Monster Manuel (E)

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Monster Manuel Entries

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		300		E.V.E., the robot zombie E.V.E.'s operating system was reverse-engineered from the Bugbear OS that the alien bugbears used. Remember that challenge path? If not, you should totally try it. E.V.E. was originally going to be called A.L.I.C.E., but no one could come up with what the letters should stand for. E.V.E. is no brainless automaton. She's got brains -- three, in fact, from some of the best scientists alive. Er, or not so much alive, now.
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		145		eagle A baby eagle is called an aglet. Eagle aeries are frequently taken over by faeries, until the eagles tell them to get the "f" out. Bald eagles aren't really bald; they shave their heads to look more badass.
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		180		Ed the Undying Very little is known about Ed the Undying or his reign as emperor. Some historians have attemped to ask him personally, but he keeps feeding their entrails to jackal-demons. After discovering the secret of immortality, Ed went to great lengths to have plenty of servants and comfortable furnishings in his huge tomb. Prior to that, Emperors were sealed in rather small stone boxes, and his opinion was, naturally, "Screw that!" Nobody knows how Ed acquired such comprehensive immortality. The only detail anyone's been able to get out of him was "I eat a lot of prunes."
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		99999		El Diablo El Diablo's strings are made from human souls, stretched very tight and thin. This is less uncomfortable for the souls than you might think. Only 375 of the Gibson Flying V bass were produced, making this a very rare guitar which you should probably feel kind of bad about smashing up all the time. Damon Albarn owns a red 1981 Gibson Flying V bass identical to El Diablo, but his was probably not previously owned by the devil.
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		145		Elders of the Gentle Race If the Elders of the Gentle Race were in an actual race, they would undoubtedly lose -- they're old! The Gentle Race prefer to spend most of its time whittling sticks on the front porch, and telling boring stories to nobody in particular. Back in the Elders of the Gentle Race's day, a loaf of bread only cost 5 Meat!
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		?		Eldritch Tentacle Don't tell it about your record contract, you'll just make it angry. Not all tentacles are horrible and evil! Some octopusses are quite nice, you know. I don't recommend you try to imagine what the monster on the other end of that tentacle looks like. It probably feeds on that, somehow.
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		99999		Electron Submarine The electron submarine sometimes hands out neutrons on its day off. Free of charge. The electron submarine never has protons on board, of that I'm positive. The electron submarine glows a bright, cheery yellow, like an irradiated canary.
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		55		elegant animated nightstand Just one elegant nightstand like this one costs more than an adventurer makes in a year, even a dedicated meat farmer. Just 1% of the population of Loathing owns 99% of the nightstands like this one. Actually, since Lady Spookyraven died, 0% of the population owns them. Lord Spookyraven begged Lady Spookyraven to sell some of her nightstand collection when the coffers ran dry. Lady Spookyraven countered that she would rather sell one of the children.
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		85		elephant (meatcar?) topiary animal Occasionally, elephants can forget, provided they drink enough. When elephants get drunk, they see pink people. I mean, I guess most white guys are actually pink, so it's not that weird they'd be around when an elephant's drunk.
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		0		Elf Guard arctic seal They clutch the knives in their teeth to keep them from chattering. The teeth, not the knives. Well, both, I guess. Don't get scammed by SCUBA flippers -- you should buy your SCUBA new, not secondhand. They used to call these guys the White Berets, but the berets smelled weird when they got wet.
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		0		Elf Guard armorer Early attempts at elf armor basically consisted of wrapping tinfoil around a guy until he couldn't move, and then taking a little bit off. The hardest part of an elf to armor is the big pointy ears. The armorers basically gave up and just put holes in the sides of the helmets. Sometimes you see an elf veteran wearing an earpatch. Experiments were made in making the helmets really tall, so assailants would assume a human-sized enemy and attack the wrong place. But they were too heavy and the elves kept falling over.
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		0		Elf Guard chemist If you've got a problem, she's got the cure. So long as the cure for your problem is "getting drunk". If your problem happens to be "not drunk", oh boy, she really has a cure for that one. Bartending is like alchemy, except instead of using chemical solvents to make gold, you sell chemical solvents to make gold.
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		?		Elf Guard conscript Don't let him show you a picture of his girlfriend! That's the leading cause of death among these guys! His sergeant made him write the instructions for hand grenades on the back of his hand. So far he's only up to a six-yard stare, but it's a good start.
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		?		Elf Guard convict It would be properly ironic if he'd gone to prison for murdering pirates. He tried to break out of prison before they came to get him, but his escape tunnel opened directly into a foxhole. He wasn't issued a rifle because they didn't have any made entirely out of transparent plastic.
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		0		Elf Guard desserter Everyone's very careful to be complimentary about her food, because they're afraid she might run away. Occasionally someone gets double-confused and thinks she's gonna run away to Egypt. Very occasionally, someone gets really confused and thinks she's gonna run away because the food has sand in it.
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		0		Elf Guard engineer They laughed when she bulletproofed the Crimbo Town train. "Who's gonna shoot guns at us? The Tooth Fairy?" Well, who's laughing now? The qualification for becoming an engineer is just whether or not the elf understands that the usual "replace a normal thing with a Crimbo thing" pattern does not extend to electrical wiring and tinsel. I bet you thought those talking teddy bears work via trapped human souls. Nope! They also have electronics!
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		0		Elf Guard fuel courier The elf military uses peppermint oil for basically everything -- fuel, lamps, firebombs, machine and gun lubricant, even tummyaches! It's great for tummyaches. Spearmint oil? No thanks. Fudge that stuff, the elf soldiers say! They are gruff and unshaven, and have dirty mouths. If the war doesn't end soon, there might not be enough peppermint oil left for peppermint sticks! They might just be plain sticks this year!
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		?		Elf Guard general To be clear, he's one of the generals in charge of the elf guards. He's not just an elf guard who guards everything indiscriminately. The elves often find it hard to climb up the ranks, because they all have those stubby little arms and legs. Okay yes the previous joke was really dumb, but I've got like eighty of these to write.
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		0		Elf Guard ordnance packer Let's face it -- if someone gave you a bomb, you'd feel better about it if it had a nice bow on top, right? For a moment, at least. The hardest part of being an elf ordnance packer is when the war's over and you go back to regular gift-wrapping, and have to remember not to put any bombs in there. Bombs account for 93% of the elf military's glitter usage, by weight.
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		?		Elf Guard private The first thing they made her do at boot camp was take off her curly-toed shoes and put on some boots. The second thing they made her do at boot camp was put little rubber gaskets around all her jingle bells. This is the last factoid I have to write for Crimbo 2023. Yayyyyy
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		0		Elf Guard provisioner All elf provisioners are called "Cookie". It's not because they cook the food, it's just a coincidence. Cookie is a very common elf name. Many elf provisioners moonlight as architechts, due to their experience making gingerbread houses. Where do the elves keep the food when there isn't a war? No, I can't tell you, I don't know either.
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		0		Elf Guard Red and White Beret Red berets and white paint would also work. But you'd probably need to do the paint in a couple of coats. In peace times, these soldiers are tasked with guarding the mint, which is where the mints are made. They guard those too. These soldiers have been trained to kill silently, which makes them a little scary to play charades with.
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		?		Elf Guard requisitions officer If you have a request, this is the guy you go to. Will you get whatever it was you wanted? Who knows -- he's not the distributions officer. The three most common items of equipment requested in the elf military are BBs, festive-patterned bandaids, and amphetamines. The three least common items of equipment requested in the elf military are beachballs, poodle skirts, and horse pheromones.
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		0		Elf Guard sanitation officer Normally, this guy only has to deal with giftwrap off-cuts and sweeping up glitter. His town being invaded by pirates is a real change of pace. He prepared for the fighting by sharpening all the bristles on his broom. You ever see someone picking up trash with one of those sticks with a nail on the end? I bet this guy wishes he had one of those.
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		0		Elf Guard shore leave specialist If he offers you an officer's nog, make sure he isn't actually saying an "officer snog". Unless you're into that. He's knowledgable in all forms of vacation, including foreign travel, camping, staycations, and even workcations. That last one is for experts only. He takes so many vacations, he sometimes yearns to go back to work to get away from his vacations.
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		0		Elf Guard steward She will get extremely angry if you call her a stewardess. Not because of any progressive or equitable beliefs, she just has a sister who's a flight attendant and they've always had a weirdly intense rivalry. Glorified waitress, if you ask her. All that extra radiation ruining your skin and giving you God knows what kind of cancer. Why doesn't Mom understand how much Janice's entire deal just sucks. It's not fair.
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		?		Elf Guard strategist Elf guards don't usually have to deal with anything worse than someone "accidentally" kiting a polar bear into Crimbo Town, so these are exciting times! The most called-upon strategy in the elf military playbook is "Everyone don't run away screaming." It's called "Maneuver Alpha-One". The second most called-upon strategy in the elf military playbook is Maneuver Beta-Eleven, which means "bite the ankles".
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		190		Elite Beer Bongadier The beer bongadier never drinks beer himself. He does constantly pound shots of licorice-flavored schnapps, though, so don't feel bad for him. Beer bongadiers have a high turnover rate, since they can't carry two beer bongs and a paddle at the same time, and eventually get tired of not spanking people. The beer bongs the bongadier uses are manufactured to the exacting tactical specifications of the Frat Army, and can stop a bullet. Or at least make you forget you just got shot.
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		38		Elpízo & Crosybdis Many soldiers in war-torn lands revere these monsters as demigods, and worship their images to increase morale. These horrible creatures migrate frequently, and have been reported in distant lands such as Singapore, Morocco, Zanzibar, and Hong Kong. Some say these creatures were created by the evil sorceress Dharthea L'morr, but this has never been verified, as she hasn't been heard from in ages.
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		60		emaciated Knott Yeti Penguins and yetis are natural enemies. Unfortunately for the yetis, the penguins invented things like guns and organizational structures first. I am writing these factoids years after the fact and honestly I don't really remember what was going on with these guys. "Skinny Yetis" is my favorite Gwen Stefani song.
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		?		emaciated rodeo clown When The Cows Came Home, rodeo clowns' jobs got much harder. An angry bull is one thing, but an angry demon bull is that thing plus a lot of fire and madness. Many rodeo clowns turned to ancient forbidden magic in order to increase their chances of survival. The net result is that 100% of rodeo clowns are now completely insane, either from exposure to ancient forbidden magic or exposure to horrifying demonic cows.
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		?		Embering Hulk An embering hulk can be reignited up to 72 hours after appearing to be extinguished. The hulking ember is a less worrisome cousin species. The Hulk encounters and Embering Hulk in issue #4 of the crossover series.
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		175		Emily Koops, a spooky lime Marge, let's send a sadness telegram: EMILY KOOPS DEAD TWICE STOP Limecanthropy is basically the exact opposite of scurvy. It makes you strong, heals old wounds, and you contract it when a lime bites you. What can one say about the sad life of the soldier Emily Koops? Pretty much nothing at all, if I have to do it in palindromes. I am burned right out.
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		60		empty suit of armor What force is powerful enough to make a completely empty suit of armor move on its own accord and attack the living? Boredom. If someone had taken better care for the armor and not let it get so rusty, it might serve better as a household guard. I guess Lord Spookyraven decided ambience was more important. The Spookyraven family is famous for being (among other things) the gothiest family in heraldry -- their crest is in fact a totally black shield with no charges. How much more black could it be? None. None more black.
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		99999		endangered inflatable white tiger The wild population of inflatable tigers is kept under control by the availability of inflatable zebra prey. Half of the remaining population of inflatable white tigers are named Roy. The other half are named Clark. If you are ever trapped on a desert island with an inflatable white tiger, you should probably just lie down and let him eat you, because buddy, you are screwed!
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		?		endless winter Personally, I like winter a lot, but then I'm not happy if it's even the tiniest bit warm in the room, so your mileage may vary. Everywhere that has winter has its midwinter festivals because everyone needs a little encouragement and celebration for having made it halfway through without freezing or starving to death. Details of actual Yule traditions didn't really fit here but I encourage looking it up on Wikipedia coz it sounds way hardcore.
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		230		enormous blob of gray goo A human being is 65% oxygen. However, this does not mean you can breathe a guy. The amount of gold in a human body would make a cube approximately 1/5th of a millimeter wide. More if you've had a shot of Goldschlager recently. Realistically, the threat of the planet being entirely consumed by out-of-control self-replicating nanobots is far less significant than the risk of cancer from inhaling too many nanotubes -- but that's a way less interesting thing to be afraid of.
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		99999		Enraged Cow Don't worry, she doesn't have Mad Cow Disease. How could she? She's a helicopter. Enraged cow milk has a very strong bitter flavor. and cheese made out of it is frequently used as a replacement for mothballs. Enraged cows don't make very good hamburgers, due to the bitter flavor of the meat and their tendancy[sic] to deliberately go down the wrong throat tube in an attempt to kill the person eating them.
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		0		Entire Shoplifter Some disreputable super-stores have been known to hire Entire Shoplifters to get rid of their competition. The trickiest part of stealing entire stores is fencing them afterward. So most shoplifters steal the fences too. The most famous Entire Shoplifter ever was known only as Black Friday -- he stole an online e-book retailer, somehow.
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		171		erudite gremlin The erudite gremlin prefers his eviscerations with a highball glass of 12-year-old Scotch, neat. The erudite gremlin wears aviator goggles and a snappy scarf while ripping the engines off of airplanes. The erudite gremlin knows what brand of cigar will perfectly complement ripping deep gouges in someone's flesh.
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		171		erudite gremlin The erudite gremlin has an I.Q. of 210, but the test he took was gremlin-biased. The erudite gremlin has a high I.Q. but is awkward in social situations and has trouble displaying empathy. The erudite gremlin's smart, sure, but he doesn't have any street smarts.
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		?		Escalatormaster™ The Escalatormaster™ counts stairs climbed, calories burned, and number of bends left in your knee-joints. The Escalatormaster™ can be combined with time on the treadmill to simulate helping a friend move into a walk-up fourteenth-story apartment. The Escalatormaster™ actually can be out of order. Since it's only about three stairs long. It'd make a lousy piece of work-out equipment without power.
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		25		Essence of Interspecies Respect Most adventurers already demonstrate a profound degree of interspecies respect, by being completely undiscriminating in what sort of opponents they're willing to beat the hell out of. How is a guy with cat ears supposed to foster interspecies respect? If I saw a cat wearing a pair of human ears, I would either run away or look for a weapon. Is it ironic that the people who go on endlessly about interspecies respect aren't much respected by anyone, regardless of species? No, probably not.
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		30		Essence of Soy Overindulgence in soy products can lead to elevated levels of estrogen, as if you didn't know that already. The Essence of Soy had a brief affair with the Essence of Bloody Mary Mix a while ago. Their union was brief, but delicious, especially with the Essence of Bleu-Cheese Stuffed Olive on the side. The lethal dose of soy sauce is around 12 to 18 ounces. The lethal dose of Essence of Soy depends on how hard it hits you.
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		20		Essence of Tofu Essence of tofu takes on the flavor of whatever you cook it with, but is so bland that it overpowers whatever that flavor is without even trying. There is only one essence of tofu -- no universe would be so cruel as to inflict more than that on its occupants. Every time you defeat it, it comes back, exactly as strong. Toe-Fu would be a good name for a martial art.
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		60		evil cultist Back in Krakrox's time, joining some kind of evil cult was basically just the same as joining the Elks Club, or a local bowling league. There wasn't much else to do on a Tuesday night. Why would anyone join an organization that worships an ancient monster that wants to destroy the world? Well, they have a pretty good dental plan. Actually, horrible ancient alien gods are frequently great partiers. Nyarlathotep, for example, has a great sense of humor, and Azathoth even brings his own musicians.
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		0		evil ex-girlfriend Spoons Liu is currently studying to become an Orthodox Jew, so she can fire energy beams from her eyes. Since there was no opportunity to buy the mini-hipster before it was cool, it was a poorly-selling item of the month. Scott Pilgrim was an underrated comic and movie, man. You should totally check it out.
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		145		Evil Olive Evil olives are stuffed with pimento, blue cheese, garlic, and rage. Evil olive juice is an essential ingredient in an evil dirty martini. It's not clear whether the olive germinated evil, or whether it turned evil somewhere in the brining process.
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		95		evil spaghetti cult assassin Cult assassins generally prefer thin-bladed daggers because, though they're not as intimidating as a big wicked scythe, they fit up your sleeve a lot more easily. Most people think of assassins as wearing black, but in fact a dark charcoal gray is much better for hiding in shadows. In most environments, it rarely gets dark enough for a true black to be fully camouflaged. Assassins tend to be heavy smokers, because a lot of the job involves sitting around waiting for your victim to show up. This is why they whisper a lot.
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		150		evil spaghetti cult middle-manager Be sure to have your FPS reports properly filed before attempting to fight these guys. Otherwise, they get even more troublesome. (It stands for "Fight Procedure Specification, not the other thing.) It is useless to attempt to reason with a middle-manager. Your only real alternative may be to just burn the building down. Evil spaghetti cult middle-managers dream of moving up the cult ladder. Perhaps one day they might even make vice-president of the department! Well, if no adventurers come along to slay their evil god and destroy the temple.
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		140		evil spaghetti cult neophyte The 'evil' in front of the neophyte's name is pretty redundant. It's not like there are a ton of totally nice guys in the evil spaghetti cult. Unless the 'evil' refers to the cult itself, like, the cult's full name is "evil spaghetti cult." Then it makes sense. Never mind. And you're asking, "but what are some facts about this neophyte?" Um. His first name's Gary, and he turns the bottom plate of the stapler around so the staple legs face out instead of in.
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		24		evil spaghetti cult priest Spaghetti cult priests are not required to be celibate, but they are required to avoid gluten-free foods. Spaghetti cult priests can bless ordinary linguine, turning it into the tendrils of a pasta monster. Spaghetti cult priests wear disturbing noodly masks instead of a clerical collar, so they won't get pressured into doing clerical work and making clerical errors.
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		140		evil spaghetti cult technician The evil spaghetti cult technician can build a makeshift altar out of nothing but duct tape and binder clips. An evil spaghetti cult technician always carries a whetstone, a lodestone, and a Firestone tire. Evil spaghetti cult technicians aren't that passionate about their religion, but they are passionate about keeping a neat workspace.
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		160		evil spaghetti cult zealot The spaghetti cultist's mask is made from living, writhing noodles, with two meatballs where the eyes should be. No one knows how they see through it. Spaghetti cult zealots recommend using a detergent specifically for dark fabrics, eschewing fabric softener, and line-drying versus a clothes dryer to keep your blacks their blackest. Spaghetti cult zealots had a schism over whether they should use knives made out of steel or out of al dente pasta. The ensuing religious battle was brief, and few from the noodle-knife sect survived.
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		21		evil spaghetti cultist One would think that the high-carb diet of a spaghetti cultist would be very fattening, but ritual flagellation burns a surprising amount of calories. Pasta Cultists have many different names for their god, but the two most popular are "The Noodly One" and "Yog-Udon". One in every ten spaghetti cultists actually sufferes from a gluten allergy and cannot eat pasta at all! Fortunately, the cult keeps a supply of rice noodles on hand for cultists with dietary restrictions.
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		21		evil trumpet-playing mariachi Mr. Skullhead used to play trumpet in junior high school, but he joined choir in high school and quit trumpeting. Trumpet players use the same muscles to play that one uses to force a bowel movement, but not the same orifice, thank god. Trumpet players occasionally give themselves heart attacks and brain aneurysms while going for high notes, as well as causing them in their audiences.
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		24		evil vihuela-playing mariachi Just so you know, in case you picked up this guy's evil vihuela and were wondering about the little wiggly lines: those are waves of evil, not stink-lines. He plays pretty much the same songs every mariachi plays, except his are about evil cockroaches and evil trees and so on. Don't judge mariachis too harshly just based on these guys. Most mariachis aren't evil, they just hate it when people steal their accordions.
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		?		ewe These things can only pick up television signals in the Ewe H F range. A creature similar to this is the mascot for L S Ewe. If one of these things owes you money, demand cash, and never accept an I O Ewe.
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		?		exercise robot The landfills of the Automated Future are littered with the derelict husks of these things, discarded, unused and unloved. People usually don't bother to turn them off, and they remain conscious, sometimes for centuries. If one of those ever jacks into the Omniscience Matrix, man, we are all screwed.
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		?		exo-suited miner The laser in this thing is made for cutting rock, but it cuts human flesh just as readily. More readily, in fact. I guess that's true of most things that can cut rock. Robotic exoskeletons have been against the rules of the Mining Olympics ever since the infamous "John Henrybot Incident" of aught six. If your girlfriend or boyfriend was named Skeleton, they might sign a love note "XO, Skeleton." Also what a weird name.
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		?		exotic hostile animal An animal's lifespan is roughy proportional to its size. This thing probably lived for millions of years. Until you came along, I mean. An animal's gestation period is roughly proportional to its size. This thing probably hung out in the womb for thousands of years before finally being born. An animal's car insurance premiums are roughly (inversely) proportional to its age. This thing probably saved a lot of money by switching to Geico.
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		0		exotic hostile plant The tallest plant in the galaxy is on Zappho Gephiltephon IV, and is named Harold. We know Harold is the tallest plant in the galaxy because of the Guinness Book of Galactic Records. Harold enjoys being given Guinness instead of water, but his doctor tells him he should cut back.
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		73		eXtreme cross-country hippy Can cross-country skiing even be considered a sport? It's basically just walking with poles. Cross-country skiing is like regular skiing, except healthy and boring and with all the fun parts removed. Just like everything else hippies come into contact with. The biathlon is an attempt to bring a little fun and excitement back to cross-country skiing by including guns. Considering you never hear about it except during the Olympics, it doesn't seem very successful.
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		74		eXtreme Orcish snowboarder There are only two speeds on a snowbard: looking quite cool, and DEATH! Orcish snowboarders are constantly drinking while snowboarding. The one time one of them tried it sober, he broke every bone in his body, and some twice. The Orcish snowboarder keeps up his eXtremeness (eXtremity?) with constant infusions of Mountain Stream soda, spicy beef jerky, and insane snowboarding tricks.
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		39		eXtreme Sports Orcs Extreme sports Orcs invented the sport of rollerblading on top of a kayak. They also invented the sport of sky-diving while wearing nothing but swim fins and a snorkel. And the sport of pounding back beers while riding a horse with a rabid weasel attached to your head.
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		36		extremely annoyed witch A moderately ticked-off witch won't sour milk, but she will turn it from 2% to skim. Likewise she's not likely to steal your baby, but she will conjur up a lot of noise-making, battery-powered toys for it to play with. After days of being harrassed by a ticked-off witch, most victims long to be simply turned into a frog.
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		600		eye in the darkness The eye in the darkness has a little trouble with its night vision, but not enough so it can't get a driver's license. The eye in the darkness used to wear a contact lens, but it got laser eye surgery in the darkness. The darkness beyond the eye is so deep and absolute that even Loathing scientists don't know what the creature's true form is. Not that they're super-inclined to study it.
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References

• The Enraged Cow's first fact may refer to this video.