Monster Manuel (B)

There are 192 creatures filed under B, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		0		Baa'baa'bu'ran Besides paying homage to various ancient gods, stone temple carvings were also frequently used as warnings to would-be thieves. This one meant "Corridor Slippery When Wet". Baa'baa'bu'ran's priests were recognized by the extremely long white woolen socks they wore everywhere. There has apparently been a resurgance of this cult among schoolgirls in certain parts of The Distant Lands. Baa'baa'bu'ran was the god of many minor concepts and objects, including doorknobs, the smell of rain, open-faced sandwiches, and the ampersand. He was said to reside in the part of the underworld known as Misctlan.
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		?		baa-relief sheep Carvings of sheep were believed to ward off many diseases, because it was also believed that diseases were caused by invisible demons, and invisible demons were believed to be afraid of sheep. People believed some weird things in those days. Stone wool was commonly used by ancient peoples to knit really dense and heavy sweaters, as well as a filling for supremely uncomfortable pillows. Engraved depictions of ancient sheep are actually quite accurate -- sheep really were that flat and angular back then. The round, puffy sheep of today are a relatively recent adaptation to modern atmospheric conditions.
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		220		bacon snake Putting a Bac-Os Snake™ in a desk drawer is a fun prank to play on a coworker who is afraid of bacon snakes. Eating the flesh of a bacon snake will cure a hangover, but the venom in it will give you a different hangover, so it's kind of a wash. Bacon snakes, like all snakes, make terrible pets, unless you are a stripper, in which case it's kinda hot I guess, in a weird way.
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		85		Bad ASCII Art Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> ^(o.o )^ v( o.o)v Guy with huge buck teeth! :-B Disembodied mustache! ~---~
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		30		bag of Potatoes of Security Did you notice how there are French fries in the Kingdom, even though there's no France? Weird, right? There's no 'i' in team, and there's no 'e' in potato. Keep that in mind if you ever want to be re-elected as Vice President. Delicious Crash Potatoes: boil small red potatoes. Drizzle olive oil on a cookie sheet. Put potatoes on the sheet, smoosh with fork. Top with olive oil, salt, pepper. Bake in the broiler until tips are brown. you're welcome.
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		2		baguette lady The baguette lady has nobody to care for her, because all of her breadstick children went off to work in olive gardens. Her hobbies include wandering in parks and feeding parts of herself to birds. One day there'll be nothing left of her but croutons.
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		195		Bailey's Beetle Most hippies insist that they, like, totally drive better when they're stoned, man. The Beetle's biodiesel engine gets 40 miles to the hash brown. At least 70% of each of Bailey's Beetles is bailing wire, bong resin, or some combination of the two.
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		80		Bananubis Bananubis is the still-living god of death, tombs, and jungle fruits. Bananubis's father, Tangelosiris, is the god of the Underworld and citrus. Tangelosiris's mother was named Nut, and was the goddess of berries.
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		150		Bangyomaman Warrior In most cases, carrying a big gun means you're overcompensating for some other shortcoming. Bangyomaman warriors are short only on empathy. The Bangyomaman homeworld used to have three suns, but now it only has two, because one day they got mad and blew up the third one. Bangyomaman warriors love being scratched behind their ears. No, wait. I meant "hate" and "shot". The area behind their ears is really sensitive.
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		?		banjoccultist The banjoccultist is second only in nerdy dark magic to the occulticcordianist. Though the occulticcordianist is a more powerful figure on the Scrabble board. When banjoccultists meet, they duel for hours, until their fingers (and most of the rest of their bodies) are bleeding.
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		28		banshee librarian Banshee librarians have a pretty high turnover rate. Most go on to host primal scream therapy sessions. The banshee's wail is an E three octaves above middle C. It requires a lot of diaphragm control. A banshee's wail can shatter crystal. And concrete. And pretty much everything else.
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		3		bar The best way to fight a bar is to trip it, thereby lowering it. So a priest, a rabbi, and a stripper walk into a bar, and it eats all of them. To best visualize the bar population in the Distant Woods, I recommend making a bar chart.
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		20		Baron von Ratsworth Baron von Ratsworth made his fortune trading in steel futures, but nowadays he's mostly into real estate. Baron von Ratsworth's top hat is made out of the finest spider silk, spun by only the very best spiders from good old-money spider families. If you want to hit the Baron where it hurts, hit him in the wallet. Or, y'know, the kidneys. That'll do.
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		150		barrow wraith? Is a monster that is sneaking up on you in pitch-darkness scarier if I tell you it's also invisible? What if the monster... is the darkness? What if the monster is the cave itself? You're already eaten!
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		100		basaltamander Don't ask what keeps its stone armor from re-melting. Basaltamanders are one of the few animals that are already pre-cooked when they're still alive. Misunderstood reports of basaltamander sightings by early explorers resulted in the myths and legends of elephants. Those early explorers were really hard to understand.
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		15		baseball bat The baseball bat is made out of cowhide, which raises bizarre evolutionary questions. The stitching on the baseball bat is organic, and disturbing. Scientists who have dissected a baseball bat have found simply string wound around a cork. Scientists in universes where magic works have constant headaches.
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		0		Bashful, the Reindeer Bashful is usually in the back of the pack come sleigh-pulling time, because he's too shy to ask for a better spot. He has a huge crush on one of the other reindeer, but would totally just die if they ever found out. I suppose we could have done a joke like, his name is Bashful because he likes to bash people. But nah, he's just shy.
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		50		BASIC Elemental This BASIC elemental is blind, because it hasn't upgraded to Visual Basic. BASIC stands for "Bacon As Soon as I Can." or at least I'd like it to. Most BASIC elementals are docile creatures who just want to know how many stars you want.
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		55		basic lihc The cloud of eldritch mist surrounding a basic lihc is 70% Starbucks. A basic lihc's greatest weakness is fire. Its second greatest weakness is even slightly spicy Pad Thai. Say what you will about basic lihces, but they're always willing to share their Netflix login with you.
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		20		bat What we take to be a bat's eyes are actually just really badly-designed nostrils. The old idiom "as blind as a bat" was originally "as blind as a bat smells." How does a blind bat smell? Terrible, thank you.
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		25		batbugbear Batbugbear dung is still called "guano," because guano is a funny word. Batbugbears sleep upside-down, but frequently wake up dizzy with all the blood rushing to their giant heads. Batbugbears, despite their frightening appearance, eat mostly mosquitos and fruit.
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		0		Batburglar Batburglars specialize in climbing vertical surfaces to break into buildings and steal stuff. You know -- like a bat. Deep down, Batburglars are really just trying to steal back their childhoods, which were stolen from them. In an alternate universe where McDonald's sells burgers made of bat meat, the Batburglar would be a harmless mascot instead of a formidable foe.
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		23		batrat The batrat's favorite delicacy is cheese-covered mosquitos. Batrats sleep upside-down in holes chewed into baseboards. Orphans who are frightened by batrats tend to spend the rest of their lives in institutions, rather than become vigilantes.
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		160		Batsnake The Batsnake used to have a utility belt, but it kept sliding off because snakes don't have hips. The Batsnake doesn't have a Batjet or Batmobile, but it does have Batstench. The Batsnake lives almost exclusively on the robins that fly into the cave and pass out from the smell.
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		125		Battlesuit Bugbear Type Bugbear battlesuits are equipped with blue lasers, so all of their attacks are in high definition. A bugbear battlesuit allows its pilot to survive any environment, from the vacuum of space to the bottom of the sea. The only thing it can't do is climb stairs. Bugbear battlesuits run on a powerful combination of fusion technology and magic. Bugbears themselves run on fusion cuisine and magic mushrooms.
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		76		Battlie Knight Ghost The Galaxy Battles chronicles are best read in the following order: Chapter four, Chapter five, Chapter two, Chapter three, Chapter six. Just skip Chapter one. Although some purists insist you should only read the last three chapters, because they were written first, back before the God who created Duke Starkiller went insane with greed and lust for power. Still others say that you should just read the Serene Chronicles of Captain Reynold Malcolm instead, because you get all the spacey goodness with none of the crap.
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		169		batwinged gremlin Gremlins delight in disassembling things, such as vehicles, computers, factory machinery, and adventurers. The rule about never feeding a gremlin after midnight is complicated by the fact that it's always after the previous midnight, so when can you start feeding them again? And what about time zones? Man it's like it was *designed* for someone to screw it up. If, while fighting a bat-winged gremlin, you happen to see a tinier gremlin on the first one's wing, don't bother trying to tell anyone about it, because they won't believe you.
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		169		batwinged gremlin Batwinged gremlins are sometimes attacked by other tiny gremlins who sit on their wings and try to sabotage their flight. Batwinged gremlins don't have sonar, and must navigate by either checking a map before they leave or turn-by-turn GPS. Each batwinged gremlin can eat up to a pound of mosquitoes a night. They just choose not to, the little jerks.
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		375		bazookafish Bazookafish bubble gum is a natural secretion of the bazookafish. Again, it's all about making scientists freak out. Bazookafish have a short life cycle, as their mature form is incapable of eating. They really should have thought that one through. Do not attempt to operate a bazookafish without reading the safety manual, and watch out for that recoil.
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		95		béarnaise zombie Ironically, before the zombie became a béarnaise zombie, its name was Bernice. Despite the name, no bears are harmed in the making of béarnaise sauce. Tarragon was named after the famous ranger who took some midgets to throw a ring in a volcano.
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		21		beanbat It takes approximately 144,000 beanbats to stuff a single beanbatbag chair. If you grind up a beanbat and pour boiling water over it, you probably have some mental problems. A beanbat is best eaten refried with some rice and cheese.
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		85		bearpig topiary animal Would bearpig be considered an unclean animal? Or could it be kosher if you only ate the bear parts? The bearpig has man arms, though. It probably didn't have the right to bear arms. And yes, we are going to keep making that joke, because it's funny. It's always funny. Maybe the topiary artist was really good, and there really is a bearpig running around somewhere? Nah..
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		0		Beast with X Ears Part of the reason the Beast is so angsty is he has swimmer's ear in all of his ears. Ugh. The Beast produces more wax in his ears every day than a hive of bees produce in a month. Several of the Beast's ears are cauliflowered, but it doesn't like to talk about them.
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		0		Beast with X Eyes These beasts are very difficult to sneak up on, but on the other hand, they're very susceptible to that Three Stooges trick. Eyebeasts don't bother to show up at Fernswarthy's Basement community meetings any more, because they got sick of people making the "The eyes have it!" joke. Eyebeats never wear eyeliner or mascara -- partly because it would take too long to apply it all, and partly because they don't have any hands.
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		162		Beaver Beavers aren't actually very eager, and tend to whine and bitch incessantly while they're building their dams. Beavers use their wide, flat tails to press sandwiches, to make them more flavorful. Beavers don't actually eat wood, they just gnaw on it to keep their teeth in shape. This is yet another thing that cartoons have lied to you about.
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		30		bee A bee's favorite Shakespeare quotation is "Two bees? Why yes, two bees." Bees can't read. Bees also can't write or do math, because every time they try to learn the 3 Rs it's too cold and they have to leave.
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		0		bee swarm It would be incorrect to assume that bee swarms hate skaters. What they hate is people who aren't skating. Roving swarms of bees are frequently hired as security enforcers at skate parks. How this got started or what the bees are paid with is unclear. It would take a swarm of more than 3,400,000 bees to equal the approximate average weight of the Incredible Hulk.
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		0		bee thoven Bee thovens attack in a series of rigidly-defined movements. The buzzing of a bee thoven is so loud that it makes each individual bee effectively deaf. You can defeat a bee thoven by causing it to roll over, which disorients it.
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		0		beebee gunners The beebee gunners aren't involved in honey-making, but they do make some delicious chutney on their days off. Beebee gunners aren't terribly accurate with their shooting, but they can always sting as a last resort. The beebee gunners stole their rifle from a Red Rider named Daisy.
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		0		Beebee King It might initially sound strange for a bee king to be a mere military commander, but remember that bees are led by a queen, and she can have as many husbands as she damn well pleases. Notice that, although a beebee is a two-member team, the beebee king flies solo. This is to help spread out the chain of command, and... you know, actually it isn't very interesting. Never mind. The beebee kings do not emply grand viziers. Well, some of them do, but they generally have them executed for treason right away, to save trouble later.
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		0		beebee queue Did you know that the best remedy for a bee sting is to immediately get another bee sting in the exact same place? Unfortunately, this is almost never possible, because bees are like lightning. The primary way in which bees are like lightning is that dogs do not like them.
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		25		beefy bodyguard bat Each beefy bodyguard bat can lift three times his body weight, provided he has a water bottle and a good spotter. The beefy bodyguard bat's wings aren't actually lettuce leaves. They're just really bulky regular ol' wings. You may think the beefy bodyguard bat is just a dumb slab of muscle, but he actually reads poetry and writes short stories in his spare time.
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		?		beelephant The first beelephants were actually a cross between a bee, and eel, and an elephant. They had much longer trunks, and eventually died out because they kept getting them tangled around things. Most varieties of beelephant can only sting once before dying. This is because, like regular bees, part of their internal organs are pulled out with the stinger. Unlike regular bees, this is much much more disgusting to witness. Okay, the scientists are totally sure this time -- that thing should definitely not be able to fly.
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		99999		Beer Batter The beer batter holds approximately 80 liters of beer, or almost enough to make a booze giant slightly tipsy. The beer batter's bat is made of aluminum, or "lorry" if you're British. The beer batter's favorite color is beer.
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		180		Beer Bongadier Frat boys scientists have experimented with methods of getting drunk even faster than is possible with a beer bong, such as reverse stomach pumps, whiskey IV drips, and the World's Worst Enema. Frat boy scientists take very meticulous notes of their experiments, since typically nobody is able to remember how they went otherwise. Attempts have been made to combine the beer bong with a regular bong, but this generally results in either drinking a lot of hot ashes, or drowning.
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		?		beetle Beetle honey is much thicker than regular honey. Beetle honey is also much easier to steal from the hive than regular honey. Beetlekeepers don't even really need the protective suits that beekeepers use, although they do tie their pantlegs closed.
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		0		befouled straw house Just as you should never build an igloo out of yellow snow, you should never build a house with straw from the stables. One reason befouled straw houses stay so gross is that if you try to scrub or power wash them, they fall over. Actually, no matter what you do to a straw house, it's pretty much guaranteed to fall over. No point blaming the wolf.
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		0		bellhop The bellhop's brother does the same job, but has no arms. I don't recall his name, but his face rings a bell. In his spare time, the bellhop tries to make dogs salivate at the ring of a bell. He's all the way up to making hamsters twitch slightly. The bellhop doesn't have a hunchback, but he does have a slight speech impediment.
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		53		Best Carpet Ever You can use salt to get bloodstains out of a carpet, and a tarp to avoid getting bloodstains on your carpet in the first place. The Best Carpet Ever makes the plushest shag you've ever walked on feel like thorny concrete in comparison. The Best Carpet Ever is hypoallergenic, stain resistant, and possibly sentient.
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		99999		best-selling novelist It's said that one of the worst sentences the best-selling novelist ever wrote was "The famous man looked at the red cup." In fact, he never used this line, but he has written much, much worse. The author's works belong to a genre known as "airport novels", which are called that because if an engine explodes and your plane goes down in a ball of flames while you're reading one, you won't mind so much. Some argue that you should not be too harsh in judging a popular author on the quality of his prose -- after all, his job is to entertain, and people obviously enjoy the books. Therefore, it is the readers who should be flogged for not knowing better.
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		0		Bettie Barulio Bettie's old suitors, so many and varied, filled up their own cemetery when buried. Bettie's removal to realms immaterial was due to a full set of diseases (venereal). I wouldn't describe her as being a nympho, but only because there is no rhyme for 'nympho'.
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		38		biclops Biclops are more commonly called, "dudes who have the standard amount of eyes," but that's a little unwieldy for everyday use. Biclops are ridiculed by Triclopses, who can see in three dimensions and beyond the veil of death. Quadroclopses are just biclopses with glasses on.
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		1		big creepy spider This spider has eight legs, four eyes, and three mixtapes it made for its girlfriend. Spider silk is incredibly strong, but is dry-clean only. One time, a bunch of scientists gave spiders a variety of hallucinogenic drugs to see if it changed how the spiders spun their webs. Scientists really know how to party, man.
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		99999		Big Meat Golem The big meat golem would be tastiest pan-seared, rare, with some cracked pepper and butter. The big meat golem is worth approximately 12,000 dense meat stacks. If he were made into jerky, the big meat golem could cause an entire junior high school to lose their fillings.
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		50		big swarm of ghuol whelps Swarms of ghuol whelps have been known to skeletonize an entire dead cow in minutes, completely ruining many a summer barbecue. Since the picture doesn't give much sense of scale, you might like to know that ghuol whelp heads are about the size of chick peas. Ghuol whelps are born in clutches of about 30-50. Most of them will die before reaching adulthood, but you shouldn't feel sad about that. Seriously, these things aren't cute at all. They're super-gross.
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		92		Big Wheelin' Twins The Big Wheelin' Twins are actually both over the recommended maximum weight for their tricycles, so they have to keep reinforcing the plastic frame with duct tape. The Big Wheelin' Twins eat three times their body weight in cheese each day, so they can maintain their physique with all the exercise they do. Since the pedals are mounted directly to the front wheel, the Big Wheelin' Twins' trikes technically count as fixies, and the twins themselves as hipsters.
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		260		Big Wisnaqua The Big Wisnaqua splits his time between attacking adventurers and running through channels designed to guide rainwater. Strikes and gutters, man. Strikes and gutters. You could call the Big Wisnaqua an aquaman, but that's not the preferred nomenclature. The Big Wisnaqua can frequently be found bubbling through the glass sculptures hippies use to inhale the smoke from herbs.
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		?		bigface The most famous bigface was a bigface known as Todd. Along with his band, the Monsters, he was the indie darling of the grunge era. Some cryptozoologists insist that bigface should be known as "littlebody," but that name never really caught on. Bigface has some kind of natural camouflage that makes it impossible to take an in-focus picture of him.
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		?		biker The earliest bikers rode motorcycles made out of stones and animal bones. Every year, bikers compete for the coveted "Most Flatulent-Sounding Exhaust" award Bikers adhere to a strict moral code, and are thus only allowed to beat one another up over territory disputes and also for any other reason.
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		180		Birdo I am pretty sure eggs don't work like that. I mean, just setting aside the fact that the eggs are fully half her size and she can keep shooting them without stopping to eat or otherwise replenish her mass. What if... what if she's standing on her hands and that's her cloaca?
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		35		birdybug You should see how mad the ornithologists got about the "mosquito hawk". The ornithologists would also be mad about dragonflies, if they could agree on whether dragons are birds or not. The one thing that entymologists and ornithologists agree on is that fish are super boring.
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		300		bizarre construct El Vibrato punchcards make terrific bookmarks. Not much is known about El Vibrato island and the strange constructs that inhabit it. Which makes these factoids extremely difficult to write. It may seem strange that such greatly advanced technology would operate with paper punchcards. This is because it is, in fact, strange.
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		300		bizarre construct Honestly, all of the El Vibrato constructs are pretty bizarre. I'm not sure why this one is being singled out. El Vibrato constructs are made from vibritanium, which is difficult to describe, but is sort of like an alloy of diamond, titanium, and graham crackers. Yeah, difficult to describe, like I said. Although the El Vibrato constructs are not supposed to possess individual emotions or desires, this particular one has discovered that it really really likes improvisational jazz.
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		65		BL Imp BL Imps are fat because human souls are very high in calories. Diet souls exist, but they just don't taste as good. Last year's Hey Deez Halloween Costume Contest was won by a BL imp, who went as Violet Beauregarde. If BL imps danced, the number of them that could dance on the head of a pin is three, if the pin was about as long as a subway train and had a proportionately-sized head.
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		129		black adder Black adders usually live in rowan trees. Black adders are more deadly than puff adders; although, since the naming conventions changed, puff adders are just called "p. addys." How is black adder venom like a beautiful woman? Both can stop a man's heart with a single flick of the tongue.
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		0		black cat The cat lost its other eye battling a troll that was trying to steal a little girl's breath while she slept. The shape of a cat's tongue means that, even if the cat could talk, it couldn't pronounce the word "hibachi." The average cat has the same level of intelligence as a two-year-old human, and the same level of malevolence and capacity for destruction, too.
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		?		Black Crayon Beast Well, you'd be angsty too, if your tail grew straight up out of your back like that. Also, if you were totally unable to close your mouth because of your giant teeth. I know that'd make me kind of crabby. Furthermore, I definitely would not enjoy it much if my body were a potato.
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		?		Black Crayon Beetle There are approximately 400,000 species of beetle. Probably a third of those are just species we've already counted moving fast and wearing disguises, though. Like all insects and some circus performers, beetles have six legs. Ladybugs are a species of beetle. Did you know that? I didn't. That totally blew my mind when I learned that.
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		?		Black Crayon Constellation The Black Crayon Constellation, made of five five-pointed stars, is the most evil thing ever drawn on the back of someone's Algebra notebook. Sadly, the five-star drawing only got two stars from the Emo Kid's teacher. When you wish upon a black crayon star, the only dreams that come true are the ones based around black wax.
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		?		Black Crayon Crimbo Elf For some reason, the black crayon crimbo elf is wearing a pope hat. Crimbo elves don't color with crayons; they just lick lollipops and smear them on the paper. The whole candy shtick is pretty much all crimbo elves have going for them.
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		?		Black Crayon Demon Black crayons in the Kingdom are dyed with squid ink. Just thought you should know. Just kidding. They're actually dyed with blackberries, so they're the most delicious crayon in the box. Please tell me that you just ate a crayon. It'll make my day.
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		?		Black Crayon Elemental Although it may try to convince you that it's any number of different kinds of elementals, it's actually the most important element of all: imagination. If you ask him, the kid will say he only uses black crayons because of the torment in his soul or some nonsense like that. It's actually because he's red-everything colorblind. The artistic goth kid's crayons are made from the fat of witches, which he steals from the dumpster behind the fat witch liposuction clinic.
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		?		Black Crayon Fish The fish smiles like that because it knows something you don't know. (I don't know either.) Crayon drawings of fish have even worse memories than actual fish, and often forget about the existence of things while they're still looking at them. It is unclear whether that fin is growing out of the top of the fish's head, or if he's offering you a high-five. Maybe you should go ahead and high-five him, just in case. You wouldn't want to leave him hanging.
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		?		Black Crayon Flower The word "jejune" means boring or insipid. It also means that you can immediately stop listening to anyone who uses it in a conversation. Flowers are not actually pedestrian at all -- they don't have feet or legs, and cannot walk. So who's the dummy now, Mr. Gothy Arteest? Coincidentally, this is actually a very realistic rendering of a rare flower known as the Loathingian Scribblily, the seeds of which are used to treat certain forms of intestinal parasites.
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		?		Black Crayon Frat Orc It's possible that the Black Crayon Frat Orc isn't actually wearing a baseball cap, but rather a headband. With like one loose end trailing off, see? Isn't that weird? This may be one of the Artistic Goth Kid's best examples of portraiture -- look at that dazed, slightly confused, drunken facial expression. How true to life! The Artistic Goth Kid has also been known to draw a Sorority Orc from time to time, but he doesn't show those pictures to anybody.
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		?		Black Crayon Goblin True goblins have been absent from the Kingdom for years. Only their mutated, stunted progeny, the Knob Goblins, remain. True goblins were taller and smarter than Knob Goblins, like just about everyone. True goblins had neither a king nor a harem. They had an enlightened phagocratic society, in which whomever could eat the most of his rivals got to be rule.
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		?		Black Crayon Golem Golems have mystical words inscribed on a scroll and stuck in their heads. This one's scroll just says, "rainy soul miasma pain blood." The black crayon golem's eye-beams hurt at least four times more than being hit with an iron i-beam. You can get wax stains out of clothing by ironing the affected spot and blotting up the wax with a paper towel.
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		?		Black Crayon Hippy Black crayons are technically just really, really burnt sienna. A true black crayon would absorb light into itself, making it almost painful to look at it. Y'know, like a goth kid's hairdo. The official name for the color of the Goth Kid's crayon is "Eldritch Night." It's also the name of his Sisters of Mercy cover band.
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		?		Black Crayon Hobo A black crayon hobo is 90% less likely to steal a pie left cooling on your windowsill. Black crayon hobos have a higher concentration of stearic acid than other black crayon creations. Black crayon hobos don't have anything in their bindles except crayon shavings.
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		?		Black Crayon Man Fun fact: Jick drew all the black crayon art with his left hand. Funner fact: Mr. Skullhead's left-handed drawings are about as good as Jick's. Funnest fact: Mr. Skullhead is left-handed and Jick is not.
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		?		Black Crayon Manloid Other creatures that look human but aren't include: elves, knob goblins with their helmets on, gnolls when it's pretty dark or maybe you aren't wearing your glasses, and bureaucrats. That little arm sticking out of the manloid's stomach is pretty puzzling, isn't it? Even the manloid himself seems a bit confused by it. Manloids tend to have shorter lifespans than regular people, due to the unusual stresses on their spine and internal organs. They also find it very difficult to buy clothing off the rack.
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Mer-kin Mer-kin generally avoid swimming though any sort of miasma, because it is bad for their gills. If this particular Mer-kin seems sad to you, it is because he is missing his... gills? Head fins? Frills? What are those, anyway? A real Mer-kin would be offended if you described him as being half fish and half human. In fact, they refer to both fish and humans with the same word, which roughly translates to "half Mer-kin, half idiot".
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Penguin If you're going to draw something on white paper with a black crayon, your options are limited to penguins, polar bears, zebras, and nuns. Or some combination of thereof. Black crayon penguins feed their young by regurgitating crayon shavings into their mouths. Black crayon penguins are not natural swimmers, since their legs are just two little sticks.
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Pirate Most pirates have an eyepatch because they have a hook-hand and pet allergies. Some pirates are experimenting with different kinds of hook-hands. For instance, crochet hook-hands are good for passing the time on long sea voyages. The black crayon pirate is extra-mopey because he can't wear an earring to improve his eyesight. He doesn't even have any ears.
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Shambling Monstrosity The Shambling Monstrosity is not a god or an alien, per se; it's a traveler from another dimension. Remember that differentiator as your sanity starts to slip. Staring at a Shambling Monstrosity can make you go insane. Staring at one through a welder's helmet will just get you really high for a couple of hours. To be rid of the Shambling Monstrosity for good, you must close the gate through which it came with an elder sign, or a really sturdy padlock.
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Slime Slimes only have a rudimentary nervous system. They can't feel pain, but they do get mild pangs of regret sometimes. Slimes also have no digestive system, relying instead on being made out of caustic acidic goo. Slimes can digest everything except bone, which has lead to an uneasy truce between slimes and skeletons.
		?
		?

		?		Black Crayon Spiraling Shape Spiraling shapes are generally drawn by the insane, for the insane. This isn't a downward spiral; it's more of a clockwise spiral. There's a faction of the Art History crowd that insists the spiraling shape is actually the view down someone's throat, and the wavy lines indicate a sparse beard.
		?
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		?		Black Crayon Undead Thing Did you know you can make a picture out of crayon shavings and then iron them under a sheet of wax paper to create a cool picture? Try it some time! If you melt a bunch of black crayons onto paper with a hairdryer, you can make a black rainbow. The black crayon undead thing is slightly smarter than a zombie, but not as cool as a vampire.
		?
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		130		black friar The Black Friars used to make beer, but stopped because people ordered too much. "Look, we're not made of ale," they'd complain. Here are some stations that are fun to say, but that I couldn't think of jokes for: Marylebone, Fairlop, Pimlico. And finally, for all you Hitchhiker's fans: Fenchurch.
		111
		122

		123		Black Knight The black knight didn't seem racist at first, but now it kinda does. The reason it seems racist is that most people haven't seen the movie Black Knight, starring Martin Lawrence, so they don't recognize the references as references, rather than random expressions of stereotypes. The reason most people haven't seen that movie is because it is godawful.
		121
		135

		131		black magic woman The proper greeting for a black magic woman is, "¿oye, como va?" Some black magic women are gypsy women, but not all gypsy women study black magic. A black magic woman can be persuaded to change her evil ways, if you accompany the request with a blazin' guitar solo.
		113
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		90		Black Ops Bugbear Black Ops Bugbears are trained to hide in the shadows, even when it's high noon on an empty concrete slab. The Black Ops Bugbear motto is "Shhhhh." A Black Ops Bugbear can drop a pin in a quiet room and you'll never hear it hit the ground.
		81
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		133		black panther Black panthers are not actually a distinct species of cat -- they are actually jaguars or leopards that are affected by a genetic anomaly similar to albinism, but in reverse. I bet you weren't expecting to get a real fact here! Black panthers were once very politically active, and attempted to cause government reforms by stalking and eating corrupt politicians. They were eventually discredited and disbanded through the use of smear tactics and snare traps. The rarest type of panther of all is of course the mauve panther, which feeds exclusively on foreign detectives.
		112
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		50		black pudding Black pudding is not chocolate-flavored, in case you were wondering. I fact, it's practicially the opposite of chocolate-flavored. The edible type of black pudding is also known as "blood sausage", due to the fact that it's made from congealed animal blood. The mostrous sort of black pudding is also largely made of congealed blood, except it gets it from adventurers. In Soviet Russia, pudding eats you. Ugh, yeah, sorry about that.
		45
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		132		black widow Black widow bites are rarely fatal if you receive immediate medical treatment. Black Widow Bites are also a terribly marketed type of candy. The hourglass on a black widow's back changes color depending on her mood. She's just always angry, so it's always red. Black widows actually have six legs, unlike other spi -- oh, wait, sorry. There are totally eight. I just miscounted. My bad.
		110
		121

		?		Black-and-White-Ops Penguin Night-vision goggles work by reflecting and amplifying starlight or other ambient light. If you want to see something really funny, use a high-powered camera flashbulb to take a photograph of someone wearing one. Since penguins are short-limbed and not very flexible, their martial-arts mainly focus on joints, nerve clusters, and other pressure-points. Many of them keep collections of the kneecaps of their fallen enemies. Some B&W Ops Penguins carry laser pointers in addition to their regular gear, because they enjoy a good practical joke as much as anyone.
		?
		?

		126		blackberry bush A blackberry stalk makes a powerful weapon, if you still have any arms left after getting it away from the bush. Blackberry thorns are, on average, 50% sharper than rosebush thorns, but 30% less likely to have songs written about them. Have you ever eaten a blackberry right after you brush your teeth? Man, that's nasty.
		114
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		0		blade a-spinning Just imagine how big the pizza would be! Their blades make really rad gongs if you happen to have a live industrial band. I just made a glass of strawberry milk and it is pretty good. Strawberry-flavored milk is good, you guys
		0
		0

		30		Blader Blader would have been a much better name for the sequel to 1998's Blade. If your name was Red Alb and one of these guys asked you your name, you'd be able to answer palindromically. Ruth Bader Ginsberg would've been 'much' more intimidating if her middle name had been Murderer instead of Bader.
		20
		20

		33		Blaze Bat Regular bats eat flies, but this one eats fireflies. Cooked bat smells like chicken. Cooked bat does not, however, taste like chicken.
		29
		40

		200		blazing bat The lake of fire tore his ass up. He was burning to the crisp. He was cast into the lake of burning flame.
		180
		500

		35		blind snake Be careful using edged weapons, because if you accidentally cut it in half you'll have to fight two of them. Wait a minute, how do you know which end you're fighting? Are you sure that isn't just a wet string?
		40
		50

		25		Blooper When surprised, the Blooper releases a cloud of black pixels that dissolve before you can grab them. It's pretty frustrating. The Blooper's natural predator is the Mustachioed Plumber, which was hunted to nigh extinction by outraged turtle tamers. The Blooper prefers Radiohead's earlier catalog, when they still knew how to rock, man.
		22
		15

		135		Blue Oyster cultist Blue Oyster Cultists make secret treaties with the other religious organizations. Blue Oyster Cultists believe the revolution will come by night. Blue Oyster Cultists are sometimes hired as agents of fortune by various governments and corporations.
		135
		130

		?		blue-haired girl The blue-haired girl doesn't dye her hair; that's her natural color. She just woke up with it one day. Maybe she's got some strange disease. The blue-haired girl wears authentic 70's roller skates and rides a fixie bike. At the same time. That's hipster level 99, yo. Seriously, if you haven't read the Scott Pilgrim books, you should stop reading this and read those instead.
		?
		?

		136		blur The blur has only two vices: coffee and TV. Scientists with too much time on their hands have concluded that the blur is most likely completely nude. The blur's vision-occluding field can cause one to become mercurial and leaden. If you feel heavy metal while fighting the blur, take a break.
		126
		141

		145		boaraffe The boaraffe has no natural predators, except for the extra-terrestrial kind. The boaraffe's tusks are actually made of hardened hair, not bone. If you count a boaraffe's spots, you can tell how old it is.
		130
		145

		?		board games elemental Board games elementals used to be relatively small and simple creatures, until the great wizard Avalonill opened the dimensional rift to Grognardia. Be certain your fellow players are not actual werewolves before agreeing to play Werewolf with them, because they'll have a natural advantage. Technically, you aren't supposed to put money on Free Parking, but it does make Candyland a bit more unpredictable and fun.
		?
		?

		138		Bob Racecar Bob Racecar has an old hound dog named Otis. It knows how to sit. Bob Racecar can play the heck out of a butt tuba. His best know composition is the Air Aria. Bob Racecar used to knock people out by hitting them with walnuts, but he broke the stun law and had to stop.
		129
		139

		44		bog leech If you filled a bog leech with helium, you would be disqualified from the balloon races. You might think bog leech skin would be good to make waterproof clothing out of, but in fact they are moist and gross all the way through. If you took a bunch of bog leeches and dried them out, and then laid them end-to-end, you would be arrested for having the worst possible hobby ever.
		50
		60

		50		bog skeleton The skeletons in the corpse bog are mainly upset about their commanding officers deciding that a swamp was a good place for a battle. After a while even the guys who were winning wished they were dead. More generally, skeletons are upset because they're cold. They want to steal your nice warm skin to wear. If skeletons are permitted to steal skins unchecked, the whole thing quickly snowballs into an epidemic, like Japanese umbrellas.
		52
		50

		54		bogart Bogarts do in fact know how to whistle. Most bogarts are not actually named Steve. That's just kind of an in-joke. Humphrey Bogart was actually one of the founding members (and the original leader) of the Rat Pack; Lauren Bacall is said to have coined the name. This doesn't actually have anything to do with this monster, but I thought it was interesting.
		48
		48

		?		bolt-cuttin' elf Out-of-work bolt-cuttin' elves often find bicycle theft to be a profitable alternative to honest work. An elf once tried to cut a bolt of lightning in half. It didn't work, but it did result in the modern-day cryptozoological phenomenon known as Nessie. One way to avoid being hurt by a bolt-cutting elf is to act less like a bolt. How to do this is left as an exercise for the reader.
		?
		?

		?		Boltsmann security robot The third scariest thing for a robot to be shaped like is a skull. The second scariest thing for a robot to be shaped like is a staircase, since staircases are responsible for WAY more deaths than skulls. The absolute scariest thing for a robot to be shaped like is the influenze virus. Bonus points if the robot is also the size of the influenza virus and also if there are like a billion of them.
		?
		?

		3		boneless blobghost Nobody knows who the blobghost was in life, but we can at least assume it was someone who didn't intend for their skeleton to be sold in a skeleton store. Sadly, it would be pretty much impossible to reunite this ghost with its lost skeleton, because skeletons all look pretty much the same. Sorry, I guess that sounds kind of racist. You may be thinking "Wait, why is the ghost a blob? It's only the person's physical body that lost its skeleton." Nope, doesn't work like that. The ghost skeleton stays with the real skeleton. Look, I don't make the rules.
		2
		10

		90		Bonerdagon The mighty Bonerdagon has 144 vertebrae in his neck and tail. And that's just gross. The mighty Bonerdagon can't breathe fire, but c'mon. It's a miracle that he can fly with skeletal wings; let's not ask too much of the guy. Let me settle this once and for all: it's pronounced "boh-nur-dah-gun." Not "bonnerdaygun," unless you're from the Midwest.
		81
		120

		51		bookbat Regular bats sleep upside down on the ceiling of a cave -- bookbats sleep sideways, on a bookshelf. A group of bookbats is known as a "club." The criteria by which spirits choose which book to possess are poorly understood, though it seems to be related to whether or not the word "cheese" appears a prime number of times in the book's even-numbered chapters.
		44
		55

		140		booth slime You should not expect a booth slime to be able to answer any questions about the display they happen to be standing in front of. Chances are, they were hired from a modelling agency, and may not have been told anything about the product at all. Despite their bright blue color, booth slimes do not taste like blue raspberry, and it is not recommended that you lick them. Many slime conventions are now banning booth slimes, because they are perceived as being sexist. This might seem strange, since most slimes reproduce via mitosis, but slimes love a good internet argument as much as anyone.
		126
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		100		booty crab Booty crabs can tangle their pincers in your hair, so shaving is a good way to get rid of them. A fine-toothed comb and special soap won't get rid of booty crabs, but will make them better groomed and nicer smelling. The droppings of a booty crab are commonly known as "crab apples."
		90
		70

		76		Booze Giant A recent survey indicates that Booze Giants' favorite type of booze is "Whaddya got?" It takes four pints of whisky to fill a giant's shot glass! Consequently, booze giants tend to stick with cheap store-brand liquor. The amount of alcohol it takes to get a booze giant good and hammered would kill you, and probably everyone in your immediate family as well!
		68
		66

		0		borg a-beeping Look you'd be angsty too if you had things on the side of your head that sent out visible sound waves all of the time. How does he even sleep? He can't do a lot of things with those knife hands, but he's really good at cutting the crusts off of sandwiches. He doesn't do topiary, though. That was a different guy.
		0
		0

		33		Boss Bat The boss bat has weak eyesight, but he can listen to hear where you are. Each of the bat's heads controls the wing on its side, which makes flying a tricky joint effort. The Boss Bat can be pacified by placing your fingers through the notches in its spine.
		29
		40

		33		Boss Bat? The bodyguard Bats are desperate to keep their jobs, because all those protein shakes are expensive. Rigging the boss bat with marionette strings was difficult, but his secret nipple piercings helped a bit. Why yes, the Boss Bat's first name is Bernie, as a matter of fact. How did you guess?
		29
		40

		33		Boss Beast How did the Boss Bat become beastlier at the same time you did? Is it just a coincidence? Did he eat a werewolf? Or is this just his next stage of evolution? Regardless of how this happened, one thing is clear: you're lucky you didn't grow an extra head. Maybe I should say I'm lucky that you didn't grow an extra head, since I'm the one who'd have to describe the consequences of that.
		29
		40

		30		Boss Bot The Boss Bot has two distinct CPUs which do not communicate with one another in any way. One CPU controls the left wing and the other CPU controls both heads. Nobody knows who's pulling the strings on the right wing.
		30
		40

		?		bottle of cheap whiskey I don't know much about whiskey but did you know it is a type of distilled alcoholic beverage made from fermented grain mash? Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, generally made of charred white oak. Most whiskies are sold at or near an alcoholic strength of 40% abv, which is the statutory minimum in some countries -- although the strength can vary, and cask-strength whisky may have as much as twice that alcohol percentage.
		?
		?

		0		bow-making mummy The Egyptians experimented with wrapping mummies in colored paper, but gave that up because giftwrapping something that isn't square is a tremendous pain in the neck. Did you know that if you scrape a mummy's bandages along the edge of a pair of scissors, they get all fancy and curly? You didn't know that because it is a lie.
		0
		55

		99999		Bowling Cricket Did you know that a grasshopper and a cricket are two completely different insects? Neither did the guy who created this monster! When a bowling cricket rubs its wings together, the resulting tone is a low enough frequency to make your stomach feel queasy. The bowling cricket had a brief career as a puppet's conscience, which ended when he accidentally sat on the puppet and turned it into kindling.
		89999
		99999

		300		Bowser So is this guy the Andre the Giant of turtles, or did he just do a lot of steroids, or what? Bowser has eight children, and nobody seems to know who any of their mothers are. That's a little suspicious to me. Here's where I make a joke about how the new president of Nintendo of America is named Doug.
		300
		400

		300		Bowser My theory about Bowser is that he isn't really a turtle, he's just faking it. His shell is disproportionately small and just sits on his back like a backpack instead of containing him. He's actually just a big lizard who is lying to his minions. Bowser's favorite food is tacos, but he eats them horizontally, like a sandwich. No one has been able to stop him. Look, I'm surprised that I was able to think of five things about Bowser. Don't expect me to think of a sixth one.
		300
		400

		150		Box WHAT'S IN THE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOOX? Well, the vast vacuum of space, a few stars, and little else. The Crackpot Mystic believes this constellation is a giant 3-dimensional pixel. A schism formed in the astronomy community whether to call this the Box or the Cube. It lead to a bloody three-hour war which was resolved when everyone agreed 'box' was funnier.
		135
		150

		30		box of Batter Mix of Hope Make your own pancake mix: a cup of flour, a tablespoon of baking powder, two tablespoons of sugar, two tablespoons of butter, one egg, a cup of milk. No one ever wants to try my beer-batter pancakes. Maybe it's that I use malt vinegar instead of syrup. What wizardry is batter! You can pour it in a cup and it's a cupcake, or cook it on a griddle and make a pancake, or dip things in it and deep fry them. It's, like, the duct tape of comestibles.
		100
		100

		?		Box of Crafty Dinner If you had a million meat, you wouldn't have to eat this Crafty Dinner. But you would; you'd just eat more! And you'd get really expensive ketchups to go with it. Like, dijon ketchup. The Crafty Dinner Corporation insists that the pasta is supposed to be shaped like little lighthouses with boulders at the base of them, but they were smirking when they said it.
		?
		?

		18		Brainsweeper Fernswarthy also created a dustpan that skittered around on hundreds of tiny feet, but it was too creepy even for a mad wizard/scientist. The brain inside of the brainsweeper once belonged to a fellow named Abby Normal. The first prototype was a brainmopper, but it kept falling over itself on its own wet floors.
		16
		9

		0		Brake-Operating Trainbot The first brake-operating robot was just a brick strapped to the brake pedal of a train. The guy who built it insisted that it absolutely met the technical definition of a robot, but his co-workers disagreed. He finally won them over by drawing a face on it.
		0
		0

		164		Bram the Stoker Bram the Stoker is the only remaining living servant of Lord and Lady Spookyraven. Bram the Stoker plans to one day collect all the letters he's sent and make a novel out of them, but first he has to get the recipients to send them all back. Bram the Stoker briefly considered a career as a life coach, but people are far harder to stoke than boilers.
		148
		170

		?		Brandonian loyalist Colonel Brando chooses his soldiers based on one trait and one trait only: Loyalty to Brando. This means that a lot of his soldiers are pretty bad at at actually being soldiers. You won't get to fight the bad ones, though. Brando gives them all noncombat jobs, like giving Brando massages and baking Brando pies.
		?
		?

		16		Bread Golem Many bread golems are made out of pumpernickel bread. This is because 'pumpernickel' is German for "farting goblin", which is hilarious. The French make bread golems in two styles: very tall and thin, and very small and curved. The latter are not very useful for guarding your secret lair. Bread makes you fat.
		14
		8

		140		breakdancing raver The breakdancing raver can do the Whale, the Worm, and the Wyvern. The world record for spinning on one's head is currently a full 1080 degrees of revolution. Sadly, the record holder perished after the attempt, as he didn't know his body should be spinning as well. The breakdancing raver smells like sweat, candy, and Mick's Icyvapohotness Rub.
		126
		150

		0		brick (suggestive pause) house The brick (suggestive pause) house is a great place for people who want the funk, because there's a pretty thick funk in there from all the parties. Inside the brick (suggestive pause) house, all kinds of words have different meanings, like 'party,' and 'swing,' and 'top,' and 'bicycle.' The brick (suggestive pause) house usually has hot-and-cold running massage oil coming out of the taps. Which is great and all, until you actually need to wash your hands.
		0
		0

		0		brick icehouse A brick icehouse is kind of like a brick outhouse, but under no circumstances should you substitute one for the other. Some people build brick icehouses out of bricks made of ice, but then that's just an igloo. In American vernacular, an igloo is called an igbathroom.
		0
		0

		0		brick kiln A brick kiln is a nice place to make pottery, but you wouldn't want to live there. In fact, hairy potters usually get their arm and hand hair singed off just putting crockery in there. Be careful putting pottery into the kiln; even the most seasoned potter has had a piece explode from the heat, leaving a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.
		0
		0

		0		brick mausoleum Most zombie pigs don't do much more than wallow in mud and grunt, so they're pretty indistinguishable from regular pigs. Bacon made from zombie pigs can transmit zombie-ness to humans unless it's cooked until it's nice and crispy. Skeleton pigs may look disturbing, but you can make all kinds of jokes about "bone-in pork" because of them. Okay, maybe just the one joke.
		0
		0

		?		Brick Mulligan, the Bartender Your average bartender is just doing this to pay for college. Your average bartender has been doing this for three decades. College doesn't normally take three decades.
		?
		0

		0		brick outhouse It is required by both ancient tradition and modern building codes that outhouses have a crescent moon on the door. Outhouses were mostly replaced in the Kingdom with inhouses, once modern plumbing became a thing. Oddly enough, the Gnolls in DeGrassi Knoll still have outhouses, even though they invented the plunger.
		0
		0

		550		BRICKO airship Given the basic un-aerodynamic qualities of BRICKO, it's amazing that an airship made of one can actually fly. Scientists suspect that bumblebees may somehow be involved. The most popular color of BRICKO block is blue, closely followed by red. The most popular flavor of BRICKO block is plastic. The world's record for most BRICKO blocks used in a single construction is 1,524,876. The world's record for the fewest BRICKO blocks used in a single construction is two.
		495
		10000

		70		BRICKO bat One easy way to defeat a BRICKO bat is to take its wings and put them on the bottom close together, turning it into a capital "i." BRICKO bats' guano are those little one-bump-sized stud BRICKO thingies. BRICKO bats can only sleep upside-down if you build the cave playset inside out so the nubbly bits on the ceiling are facing inward.
		63
		100

		725		BRICKO cathedral The Cathedral's flying buttresses are controversial to BRICKO enthusiasts, since they use some custom pieces instead of the standard BRICKO bricks. BRICKO enthusiasts, as evidenced by the previous statement, could use a hobby. Another hobby, I mean. Some BRICKO enthusiasts have quit BRICKO for fly fishing, so they can still have parts of their hobby that are dangerous to step on.
		652
		100000

		130		BRICKO elephant The standard BRICKO elephant is an "African" elephant, having larger ears and more wrinkled skin (somehow) than its Asian counterpart. King Yore II would give a BRICKO elephant to courtiers who had overstayed their welcome, and then watch as it trampled their spleens into the dirt. Yore II was kind of a dick. It's a myth that BRICKO elephants are afraid of BRICKO mice, but no one's told them it's a myth, so they still believe it.
		117
		200

		1000		BRICKO gargantuchicken The gargantuchicken is the second biggest toy fowl in the universe. The BRICKO gargantuchicken is a life-size recreation of an extinct species. They could have gone with dinosaurs, but instead, we get the chicken. The chicken came first, okay? Just go with it.
		900
		1000000

		140		BRICKO octopus BRICKO was invented by a parent who felt he wasn't stepping on nearly enough tiny pointy things when he walked around the house barefoot. The manufacturers of BRICKO completely deny the rumor that every BRICKO block contains the soul of a murdered orphan. The BRICKO block with the eyes on it is where the octopus keeps its brains, and handkerchief.
		126
		250

		40		BRICKO ooze The plural of BRICKO is BRICKO. There's no such thing as "a bunch of BRICKOs." Those who insist on correcting you when you say "a bunch of BRICKOs" are still pedantic jerks, though. It's impossible to use the word "pedantic" in a conversation without instantly becoming that which you're decrying.
		36
		50

		100		BRICKO oyster In coastal third-world countries, children are often employed as divers to collect BRICKO oysters from the bottom of the sea, which are then disassembled to build houses. BRICKO pearls are highly prized by some people who think they're an aphrodisiac. But really, just about any part of any animal is considered to be an aphrodisiac by someone. The largest BRICKO oyster on record was more than five feet across, which is weird because it was still only nine blocks, and they were much too large to be compatible with any other BRICKO blocks.
		90
		120

		160		BRICKO python Though they can squeeze stuff until the cows come home (or squeeze cows until the farmer comes home), pythons are terrible at lifting weights. One out of every forty pythons is born vegetarian, but they almost always pretend to like live prey so that they don't get made fun of at python school. Python health is no laughing matter -- if your pythons are sick, don't just stand around strutting and flexing your muscles -- seek veterinary attention immediately!
		144
		300

		120		BRICKO turtle BRICKOs are manufactured with the strictest quality control, and contain only trace amounts of lead, rodent parts, and industrial pesticides. BRICKO bricks come in three vibrant colors: black, white, and gray. BRICKO turtles can also be BRICKO cats with their backs arched, if you add three bricks for the tail.
		108
		150

		400		BRICKO vacuum cleaner The BRICKO Vacuum Cleaner was the most popular fully-functional BRICKO model. The BRICKO Eye Speculum was the least popular. Stepping on a BRICKO brick is the third most painful thing a human body can experience, next to eye-speculuming and childbirth. Sorry, I'm just really into freaking out people who don't like eye speculums with this one.
		360
		2500

		17		briefcase bat It's not important what's inside the briefcase bat's briefcase, okay? It's just a metaphor. The exterior of the briefcase bat is made of textured vinyl rather than bat hide. That's what you get when you evolve in a strong magical field. The combination to every briefcase bat is 1234. It's like what some idiot would have as the combination on his luggage.
		15
		11

		135		Bristled Man-O-War Bristled Man-O-War bodies are sought after for use as car-wash brushes. Despite demand, there isn't much of a secondary marked[sic] in Bristled Man-O-War bristles. Most would-be Bristled Man-O-War harvesters have a brush with death early on, and quit while they're ahead.
		135
		160

		0		Brock "Rocky" Flox Perhaps "Rocky" Flox is just misunderstood, Or maybe he's just a big jerk who's no good. In his spare time, "Rocky" Flox likes to box, You'd give half your socks to see "Rocky" Flox box. If you get him quite drunk, "Rocky" Flox then confesses He likes to dress kittens in tiny pink dresses.
		0
		0

		375		broctopus Broctopuses make fun of all the fish who don't even lift. Broctopuses use their eight tentacles to hold eight bottles of Russian Ice at once, so they can ice unsuspecting fish. Broctopuses are all a little sad that fish don't wear underwear, so they can't wedgie nerd fish.
		300
		500

		99999		Bronze Chef The Bronze Chef has no heart, but it does have a molybdenum tongue for tasting. The Bronze Chef cooks according to three laws: First, do no harm, Second, preserve oneself, Third, make ice cream out of fish whenever possible. The Bronze Chef is never washed with detergents, just seasoned with olive oil and scrubbed with a handful of salt on occasion.
		89999
		99999

		80		broodling seal Don't let the big cute eyes fool you -- these creatures are constantly thinking about murder. They're like kittens in that regard. The final rite of manhood in most Seal Clubber tribes is to kill a broodling seal. If the young Seal Clubber can bring himself to slaughter something that's so cute, then he is finally ready to be a man. (Or woman, as the case may be.) Some Seal Clubber soothsayers use broodling intestines to read the future. Their predictions usually involve the camp being attacked by mother seals.
		90
		100

		200		Brutus, the toga-clad lout The toga party was invented by a frat boy who thought it might be somewhat easier to get sorority girls between the sheets, if they were already wearing the sheets in question. Brutus won his laurel wreath at the National Frat Olympics two years ago, by shotgunning an entire keg of beer. He then crushed the empty keg against his forehead, which was not actually necessary, but the judges all agreed it was "wicked sick". It was rumored that Brutus stabbed the president of his fraternity to death, but this was mainly brought on by confusion over the fact that nobody had been able to find him. It turned out that he had unexpectedly graduated.
		180
		280

		93		Bubblemint Twins The twins' favorite gum flavor is Fresh-o-Winto-Mint, a proprietary flavor of the Bubblemint Corporation. Though in a pinch, they'll make do with some Groovy-Fruity-Tango. The Bubblemint Twins' chewing gum does, in fact, lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight.
		83
		90

		60		bugaboo The plural of Bugaboo is Bugaboo. Bugaboo can't be exorcised, but they can be caught in proton traps. Bugbears don't believe in ghosts, which is weird since they brought ghosts on the ship with them.
		54
		70

		280		Bugbear Captain The Bugbear Captain answers only to the Bugbear Admiral, who is even bigger and uglier. Spacefaring bugbears spend the empty time between the stars in cryo-sleep, listening to books on tape to improve their golf swing. The Bugbear Ship is called, in rough translation, "The Beneficent Vessel Hard Round Crystallized Sugar on a Stick." It sounds better in their language.
		288
		1337

		135		bugbear drone Bugbear drones run on the beta release of Bugbear OS 9, which adds a lot of touchscreen functionality. For example, to have it remove your fingers, you can "pinch" anywhere on its body. The Bugbear drone gets about 8 hours of battery life and up to 10 hours of standby time, provided you turn off its wi-fi antenna. Of course you can watch Netflix on the bugbear drone.
		121
		150

		65		bugbear mortician The sawdust used to stuff dead bugbears helps retain a lifelike pudgy bugbear belly. The corn meal mixed with the sawdust is merely ceremonial; it reminds the living that cornbread is delicious. Bugbears don't bury their dead. They mount them on plaques and display them in the next-of-kin's living room.
		76
		60

		15		bugbear robo-surgeon Bugbear robosurgeons run on Bugbear OS 8, which enables them to multi-task so they can sever multiple limbs at the same time. The laser was intended to cauterize wounds, but was deliberately miscalibrated so it just causes them. The bugbear's drill is less "dental" and more "can cut a hole in solid concrete."
		22
		20

		45		bugbear scientist Bugbears are specieist, not sexist, so it's no big deal that some of the scientists are female, provided they're female bugbears. Bugbear science is rarely peer-reviewed, because all of the peers are jealously guarding their own deadly experiments while trying to steal each others' secrets. The bugbear scientific method inserts "randomly splice DNA from a plant and/or animal" in between "Construct a Hypothesis" and "Test with an experiment."
		40
		50

		16		bugbear-in-the-box The inside of the bugbear-in-a-box's box is moist, clammy, and pulsating. Don't stick your hand in there, is all I'm saying. Even though the bugbear-in-a-box is just a head, it still keeps an extra pair of pants for adventurers to steal. That's rather accommodating, don't you think? The bugbear-in-a-box is so angry because it has an itch in all of its phantom limbs.
		16
		11

		17		bugged bugbear Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 717 Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 718 Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 719
		16
		14

		25		Bullet Bill Bullet Bills fly so slowly that they would take a full minute to go through an average person. A very unpleasant minute. Bullet Bills are all left-handed. Bullet Bills' arms appear to be made of skin, muscle, and bone, leading some to speculate that the whole organism is a guy in a suit with his arms poking out.
		22
		15

		50		bulwark bull seal Bulwark bull seals are often afflicted with sebaceous cysts, which makes them angry all the time. It also makes them gross. As children, bulwark bull seals use their constant supply of disgusting sweat to turn every available surface into a Slip-n-Slide. Bulwarlk[sic] bull seals often use a combat maneuver called "the flop sweat," in which they flop on top of an opponent and then sweat on them until they drown.
		55
		100

		20		bunch of drunken rats The metal beer keg was invented as a defense against drunken tavern rats, who kept chewing through the old wooden barrels. Some tavern owners have tried to get rid of drunken rat infestations by setting out shots of alcohol laced with poison, also called "Mickeys". Rumors that many famous beers include dead rats as a secret ingredient are false, but many brewers do use the number of drowned rats they find in the vats as an indicator of when the recipe is finally perfected.
		18
		16

		30		bundle of Meat of Happiness Medium Rare maximum. Otherwise, you're eating shoe leather or charcoal. There is no negotiation on this. Just kidding about the 'hippy' thing in the monster description. Plenty of reasonable people choose to not eat meat. The best of such people never make a big fuss about it, though. Pan-searing meat doesn't really lock in the juices, as people mistakenly believe. But it does lock in the deliciousness.
		100
		100

		?		Bunsen burner and beaker The first Bunsen burners were invented by Robert Bunsen, an avid camper who wanted to figure out how to make s'mores inside. "Beakers" are so named because the spout on the front looks like a bird's beak. In a pinch, a beaker and Bunsen burner can be used to heat up a bowl of ramen. Just make sure you wash out the beaker, or at least add some sriracha to mask the chemical aftertaste of whatever was in there.
		?
		?

		100		Burly Sidekick The burly sidekick is terrified of flying! His buddies had to drug his milk to get him on the airship. The burly sidekick does have an arm inside that gun, which is less hardcore than having your arm replaced with a gun. The burly sidekick is secretly having an affair with the spunky princess! The quiet healer knows, but . . .
		90
		100

		0		Burnglar The advantage of burning a place down after you've robbed it is that nobody knows anything was stolen. Gas stations, smoke shops, and kerosene stores are also popular targets for burnglars, of course. Some extra-enterprising (and brave) burnglars also steal the fire trucks.
		0
		0

		0		burner Also, why limit yourself to just burning men? You have to admit though, the videos of the exploding robot dinosaurs are pretty awesome. If not captured, these guys will eventually burn themselves out.
		0
		0

		90		Burnerdagon Loose lips sink ships, but burnt bones scorch stones. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but fire and flame can burn them. In addition to changing its color, the process of bone-burning also made the Bonerdagon slightly smaller.
		81
		120

		?		Burning Daughter The word startles is derived from the words start and turtles, because of the strangeness of turtles. She is burning because of climate change. The climate of the air directly around her. The Burning Mother is even scarier.
		?
		?

		160		Burning Snake of Fire The Burning Snake of Fire is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring. The Burning Snake of Fire is bound by one desire: to cook and eat you. The Burning Snake of Fire takes its name from a song by a musician who was not at all punk, yet whom all punk rockers inexplicably revere.
		160
		175

		?		burnout Winners don't use drugs. Socrates was a winner. Therefore, hemlock is not a drug.
		?
		?

		163		Burrowing Bishop I swear to you, for years now I thought that picture was a weird-looking hat. But it's actually two legs and a robe sticking out of the ground. The burrowing bishop is a formidable foe, both in the sky and on the chess board. The burrowing bishop's biggest find was the actual skull of Saint Osteus, a saint who performed miracles despite having no flesh on his head.
		146
		150

		156		Bush Astronomers have named the three berry stars in the constellation: the top left one's Chuck, the top right is Halle, and the bottom one is Hannabar. The bush's resemblance to a head cocked quizzically to the side was ignored by astronomers, since that didn't lend itself to genital slang. Oops, I guess I just let the cat out of the bag with the constellation names. Sorry, everyone.
		140
		150

		35		business hippy Business Hippies are necessary because regular hippies only understand commerce in the form of bartering for clay beads, and they need someone who understands money to go out and buy the fancy polymer clay they like. Business hippy briefcases are generally made of hemp, although sometimes a particularly cunning hippy will have a briefcase made from naturally-shed snake skins. The most famous business hippy in history is said to have traded a few miles of worthless coastline in exchange for a huge pile of really awesome beads.
		34
		25

		145		Bustle in the Hedgerow A group of hedgerows is called a "maze." A group of mazes is called a "maze book." There have never been enough "maze books" alive at the same time for anybody to name a group of them.
		130
		150

		11		Butterknife of Regret Never bring a butterknife to a steak knife fight. Ironically, a butterknife is nowhere near sharp enough to cut a stick of butter that's been in the fridge. Then again, nothing is. You're honestly better off with some spreadable margarine for toast. That way you won't risk destroying the bread while you're trying to butter it. Science!
		9
		12

		0		buzzard The term for a group of buzzards is a "blizzard". Buzzards and vultures are basically the same thing, but buzzards are more "old-westy" for some reason. A buzzard's gizzard is called a guzzard.
		0
		0

		0		buzzerker The buzzerker's love for you is like a truck, in that he'd like to run you over. The buzzerker drinks only fermented honey, for maximum sugar rush/booze rage. The buzzerker's helmet horns are actually ant mandibles.
		0
		0

		20		Buzzy Beetle The Buzzy Beetle's shell is the third hardest thing in the Kingdom. Only diamonds and Gnollish Algebra are harder. The Buzzy Beetle's shell is coated with secreted oil on the bottom, so it goes far and fast when kicked. Also, it's gross if you try to pick it up. Buzzy Beetle's are impervious to fire, but sensitive to the "burn" of a well-placed insult.
		18
		15

Unobtainable

		0		Best Game Ever Does it seem like an exaggeration to call this the Best Game Ever? Well, it isn't. It's just an objective fact. The Best Game Ever is notable for having an excellent player community, despite the fact that the playerbase is suuuuuuuper stuuuuuuupid. Although this game is of course the Best Game Ever, and always will be, the next one is going to be even better!
		0
		0

References

• The batrat's third entry is alluding to bat-themed vigilante Batman.
• The Brainsweeper's second entry is a reference to the 1974 comedy film Young Frankenstein.
• The bee swarm's third entry references a question on the radio where anakedjew? asked "who would win a fight, The Incredible Hulk or the The Incredible Hulk's weight in bees?"
• The beelephant's third entry refers to the myth that it is aerodynamically impossible for bees to fly.
• The Best Game Ever's 2nd factoid is a reference to an excerpt from the December 6, 2007 radio show in which Jick revealed Riff's opinion (by speaking in a high-pitched voice) that the players were "super stupid" and would never find anything in the first stage of the The LAAAAME Observatory (which was solved in about a day).
• Bowser's third entry refers to Doug Bowser.
• The Bugbear ship's name could also be translated as "The Good Ship Lollipop."
• The Burnout's first entry is a reference to the anti-drug slogan used in arcade games from 1989 to 2000.
• The Burnout's second entry is a reference to the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates and his execution via drinking Hemlock.
• The Bush's berries are a reference to, respectively, Chuck Berry, Halle Berry, and Hanna-Barbera
• The Buzzerker's first entry is a reference to the song "Berserker" by the band Love Among Freaks, which appeared in the movie "Clerks".