsafe canoeing. Carrying a canoe over land between bodies of water is called "portage."
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		?		lively Cajun accordionist The Cajun accordionist plays Zydeco, a mix of jazz, swing, and ragtime that you'll love, I gar-OHN-tee! The Cajun accordionist's favorite kind of mustard is Di-JOHN. The Cajun accordionist has a dog. It's a papilli-OHN.
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		30		loaf of Bread of Wonder Bread of Wonder, since it's metaphorical, has no calories. Bread of Wonder is gluten-free, too. But it does tend to turn to paste and get stuck behind your front teeth if you're not careful.
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		171		lobsterfrogman There is much scientific debate about whether or not a lobsterfrogman feels pain when one boils it alive. There is no scientific debate about the fact that lobsterfrogmen are so unpleasant that no one cares if they feel pain or not. If you handle a lobsterfrogman too much, you'll get warts with barnacles on them.
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		20		lollicat Lollicats are able to see in a much wider spectrum than humans, and consequently are often found interacting with objects that appear entirely invisible to the casual observer. Lollicats are unusual among candy-based life forms for having a fairly elaborate religion. It hasn't caught on outside of their species, because their god is kind of a peeping tom, and that's creepy. Lollicats don't dress up in frilly skirts. You're thinking of something else.
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		20		lolligator The lolligator occasionally appears to be crying sugar tears, but it just totally has something in its eye, okay? It just . . . it just needs a minute. Lolligators lazily lounge in lagoons and lakes, because lolligators love alliteration. Oh, man, can you imagine that last factoid in Elmer Fudd's voice? Hilarious. Anyway, lolligators. Since they're made of sugar, they eventually dissolve into whatever body of water they live in. Another example of intelligent design.
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		20		lollipede The lollipede's fangs are made from sugar glass, the only kind of glass that can hurt diabetics (except for, y'know, regular glass). The lollipede's butt-mandibles evolved to keep kids from eating it. Since children always eat the heads off of candy animals and insects first, they didn't know where to bite. The lollipede skitters surprisingly quickly on its 12 jointless, stumpy legs. Scientists agree that it's pretty freaky.
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		40		lolliphaunt A single lolliphaunt contains enough sugar to completely spazz out eight preschoolers. Most lolliphaunts are green-apple-flavored, though occasional mutants are banana-flavored. The lolliphaunts trunk is black licorice, because red licorice isn't really licorice.
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		200		LOLmec LOLmec weighs 69,420 lbs. Despite being the god of hilarity, LOLmec never laughed, because he had no lungs, and also because his face was solid gold and thus incapable of movement. Sacrifices to LOLmec involved a lot of banana peels, joke books, and beheadings of important political figures.
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		60		lolrus Some people think the lolrus is kind of creepy-looking, but man! You should have seen the original version! Though clumsy on the land, lolrusses are very fast swimmers. They have to be, or else they'd dissolve before they got anywhere. Despite being made of red rock candy, lolrusses aren't made for eating -- just for looking through.
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		300		lonely construct All it really wants is a hug. Go on. Give it a hug. Wait, "humming silently to itself"? Isn't silent humming a direct contradiction in terms? Lonely constructs are excellent, if repetitive, dancers.
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		300		lonely construct You shouldn't wonder why a robot would feel lonely. I mean, if it's programmed to feel lonely, it's gonna. You should wonder why someone programmed it that way, though. I mean, seriously, it's like programming a robot to feel pain so you can torture it. What's up with that? The lonely construct isn't really trying to hurt you, but it wasn't programmed to be sensitive to causing pain in others. Presumably because they were too busy programming it to be lonely.
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		80		loose coalition of yetis, snowmen, and goats Yetis and goats are natural enemies, because goats think yetis are mean and yetis think goats are delicious. Ninja snowmen and goats are natural allies, because they both enjoy goats' milk milkshakes. Ninja snowmen and yetis like each other, but not in that way.
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		165		Lord Beastlyraven I know the transformation wouldn't actually change his last name. I just thought it was cute. You really have to be careful with those mystical incantations -- a lot of them are deliberate tongue-twisters, because the entities that made them up were real bastards. I guess it would've made more sense for him to turn into a were-raven. Oh well, I'm not writing it all again. It's late!
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		170		Lord Cyberraven Lord Spookyraven has really gone too far this time. They're gonna cancel his life insurance policy for sure. The lungs don't even do anything, they're just there to look creepy.
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		175		Lord Soggyraven Lord Soggyraven isn't at all like a writing desk. Your paper would turn to pulp in seconds if you used him like one! Lord Soggyraven doesn't really drink wine. He just dilutes it. Lord Soggyraven, since he's not a dessicated, re-animated corpse, smells a lot better than Lord Spookyraven.
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		165		Lord Sootyraven The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of burning your finger really bad on an electric stove. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to setting stuff on fire. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of a campfire.
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		165		Lord Spookyraven Lord Spookyraven's first name is Maurice, though most of his friends called him Murray. Like most great magicians, Lord Spookyraven is extremely old. This lack of young magicians has to do with new, modern methods of teaching mathematics, which don't stimulate the correct areas of the pupils' brains. Over the years, Lord Spookyraven made deals with so many demons, devils, and other supernatural entities, that he was eventually forced to invent the Rolodex.
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		3		Lot's Wife The Lot's Wife smelled pretty bad even before she turned into a pillar of garbage. The same wizard that cursed her husband also tricked her into buying a lifetime's supply of cursed deodorant. If you hadn't come along and put her out of her misery, it wouldn't have been long before the Lot's Wife got fed up with her miserable existence and threw herself into a disposal.
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		400		lounge lizardfish Attempts have been made to stop children from encountering lounge lizardfish, but it turned out all the trivia questions were pretty easy to look up. Lizardfish have teeth on their tongue. This may help explain why they never get laid. Since fish don't have hair (practically by definition), marine biologists find lounge lizardfish very interesting. At least, until the lounge lizardfish start hitting on the lady marine biologists, and everyone gets kind of disgusted and leaves.
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		?		LOV Enforcer The L.O.V.'s security protocols are a little weird but I guess that's bureaucracy for you. Why are Enforcers always so gruff? There should be Niceness Enforcers. Maybe his fists just really love you and he's enforcing fist snuggles.
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		?		LOV Engineer The yellow one is for power to the coffee-maker in the employee break room. If you want to borrow her tools, you will need to leave a finger as collateral. She worked hard to get to where she is today -- about a thousand kilometers away from everyone else on the planet.
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		?		LOV Equivocator Have you ever met a trustworthy guy with a comb-over? Remarkably, he really does own that bridge and could legit sell it to you. But yeah, good luck getting the post office to haul it to your place. Everything he says is true, and he didn't pay me $50 to say that.
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		30		lovesick ghost Lovesick ghosts make adorable noises in an effort to attract mates. This never works, because lovesick ghosts do not have ears. You'd think they'd catch on.
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		0		lovestruck goth dude Even goths don't like to read other goths' poetry. Goth poetry is hard, because all the rhymes for 'dark' are things like 'quark' and 'aardvark'. What are teenage goth dudes into, now that "The Crow" is like twenty years old? I'm so out of touch.
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		?		Lovestruck Tropical Honeymooners The average honeymoon costs 1,000,000 meat per day. More marriages are consummated on sandy dunes than on any other surface. 99% of all honeymoons end in airports.
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		0		low-level mook "Mook" is a fun word to say. Mook mook mook. Don't dismiss the lowly mook. They may be modern version of a goblin, but how would you level up without them? Never feed a mook peanut butter -- they cannot digest it properly.
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		58		lowercase B Adventurers have sometimes reported that the letter b speaks words of wisdom, but none remember the words afterward. What key does the letter b sing in while he's in his apartment? B flat. The b is a disappointment to his overbearing father, who was hoping for an a.
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		59		lowercase H The h stands for hate. The h is hungry. For your blood. The h is irritated that its cousins are part of words like laughter and happy.
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		57		lowercase K K's tend to trap their lairs with pits to catch prey, so when fighting one it's important to be careful so you don't fall in a k-hole. For some reason, lowercase k's become much more obedient when encountered in pairs. Other letters known for their violent tendancies are the killer b, the ninja e, the þ, and the murderyou.
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		62		lucky cat statue Like most items of folklore and symbolism, nobody can agree on where lucky cat statues came from, or what is represented by their different styles and poses. Lucky cat statues are the same breed of cat as Iiti Kitty. except[sic] they have mouths. Was Iiti Kitty's mouth surgically removed? Nobody knows. If you feel like you need more money yourself, you could leave a penny on the cat's head for luck. Or you could keep the penny, and hey! You're a penny richer!
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		0		Luggage-Handling Trainbot Asimov wrote a Fourth Law of Robotics that was "a robot must never lose a human's luggage" but nobody ever took it seriously. If you want to know how tight a luggage robot's lugs are, you should measure them with a lug gauge. The lugs are always too lose[sic]. That's why the luggage always gets lost.
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		40		lumberjack supervisor The leading cause of death for lumberjacks is not, you might think, being crushed by falling trees, or saw-related accidents. It's maple syrup overdose, usually brought on by binge syruping at lumberjack parties. Many lumberjacks suffer from tree-based respiratory allergies, and become lumberjacks in order to get revenge. Since the advent of grunge rock, lumberjacks have largely given up on plaid flannel work-shirts, and now prefer argyle sweater-vests.
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		36		lumberjill No Lumberjill has ever won the Lumberjack Games. But, to be fair, they're not allowed to compete. Lumberjills have a flannel shirt and jeans for work, and a fancy flannel shirt and jeans for when they're hitting the town. Lumberjills are always nagging you about leaving the seat up, guys, am I right? Am I right, guys? Uh, guys?
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		35		lumberjuan There are female lumberjuans, or "lumberjuanitas," but you never see them out throwing themselves at adventurers, because they're not that kind of girls. Most lumberjuans greatly enjoy their time spent chopping down maple trees in Little Canadia, since at home they have to chop down prickly pear cacti. Ever since a lumberjuan figured out how to make a tequila-like booze out of maple syrup, membership in the Lumberjack Exchange Program has skyrocketed.
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		200		Lumpy, the Demonic Sauceblob Demonic sauceblobs are higher in trans fats and cholesterol than regular sauceblobs. And, y'know, they're likely to rip your head off. So they're definitely hazardous to your help. Most demonic sauces just contain a lot of really hot peppers and have names like "Rectal XXXploder," but the demonic sauceblob contains actual demonic energy. Lumpy's demonic pseudopods are tipped with poisonous, cumin-filled spikes.
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		170		Lumpy, the Sinister Sauceblob Although Lumpy is an amalgamation of all manner of different sauces and gravies, he is actually almost 30% Branston Pickle. This is why he's called "Lumpy". It is fortunate that the Spaghetti Elemental and Lumpy are both too egotistical to form a team-up, as they would become almost unstoppable. Lumpy's favorite breakfast cereal is "Cracklin' Fruit Boulders".
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		185		Lumpy, the Sinister Sauceblob Lumpy can extrude pseudopods up to 15 feet long. The pseudopods vary in length depending on the temperature, as Lumpy congeals in cold weather. There's enough sodium in one of Lumpy's pseudopods to kill a full-grown man, unless that man's built up immunity eating salt & vinegar chips dipped in soy sauce.
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		27		Lumpy, the Sinister Sauceblob Lumpy got his nickname because the acidity of his bolognese bits caused his alfredo bits to clot. Lumpy has remnants of every sauce in him, including all those hot sauces with names like "Colonel Colon Imploder's Rectum-Wreckin' Anal Death Sauce." Okay, I'll confess: Lumpy's real name is Marion.
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		150		lynyrd Lynyrds are simple animals; they eat, poop, and claw the crap out of anyone who comes near. If you see a wild lynyrd, turn around and walk away. Lynyrds will give you at least three steps before giving chase. Lynyrds are also one of the few wild animals who know how to use firearms, and they're absurdly proud of that fact.
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		140		lynyrd skinner Lynyrd skinners are freelance, paid by the pelt. There aren't many lynyrd skinners in the world, since the only place lynyrds live is right there by the zeppelin. Lynyrd skinners also hunt and stuff birds, but they give those away for free.
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References

• The leaviathan messages quote the lyrics to the song California Dreamin' by The Mamas & the Papas.
• The lounge lizardfish's first entry is a reference to the trivia-question copy protection of the first Leisure Suit Larry game, subtitled "In the Land of the Lounge Lizards."
• Each of Larry of the Field of Signs' factoids is a reference to Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm writer/producer Larry David.
• The lemon-themed party mentioned by the lemon-in-the-box is undoubtedly the "Lemon Party" shock site.